Acceptance
It's not called giving up. It is called acceptance. That is what I decided to do. Accept things for the way they are and stop crying over spilled milk. Dont think I am giving up. Im just realizing that I cant always get what I want no matter how hard I try. All I can do is try. I actually tried to think of all the thigs I would do if I was ambidextrous and to my surprise there was only a few things I could think of that I cant do using one hand. I still dont like my limp but I guess its not so bad since I dont have to see it and I have tried to convince myself that people are only staring because Im so beautiful. My stroke was so long ago that I realized I cant remember what it was like prestroke. I was a kid in the 6th grade. Now I am a grown woman in college. Life wasent all that great for me before I had my stroke neither so I dont ever want to go back to that. I have just accepted that if it is in God's plan for me to walk without a limp, one day I will limp no more, just as it took me 3 months to learn to walk and 3 years to learn to walk without popping my knee back. and if I do live with a limp then so be it. Im thankful that I can walk and I do thank God for that ability everyday no matter how much I complain about my limp in the blogs. As for my vision, I might not be able to see everyone but atleast I might get my license this year and I believe God compensates for my vision everyday when I cross the 4 lane highway back and forth from my apartment to the campus when walking so I have faith that he will continue to keep me safe on foot or in a car. Lastly as for my hand, I have accepted it. One thing I like about the winter time is I can wear big jackets so my bent arm isnt as noticeable and as I said before, Ive learned to do so much with my right hand that sometimes I forget about my left one. Also, my index finger has been really lose lately and I remembered my ot saying the index finger would most likely be first to move so maybe it will start moving as impossible as it seems. I have been wearing the splint to help my wrist and my boyfriend's massages have loosened my shoulder so much that I can move my left arm with ease! maybe one day I will be able to move my fingers the same way.
I have also accepted that I have a 3.9. Last year's valevictorian had a 4.0 her entire 4 years and I guess I was trying to be her but I cant be her and will never be her. I would rather be happy and stress free the rest of the semester than depressed and stressed just as I was last semester trying to make everyone else proud.
I know by now you all are wondering what fueled this new attitude? Well I ate diner with friends and made new friends 2 days in a row so that definantly put a big smile on my face, I read the bible everyday and pray every morning and night so that is helping me stay sane. I still have moments when I get depressed and burst into tears over small things but hopefully a trip to the neuro will straighten that out. Also, I might be getting a job this summer. A recruiter for college students with disabilities is coming to my school and I have an interview with him! Another reason Im not stressed about the 4.0 is I have already been accepted into the criminal justice honor society and I have a 4.0 in all of my criminal justice classes. And Im pretty sure I will be accepted into the new honors program and get a chance to study abroad in china this summer. So I am not on top of the world right now and not much has changed since my last entry except that I decided to give you guy the good side of the story and write about acceptance. Acceptance does not equal happiness to me but it does feel good
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