I've given in
Yesterday i gave in......i canceled my membership at my local ymca. yesterday i gave in.....i will no longer take 3 hour art workshops. yesterday i gave in......i will get some help with housework. and so forth......
I have NOT however, given up!!! I will do what i can when it comes to exercise each day. I will continue to draw and paint as i desire and the classes I choose to take will be in a series and with limited hours. I have set up a schedule with a young woman in the neighborhood to help me twice a month with floors and such.
I am tired of fighting myself.
I wrote in my last blog about searching for the middle ground in recovery......yet in the back of my mind i still believed I could...with much effort......do things in my pre-stroke way. I know some survivors go back to work, go to school, resume hobbies and take water exercise and lift weights. Yeah for them!!!!! I, however am not one of those survivors. I have to face it. It is a painful realization but I am not going to get my stamina back. Of course I am 500% better than I was 3.5 years ago and I am grateful. I have challenged myself and re-challenged myself on so many things. I have set up ...in my mind....my success plans and gone at them full tilt. First in leaps and then in baby steps. If i am going to live my life as a survivor who enjoys her second chance I need to give up my idea that being a hard worker with a positive, can-do attitude change my stroke outcome. All that does is is let me down and lead to tears and depression. oh, i will always be a positive person.....i was before my stroke. I will always want to try new things.....the world is one big interesting place. Yet over the past weeks I have become more accepting and sanguine about my limits in life. I think acceptance is a journey of degrees and I am feeling more comfortable at the moment.
with that I will sign off And, remember the days are getting longer! kathy
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