ksmith

I know I sound like a broken record but I have always felt like I have not belonged. Like Im trying to fill in for a "kelli". Filling in ones shoes Im not sure. Being your ourn you start your own memories yes but having people knowing you and not quite understanding that you are a new you is difficult, thats all

OK you have heard from me and others how this is the new you and love it. I've tried explain this to some with conflicting responses.My mother has told me to except the new me. This is my problem.. This IS the only me I know. All of my memories of me before this are gone. I can remember things happening such as seeing pictures but not of personal experiences. You know how when you see your baby for the first time, well I don't. Having my son here, who is 17, made it more painful. I have NO memories of my own son. I told him 'I love you" when we were at the airport and it was much like telling a stranger those words . I had to come to the realization of my turning 37.. It sounds petty or vain in some ways but I truly don't remember the first 37 years. My husband, my children. Many of the stories I've heard are of memory issues after the stroke. I have those too. Like the movie '50 first Dates' I laugh about it and say things in jest but the fact of the matter is I am having a hard time with this. People tell me all the time how I was and that sounds fun, I truly am humbled about other stories I've heard over the course of my time here, I love it here, I feel at home with my own 'peeps' Many people have told me to make new memories.. Yes I agree but I want the ones of my family and friends. It's so hard to explain to some family for If you haven't experienced you can't relate. Trying to relate ones stroke is rather difficult. My family is all in the medical field but i don't see them a lot. *sigh* you guest the problems are stemming from my in laws. But that's neither here nor there. Having a brain stem stroke effects people in different ways, I understand just tired... stressed....Just have so much in my head and can't retrieve it to put into words.. --

Brilliant

:notfair:So where do begin. I've experienced many other people emotional woes. My husband comes home from work and I know he is physically exhausted. But at the same times, I need to go out to the store and since i can't drive he has to. I have to make lists for the store and I know out of his exhaustion,he'd rather go alone. I understand that but what about me, I would be one thing if I could jump in the car and go for him but no, Maybe one day, I have to stay optimistic. I apologize for the rant but little things as meat that was in the freezer, unbeknowst to me, we in the fridge so I put them back in the freezer. WELL... I should have know better you don't do that..I know that honest, I know I'm not stupid or dumb but when there is cognitive issues it sure feels that way. He is burned out, Tired. Stressed. I understand but I'm super sensitive anymore. To get out of the house is a luxury. Then I think of people who can't and I'm saddened by that. I'm still in confusion about my stroke. When you have NO memory of me before to try to remember who easy things were or a comparative to now is impossible.. I"m just so bummed :notfair:

I understand about the leaving the house. My husband works and when he comes home I want to go out and he wants to rest. Listen. work may or may not be the way it was before but oh well.. There is not sense getting yourself worries about that. You have no control of it. C'est la vie Live now. Dont paint.rest your eyes and chillax....:friends: :friends:

good lord You have one thing after another hitting you. As for a relationship I commend you. Some people usually leave after a stroke. I know for me, and I'm married,I aways felt that I would be a burden and my husband and he deserved so much more. But he married me not my stroke. He MAY be worried that your feelings for him may diminish after time. Self-esteem is really put to the test after something such as this.Don't let his sister intimidate you for she only sees her brother and not the love of someone else. Just understand that just like with recovery, approach him with things in baby steps and all will be good. good luck :You-Rock:

well so i agreed to watch my niece and nephew for the summer and not knowing it was going to be so hard. I love them but my son, who is 8, had to grow up fast to be a little 'daddy's helper' when he was at work. I have adapted to that and my sisters children are 'normal' kids who run around and play. But that week had then was to much. Always having to correct them and clean up after them was to much. I love having them here but for small doses. My sister explains to mew that she understands that I can't but doesn't understand why I didn't call upon our mom ( mom-mom) to help out. I didn't see a change in me but my husband and family saw I run down and slurring a lot. They're only concerned about my health..and for that I thank them. My father,who i swear lives in my head,got the feeling that my sister and brother in law were more upset that they were going to be 'locked-down' with the kids. The way my sister was talking was it was costing her to much to come down here every week so it would've been better if they stayed down here. Ah,,, no way. I could have caused myself to have another stroke.Ria nailed it on the head with the Catholic school guilt. Having a conscience and guilt is hard post stroke lol. I have to learn to do me and just because it doesn't make them happy, isn't always a bad thing, I have to do me regardless. They can find new jobs but i can only have one life. I'm not the same person as before. I can't watch all the kids and have parties for them and take them to the park or beach and jump around. She says she knows that but at the end of the day..she has to get over it. I'll always be her sister The deal at first was I'd watch the kids and once every two weeks she'd take my to NYc for my therapy. well she wasn't even doing that. He husband just needs to get a real paying job and support his family. not place all the burdens on me

Bravo and well said

I have been reading more on the Dali Lama myself and I agree with you and him. There is truly a reason why you are here. You are here as a vessel to share all the good karma with

Millville NJ Cumberland co.

all of the folks from Jersey can post here

I have to agree. I lock the doors for I know I cant react fast as I once did. Either he knocks or has the other key

I left a great job after my stroke and am living with my SSID as well as my husbands pay. Its tight but I get so worked up by noises at home I could imagine working. I'm glad I can rest.

Well today started out OK. Rode my bike outside for about 5 miles which for me is great!! Rode to the store near me for I had a dinner in my head I had to try. It was tough but it felt so good to be out and farther then I'd been in a while. A cool breeze and it finally broke out of the 90's today. Perfect. So around 4:45 my husband came home in a hurry. OK let's back up and I wrote him a note last night. I express myself clearer in words anymore then speaking.I basically feel like I'm being punished for something that I'm not sure what. Sp the past few years are a blur and I cant remember him and I as we once were. So I expressed that in the note. Ok back up to speed. He came home today and we sat and I cried and talked. He thought it was a dear John letter. No. Just I can only be totally honest and it may sound a little rough. (shrugs) Anyway we are going to try to "start over" in our feelings.That is the way I can learn about him. I know I love him and we are married but I have lost my memories of it all. He also stated that the weight gain isn't the reason why he is distant, I know that he works and carries the weight of the world. He feels that my heart will give out because of the weight, It's not the things I'm eating. I eat little to no salt ( in foods or on)hardly fat. Its the medicine and he knows it, It, to me, was just another excuse, I know he loves me. I know that I'm totally in love with him but damn, a girl needs loving too. I don't feel that I was wrong in my note just I wish I did this earlier. Sometimes we have to just be honest. One thing he told me that made me feel better, in a weird way was IF I should pass, he'd never re-marry to have a mother for my children. I felt honored or it was just said to make me feel better LOL Another thing that makes me feel like dog poo is my oldest son wants to come on holiday with us but we just dont have the extra money. With only one working money is tight. I need not explain. He is still mad at him for leaving after my stroke and not being here to help with me or is brother. He was 15 and I look at me at that age and he is a saint compared to me. He calls to ask for money and that bothers me. But again, now he is 17 and still in that age of ' Everything is about me' I get that,, my amily gets that. Him not so much. Him being close to his mom, I can see why that would make him mad. me? I know he'll grow out of it.. I did.

boy you nailed it on the nose there...

I love it and thank you

Well the day finally happened. The day my husband said he can't disassociate the 'new' me from the 'old' me. That was my fear. I still have no memory of me before and told him I always felt like I was being punished for something I didn't do. He likes the new me better. Frankly I feel happier. Not sure what to do. I'm sure that is his hangup. We're still happy but we were out to dinner last night ( PS when my husband cooks we always go out... I love when he cooks lol) and my son got a free helping of cherries. ( My husband cousin owns the place) and I was telling our son that these were like the cherries my mother in law uses for her pies. Well , My husband snapped at me for trying to One up him or out do him. I was stunned. I simply told him that I was trying to tell our son that for he likes grandmas stuff better. He then told me that a few things I've said over the course of a few weeks was similar to what I would have said before. I had a blank look for a truly can't remember myself at all. The doctors think that the pressure of swelling in my head caused damage to my frontal Lobe which helps with the memory.But that's not here nor there.. I try to think of my past and wish I could go back and re do them but it's like a blank page. I have suggested for him to go to therapy with me or even go on here but he hesitates. Not sure if he's in denial or I am for the lack of memory or both,I'm so confused