Mel,

Sorry to hear about your Mom - I can understand how you feel. I could write a book on my Mother. She's one of those women who should never have had kids. She had 4 - there's my bro and I, a sister who was put up for adoption (long story too) and a sister who died as an infant (another long saga).

Lives are so full of drama. Almost makes ya wonder how we came out so good? :big_grin:

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Mel,

It sounds like you have good reason to feel detached from the news you got. Mothers who cut themselves off from there adult kids who they can't control with an ultimatum are to be pitted for their short-sightedness and lack of faith in their kids. I guess the saying 'what goes around, comes around' does apply, in a way, to your situation.

However, I'm a firm believer that the hostility and lack of forgiveness that we hold in our heart towards people who hurt or wronged us does US more damage than it does them. I also believe that when someone is dying it is good time to make that one last ditch effort for a reconciliation. Again, I don't think we make that effort to help the person dying but rather to cleanse ourselves from any regrets or after thoughts that will come later on when it's no longer possible to say our good byes and/or offer forgiveness.

Each of us carries baggage from our childhoods but we can't let it control us or carry over in how we parent or how we relation with others who come into our lives. Forgiveness is therapeutic. Your mother was a poor mother and that's a sad fact that can't be changed. But you can change your reaction to that neglect and set a better example for your daughter to follow. A person can carry so much pain around from their scared childhoods that they have a hard time trusting, keeping or relating to friends later on if they don't deal with the baggage.

Jean

Mel, there is a holiday before the New Year where a person is supposed to atone for various things.If you have had words with another (telling it simply) you should open your heart and at least try to set it straight- thenb you have madew the attempt and you never have to speak to that person again if you do desired.

My mother had had a problem with my Day's brother (her BIL) and at this time, he was in the hospital from his cancer of the lung acting up. My mother said nothing to anyone, but went to the hospital to wish him well - just that. I don't remember if she ever saw him after that or if that was the year he passed away a few months after. It made her feel good though that she was "big" enough to do it.

I can not blame you for feeling as you did, but if it "bothers" you, and because she is your mother though may not act like it, even a simple card with a note saying that your brother had told you of her illness and you wish her well could be something you might consider. After that, you don't need to speak, write, see her or anything else. Once she passes, whenever that will be, you will have the knowledge that although she did not deserve your respect, you can feel that you "made peace" which will make you feel good.

In Reiki, they teach you to put a white light around the person and wish them well. Whether I agree with the theory, I'm not sure but then again, I'm not a real goody 2-shoes. I can hate with the best of them. :roflmao: But..... I do try. To me it's like "feeling a store cheated you" and just not going back but not making a big stink about it.

Mel:

I agree completely with Jean, after all her mistaks and everything she is still your mother and hey say blood is thicker than water, so in my opinion between family members you should always be bigger person and frgive and forget, she migh have done what she had based on her valid reasons.

Listen to Jean

Asha

Jean, basically, we had the same idea; you just type faster and word it better.

I don't want to tell you you're getting old, but I do feel that wisdom does come with age and we are there, :roflmao:

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Phyllis,

If I'm wise, it didn't come from age. People have been telling me that I've got an old soul from the time I was a kid. I was always the 'logical mommy' every where I go. It came from my dad and reading the "Encyclopedia of Human Behavior."

Jean

Dear Mel,

Here are my thoughts - from my experience.

My situation is reversed from yours in that I am the mother, who after 32 years of marriage finally got the courage to leavemy marriage. My sons are grown (were in their mid-20's and married with children) and really, truly haven't forgiven me. I think I was a pretty good mom to them when they were growing up because they are two great husbands and fathers. Their dad sure had a big part in it, too. They felt that I betrayed them when I left their dad and then moved over 1000 miles away and started a different life.

My choices, though, are my choices. And of course, in their case I'm sure they look at my current situation and think I've got just what I "deserve". Are they right? Do we get what we deserve because our choices don't mesh with another's opinion of what we should or should not do? I really don't think so.

My mother went to her grave with alot of hate in her heart toward my husband. I had to come to terms with forgiving the people in my life who didn't "approve" of my decisions because if I couldn't forgive them and accept my part in the situations I'd never have any peace in my own life.

I can certainly understand your ambivalence toward your mom's health situation. You feel betrayed in many ways because the role she has played in your life isn't the one you expected. The other side of the coin is that she couldn't accept the choices you made for your life. I think we all need to do what we need to do for our physical, emotional and spiritual health since we are really complex individuals. I hope you will find what you need to give yourself peace about your past.

Warmly,

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Ann,

They say that divorce is often harder on adult children than on the little ones, especially for our generation where women were better at pretending that everything in the marriage was okay---at least in front of the kids. I've heard it said that adult kids, in this situation, feel as if their whole childhoods were a lie when they find out that their parents stayed together mostly for their sakes. Do you think there is some truth in this for your situation as well?

Mother and daughter relationships are so complex! My mother loved me but both my dad and mother had no mothers in their lives from age 7-8 years old so she had no real role model to pattern motherhood after. My mother was farmed out as a laborer by the time she was nine. I do think in our pain to over come our own often dysfunctional childhoods that we forget that our own parent/s may have had very good reasons for turning out the way they did. Learning to see that is key to finding the forgiveness needed to break the mold and not keep passing on the dysfunction that unresolved resentments makes us do.

Jean

Jean,

I absolutely agree with the opinion about divorce being more difficult for adult children to accept. My youngest son has said his brother feels I lied and can't believe anything I say today because of the divorce. All I can do is continue to demonstrate to him that Mom is still Mom and the divorce hasn't changed my core - or my love for him. After six years I think he is finally beginning to get it.

My mom's mother died when she was 17 years old. She never had a relationship as an adult with her mother and I'm convinced adult mother/daughter relationships are important tools for role-modeling. We can read all we want, but experiencing life really does help us live it, doesn't it?

Warmly,

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Oh, yes, Ann, I totally agree that living life is different that reading about life. In hindsight, I am glad my parents didn't have traditional role model mothers because they didn't raise me like the other little girls I knew. They supported me in all my non-traditional goals and my dad didn't treat me any differently than he did my brother in what he taught us. I got none of the 'girls can't do that' stuff from my parents and they even fought to help me be the first girl ever in our high school to take shop and mechanical drawing classes. I wish at 20-30-40 we could all have the insight that hindsight gives us at 50-60 and 70.

Jean