Back in the saddle somewhat
Hello all -
Thank you for your kind responses and encouragement. Hubby and I have been in counseling for almost two months now because he actually brought up divorce - I asked for counseing first and then to see what happens. January has been rough because it's the marker of last year's betrayal by him - talking with and seeing other women "friends" and saying that he didn't kbow how much longer it would lastand if any of them thought they could try again!
I had no idea that things were that bad (I was still in major recovery mode - hadn't even been home from the hospital six months and was still two months away from the first anniversary of the stroke).
I'm still working hard on getting past that - trust issues still remain as he continuew to correspond with his "friends" (who all happen to be old girlfriends) - yes, he's still with me and yes he's committed to counseling, but it's the little things like not sharing what's going on with the friends he does talk to - he still won't help heal the rift between his family and I that he caused by his actions - he doesn't stand up for me on anything..preferring to leave me out in the cold to let me do it on my own (I guess it's hid way of trying to get back the really confident and take charge wife he had before).
Sometimes it really feels like he's just here and doesn't want to do anymore than he has to, lke just coming home and being here (watching TV and then going to bed) should be enough. I know I'm whining, sorry.
It's just been very tough - I've told the counselors and they've suggested things , which we've/he's done but these things only happen once and then fade away - he figures that since he's done what the counselor has asked that is it and nothing more needs to be done on his part.
Not to say that some things haven't gotten better - we've gotten a teensy bit closer- watching TV in bed while cuddling, he actually holds my hand if we are sitting in the living room watching TV.
Yes, we have tried doing other activities together - we've gone bowling a few times, we've gone to the movies, but tha's really been it.
I've joined the local Lions cub and have been involved in that - however the friendships that I can develop in there are liimited to those who really aren't close or know my in-laws(if they do know them then I get the cold shoulder)
It's definitely the small town mentality - the only thing that frustrates me is that I'm paying for his issue.. I guess they figure that had I been doing my wifely duties (while recouping from a massive stroke) that he wouldn't have strayed!!!
I've also joined a local Red Hats group (I'm a Pink Hatter since I'm not yet 50) and had a lot of fun with that - I can't really talk to anyone there either though because over half the group works at the same place that the hubby does!
It seems that I just can't win.... tht's when I think I should leave and go back to where I grew up - there I will have my parents and friends, and the church I gre up in(I have no church here - the closest one is over an hour away). More support there than it ever seems I'll get here.
I'm volunteering where I can but it just seems that the right folks have not come along in person to be friends with. The friends I had (in persom) before the stoke hve either moved away due to job changes or marriages (she moved to Ireland!) and a few just stopped coming around or calling. I've now found out that they couldn't deal with the changes that the stroke brought - their loss.
I do keep in touch with some friends through email and messenger (most of them are from high school) so I consider myself lucky in that respect - and I have met some great people through here who have been great to me - I cannot every express my appreciation for what they have done for me - especially a few who went above and beyond(you know who you are! Love ya!)
I think if I could either get rid of this pain on my left side or just be able to block it, I wouldn't tend to get so depressed daily. Any suggestions?
I just get lonely sometimes ya know? Everybody has their work and their friends/kids. I'm not cleared for work(seizures and TIAs), friends - well you know the whining on that, my girlie is a great source of inspiration and hope - she's fourteen though and doesn't need a lot of Mom's hands on help(although it is great to be here everyday when she gets home!)
So I do have many things to be grateful for - and I am.....I just want my marriage to be better and to find that something that I can do that will make a difference (and somehow redeem myself in this small town's eyes)
I read, I cruise the Internet, I play word games online, I do exercises with my left arm and hand to try to get them to work again(and stop the tremors)....
Okay, that's my pity party for the day....Tomorrow will be better....I'll sleep tonight and really rest through the nerve pain in my neck and shoulder.
One good thing for today - I'll be volunteering with the Lions tonight selling tickets for the high school Bball games - will be out of the house for a while and get to see my favorite sport
Later Gators-
Mel
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