What are "bootstraps", anyway??
I am really getting tired of listening to myself whine. Everyone here has been very kind and gentle, but there are people here who have been through so much more than I have, and they are getting on with life, and I'm starting to feel embarrassed by how needy this has given me an excuse to be. I've been leaning on my friends, my family, the people on this site, and anyone else who will spare me 5 minutes (or 30).
I visited Larry in the SNF early this morning, and again tonight, and I got teary both times. This is just not helpful - I know it must make him feel bad to see me so distraught. There is a favorite photo that I have of us dancing at his son's wedding, and I had it sitting at his bedside. He picked it up and handed it to me this evening and very clearly told me (not with words) that he wanted me to take it home. I think he was saying that I needed it more than he did. Without beating myself up too much, I can recognize that this is fairly pathetic.
I need to turn the corner and move from being the victim of the stroke to finding a way to let this make me stronger. I'm learning new things from this every day - most of which I could have died happy without knowing - and I want to become a better person from it, not defeated or bitter. It does not help me, or Larry, if I fall apart every time there's a crisis. There will probably be many crises in the months to come, and I have to grow a backbone and learn how to deal with this better.
I'm surprised by how different I feel as a person in just this short time (under a month!). Stroke truly is a life-changing event for everyone involved, and not all of it is bad. I've lost weight, started walking, gained a new appreciation for family and friends, and gotten better at standing up for myself (and for Larry). Those are all GOOD things - and while I would do anything to turn back the clock and make the stroke go away, since that's not possible I am going to try to start focusing more on what I can do, and what I can work on, and less on the things that are out of my control.
Another good thing: Larry has learned how to operate the control on his bed that allows the head and/or foot to go up and down. He could not do that before today, and it was very frustrating to him that he was unable to communicate that he wanted the head of the bed raised or lowered. When I came to visit tonight he spent several minutes showing me how he could make the head of the bed go up! And down! And up again! And then the foot! We were both giggling, it was pretty funny. The control is not as complex as the one in the hospital, but you still have to deal with the arrows and pushing the buttons, and he just did not have that much dexterity last week. The call button is another story, but that's enough for one day.
What a dear, sweet man I married. I've made some bad mistakes in my life, and there are a lot of things I'd take back if I could, but I knew within 5 minutes of our meeting that he was "the one". It took him 2 years to figure it out, but that's his problem. Even if I'd know that this was in store I would not have changed anything. We had 12 happy years, travelled the world, and enjoyed our life, and there is no reason that the next 12 years can't be just as happy, just different. Different doesn't have to be bad, does it? There are people on this site who have done a great job with "different", and I hope to be one of them. Up! down! Up! down! Maybe simplicity is really best.
So, I hope everyone is tired of me. I will see how it feels to work on the positives and not foucus so much on the negative. Although I woudl like to lose some more pounds! Larry looks pretty good too, he must be down at least 30 by now. Better watch those SNF hussies and make sure thy don't steal my man!
xxxoo
..jm..
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