The Red Queen theory of biology
The Red Queen theory of biology says that a species has to continually evolve just to keep pace with the competition. If the gazelles get faster, the lions have to get faster too, or they won't be able to survive. The name comes from Alice in Wonderland, when the Red Queen explains to Alice that on the chessboard you have to run as fast as you can just to stay in the same place, and that you have to go a good deal faster than that if you actually want to get somewhere.
I feel like that's what my life has become since Larry's stroke. Just trying to stay on top of what is happening at the hospital, what tests are being done and why, and find out the test results and what those results mean is taking up all my energy. Why is it so hard to get anyone to explain what is going on? The nurses won't tell me anything; they defer to the doctor, who is never there - he comes in for maybe 2 minutes per day, and if you miss him then there goes your chance to ask questions. Even if I happen to actually be there when the doctor shows up I feel like I'm just getting doubletalk. Larry has been in the cardiac care unit for 3 days now, with no therapy, and I'm really angry. I understand that they need to rule out a heart problem as the reason why he passed out in the wheelchair, but does that take 3 days?? And why can't I get anyone to tell me what's going on? So frustrating.
My dear step-son, who has been a rock through all of this, lives about an hour and a half away and really can't keep coming up here as often as he has. We talk every day about what's going on, and I'm starting to feel like he thinks I'm not pushing hard enough to get answers. I certainly understand his frustration, but also resent that I'm the one who is dealing with this every day - it's easy for him to say from 75 miles away that I need to ask more questions and need to be more "pushy" (which is totally not my nature and very hard for me). My step-daughter has also started distancing herself from the situation and is coming to visit maybe once per week. Both of them have their own lives and young families, and Larry would not want or expect them to put their lives on hold because of this situation. I agree with that; they need to start getting on with "normal" life. I only wish that I could do the same, but the fact is that life will probably never be normal for me again, and I can't help feeling resentful about that.
I went to visit Larry today in the early afternoon, and he was sound asleep. I sat there for 3 hours and he slept the whole time. I'm not sure he even knows that I was there today, and I just did not have the energy to go back again after dinner. I feel guilty for staying home, but I needed the time to myself. I did some compulsive cleaning, worked in the yard, did laundry and just worked on general infrastructure. It all needed to be done, but I feel like I should have gone back to the hospital; I hate the thought of Larry being there all alone.
Death is really a blessing compared to a severe stroke. At least with death there is a clean ending, and the healing process can start. With stroke there is no such ending - it just goes on and on, with an endless round of visits to the hospital, insurance issues, paperwork, and so forth. I feel like I have no life right now - and I am only 2 weeks into it! How am I going to feel in 6 months? A year? 5 years?? I can't even think about that - right now I am barely getting through the days, let alone thinking about any sort of future.
I don't seem to have much of a sense of humor today. I've been trying to keep a good attitude, but as you can see I'm not having much luck right now. The pity party continues...eventually I guess I will stop feeling so sorry for myself, but it hasn't happened yet!
-Janine
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