I got up early this morning and have been sitting here reading back over my diary entries from this time last year. I don't think anything major has changed but there have been a few subtle changes. Ray is more vague as time goes by, doesn't know what day it is , doesn't remember what he did yesterday or even sometimes this morning or even an hour ago.

I guess our autumn ( fall) with the falling leaves, declining plant growth and slowly cooling days brings on all kinds of reflective thoughts. Here, facing a winter that from all reports may be a harsh one also means we are facing days of being shut in, unable to go out and about in our usual ways. I know this will bring more feelings of isolation with it. In real-life friends from our past hardly contact now, I can understand that as we have less and less in common . I know for some people the thought that dementia is somehow a "mental" illness does keep them away and it is out of sight, out of mind. I find my church friends and friends from the associations we have belonged to for many years still are okay with us.

Ray does very little of his own initiative, he no longer clears his dishes off the table or remembers to bring in cutlery, he was still doing that this time last year. He does very little of his own volition beside eat and sleep. He does go out with me but it is a step-by-step process to get him ready and a lot of extra work for me to get him out of the house but it is worth it as it fights off depression for both of us. He still sits on the verandah for periods of time doing word puzzles or staring into space but he spends more time in front of the television than he used to and is less active. The shower nurse still guides him through some gentle exercise three times a week so that helps to keep him flexible.

We went to the kidney specialist today and the report was mostly good but his iron is down significantly so we are doubling the iron tablets and adding vitamin C tablets. He is on so many medications and I am sure some of them conflict. But on the whole his health is good. He doesn't have much energy some days though and I find I am helping him up out of his chair now. Ray has had some more periods of incontinence but that has decreased in the last two weeks. Possibly the cooler weather is helping his kidneys to cope better. I love our autumn, cool days, cold nights. The days are so beautiful now.

I have had computer troubles the last four weeks so have caught up on some odd jobs. Being without the internet has left me feeling cut off from all the wonderful friends I have made in my cyber world. The support I receive from this site makes a real difference to how I cope. Without the support of family and friends it would be a really lonely life. I realise a lot of our friends are more distant now, after all they have been "supporting" us for ten years almost. That is a real long time, and of course will not change radically ( I hope) in the foreseeable future. We as a couple will always need some level of support, emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical. We are not needy, we just need a helping hand from time to time.

Trev has been talking of applying for jobs away from here. There is a high level of unemployment now on the coast and as employers know their jobs are much in demand wages are lower too. I think he thought it would be simply a matter of applying for a few jobs and he would be back in work again. Not so it seems with so many others looking for work too. I am sure he will get something in the end and if he has to move away..so be it. But if he does move away that will be one of our supports gone. Am I being selfish in hoping he will find something local that satisfies him?

I am preparing for a busy couple of weeks. Ray and I go to Camp Breakaway next week, Tuesday till Friday for the Carer's Camp, I sent the money away yesterday. I enjoyed it last year and have my fingers crossed that it will not rain. The weekend that follows is our Apex40 convention, it is local this year so Ray and I can join in some of the activities. It will be good to catch up with the Bendigo mob as we were at their convention almost ten years ago when Ray had the stroke that changed our lives on 19th April, 1999.

The following week Ray is going into care for two weeks and I am going on a five day tour with some of the conventioneers. I know it has all come at once which is difficult but I will have a week when I come back when I will be able to set up the house and yard for winter. Of course there was the hard choice of going on the five day trip or going to our daughter in Cairns but I need to do other things that don't involve family for a change. And Ray and I are going to Cairns to spend ten days with them in July. The weather will be cold here by then but still lovely and warm in the tropical north.

I am back on the computer but will not be back in chat for a couple of weeks due to these other activities. I hope to catch up with you all soon and be a "regular" again. God bless all of you in your struggles to make some sense of your life when you or someone you love is living with stroke, dementia or other life altering illness.