Like most caregivers I suspect I often fail to thank my spouse for going that extra mile, for doing something that benefits me more than it benefits him and for being tolerant in the face of me wanting him to do something that formerly he wouldn't have had to be involved in. Prior to the 1999 strokes that disabled Ray and retired me to look after him Ray and I lived very seperate lives. We lived under the same roof of course, we shared the resonsibilities of running a house and raising a family but we each had our own activities.

Ray had always been in a service club for maybe twenty years or so and was in our local Lions Club. He went off to dinner meetings twice a month and also attended most of the service projects on weekends. He was also a board member and held one of the positions connected with one of the hands-on service projects. He was in training to be President in a couple of years time. I was simply his Lions Lady and turned up at dinners where partners were invited to attend with the obligatory plate of sandwiches or savouries or cake. Just one of many charming wives that attended.

We both went to church but Ray went on Sundays to our "old church" and I worked two days a week plus five or so hours on Sundays in a parish closer to where I worked at my public service job. By then I was part-time working Wednesday to Friday only. When Ray had the strokes I had been doing the parish work for three years. I finished my Diploma in Theology in 1995, went back to work full-time and then in 1996 started the three days paid work, two days voluntary work in the parish. I got a lot of satisfaction out of teaching kids religion in schools, running women's groups, helping with Kid's Club and Sunday School when required and doing so many things in the way a paid assistant does but actually as an unpaid worker. Churches can't always afford an extra paid worker and so unpaid voluntary people who have had good training make up for the deficit. I was one of many but I was part-time for two days every week but others ran particular organisations and groups within the church structure.

We also belonged to several other organisations so our life was pretty full. Our childen were young adults, two recently married and living close by, one settled a bit further afield but with a good job and a partner. All were independent and busy. They didn't visit us a lot but were happy to just keep us involved in their lives. I guess that made us a pretty average family. Of course we had lots of plans, travel, maybe a move further north, certainly more overseas travel. We also helped the kids with any project they were working on. As a carpenter Ray had always been "Mr Fixit" for friends, neighbours and anyone else who needed his help. He was always willing to lend a helping hand, a person who was very generous with his time. But he was still plagued by that pesky fatigue issue so not as busy with helping out as prior to the 1990 stroke.

Ray had had the stroke in 1990 but after the six months of rehabilitation and his return to work life resumed it's pace. Mostly it was the same life as pre-stroke except for the fatigue issues - Ray worked full time but at home he was so tired and our social life etc suffered a bit because of that but we were coping very well. We never imagined that there would be other health issues ahead. We had planned some overseas holidays. Ray wanted to see Australia first but I was determined to take him to see England, I had come from there as a migrant child in 1955. So in 1994 and 1998 we had two six week holidays, in 1994 we had a two week coach tour on the Continent as well as four weeks catching up with as many of my relatives in England as we could. In 1998 we went over for a wedding of a girlfriend's son but also managed to do most of southern England, Ireland and Wales We didn't have any worries about Ray's health, he was "over it" right?

And all that changed when he had stroke number two on 19th April 1999 and stroke number three on 10th May 1999. Life changed so dramatically for both of us. From then on we were together, I resigned from my job and came back to the parish Ray had continued in. I did some work there but just a small percentage of what I had been able to do in my last parish. Ray, his rehabilitaion, recovery and return to as good a life as we could manage was my priority and that is the way it had to be. It never occurred to me that I had any other choices.

I also took on the care of my parents, bringing Dad and Mum to stay with me permanently in Septemebr 1999. Dad had terminal cancer and died four months later. Mum I kept with me for over two years. The ups and downs of that story would take a whole book, not a few lines so suffice to say she has been in her room in her Dementia Lodge now for more than seven years. The doctor said in May 2001 when Ray had stroke number four that it was time for me to place her in care and he was right, so in September that year I did so. A lot of the years in between then and now I have documented in my blogs.

So why am I grateful to Ray today? It was the Orientation day for my new course today so we went just over an hour north of here to meet up with my 50 or so fellow students and learn what we had let ourselves in for. Of course the program is nothing like the prospectus but I think it is manageable. I have done study before so I know how to read a text, make notes, regurgitate it all in essay form. It will be a struggle time-wise but with careful management of my "free" time I should do okay. I am not heading for a credit or a distinction, just a pass will do fine. These days I don't have anything to prove.

By a huge co-incidence Jeff, Ray's main carer/shower nurse is also on the same course. We knew he was a church attender in the same denomination as us but didn't know he was also a preacher. Apparently his minister asked him to do the course as a refresher as like me he had not studied for many years. So it was nice to see him today and we had lunch together and had a good talk. I am hoping that us being on the same course does not make for conflict in any future events, I don't think it should. It can be awkward sharing in groups with someone who knows you from another aspect of your life so I will be very discreet if Jeff is in the same group.

It was a long day and by mid-afternoon Ray was nodding off in his wheelchair. I don't think much of the coursework information we were given today was of much interest to him although a couple of the guest speakers were quite articulate and humorous in their approach to their subject so he did join in the laughter - when it woke him up. Ray was amiable and smiled a lot, he acknowledged those who bothered to come over and talk to the "guy in the wheelchair". On the whole he seemed happy just to be with a group of people, it is not always that way with Ray now and I was very grateful.

Tonight after dinner and before he went to get ready for bed I thanked him for being there for me, for participating in something I wanted to do even though he needn't have been invoved. He said it was a pleasure and I was welcome. It was a very gracious reply. Thanks Ray.