I'm scared and I'm a coward
OK. Now I admit it. I'm scared. I'm a coward. Have been all my life but now it really shows. I am just about 1.5 years past my stroke. This past Monday, I went to the dr. and he read the results from my MRI and MRA. I have a calcified aneurysm on my brain stem. I have gone on the internet and tried to decipher this but I have only found medical language that I cannot understand. I don't know if its because I am emotional about this and my brain won't process it for me or if I've suddenly become really stupid.
The bad part is, on Wednesday, yesterday, I felt really horrible. The worst I have felt since my stroke. I have plans. I told the dr. I want to get into the best physical condition I can to go to Africa to volunteer. I told him I want to go back into therapy so I can work w/ a therapist who can help me work towards my potential oustide of therapy. They can coach me on what muscle groups to work on and how much I should exercise w/out overdoing it. I have signed up to volunteer at the local SPCA (but that won't happen until sometime in May and I can't go pet the animals until I have the volunteer training).
Well, feeling so horribly on Wednesday has really put a damper on my plans. Now I am worried if this is all due to the calcified aneurysm. When I was in the office, I told the dr. that because the aneurysm is calcified, that it is stronger than if it were a regular aneurysm, is that correct? He said that was true. So this translates to my living longer. However, feeling as I do right now, how much longer? I am not a drama queen and I don't like thinking like this.
If this is the case, then I want to plan my life, as we all should, to live it as I want. I want to have my friends around, I want to laugh, I want to go to Africa, I want to be effective, I want to volunteer and be helpful. The last thing I want to do is languish in my living room and do nothing w/ my life.
A calcified aneurysm lasts longer or is not as potentially dangerous as a regular aneurysm. So does that mean I laugh at the gods because I've gotten away from their grasp? Did I get away w/ something? Should I be out in the streets laughing and jumping for joy?
As my son says, we don't know what will happen the next day. I am a coward. I don't know how to die. I am scared. But I am putting my toe out w/ trepidation to touch the water of life. Please support me. Thank you. Take Care. LK
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