turning points
From time to time we reach some sort of turning point and I realise that something that was once easy for us to do as a couple is no longer possible. I guess with spring now approaching and seeing summer ahead with all it’s enticements I am again listing what Ray and I can do and what we can’t do. And I sit here mourning the losses and sighing with relief that some things are still possible.
The Apex40 Club we belong to is going on it’s three day excursion at the end of this month to an area close to where Ray was brought up on the Hawkesbury River. Prior to his strokes Ray would have been the one insisting on a boat for a river trip, getting the rods ready for the fishing and sorting out the camping gear. Now we are not going at all. Too difficult now for us to go camping, not much better in a cabin without the proper disabled access,definitely not good running the wheelchair over uneven ground, up and down river banks etc. There are so many reasons why we are not going. And it is so sad that this so close-to-home experience is not accessible now.
I am not sure we will be doing much in the way of going to the beach, enjoying evenings out, sitting under the stars at the end of a BBQ with friends etc this summer. Ray is very much like your average 80 year old now, fond of his own home, his own bed, his own routine. At 67 that is not so good for him and for me at 63 even worse. I still want to swim, walk, drive, holiday, explore new things. I still want to be surrounded with laughter and good humor and have some fun! It is too early for me to take out my teeth and put them into a cup at night, I am not ready for that yet.
So do I get morose and full of self-pity or what do I do? Well, eleven years of caring and counting I have done a lot of “giving up” so I should be good at it. I have done a lot of adapting to circumstances, putting Ray’s needs first and finding a “new normal”, but that doesn’t mean I am happy about it. So thinking local and shorter expeditions is probably the way to go. We can still enjoy summer, we just need to put some planning into how much we can do and do it in the mornings when Ray is fresh and more alert.
So our “days out” will mean a trip to one of the beaches or lakes nearby, a walk along the shoreline pushing the wheelchair, a cup of coffee instead of a picnic. Our evening entertainment will be a BBQ with family in the backyard rather than a night out, with Ray having access to his own bed when he wants to go there. And maybe I will catch up on those girlfriends when I can have Ray in care for a few days. Okay, it is not the high life, but it is a life.
Give a thought to the long term caregiver, the marathon runner of the caring business who battles the seasons and the elements to keep themselves and their care recipient sane and in good heart. It is not an easy job and if you can lighten the load in any way please do so. Because we are survivors or caregivers ourselves does not mean we can be oblivious to the needs of those around us.
Here we smile at the other caregiver who pushes a wheelchair past us, acknowledging we are part of the same kinship group. I open doors if I can or offer to take a trolley back to the bay for someone older than me who is struggling. I need to feel as if I am lightening the load for someone else in addition to dealing with my own load as well as I can.
So if you are changing from summer to winter or winter to summer you need to take a while to look at the season ahead and see what you need to do to make the time ahead easier on yourself and better for the person you care for. It is the planning now that will make the time ahead easier to deal with. And although we will never have it easy, easier is better.
We talked about some of this in chat tonight and probably will some more in weeks ahead. A few different opinions, some handy hints and help sorting things out make life much more do-able. Just as many hands make light work so many opinions give you a range of options to work with.
There is a lot of life ahead for Ray and I still and we both need to be able to enjoy it. If I make myself a martyr that will not work out well for Ray either. So hopefully I can gain his co-operation too as I plan for spring and summer. I want summer 2010/2011 to be a good one for us.
We may sit on the beach but putting our heads in the sand is not an option. The caring ostrich needs to keep the head up and the eyes looking ahead.
5 Comments
Recommended Comments