Thought I would give this a try
Well I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while now. I just haven't been taking much time out for myself lately. I have not been very active on the board recently and I really miss it.
I am 28 soon to be 29. I have a 4 year old son named Tristen and have been married for 9 years. My mother had her brainstem stroke almost 2 years ago at the age of 55. Like most it was a complete shock to my family. Our worlds were turned upside down. I became her caretaker as she requires 24 hour care. 1 year ago my brother began having some problems and I took in his twins. They are now 6 years old. I think it is safe to say that me and my husband's plates are pretty full. Sometimes I wonder why we take on so much. I just have a hard time saying no!
Our lives have changed in so many ways since this stroke took over. It has taken away so much from us. My mom lost it all and I still sometimes struggle with why? I think why couldn't she have been lucky and only lost one side? I know to those who have lost use of one side they do not feel lucky but when I compare them to my mom it is almost incomparable. She lost the ability to do anything for herself. She can't eat, talk, use her arms or legs. She is tube fed and has a catheter. I don't want to sound ungrateful because I can find good things such as she was removed from life support and had her trech removed. She can now drive her wheelchair with her hand. She can play a computer with a ball mouse. She can swallow pudding and she can speak a little. I of course understand her the best. Just like my kid. I always try and point out what she can do. I try to focus on that rather than what she lost.
My mom struggles with depression daily. Sometimes it is very hard for me to deal with. I hate seeing her hurt. She asks me why I want her around? What good is she to anyone? I tell her I am so thankful that my mom is alive. I really struggled with my decision was I right to fight to keep her alive or was I just being selfish? She is worth all of the work to me. I want her. I can still hug her and talk to her. Yes she is different but she is and always will be my mom. Most days she says she is glad she is alive, but on the really bad ones she cries that she wishes she wasn't. I don't know that I would feel much different.
Being a caretaker a mom and a wife is a ton of work. It is a huge balancing act trying to do it all. You really cannot make everyone happy. It makes me sometimes feel like a failure. I need to do more of everything but sometimes I just run out of gas. The kids need more work with school, mom needs more therapy, the house needs to be cleaner and then there is my husband. Every night I pray for energy to keep me going. I feel like I cannot give anything a 100%. I try but it is not possible. I think we can just do our best and try to accept that is all we can do.
At the end of the day I don't think anyone of us expect our lives to be like this, but we got what we got and we can't change it so the best you can do is keep going and make the best of what you have.
I am hoping that my blog will help me get out some of my feelings and bring me a inner peace with life after stroke.
Ruth
3 Comments
Recommended Comments