Day 29...Packing...
I took off the ring and bracelet she gave me...packed it with other jewelry she gave me and some things of hers that are in my house right now. I'm not leaving, but I'm trying to move forward...not sure if that makes sense. A symbolic gesture but it is enough to move me past the limbo I've been in. In a sense, taking control of my emotional state. If I can stop clinging to those things it enables me to contemplate moving forward and letting go of her if that is what has to happen.
I'm still contemplating if/when I'll reach out to her. Possibly I'll call her...possibly I'll write her a letter. Unsure how much more time to give her...maybe another week. I'll talk to my therapist and see what she has to say...
I'm trying to figure out how to balance her needs and my needs...when do you cross the line to dysfunctional? When does completely respecting her needs become unhealthily ignoring my own feelings and needs? I've given her the month she asked for...but I think it is just wrong to tell me not to contact her family to know what's going on for her. If I continue to do this, when does it stop being a good thing for her and start being a bad thing for me? I could live with talking to her sporadically if I could contact her family...or if they would contact me. I think that is the thing that pushes me over the edge...the "don't talk to my family" state of mind. I continually struggle with that...is it just stroke-based irrationality, or true feelings? I just don't know...and I know that no one but she can answer that and she's not talking to me right now...
So Tuesday I go to the therapist...until then, I wait and continually move on with my life. I'm basically making the peace I need inside of myself to allow myself to let her go...I'm not letting go QUITE YET, but I'm creating the conditions that will allow me to do that if I have to.
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