You know that saying: "a change is as good as a holiday"? Well whoever said that obviously had never lived the caregivers' life. To the caregiver a lack of change is a relaxed life. No change = good, change = bad. So why do I think I need to make some changes in my life?

For one thing I know a rut is like a grave just not as deep. We form a rut in our lives when we do the same thing day after day. So when I set up my nice routine, where I know I can cope, know I can do the things that Ray can manage, where the sun shines and we go outside, the rain falls and we stay inside, that is good, BUT it is a rut. It is not really living, it lacks stimulation, new experiences, new ways of looking at situations. So I live but I don't grow in wisdom etc.

I have just signed up to do a twelve months course - a very elementary one - on theology. Our present Bishop considers it a minimum requirement for those doing pastoral care in the church. This Certificate level course is only about one third of what I did in my Diploma in Theology which I finished in 1995. But 1995 is almost fifteen years ago so I guess you could say I have no current qualifications. So I signed up. I need it if I am ever going to go back to the life I gave up when Ray had the strokes in 1999. Then I was working three days in the public service, two days in a voluntary capacity in a parish, doing pastoral visits, teaching in kid's church etc. To do that now I need more qualifications or at least a refreshment of my old ones.

When do I plan to use these qualifications? I don't plan on using them at all. The additional piece of paper will come in handy for future employment as an employer needs to know you are still capable of learning, or that is the way it is here. So telling someone you haven't been in paid employment for ten years is not likely to impress and another piece of paper might. Who knows what the future will bring?

This also raises another question: Should I have instead enrolled in something that would give me more "employment entry" qualifications? Probably not as I can miss some parts of this course and catch up later if I need to so am not as tied down as I might be to other courses. I am able to get some weekend Daycare which is partly government funded to do the course BUT the venue is the Dementia Lodge where Mum is. I am not sure this is a good solution but only time will tell. Ray may be happy to be there for seven hours on a Saturday ( nine in all) while I am doing to course or he may not. Either way I need to go ahead and do the course. I will think of it as part of my "Sue time".

The other change I have been looking at has to do with this house. I really do need an ensuite toilet in our bedroom. It would make life so much easier but our plumbing would not cope with it. So I need to either spend a great deal of money setting it up or move. Moving in the present situation would not be a good idea. Ray has a great love for this house which he mostly built. It is his safe place, his small heaven on earth. The verandah, the bedroom, now the shower room set up especially for him are all part of his security. If we moved I think the anxiety that would cause would accelerate his dementia, literally "drive him mad". So I am very hesitant to sell.

There are so many decisions to make, just in everyday life. Think of your morning routine and how many decisions you make just in getting up and getting dressed and having breakfast. Hundreds of tiny decisions - shirt or sweater, long sleeves or short sleeves, long or short pants, colour of socks, shoes or slippers and so on. I make most of them for Ray. He now doesn't process the information needed to make even small decisions so I make them for him. I set out his clothes, I prepare his breakfast, he sits down and eats it. I may ask if he'd like a cup of tea or a glass of juice but mostly I just give him what I am drinking. It seems easier that way. I hope in doing so I am not over-riding decisions he would have made - if he was capable that is.

So in trying to make decisions I can't ask Ray, all I can do is take into consideration what he would have wanted to do, based on my forty plus years of knowing him. Sometimes that seems a huge responsibility.