ksmith

thank you guys. I really needed that. Love you all

it has been a while since I've been in here but I feel the need to ask for help. I have been having some emotional problems. I need therapy but with the lack of transportation,, well you get the drift. I am becoming so sensitive to people and tones of voices. My brother-in-law and I have always bumped heads. It started with the birth of my youngest son. We got married just a month before we gave birth. My health insurance still had my maiden name on it so when I had my son and was just waking up from my c-section, he came storming into the room because he saw 'Baby Garrison' and not 'Baby Smith' There wasn't enough time for me to get on the insurance yet. "My brothers last name isn't good enough for you?" was basically what he was shouting. I was strong minded and strong willed and not afraid to stand up for my rights but then I hadn't even seen my son for he was still in PICU for I was very sick during my pregnancy as well as having emergency surgery. I had to call my husband to come from work to the hospital. ( I was in there for a few days) So he came up and I didn't bring it up again. Fast forward to a few days ago.. his attitude has always been a problem with me and he and I always but heads though we both love each other. After my stroke, people can see a change in my personality though I can't. I'm calmer and more sensitive. I agreed to watch my niece and nephew for the summer and would get paid each week for a favor of transportation to New York. I got my butt handed to me because I was the reason that we are in debt. For the past 5 years, I've caused our family to spiral down. Not the fact that my husband hasn't worked due to Union Lay offs or the fact I had a stroke and can't work now, I had to get up from the table and break down and cry, He has seen me break down and doesn't even acknowledge the fact he got me upset and my husband, his brother, doesn't really see anything wrong for that's him and he's always been that way... blah blah blah I have decided not to go over to the parents house anymore for Sunday night dinners for I don't want to fight. My husband told him not to talk to me but that is just as ignorant as if he was yelling at me. I have to pick and chose my battles and I have enough going on for my plate. Am I wrong for not going? I just feel that like others have said, I've gotten on the roller coaster of emotions and normally I'm ok.?!?!?!?!

people pay big money for a dog who is a great as him. he must love you a lot

so today is a "MS" kind of day. Meaning my brain and body don't work together. That has caused some of a headache for me because I feel as if I'm letting my husband down. I know he is under stress and working that makes him tired but still it bothers me. I can't shake that feelings. I'm not like his mother and he knows that and loves me for that but she was a subservient person who never worked to stay home a run a family. I know she didn't go through a stroke but I feel I need to be handling things better then what I am. I have days that I can clean and make a good meal and all is good. But as you all know I have days, as you do, that you can't even get off the couch. Well today is that day. " you know how you can help me?" he always says to me with a lovingly smile, " get better". he is a wonderful man. I have no bad things to ever say about him. I just wish he knew, which I know he does, how much I appreciate him.

Lydia I told you we were twins seperated at birth

I Think it makes sense in having him paid for that, I'd say do it because It really is costly. I wish you luck in getting all the paper work done

Well I'm having a hard time excepting what happened. I'm meeting with my parents on Wednesday so maybe we can work this out. They are two of my best friends. I know that I should look at my short term memory as a blessing but I don't. It scares me to not remember anything of my life before this. My kids young, growing up... all gone. I asked my husband not to compare me to how I was for I cant remember. This is the new me and i have to embrace it. I go round in circles with this. It's like I have the tools in front of me and not really know what to do with them. I lack the ability in seeing the big picture. Like, I know I had a stroke. But it's hard for my brain and heart to except it. It's a lot like saying the grass is green is like me saying I've had a stroke. I hope this makes sense in my rambling. For example I see my weight as a hinder but that came as a result of my stroke. But I cant seem to grasp that. People say to me pray to god or let go let god and that's not going to cut it for me. I believe in god but I've tried that and nothing. It may take time but I've always had trouble with low self esteem. I have Body dis morphia.* It makes it hard. It stemed from my ex usband and he was abusive to me. I want to go to a doctor about this but it cost a lot of money for she is out of network. I am waiting until my law suit if over before I can do this. I know that my husband said before this I was obsessed in trying to be perfecf and now I dont know what is my new ok. I know he is supportive in this but im sure he's tired of hearing me put myself down or appologize about being tired . I just am feeling like im going around in circles. *Body dysmorphic disorder From Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaBody dysmorphic disorder (BDD) (previously known as dysmorphophobia[1] is sometimes referred to as body dysmorphia or dysmorphic syndrome[2]) is a (psychological) somatoform disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features (body image). The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of severe depression and anxiety, development of other anxiety disorders, social withdrawal or complete social isolation, and more.[3] It is estimated that 1–2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD (Psychological Medicine, vol. 36, p. 877). The exact cause(s) of BDD differ(s) from person to person. However, most clinicians believe it could be a combination of environmental factors from their past or present. Abuse and neglect can also be contributing factors. Onset of symptoms generally occurs in adolescence or early adulthood, where most personal criticism of one's own appearance usually begins, although cases of BDD onset in children and older adults are not unknown. BDD is often misunderstood to affect mostly women, but research shows that it affects men and women

I'm not a good catholic Without thinking I put a Roast into the crock pot. I'm catholic and my husband isn't.( We didn't get married in the church) salad her I come.. I digress As many times I sit here and listening to my IPod and jamming to all kinds of music. Loud.I mean LOUD but that is one of my coping skills I do. As far back as I can think i was falling back to music to help. This may not mean anything to some but I read some blogs and blogging is a coping mechanism to but I hope that this may help some people out here. Just for the time I'm listening, all bad thoughts and realities of my situation goes away. I hope that people who happen to read this may find it helpful

as you I can relate to the fighting but one way to be stronger is don't tell yourself . Even of you are tell yourself not to believe that. The mind is a wonderful tool. think positive. love ya

this is really starting to be so cool that you are more me then .......well me lol

I get overwholed in the groceery store. I nap all the time. it's a good thing to nap. You're justified in your feeling. Are you sure we're not from the same family?

Well today is my son's 8 birthday. I feel so amazing, I baked him a cake and pancakes for breakfast. Yet I feel so bad because I don't remember my oldest sons birthday. I can't always keep on beating me down for having to work so much when he was younger. I had to. I left his father who was abusive to me to move back to New Jersey. Don't get me wrong I'm not sorry I left just merely sad that all the things I am able to do with my youngest son were not with my oldest. In time he will look back on his life, as I once did and be thankful for all the things my my and parents did for me. I was raised very independently. Which I have no regrets. I was able to learn alot of life lessons. I am in a place right now I look at my friends and think if I pursued my life differently I would have all what they have. I know life isn't based on material things. i get that....I really do. I think that I'm just going through this bump in the road as I do every time this year since the stroke. I love the summer and I miss being able to do a lot of my polysyllables as riding my bike for that long...Going to the outside bar and watching the ocean. Hanging out with friends. I know that the stroke isn't the end of my social networking, Just i get in these moods. they will pass. I think Im not good at letting them go...... they are always my babies

Lydia... this is really spooky Thanks guys for all your responses. I'm glas we're all going/gpne through this

today I find myself between a rock and a hard place. My eldest son lives in Florida with his dad who in the long run agreed to keep my son ( after 16 years but I digress lol) So he called me up asking me if I could help him financially for spring break. I have the money and he is my son. Of course I would help. Here is where the problem is... My husband. His step-father. He feels like since he is now living in Florida with his father, let him handle it. But HE IS MY SON I understand that my husband feel like he gone so be it and he is 17. get a job. This is coming from a man whose been laid off for over 10 months. Jobs are scares. There isn't much a 17 boy can get that 1000's of ther boys aren't already trying for. I'm at a cross roads. I said to him " If you ask your parents for help, they'd do it?" as to which he said 'I wouldn't ask them for money' you're mossing the point dude,, they are your parents and they would help you. Right?

lydia, you are so my twin

I haven't been ln here for a while I guess that is because the weather has gotten warmer and I'm trying ti ride my bike more. Anyway.. I'm falling into a bit of a funk for I'm trying to loss this stroke weight and I lost 50lbs before in like 3 months by riding my bike. Granted I was able to go 20 miles a day and also was pre stroke. I think that is the hardest part. My Physician also informed that some of the medicines I take also contribute to my inability to lose weight. It sounds so petty but I ballooned up to double my size.To a younger survivor it is horrible to not be able to wear all my clothes.I'm feeling not as sexy for my husband loves me we're like two roommates. I know Its dues to a lot of stress. I feel it's my weight though I know him well enough to say no. He loves me not my weight and he never makes it an issue. Never tells me I look fat. He is just glad I'm here. Which I can't blame him... I am too.I know it takes time and Ive excepted it does but its hard for me to except. Get it? I've feel Ive come full circle in my grieving process. Just as I think what it is ..is I tend to get angry all over again and crying.Not sure how to look at this.I'm just hitting some pot holes in my journey but I wish the pavers would make it better.. my chassy is taking a beating.