A Different Attitude
This is the first year I can ever remember that I don't want to do Christmas. I mean, I don't want to get the tree out, decorate it, decorate the house, do the baking, do the shopping and generally put on the "ho ho ho" face. So, what do I do? Go through the motions? How far can this go for me? Maybe it's because I'm tired. And I'll admit it, a little resentful to have a 20 year old in the house who isn't any "trouble" other than the mental issue of mothering. Yes, he runs the vaccuum, yes he takes the garbage out (on his own time...), yes he unloads the dishwasher, yes he makes his own snacks. Maybe I'm just turning into Scrooge............but, maybe it's the stress of not knowing from day to day how Bill is going to feel - but knowing it isn't going to be "good". Everything I think of means more energy than I really have to expend.
I have questions about Bill's controlling nature, too. I know he said Wednesday that something was wrong with him. He certainly acted sick. However, there is that nagging thought in the back of my mind that he was up every morning other than Wednesday. And Wednesday is his day to go to respite so I can have four hours to myself. My mind keeps waffling into a resentful mode as I wonder if - even subconsciously the illness was a ploy to stay home and sleep - and have me right here, too. Now, I know I will come to my senses and someone will remind me that stroke survivors don't do the things they do "on purpose", it's just the way it is. But sometimes it's nice for us survivors to sit on the pity potty for a little bit of imagined torture.
And so, I will leave my blog for now - knowing I will receive lots of encouragement about a better day a comin'! I do know that, I just feel crabby today and don't want to take it out on Bill!
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