ksmith

HAHAHA she was!!!

I was reading Katrina's post about how she may say somethings and it is interpreted as mean or off. That hit me like a ton of bricks. That so explains the story of my life. I've noticed that my husband is more gentle than I am so when I react or speak, he takes it as the correct way I'm trying to convey my thoughts or feelings. I told him I'm a walking contradiction. Don't say this to me but understand that I'm always not meaning this when I say that. I'm sure he is walking on eggshells. I have apologized before but because I 'look' normal, I should have better control over my emotions. I'm just ranting here. I feel bad about things I say and do but my emotions are so raw and I say or do what I mean and that doesn't mean I don't appreciate everything he's done. I've told him to come onto this site and talk with other caregivers to better understand. he was raised if you have a problem, you deal with it yourself. This 'stroke' concept is foreign to his family. Like I should have been fixed by now. You do all your therapies and such for you to get better. I've shared with him many times that this not affected me but the family as a whole. I guess some people are just raised with a way to be and deal with things. Stinks when you come from a medical background and family and you understand stroke as personal as well as professional.

Ok. So as some of you know after stroke , you may have had some OCD tendencies. Well, I have and boy is it a pain. as some of you know relationships and marriage a part of that is closeness. Well tonight while doing the dinner dishes my husband wanted to give me a kiss. Before the stroke,not a big deal to have a distraction but this time it wasn't as easy as that. I get a physical pain when I have to stop what I'm doing. A chest pain. A stomach ache. I know I must be hypocritical to him because I want him close to me and when he does sometimes I push him away to do something that is important to me at that time. It's hard not to say,'don't take it personal'. For the longest time the stroke was something I had to deal with. I think it was because it's hard to understand something that you don't know a lot about on top of not showing 'stroke'. It struck me today while baking cookies ( i was in a mood) and listening to 'This American Life' on NPR radio and they were talking about the vets coming home and dealing with PTSD.((Post traumatic Stress Disorder)) I was diagnosed with PTSD after my abusive relationship with my ex husband and I was after my stroke. The show was about how the vets get such a bad wrap for going through so many emotions after service. I realized my OCD and PTSD have some of the same symptoms. You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships. Suddenly become angry or irritable. Have a hard time sleeping. Have trouble concentrating. Fear for your safety and always feel on guard. Be very startled when someone surprises you OCD Obsessive thoughts Fear of dirt or germs or overconcern about body smells/secretions or the proper functioning of the body Overconcern with order, neatness, and exactness Fear of thinking bad thoughts or doing something embarrassing Constantly thinking of certain sounds, words, or numbers, or a preoccupation with counting or checking Constant need for approval or the need to apologize Fear that something terrible will happen or fear of harming yourself or someone else They're not cut an dry a like but some of the same feeling are the same. I do meditate, acupuncture and they help. I've tried to explain my thought process but its hard

Hi so I'm having a but of a problem I've asked around to get a general census . I have to cut back on my therapy because It costs to much. I have been going to therapy for about 4.5 years for one thing or another. This is for my visual therapy. My husbands insurance is very good but I see their point of its been almost 5 years and no change to diagnosis other then the use of prisms so each visit is $150. for therapy.. every week plus bus fare. I had to pay this before because when the union had Amerihealth, that wasn't taken by the doctor. When I was going up to New York it was $100 a visit plus expenses. ( BUT that was a lot of daddy/daughter days ) My doctor in New York City, sold me a computer program that was basically what I'm doing now.He could monitor from up there. My doctor now has a similar program but he cant remotely check in. I hate talking about money for I have read and felt the dissatisfaction from many people who either can't go due to money/insurance. I'm sorry to sound Pompous . I talked this over with my psychologist and I have to keep telling myself i'm not resigning to how things are .. But why do i feel so defeated? I should and am blessed and humbled by what recovery I have accomplished so far. Like many people on here know, we beat the odds. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

thanks ya'll ))

I know it has been a while since I posted anything. I just wanted to talk about the data I had yesterday. I met two very interesting people in my therapy session The First one was a young man. He had open heart surgery which resulted in a stroke while under Anesthesia. So imagine waking up after a simple routine procedure to only be told you had a stroke. He had to get re opened and remain that way for almost a week and in hospital for almost 3 months. He looks fantastic and I'd never know he had a stroke until I spoke to his wife in the waiting room of my therapist. I explained about this site and how we all understand and the vast information that Steve and everyone over the years has contributed. A father of 4 children, 3 are in college and one that is 7, his wife is stressed. I explained how we have a caregiver support group and information. Secondly, I met a young woman who was hit by a car and suffered right side head trauma which had resulted in left side deficits. Imagine, just walking across the street and BAM. She wan't as social for she was angry. who could blame her. I informed her and her mother of the TBI fund that would and could help them out. Thank goodness, the mother already started to consult with someone there for the insurance wasn't a big help and the driver insurance is being dealt with in court. I say it's a pretty cut and dry case to me. But hey what do I know. The only reason I was able to speak to these folks was my bus service had me wait almost 2 hours after my appointment to be picked up. Normally the trip home is roughly 2 hours and from the doctors to home was 4 hours. Why not sure but I was able to meet fantastic people. My driver and I had a great talk after everyone else left the bus. He has a friend in Texas who suffered a stroke a few months back. He has a terrible time speaking for his whole left side is paralyzed on top of Aphasia. He asked about the different kinds of stroke for he didn't know there were more than 'stroke' and about the different kinds of Aphasia. Long day but good people.

((in a nutshell)) hi guys. Well here is my predicament i'm not proud to say that before my stroke, I had an affair on my husband. The dilemma is I have no memory of that nor a good hunk of my life. We are in counseling for this as well as cognitive and we been working on rebuilding trust. I own my part in this but this is my question: My therapist even agrees that something had to push me to that point, Which in fact it did. According to my best friend and also my own sister saw, they both noticed that after we had our youngest son,his zest for life and having a relationship of doing things stopped. He feels that after having a baby, life focuses only on the children. True, putting your children first is what a family does but you can't let your marriage take a backseat. After a while you find you have nothing in common. My husband understanding what a stroke is, granted he has been there since day one but he also said that one day I'm going to continue therapies and be back to normal. Dissolution.. maybe or wishful thinking. I've also come to realize that his brother has a great deal of traits of a narcissist. The tension with he and I not able to sit in the same room with his brother I'm sure is pouring gasoline on the fire. I have a hard time with my 'filter' . I guess I'm just going round in circles but I needed to get this off my chest. My affair was 4.5 years ago and I have no memory of that, our marriage, my children being young, my childhood. I could go on. Am i being to demanding on him?? I need to know. Don 't be shy,, call it like it is. I respect honesty. I need an outside party view point on this.

Thursday, I traveled to a doctors appointment on Access Link. What that is,is a public transportation geared towards the disabled and elderly. It was defined in the law of the Disability Act that areas that have public transportation, to have a service that follows the transit line, with fare, for those who can't do it unassisted. With that out of the way The gentleman that was my returning driver to my drop off and I had about 1 1/2 hours to chat. Traffic was a bear. We bonded due to the fact that he is a retired Union Labor Worker and my husband is a Union Electrician. Oddly, he and my husband worked many jobs together but didn't know each other. We chatted and he apologized for having to take a brake on the side of the road to stretch out his bum knee. Of course I understood for I get spasms in mine leg. Time passed as he started to yawn. I asked him if he had a long day to which he replied "Very". I told him I hope he get rest soon. He looked as if he was going to cry. He said his wife 'over did it on her meds' She has some neurological pain disorder, I mentioned to him I have to lay out my meds , not that I can't take myself rather so I don't forget some. He then took a deep breath and told me that she attempted suicide last night. My heart sunk. He was at a total loss and said he just needed to talk to someone. I was honored he was opening up to me. I explained my situation. He was shocked. But when I started to explain the emotional depression not only myself but many survivors go through, he was stunned for his wife would say and do some of the same things. He explained to me that she was never a depressed person before all this started. I shared with him that just because you can't see the pain, doesn't always mean its not there. I shared that I would start fights with my husband in the beginning of my recovery to make him leave. Not that I didn't want him there rather to give him an easy out of my situation. I wanted him to have a good life and have the burden to care for me. His eyes opened wide and said his wife does the same things, I also told him that my therapist and friends on my stroke support told me he wouldn't be there if he didn't want to. He told me he met his wife in high school and have been married for about 40 years. He would walk on water for her. He felt so guilty for causing his wife to attempt this. I told him that in NO way is this his fault. She was , in her way trying to spare him of grief as well as dealing with the pain. He agrees that she needs to be in an in patient facility. Many more things were discussed but the moral of this is that we, as survivors, are thinking we maybe trying to help out our partner, when in fact we are tearing them to pieces. So take into consideration the next time you get angry at your caregiver for not doing exactly what you wanted,think of how they must feel about not being able to do anything to make it better.

I will have to understand that better

Hi Katrina. I know we were able to speak a little bit last night, the only person that you should have in your life that controls your feelings should be you. I understand living paycheck to paycheck is hard. My best friend is the single mother of two boys, and she does all of the financial stability by herself. And you're right it's not easy she struggles every single day. Like you she is a very intelligent woman and I know she has gone through some of the same struggles. You can't let the availability of your two friends dictate your happiness. We all get depressed every now and then, I myself am going through a spell at this time. I understand for you it's hard because unlike some the people that were on chat last night, you don't have a significant other to share the burden. That doesn't mean that we don't understand. If we ever have a chance to talk can I'm going to let you know that you are not alone and maybe we can work together on our depression. You are the most positive person I know and a very wise woman, so I know that you make the right decisions.

Sue those are well spoken and truly things that can help. Thank you for that

owdy friends, At this time I may not be on so much and I apologize. My husband wanted to spend his time at his parents. When you know someones ticket has already been clicked.. you working on time schedule. He has seen gone back to work and I can't drive so i can be here more often. That being said::::: I need help with my personal picture. I truthfully needing ways to boost up self esteem when you have always been told How you act or do is being judged for..... I know I need no to be judged but unfortunately you do and yes Im in cognitive therapy for that but I need to hear from other people like me

amen