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IM so stressed and SECOND guessing my decisions

TNstroke61306

Entry posted by TNstroke61306

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I hope I can come back to this blog someday and laugh at myself for being so silly and stressed out but this has been one heck of a last two weeks for me. I want to retire or quit my job and stay home full time but there's the issue of insurance..........My poor little brain just has been running around in circles trying to decide this trying to do that thinking of ways I can make our life easier and all the while I keep getting more UNorganized and stressed. Last week I decided I would sell our house and move to our Mobile home in Florida, quit my job and just live on George's retirement and disability. I even talked to George about it and he would just love to move to Florida, he loves it there. But our place is right across the street from my Mom and Dads and they like to consume most of every day of mine. It never bothers George, he just does his own thing (or did before his stroke) and I am the one who is eaten up with "guilt" if I don't spend most of my time with my Mom. Plus the place there is old and needs a lot of fixin up and our home here is nice. We are just 1 1/2 hours away from the grandkids and if we moved to FL we would be 12 hours away. SO, my next plan of attack was to think about just retiring. Well, I just don't know how I can do that and pay for our insurance each month. George won't be on medicare until next year May 08. So then the next thing I did was (after crying at his therapy session in from of the OT) I told her how I heard that you could work at the hospital parttime and still get insurance. When I got home the therapy receptionist called me and told me there is an opening parttime at the therapy center and so I applied. Now I have an interview on Monday and I felt pumped and great about it yesterday UNTIL I talked to my friend, JoAnn. JoAnn proceeded to tell me that 28 hours even though parttime was still 4 days aweek and did I really WANT to do that!!! and I would probably be giving up my vacations I have earned from my other job.. But I work from HOME 12 noon till 8 pm and I am stuck in the house all of the time. I am a people person and I miss human conversational contact. If I got the job the pay would be probably 1/5th of what I am making now. I thought working parttime would be just what I wanted now I am second guessing myself. I am so stressed and am trying to figure EVERYTHING out at once and am burying myself in it. I have a caregiver who has been coming 3 days a week but lately it has been more like 1 day a week so I am more overwhelmed than ever. George stays home with me while I work and we have been going to therapy in the morning before 12 noon when I work then he sleeps in the afternoon or watches tv, at 8pm I get off work, fix supper and then try and get everything else done at night. I feel like I am just in this big whirlwind all of the time. I know everyone says to take care of myself but I am finding it hard to find the time to. I usually can talk to my dad but in any of these situations where I need to make a life changing decision all he says is "I'm sure you will make the right decision and do the right thing" I feel like I am 12 years old again and my Dad is saying the same thing to me when I usually knew what the right thing was to do. I just don't know what is right now. I have this overwhelming sense of responsibility that I have always felt I needed to make sure I had a good job and took care of things and if I did something other that the "right" thing it would NOT be right. So I have I am sure missed out on lots of things I could have done that would have been fun and probably RIGHT for me because of my sense of responsibility. I am so ready for a change and I am so ready to feel it's okay to make a change and still be a responsible person. I feel like I am just spiraling downhill emotionally and I need to do something to keep me from crashing. I also want to do what is th e best for George too. My big dream would be to retire, live sparingly and George and I spend time visiting our friends, and family and enjoying our life. Maybe if I get my head out of the sand I can figure it out. It's good to blog cause I can vent here. :cocktail:

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dstraugh

Wendie,

 

You will make the right decisions for the 2 of you. To help you, why not write a pros vs. cons list to help you weigh the odds.

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swilkinson

Hi Wendie

 

There is a balance between the caring you do for George at home, the demands made by your parents, particularly your Mum and the need to have more time to yourself. I have been there. It is not a nice place to be. But is it possible there may be a solution in finding someone to meet your parents needs too? Maybe someone to do some housework, take them shopping etc ? Then they will not be so reliant on you.

 

In the meantime to give yourself breathing space look to fixing your care needs. If you need a caregiver three days a week have one three days a week. Maybe your present girl can do one day and you can find another to do a day too. A lot of what you are feeling now is just lack of time so your mind is going twice as fast to make up for that.

 

Please don't blame yourself for any of this, you are doing your best. Just try and slow the process down a bit and you will find you can look at things from a better position to make decisions.

 

(((Hugs))) from Sue.

 

 

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arogers

Hi Wendie,

 

It's so interesting when we find someone who is walking in our steps. It's sort of like when I got to know Sue's situation. She and I are in much the same situation and have been for a couple of years.

 

I am seeing myself in you. Even though I've heard the words about the need to care for myself in order to care for Bill I've thought it was nice but my situation was different. I really could manage it all. Well, at two years out from Bill's last stroke I am finding myself hitting the wall. I am learning the hard way that I MUST take care of myself or I won't be around to care for Bill.

 

Donna's suggestion of listing the pros and cons of changing jobs and/or locations is excellent. Right now you probably need to take some emotion out of your decision making. One thing I do know for sure. Geographic changes usually don't make pre-existing problems go away. I would suggest to you that changing geographic locations in your situation is probably even more difficult due to health issues. As Sue said, if you need a caregiver three days a week than one day a week isn't working and changing that situation alone may help ease some of your stress.

 

Believe me when I say I could feel your stress when I read your blog because I've been there. I also know about waiting for Medicare to take affect. I sure wish I knew why the two year wait. It seems to me that when a person is eligible for SSDI they would also be eligible for Medicare, just like when we get Social Security Medicare also takes affect. Bill's finally took affect April 1. I know it will make a big difference.

 

So, do take some time for yourself. Leave the dishes. For me, even though I'm home now, I find myself so exhausted some nights that I wait until the next morning to do the dishes. I've got more energy at 7 in the morning than I did at 7 the night before.

 

Do take care,

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