ksmith

So many people forget the true meaning of Memorial Day and just see it as a day off. The older I get, the more appreciative i am about all of what was given and subsequently taken to give us freedom. Thank you

I know. ..I know... Let it go... it's the past. Well easier said than done. Everyday is a new day to me and they blend together. I understand now how hard it is to let go. Most things I have but some are buried in my soul. Yes as you might have guessed It I'm back at my ex's but only for 3 days a week and every job after that I go a day less. He is my son and I'm trying to teach him to be a 13 while his father is still wanting him to be a little kid. It's frustrating. But the real issue is I know my perception of my recovery and his were different and I think watching him talk about girlfriend ( she's super cool.. better to always have a good relationship with the new person in son's life) and her invisible issues and making it out like she is in worse shape than me. .. Again have we met? I know I have to stop and let it go but like I said being here and every day blending into each other I can't tell that time has past.. get me It can be annoying talking about this all the time but to me it's a new ordeal every time.. what a bother

I absolutely think you are a sweet as honey xxooxx

Well today officially starts the first day of the sale of beach tags for the summer beach season. Good thing my father is the beach director but no deals or sales.. oh well at least I'm starting not to be so self conscious because I started to listen to my parents again as they fill in my 'lost gaps' of memory. Pretty scary stuff from their perspective. As with most everything I hear about my past sounds like a movie or story I would find in a library. So I went to a small business expo in South Jersey and THOUGHT I made a connection with a certain someone but I'm not sure if it's the stroke or something else that caused a lost connection. My self confidence in dating is way low for the stroke problems are always on my mind. Then I go back to Katrina ( cagesbird) and her success with dating and since she is a strong woman, I can take tip from her journey, I know that I don't have a rush on dating. Just wanted to make sure I'm still a girl.. ya know

you always know what to say to make all the sense.. thank you my inner conscious

I completely adore you

So.. i have been coming to my ex husband's house helping out with our son. I love spending time with my son BUT enough is enough. Time is blending together. I know I have to leave because WE ARE DIVORCED. I loved helping him but I can't even tell you what year we divorced for I'm always here and it's blending together. It's like we're still married. But last night just [pushed me over the edge. I say to my ex: " your girlfriend has offered to help out in the mornings with our son' and his response floored me.. ( granted she has Transverse myelitis which causes her at times to have pain and difficulty moving) he said : ' She has days which she can't get out of bed' to which i I gave him a WTF look... really?'Oh but on your 'bad' day you're still better than she is' I'm sorry have we met? Have I not been dealing with dizziness and nausea and all for the past 7 years.I'm beginning to have negative feelings for my ex. I can't handle negative feelings. Our son is very responsible. He has a phone and a key. After school he can walk home ( less than the 25 yds) and lock the doors and be alone for 25 minutes till his dad comes home. The problem is his dad is a 'What if' person. Going through cognitive therapy i've learned not to think that way... "Well you being up here is saving you on bills " THAT'S NOT THE POINT. wow electric bill down 10 dollars.. I just want to scream. My fear is he is due to get laid off very soon ( normal part of Union life IBEW) and there is a chance he could be transferred to a new job. I made it clear this job....after THIS job I'm cutting back to three days a week then off for good. I told him i don't want to even offer is all else fails for he won't even ask anyone. He states he doesn't like to rely on people.. *ahem* I can't eat the foods I want for I can store them all here and I'm not going to . I'm stressed and no working out for I'm exhausted. I'm gaining weight again and just fed up!!

****update***** his new girlfriend and I went out to lunch yesterday and it was absolutely a wonderful time. She and I share many of the similar health problems with neurological issues. She was diagnosed with transverse myelitis which is inflammation of the spinal cord and brain lesions. It's helpful for her that he did a crash course with invisible effects with me and she deserves someone with a kind heart like (my ex) him. SHe agrees that I need to start a new life in distance, not in anger, but she gets it for she is divorced to. So I'm less upset with distancing myself along with your responses. <3

So i finally had it up there moment. I've never be through this nor have most of the people in my family. So.. I've been coming to my ex husbands to help with our son with school transportation and to fill the gaps that ex is gone for work in mornings. OK so here's my beef:: I enjoy being up with my son, don't get me wrong but , I'm in my old house and with my stroke brain I have no concept of time so even though we have been divorced for 2 years, i'm always here. I told him I need to have my own time for we are two different people now, Yes he is my son, almost 13 now . and yes I feel responsible for him which I'm not cutting him out of my life but.. What if I worked? He would have to fine someone to watch our son. Just because I don't work doesn't mean i can be used at your beckon call. AM I WRONG? He believes it's because I want to date and go out.. if so what business is it of his? Frankly I just want to learn to do it on my own. I was happy with helping my ex out but its so sporadic. I need that separation. I'm only 30 minutes away and I'm still going to see my son and still come up to help, just not as much. sorry this made no sense im venting and can't think in a straight line

you summed it up beautifully

I was completely in awed by that. It is some of the similar thoughts survivors have as well. It showed her raw emotions as survivors, we tend to forget that our loved ones are going through their own spirals. Thank you for sharing this.

Sue and Asha, you are mine as well. This post was just as if I were writing in a diary and as pathetic as it sounded, thanks.

It struck me how Katrina was a part of my psyche. I was heading back to my sons house when I became overwhelmed with the thoughts of dating again. How we were predisposed to many ideals of how 'Beauty makes you happy" I admit that for most of my life I've suffered from Body Dysmorphia. I've seen doctors and been in and out of therapists offices for years to no avail.But that's neither here nor there... ANYWAY I gained a bunch of weight but have lost some and now upset that the person who i meet in the future will except all my baggage. I know that sometimes I give off the vibe of self-esteem but not really.The more upset I get I think of Katrina and her experiences in the dating world and she truly is my inspiration in my quest. I'm just scared. Right now with the up and down to ex-husbands is the main reason I can't make plans but it is to be with my son. (Not like I have plans) But i'm enjoying the time he, my son, is young for my older son i had to work and missed a lot but we can't turn back time. I'm jealous of my mother, which sounds so petty. She had the gastric Band done and has lost a bunch of weight. True she is 62 and has been struggling with it for YEARS. I know she is happy and has more energy but it makes me gutted when she says,' Come walk with me or ride your bike' Yes I would love to but there are many days which I can't get out of bed and the medicines I'm on. Not to mention the brain damage that causes my brain and stomach to not be on the same page. I can go hours and not eat for I'm truly not hungry so my body turns to starvation mode and holds on to everything I eat. My father suggested to drink at least a protein shake to make up for the calories. Well, that is a liquid diet and of course is you'll lose weight but once you eat.. BAM. weight back on. I am going through all of these emotions for my ex-husband is dating ( I'm truly happy..honest) but I'm always around him so I can't enjoy my time. I know I will once my son gets to be older. It might be winter blues...UGH.. just venting. So Back to Katrina: I often say that each and every one of you help me in some way and she is my guiding light in this. Her stories, triumphs and not so happy endings, help me in my future endeavors and I'm learning to be a brave and courageous as she.

I believe sometimes you have to be selfish , especially after a stroke.

hi guys. I'm having a difficult time with something and am asking for help.. It comes down to it,, I truly need help understanding how a person with a stroke feels.. inside. 'But Kelli, you had a stroke?'.. yes but I was given the chance to lose that. Either a blessing or a curse that caused me to lose the memory of my life prior to this unfortunate event and that makes it difficult to understand the grieving process. I know I went through the process but i can't remember my steps. I can read my previous blog postings and truly have no thoughts or emotional understanding. It's so hard to try to explain what that is like so I'll try my best for some memories stick and some float away like water. It's odd looking at pictures and not recognizing your own mother. She had darker hair ( older picture) and because she didn't look like she does now, I had no tucked away memory of her. She was in the picture with my twin sister at her wedding, which I was in, and my sister looks the same and she wasn't hard to spot. I understand people and things change over time and when you have the memory strand in your mind,following the progression of time is easy. Much like when I was married and would tell my then husband i felt out of place and I'm filling in someone else's shoes. The strange thing was it was my own shoes from another life. That was hard for many people to understand for you can't 'see' memory differences.. Heck it's hard for me to grasp. My happiness comes from living in the moment. That is the basis of Buddhism and I'm certain is what drew me to the practice. But the thing that is the kicker is I have no other place to live but now. This is all I know, The way I see life, bouncing and through 'pink lenses', is for me the only way I see life and I have no other way to exist. This is often taken as acceptance and if so what a great thing but to me it's just life. The thought of my stroke is so far in the past of my mind, much like this morning for that matter , though i can recall the events of my stroke for that first part of the event was the last solid memory that was cemented to my psyche. I've been though Cognitive Therapy, Family Counseling , Couple Therapy and they have taught me that some memories are deep down emotions. Well you would think the birth of my two boys was there but when I think of that, it's like recalling a movie scene. You have no attachment to the scene but you know it as if your favorite movie. i know I've written about much about this before but it's therapy for me to write it out. Oh and part of my Aphasia causes me to not have com-plete sentences or going around in circles. Sorry if that happened. Smitty

i believe the false hope was spot on from me

OK. So I needed to talk My ex-husband finally said he has a girlfriend. I should be happy for him and I am but.. he and i are great friends yes but he is the ONLY man in my life I know of because my life basically started after my stroke. But why do I care? I guess it's the fear of feeling being damaged. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes.. I often say to people the shouldn't feel that way and now I'm the one telling ya'll that. I know realize i was in denial. What he doesn't understand, 1. I'm over at his house 2. The way we kid around is what we were like before the divorce. Nothing physical but that is all i knew from him. I must sound like a dunce.. but i had to vent

It's strange how that normally works out but I'm glad .. guess you'll just have to make a trip to the Jersey shore lol

No I'm Leaving... lol I obtained my LLC and the beginning of my dream, but at a snail's pace, of starting a blog that tells the story of my recovery and challenges of regaining that spark again. It has been a challenge for me and many others finding 'ourselves' after a stroke. Unfortunately there aren't many women willing to talk so candidly about this subject and ya'll know me.. I'll talk about anything and everything with anyone for most times, these are the questions many people have but are unwilling to talk about for embarrassment,shame or whatever and I'm the loudmouth to do the job. Just happy to get the conversation started

and update: After ate I felt better

Love your sent positive energy

I do hear from him and we are great friends but that ship has sailed for us. Since my stroke, the person I know I am isn't the same person who he fell in love with and visa versa.. ( i hope that makes sense)

I just wanted to bury my head under my pillow this morning. Rain , rain, rain all day. I try to be in a positive mood and most days I truly am. But today all i want to scream out my window is F**K my stroke F**K my eye sight F**K being happy I just want to go back to bed. I think I'm going through Christmas Burnout. I think because this is the FIRST Christmas I'm spending alone until my son comes down at noon with my ex husband. I'm ranting,, I'm sure after a shower and food I'll be happier.....