A bad morning
Went to visit Larry this AM with the plan of sitting through all his therapy sessions. This is my last week off before I have to go back to work, and I am trying to absorb as much as I can.
Larry was still in bed when I got there, and seemed to be OK. I started talking about the bathroom remodel that we'll need to do, and let him know I'm getting estimates so that we can get started. I also talked about making arrangements for home care when he comes home. I want him to feel like he knows what's going on, but what I was saying got him pretty upset. Not sure what it was exactly that did it, but I think I gave him too much information. He has always been the one to handle things like work being done on the house, and maybe he was not happy that I'm doing the remodel (no choice - he can't use the bathroom without it). Or, it could be that he doesn't like the idea of having the home care person in the house, but when I told him that if we don't do that I would need to quit working and care for him that upset him even more.
In any case, he started pulling away if I tried to take his hand, and at one point put a pillow over his face as if to block out everything. He started making loud noises, pointing at the door and making faces, grabbing my hand and pulling me to get me to stand up and move toward the door. It was pretty clear that he wanted me to leave. I tried to calm him down, and apologized for upsetting him, but he wasn't having any of it. I finally left, and sat in the car and sobbed for a while. It is so hard when he does this...I know he is frustrated (I am too), but this behavior is really distressing. I'm getting ready to go back, after having been at home now for a couple of hours, and I'll see if I can start over.
This is my fault for not understanding that hearing about the remodel and/or home care would upset him so much. I know that pre-stroke he would have hated the idea of being the cause of all this trouble, expense and worry, and maybe hearing me talk about what I'm having to do is what set him off. Going forward I'm going to have to be careful about what I tell him and how I frame it. It's not as important for him to be "in the loop" about what's going on as it is for him to concentrate on his recovery, and he sure was not doing that this morning.
I am pretty depressed again, and feeling like every gain seems to bring a corresponding step backward.
-Janine
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