Every year just before Spring I get a fit of the blues. It usually is accompanied by a head cold (yep, got one of those) and a feeling that I am stuck in one place and don't really know how to move forward. So that is the place I am at today.

Good news, we got OUR shower nurse Jeff back today; bad news, he think he is being moved further south of us for most of his client list as that is closer to home for him and thus less travelling. It's a pity as he and another man called Len have been Ray's favourite Friday respite companions. I have always been happy to go off and leave Ray in their care. It has been more like having a friend visit than having a paid worker in the house. But all good things come to an end as we know. So changes again for us.

I didn't go and see Mum today as I have the head cold. I can't go back until I am germ free. I took Trev to see her on Tuesday. She was sitting at a table and I knelt down and came in on her left side so she could see me. She now has macular degeneration and cataracts so very little sight left. I waited until she focussed and smiled and then told Trev to hunker down alongside me and change places. He did this and said in wonder: "Look Mum, Granma is smiling at me, she knows me." Which is probably not true but she was smiling because a small spark of memory told her this is someone she knows who is friendly. So darned sad she is so far into dementia now but until we have a cure so many older folk will end up the same way, a familiar much-loved parent, grandparent and friend with no connection to life around them or ability to communicate with those they love.

Sometimes I have a feeling that life is sliding past me. It is to do with the fact that Ray's health is slowly changing again. As he is less willing or able to go out etc I am turning down more invitations, getting less time to contact friends and also losing the companionship our relationship used to provide. It is no longer possible to have long conversations with Ray and even short questions are so often answered now by:"I don't know" or "I don't remember". I know in the end that he will be like my Mum is now, nodding and smiling, sitting in an easy chair or propped up by pillows on a hospital bed. Not tomorrow, not the next day, but some time down the track.

So what building blocks do I have that I can use to rebuild my life as it falls apart? This is the next question. And so far there are no answers as to do any activity for myself I need more care hours. They never stretch far enough as it is. Last week the lunch for Scallywags meant that I did only a portion of what I usually get done on a Friday as I only had 9am till noon instead of 9am till 3pm. It is impossible to take time for any extras I want to do. I am stretched with doing what I do now. I really do need more care hours for Ray. And at the moment I don't qualify so I am stuck. It is like trying to rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic.

I am finally catching up on my studies, I am two and a half weeks behind instead of three weeks behind. And if I stopped coming on here I might catch up a little faster. ..right? Wrong, coming on here allows me to vent and venting clears my mind so I then sit down and study with a clear mind. That's my story and I'm sticking to it ( apologies to givincare for using her motto here).

So any bright ideas about how I might turn my life around, feel happier about the way life is going etc always welcome. You all know me so well now.

The new thing I am doing (for as long as Ray is happy to accompany me) is Kid's Club at the church 3pm to 5pm on Wednesdays. I play tether tennis, hula hoop, throw the ball through the ring, etc with the younger group, then go and make fruit toast for the afternoon tea while another volunteer makes sandwiches, then after a story or a little role play they all sit down and eat, then out for more play, a craft, some more play and then in and I do a candle prayer to finish. It is very low key and the kids probably don't find it churchy but a good place to play with a good afternoon tea. Of course there are some rules but we make it all as pleasant as possible. We have some mums stay so give them afternoon tea too and ask them to join in as they feel they can. We have four volunteers from the church and about an equal number of mums for fifteen kids.

Which of course is why I am wanting to do more, to get more involved, just small things like being able to go to Bible study etc. I am so restricted as Ray NEEDS his aftenoon sleep now and really doesn't survive well without it. Yesterday he slept from 12.30pm till 2.30pm then 5.30pm - 7.30pm, we had a late dinner and he went back to bed. Not as good as being able to sleep through the afternoon but better than last week when he had no sleep until he got home and was so tired and confused from lack of sleep that he really didn't function well at all.

I guess there really isn't any easy solution to this and I am going to have to wait and see what the future brings. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other as usual.