My biggest 'deficit'
I'm beginning to realize that my biggest weakness really is in my head. It's not the pain in my knee. It's not even my inability to think as clearly as I used to.
My biggest deficit is my own fear. I fear having an accident and losing my drivers license because I'm 'not quite right'. I fear my friends gradually drifting away over the years because I'm not as 'quick' as I used to be.
More than anything, I fear being left alone.
Now, keep in mind, I have been happily married most of my life. My husband has never made the slightest suggestion by word or deed that he might ditch me! My oldest daughter calls me regularly just to chat. My sons are both in their twenties and show no sign of moving out. My baby daughter of fifteen still comes to me with her problems and even sits on my lap now and then.
So why do I have this hopeless insecurity? Did I lose that little chunk of my brain where my self-confidence was supposed to be? There are times when this paranoia overwhelms me to the point of tears. I started writing this down in a moment of clear logic, but just writing the fear down made me cry.
Whew! Ok I'm better. I'll probably weep again, hopefully when nobody is watching. I was right in the middle of a good pity party last week when my hubby came home early. Of course he held me and cheered me up. I was more embarassed than sad. I worry my paranoia is driving him away! Talk about a vicious circle. I try to hide these feelings. He has already told me he's not going anywhere. I just need to get a grip on it. Back to the real world!
Carol
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