Day 31...How we learn to cope and find our peace
Yes...a good visit with the therapist today. It wasn't great earlier...Sam had to be picked up from day care because he was hitting again...teachers mostly. He's on probation at day care so I'm trying to find a therapist for him as well as find something that can help him cope when he feels stressed. The most difficult times seem to be around lunch so I'm going to spend lunch time with him every day and see if that helps. Keep your fingers and toes crossed. So Sam had to join me at the therapy appointment. It was surprisingly productive considering we had to talk "around" him.
What did I learn today? Hmmm...Well, I started by telling the therapist basically what I said in my last entry and list of comments. How I packed things up, how it is helping me prepare to let go ultimately if that is what she wants. It gives me distance so I can basically function in the situation I am in...completely and totally in limbo. In this moment, I have to let go.
So she made an observation...that I am the type of person that jumps in with two feet, always. That I tackle things and try to resolve the issues in front of me. Basically, I have a high internal locus of control...I believe I can manage ANYTHING. Perhaps it comes from years of self-confidence, education, I don't know. Having a PHD I'm sure contributes to that, or perhaps that's what makes me a good academic. But in situations where I am not in control...where I am in limbo...that is INCREDIBLY difficult for me. I fight for information...I struggle...I'm in pain. :Tantrum: It is not a place where I want to stay for very long. I've worked greatly at this...Jane has helped me at some level...my own therapy and spiritual work have also helped me. But this is who I am fundamentally. No judgment...it is just how I deal with situations like this...I'm an information seeker and I fight the limbo. She said others are better able to let go and set things aside like this. We all cope differently. That is just not me. I'm a bull in a china shop...I want the answers and I want solutions.
So she acknowledged that I have spent 5 weeks trying to be calm in this difficult situation. That I have worked hard at trying to be calm in this craziness. Between working with a therapist, and a coach and blogging...plus my own reading and personal work at home, I've made an incredible effort for me to be comfortable in this situation. This is beyond anything I've ever had to deal with and I've done quite well considering my personality. She also understands and acknowledges I may be at my limit to sit quietly and calmly. I'm also someone, in her opinion, that puts a lot of value on building relationship and I put enormous stock in THIS relationship. So I can't stay in a limbo situation for long because it conflicts with my notion of building relationship.
Have I given up? NO NO NO NO NO!!! I haven't. But I can't obsess over it. Can't stay in the place I was in. I told her I still felt "tethered" to Jane, despite my need to try to move on for myself and the kids right now. My door was open...I didn't want to give up, but I knew I couldn't stay so emotionally tied to her because it was destroying me from the inside out and causing problems with my son as well.
So then something occurred to me regarding the reading I recounted the other day about "staying in the middle". Some people find it easier to put their relationship on a back burner and find they can stay in the middle, while I find it much more difficult. My way of coping...my way of staying in that middle place...allowing the worst case scenario to sit on my left hand and the best case scenario sit by my right hand...is to do what I'm doing now. I allow the tether to still be there...I love her immensely, I don't want to give up. But I have to create some emotional distance to get through it all. I'm not so far away because I have the tether so I can reel it all back in and learn to begin anew if that's what she wants. But I can also cut the tether and move on if that is what ends up happening as well. By boxing the stuff and trying to move on IN THIS MOMENT I can function in the manner I need to function right now, creating some emotional distance. Without regular contact, yes, this relationship may very well fade...but that's why I'm keeping the tether and the emotional distance and I'm making peace with the fact it may very well fade.
So as to the question of calling. We discussed that. I didn't want to call today or even this week. My feeling was that if I called after what I construed as a month -- 4 weeks precisely -- if she is more "aware" that might look desperate and clinging. Also, it made sense to perhaps wait another week because it still allowed for her to initiate, if that is something she is capable of doing, and allowed for a more "fluid" notion of "I'll talk to you in a month..." I also know time is sort of relative in her current condition...she may not be THAT aware of time passage. I also wanted to call when I was with my therapist so she could catch me if/when I crumbled or would help me process the call after it occurs. She thought it would be good if we could just leave a message so it didn't feel so overwhelming to Jane to actually pick up the phone and talk to me...so it didn't feel like an intrusion. The last time I called her her cell phone was off and its possible she may turn her cell phone off except when she is making a call so the likelihood I'll get her voicemail is pretty good. Since I don't have a sense of her schedule, it would be hard to say when is a good time to call but we figured during the day was a good bet. So NEXT Tuesday, 2pm her time, I'll call her and we'll see what happens. Bottom line, my therapist thought it would be good to call because either way I'll know by how she responds to the call.
Sherri said in a blog comment that as a stroke survivor she encouraged me not to give up on Jane. I don't want to and I'm not totally right now...but I'm honestly unsure how to fight for her and convince her I do want to be in her life, while respecting the place she's in right now. I guess I have to just wait until I see how she responds to my call. I'll try to tell her in my message that I love her and I'm not going anywhere, that I want to continue to love and support her as she needs, that I hope she is healing, and that I would love to hear about her progress. Any other recommendations??? What do you think she'd need to hear from me???!!!
Anyway...I'm still in a good place. Still IN THIS MOMENT letting go so I can manage right now. But you can't let go of 3 years that easily so NO I'm not completely letting go until she either says its over, which she didn't say in our last phone call, or simply never calls me.
Not much more I can do right now...I found my way to cope until I have the information I need...
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