Acceptance? or Faith? (Picture included)
Since my last entry, I have been really trying to go to church more and get closer to God. I found a new church that I have been visiting. I love it. The people are so friendly and I feel right at home. My church is a holiness pentecostal church so everyone gets the holy ghost and there is a lot of dancing and clapping which makes me feel left out and like I cant really praise God like everyone else. but at the new church i have been visiting it is non-denominational and it is a mixed congregation so its not predominantly gospel music and I can just lift my hand or sway side to side and it feels great because I don't feel bad anymore. The pastor has been preaching about joy. One thing I learned from him is that earthly things can not bring you joy, they can only bring you temporary happiness. and don't concentrate on one thing because God can bless you in other ways. I have mostly everything I want but when I pray I cant help but think of my stroke. I always pray that I will be able to clap my hands in church one day but maybe God is telling me I dont have to clap my hands to praise him? I pray that I will walk straight but maybe God is saying me walking with a limp is testimony and encouragement for others? I dont know what to pray. Do I pray for acceptance that this is the way I will be until God is ready to change me? Or do I pray for faith that with exercise and healing from God one day I will be able to do the things I pray for? I really don't know. I am out of school now for my break and I am trying not to get depressed (as I always get depressed when I sit idle thinking of negative thoughts). so lately I have been looking at my arm a lot. I concentrate so much on it. My limp isnt so bad. Most people ask me if I got hurt so Im guessing I dont walk like I had a stroke. My vision cant be fixed since it is brain nerve damage and nothing wrong with my actual eyes. but my arm really gets on my nerves. Not only can I not use my hand but I cant even straighten out my wrist or my arm when I walk especially during cold weather. Here is a pic. (I am wearing blue and black)
This is a picture of me and my sorority sisters at their graduation yesterday. When I see the pic I should think of my sisters, graduation, happiness, smiles. but when I look at it all I can see is my arm. I hate to remind myself that my arm looks like this to everybody. I cant feel it and I cant see it since its on my left side so I never realize what it looks like to other people but looking at this pic made me really sad. I knew my arm is not completely straight all the time but I never realized it looked like that and what makes it so bad is it was 40 degrees that day so I couldnt straighten it out if I wanted to because it was so stiff. I just dont know what to do. I put my wrist in the brace but my fingers hurts when I take it out and its so hard to get it on that its just frustrating. I try to straighten my arm when I walk but I guess I cant do two things at once because it always make me lose my balance. When I go to the doctor the only thing he can suggest is botox but I hate getting botox because it is so painful and I never see the benefits. I am starting to question this baclofen I have been taking for two years now too. I dont see what difference it is making. I guess I should just pray that God gives me the ability to accept myself the way I am. I just dont want to feel like Im settling and giving up because I know that he has the power to heal and deliver. What do you guys pray?
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