I can't handle it so well...
Last night, my son and his wife (DIL) told me they want to get pregnant and when that happens, they want to move my DIL's son(Teenager Son) downstairs to "my" room and place the baby in room Teenager Son is inhabiting presently. DIL went to OB/GYN yesterday to get checked out for ease of pregnancy and everything looks good.
When we embarked on this journey, the understanding was that they would get pregnant (that was one of the persuading arguments my son used to make me want to live) but I would still be here in the house. I put up the down payment for the house we bought and it diminished the mortgage payment immensely. The original agreement was I provide the down payment and they would pay the mortgage. It turns out I am paying half of the mortgage, too. I don't mind paying half the mortgage because my son and DIL are giving me a roof over my head and take good care of me. They deserve something for that.
But now, I feel there is a time limit over my head. What if I am not well enough to be on my own in a year? I'm trying my damndest (sorry) to be the best I can be but there are no guarantees. I don't like thinking like this but what if...???
My son says that once I start to drive, I will feel better. I will be able to go places and things will open up for me. He said this morning, when I told him we needed to talk because I was upset, that they weren't going to get pregnant right away. I said I knew it could take a year. He said I could stay as long as I needed to. I feel like this isn't my place anymore. I feel like I am "renting." They told me I could do anything to the downstairs I wanted, as long as it could be repaired after I leave.
My DIL doesn't like my furniture (antiques) and she doesn't want me to store my dishes, glasses, etc. upstairs in the kitchen. I have a beautiful mirror I want to hang on the stair landing. When we moved in, they saw it and said, "Oh no, we don't like it." Its beautiful, its a gilded mirror from my grandmother. I understand people have different tastes but I have been hurt for all the times my DIL came out and said she didn't like the things I have. I would never say that to her or anyone.
They want to create a garden. When we first started, we were going to create the landscaping of our yard together. Now, its what my DIL wants. There is a wonderful downstairs porch outside in the back. It overlooks the backyard. I mentioned, wistfully, about extending the porch "Karate Kid" style w/ gardens, water fountain/stream. It all exploded. Big deal. I can't do that. First of all, it was wistful thinking. Where would I get the wherewithal to do something like that? Why such a big deal?
I can't handle these emotions. Its hard for me to talk to my son and explain how I feel and convey my feelings. My brain gets confused and I can't find the words. I put this up to After Stroke deficiency. My throat constricts and I can't swallow. I feel I am falling into an abyss. I can't handle it when someone doesn't like me. I don't know how to get them to like me; I would do anything for anyone. I have one DIL who doesn't like me. I don't know what I ever did to her. She has never taken the time to get to know me. But that's another story.
I'm sorry this blog has gone on too long. I just want to try and get a handle on my emotions. Is this a pity party? I want to find a solution. I want to find a way to handle these emotions. I try to cry but only my throat gets constricted. The buzzing on my left side has increased so I don't feel the keys on the keyboard when I type. Now the buzzing is bilateral. I feel miserable in my heart and feel miserable physically. I have to change things around.
I'm trying to deal w/ things fairly. My emotions are trying otherwise. I wish I knew the proper answers. That's why I'm writing this blog, hopefully in re-reading it I find some answers and see what avenues to pursue. All I want is a family. Take Care. LK
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