Linking Blog Thoughts
I was just reading Sue's blog about marking time and noticed her's began with a reference to Heather's comments. I love how interdependent we are with each other on the site to help us "talk" out what we are feeling.
I understand how you feel Sue, and most times I can be happy marking time. But some days or moments I find myself longing for things to be different. It is usually after we have attempted to do something in the "new normal" way that we used to do with ease. Or after visiting with friends and then experiencing the let down of knowing it will be days before I have intelligent two way conversation again.
I was listening to NPR on Saturday evening, the Prairie Home Companion show, and had to turn it off. They were singing a song about a woman who was 91 and she had apparently been the care giver those entire years. I almost crashed my car thinking - OH MY GOD, is this what the rest of my life will be like? Single motherhood, care giver for Dad and now Denny? :Sob:
I started this blog with every intention of looking forward, so I won't let this blog be about what I miss. After all there are length limits! :Ask: But how did I get from looking forward with a positive outlook to looking forward with longing for change? Do you think that some people are just destined in life to be the ones looking out for others? Do they ever get their chance at being cared for? How do I turn around the lonliness and find that satisfaction again in my life's circumstances. I remember my Mother always telling us to be content with what we have. When we would wish for something, she would tell us "People in Hell want ice water too!"
I am going away on business this week. For the first time since Denny's stroke, I will be leaving him for an extended period of time in the care of another. I am ashamed to say I don't think I am going to miss being here. I will miss him and knowing that I can walk into his office and see that he is ok and doesn't need anything. But, I am so looking forward to sleeping alone, getting dressed alone with no one watching or asking me what I am doing. Walking at my own pace through the airport, eating when I feel like it, or not. I just hope I can go without the guilt monster rearing up to bite me in the butt!
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