ups and downs
Sometimes we’re up sometimes we’re down. Oh yes, oh yes. It is getting that way, back on the roller coaster again. Not that we are always in pain, sad, exhausted, worried sick etc but that some part of the day it is so.
It is Ray who is in pain, bad pain, almost crying pain. He moves slowly, like a very old man, he needs help to get out of bed and he needs me to push him in the wheelchair as he can’t walk. He sits in the car and sighs and groans and clutches his left leg. And I do not know what to do.
Today he had another kind of scan. The radiographer kept coming back with questions: “When did Ray damage his back, when did he break his ribs, when did he break his hip, when did he break his pelvis, did he break it in two places or one?” I felt as if I had brought in an accident victim or a broken old man. It made me feel guilty, as if there was something I could have done about it all, like taking better care of him or something.
Maybe I should call an ambulance every time he falls but how can I tell when he needs an ambulance and when it is okay for us to assist him up if he can’t tell me if he is in pain or not? I don’t want to keep sending him off to hospital because I know it would not be long before a gerontologist or a specialist of some sort told me I couldn’t take him home because he is beyond living at home now.
I am not a burnt-out carer I am a worried wife. I have a husband who has so many things wrong with him now that it is difficult to sort out what is the dementia, what is the diabetes, what is the fall damage etc. Ray says his little toe is on fire, that it makes his leg shake, that his backache is so bad it is worse than what anybody else has experienced. BUT when he sees the doctor it is all fine and okay, yes, he has had pain but it is not that bad.
I don’t care if we never go to another specialist, or have another x-ray, or see inside another pharmacy. I want a fairy godmother with a nice 2010 version of the magic wand to flick that down, say the magic words and MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!
And then Mum has had maybe a couple more TIAs in the past month and so is sleepy again and not responding to my visits and I feel down about that too as I love her and want her to have a peaceful decline and death rather than so many little strokes. She is a survivor though, in so many ways, a really tough little person.
But there are also ups, for me at least. On Tuesday night my Lions Club honored me by making me “Lion of the Year”. I say it is because of me looking after one (sick) Lion all these years, they said it is because I fulfill the Lions Club ethics and ideals. Either way it was so wonderful to get the award. I was puzzling out who this nice person the President was speaking about was and then he said “awarded to Lion Sue Wilkinson” and I was so amazed I was speechless and my dinner neighbour had to prod me and say: “Up you go then” to get me to walk up and receive the plaque.
I sent out some very excited emails as soon as I got home from the dinner and I am still getting congratulatory messages about that and the Bishop’s Certificate and it is really good to have some positive news to tell instead of all the negative new that is part of our present journey.
Sometimes it feels as if the good times come at a price. And I can understand why people cherish those quiet, dull, ordinary days when nothing much happens either good or bad and life just goes on. Because I value them to and hope we come to another pleasant plateau like that soon.
I have just spoken to John, the stroke survivor who runs Ray's Scallywags group to tell him of Ray's condition. He said he will be sad if Ray can't come for a while as he knows how much Ray enjoys this group. But if he can't come for a few months that is okay too, to give it time and see how it goes. Falls and other complications do cause members to drop out and that is an inevitable part of life. I just hope that this set-back is a temporary one for Ray.
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