Still dealing with the emotional aftereffects
Okay - the big blow-up happened, where my communication skills -or lack thereof- since the stroke have really screwed with my head and now have distorted my view of my marriage - which was perfectly fine until I threw it into a crisis mode late last week. I'm an idiot. I hate stroke and I hate the effects of strokes and the absolutely bloody long-ass time it takes to recover to some semblance of normal. I really hate life right now - enough to continue to tink of ways to mostly easily slip these surly bounds of earth anf fly to whatever happens next.I'm not going to do anything - I have a 12 year old daughter that I will not do that to butsometimes just the thinking about it and the planning of it helps to reliee the tension and frustration for just a bit. I know this is dangerous thinking and yes, I am under the care of botha counselor and a psychiatrist, so please don't recommend that route. What I'm engagin in right now is some writing therapy - writing to release the angst, I guess.
Looking up from a very deep hole that I know I cannot climb, nor cannot I get anyone to help me up with, at times I turn away in complete and total frustartation , anger, and pain. Other days, I simply gaze upward wishing so hard to get back up, knowing that I cannot, nor will I ever be able to be the same person I was before this struck. It's not fair. I finally meet a man who is as strong as I am, got my life going in a pretty positive manner and this stroke kicks my legs out from underneath me. I don't understand and probably never will - they've never found the cause for the stroke - more frustration.
Then I have a daugher who doesn't want to talk to me - she is officially in the teenager set - parents are the enemy!
All for now, getting tired - later
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