Getting ready for the weekend...
So I'm taking the kids back east to see their dad tomorrow...its a costly trip because I have to fly the three of us from St. Louis to Albany NY...even on Southwest it is $1100 for us to fly. I have to do laundry tonight, grade exams, pack bags... We have an 11:50am flight and should get to NY by 5:30...long day.
Once I drop the kids off with Dad, I'm staying with my friends Josie and Kathy...they are going to take good care of me which I need desperately. Dinner tomorrow evening and a comfy couch to sleep on...surrounded by good friends, what else can I ask for...! Saturday I'm going to spend the day at my retreat center...first time I'll return there since Jane's stroke...it is where I was when I found out about her stroke in July. I know it'll be hard, particularly since I had hoped to be with HER this weekend visiting her, but now, of course that is no longer an option. So I'm indulging myself in good food, spiritual centering, a 90 minute massage, and a soak in a hot tub.
Sunday I'll head out to my unsold house and close the pool for the season officially. I only did a cursory job in June when I left upstate because I had hoped it would sell. But now I'm still stuck with having to pay my rent out here and the mortgage back there. Draining money from my retirement account but heck...who cares about that stuff right...I may NEVER retire...I may not be able to afford it...sigh... I have to decrease the price of the house again and just keep hoping. And people wonder why I have so much stress in my life...sigh...
I should be back here by 9:30pm-ish on Sunday evening...hopefully the kids won't explode too much traveling!!!
We'll take another trip back east in November...dad will be here in another week as well...he's doing his part to really stay present with the kids. It just bothers me that he doesn't call them regularly. I just don't get that...how can a parent NOT want to talk to their kids????? When he has the kids I call them EVERY DAY!!! I hope he can get the final adjustments to the custody arrangement put together so I can take care of all the final details and get things filed. I'm sure we'll be talking about that tomorrow.
I'm still sad about things...more at peace...able to move forward, but definitely still sad. I feel so violated...lied to...I don't know. When you entrust your love to someone you sort of expect they will hold it sacred but its like she just took it for granted by walking away without even trying. It feels like such a violation... I have to write her a letter once I gather together the final things I have in the house to return to her. Still not sure what I will say but I am hurt and believe she needs to know that. I won't be mean or spiteful but I'll be honest and direct...the way I've always been with her...maybe one day it will all register with her...maybe one day she'll realize what she threw away without a second thought...it is painful to think the person I thought loved me just doesn't care any more...
Another hard weekend but I know I'll be OK...one day at a time! See y'all Sunday evening!
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