Figuring things out
It never fails - I think I have just about everything figured out & then BAM! I get hit with something and have something to refigure.
I had a pretty sweet life up to the stroke. I was fit, healthy, and on my way to finishing up schooling. BAM! Stroke. I often wrote and felt that I had aged 50 years in the blink of an eye. I think I understand why now. I had some disconnect with my mind and body.
BS (before stroke), my mind and body were in sync. What I thought I could do, I just did. Without fail. All of a sudden, I thought I could do things that I simply couldn't do. No way, no how (walking, grabbing things, etc.). It is incredibly difficult to convey how this dissonance felt. I thought I was still healthy and fit. I simply couldn't get my mind to sync up with my body. It was impossible for me to understand that I was broken. I think that I realized it in small patches (one sad memory was of me sobbing uncontrollably and asking Bob to please just take the stroke effects away, just for 1 day and I promised that I would find the strength to fight it if I could only just have a break), but I couldn't really make my mind understand what my brain did to my body. Only time would allow the two to make that connection.
I realized last night that it is coming together. My mind is accepting my body. I recall having a lunch date with a good friend (Friend of Survivor, in fact!), and as we sat in a 2 person booth, I had no idea what to do with my arm. This disconnect between my mind and body manifested itself frequently in the feeling that parts of my body didn't feel like they belonged. At lunch, I crossed my arms so that I could control my affected arm. I felt terrible as I'm sure it came across as closed off body language, but I just didn't know what else to do with my arm. At least I could simply tuck my affected leg/foot behind my good leg/foot and be okay with it being secured.
I feel fairly whole now. A portion of my affected foot often feels odd and 'out of place' (for lack of a better term) but since it is connected to the rest of my foot which feels fine, it is easier to deal with. I feel like my arm and leg belong to my body again.
I'm sure much of this has to do with the brain cells that have to pick up the responsibility of the dead cells. The new ones have no basis to determine what feels comfortable or appropriate. Only as time passes do they figure out how it is supposed to feel. When I would get frustrated at the experimental program at USC, I would have to stop and explain that it wasn't that I didn't *want* to do something (as one person claimed that 'some strokers don't want to do' stuff), it was that my brain didn't understand what was right and how right felt. There was frustration on both sides. There were some people who think that I just wasn't cooperating and I felt frustrated that my brain cells weren't picking it up as fast as they needed. I feed off other people's stress which is NOT healthy! If someone is anxious, all that energy is absorbed and I become anxious. Yuck. The good thing is that if someone is contagiously happy - I am too!
I once told Bob that my brain is figuring things out similarly to a fresh one (babies/kids), only a little faster. I often commiserated with toddlers learning to walk. I figure that (similar to muscle memory), my brain is catching on fairly quickly and I'm past adolescence (whew! I felt awkward for awhile after the stroke - very teenage-y). Glad that is over! I'm getting better & believe with all my being that I can get to a fully sync'd up place in life. Just you watch!
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