lydiacevedo

Thank you all of the well wishes.

Asha - if I didn't have Cookie Monster, I don't think I'd have had the courage, poststroke, to even try to tackle the things we have done in the last 4 years. Yes, Cookie helped me learn to walk again, and yes, he keeps me from tripping and helps me determine if the people we encounter during the day are people that we do or don't know. Those are some of the things he is trained to do. What no one trained him to do, but he picked up on that I needed, was bring me out of depression, give me a sense of independence, give me a reason to get up some mornings, when I would have rather stayed in bed, give me someone to take care of, give me a sense of accomplishment for training him myself, let me know that I am never alone, help me to understand that someone always "has my back.". All of that fuels my determination to chase the things I want to do and prove to myself that I can adapt, we can adapt, that my disabilities are nothing more than challenges and that I have what it takes to overcome them, or learn to manage, in spite of them. I just hope the love and care I give to him are even a small measure of what he has given me. I am honestly not sure who rescued whom, between the 2 of us. All I know is I am forever grateful for Cookie Monster.  I credit this sweet, loving, smart, eager to please dog with, in a lot ways, literally saving my life. Without him, I don't know that I'd have made it through some of the harder times we've faced.

I've been where you are, twice before stroke and once after it. I didn't learn to let go before the stroke, and surviving that didn't help me learn to let go when it was kid #3's turn to apply to college either. To make matters worse, NONE of them wanted to go to the same college as his/her brother/sister.

Rejection letters are part of the process. The top schools get so many applicants that they can't accept everyone, even the best students. I've been there too. All the kids graduated with honors and "aced" their SAT tests, scoring high. They still got lots and lots of rejection letters. I don't know who was more discouraged, them or me. Hang in there. One of those schools will offer him a place, probably more than 1. Then your biggest worry will be which school to accept placement at, and how to make sure he has everything he will need for dorm life, if he goes to a school far from home or out of state. The next 4 years will be filled with trying to learn to let go and let him be a college student.... it doesn't end. LOL the good thing is, as with life after stroke, we really do learn to handle it with less anxiety and worry..... for being a mother. Chin up, get rest while and where you can and take care of you. That's the best you can do for him at this point.

I remember when Garion, Laney and Logan went through that phase. It's one of the last parts of learning to let go as a parent and, I think, one of the hardest. Yes, you'll be relieved and happy when it is all said and done, but at the same time, you'll be saddened because if he goes away to college, he won't be in the house. And after college (those 4 years go so fast), he'll be out in the world and on his own. Just take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and take your cues from him. He'll ask for help when he needs it and he will love and respect you for letting him try to tackle this process on his own. All we, as parents, can do at this stage is keep the communication lines open, and learn to let them tell us what they need/want from us....kind of when they were babies and we had to guess what was making them upset/sick/hurt, etc. At least, at this stage of the game, they can verbalize what they need/want.

That was an awesome idea!!

Oh Dean, I am sorry about all of the child support mess. I was the custodial parent in the divorce, and think I am one of the rare few who doesn't take pain and frustrations about the relationship ending out on my former partner by putting a price tag on it. 

I also understand going back to work after the first stroke way too soon, having a second, and having to throw in the towel. It feels like you are out of control of everything, especially your own body. What I can tell you there is that is does get better and after some time, for me about a year and a half, going back to work works out, you start to feel like you have some control, purpose and worth, and your brain and body do finally adjust. It just takes (the word all stroke survivors hate to hear) time.

I hope court goes well for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck and God Speed my friend. Keep blogging. It feels like it takes a lot of energy now, but being able to deal with the emotions in a safe space, and this IS a safe space, helps to keep that emotion from sapping your energy in other areas.

We're all behind you. You'll not only survive, but you'll thrive again, in time.

Sue, you were so open and welcoming to me when I first turned up on this site. You encouraged my blogs, laughed with them, cried with them, and always let me know there were people in this world who cared about me, whether or not we had ever met in person. You also gave me perspective on what was going on in my own journey of recovery, from a point of view I could not possibly have seen. I know you do that for everyone you give encouragement or advice to, and YES, it really does help. It really does ease some of the fear and anxiety. It really does make a difference to all of us. Without your encouragement and advice, there are some things I wouldn't have been able to talk about with my family, to help them understand me a little better, or what I was facing. I have the strong and continued support and understanding of my kids, not in small part, due to your posts, blogs, replies to my blog and encouragements. And I absolutely believe that as long as there are those of us who post here, blog here and attend the chats, everything you say helps. You haven't gotten too far away from it and nothing you have to say or have had to say is irrelevant. When I came back to StrokeNet, I looked forward to seeing what you had to say. I know you've made a big difference in a lot of lives. And if no one has said it recently, thank you! You do so much for so many, more than you realize.

I might be able to join one afternoon here and there. I can probably take my lunch break during the hour of the chat of a Wednesday or Thursday and join. If I can remember I just said that, maybe I will try for tomorrow.

When I become excited or animate about something, I don't make sense either. It isn't that I'm speaking gibberish, exactly, but I'm not getting all of the information that is in my head out in my words. So friends and family look at me the same way. They can't follow what I'm saying because there is key information missing. Seems that when I write, I don't have this problem.

We've come to the point where, when this happens, they stop me and start asking questions to help me give them the information that's missing. Sometimes it's a lengthy process, but it seems to work. Eventually, we're all on the same page.

Sue, I'm so sorry to hear of you loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Something I tell myself every day:

a VICTEM is some one who comes through a life altering experience and is forever changed.

a SURVIVOR is some one who come through a life altering experience and is forever change, but DOESN'T LET IT STOP THEM FROM BEING WHO THEY WANT TO BE!!

I am a SURVIVOR!

My mother used to tell me "when God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. We just have to find it." And it's true. A year and a half ago, I was an information architect and reporting analyst. I am not those things any more. I can't wrap my brain around it now. Now I'm learning what I CAN do. I found out I have a knack for training dogs, obedience and service tasks. Monster, my service dog, and I are going to attempt to tackle agility training next.

Yes, you are grieving. Yes, it takes a while to get through it. Yes, things seem bleak right now and you feel worthless. But you are not. You WILL find the things you can do, and that is your open window. It just takes some time and some courage to try things you might not have "had time" to try before. fortunately, once we've survived a stroke, all we have is time. Good thing too, because we need it.

The best advice I can give you is the same advice people gave me when I first joined this swite; take your time, let things happen as they will happen, don't try to force yourself to do the things you used to do. All you up with is frustration. That doesn't help the healing.

And no, there is no such thing as a survivor "who has a better chance of healing." We all just do it at a different pace and in different ways. The smartest doctors and scientists in the world are still baffled by how the brain works. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to convince themselves more than you.

Just keep trying. It takes baby steps, but you'll look back some day and say "WOW."

This is probably NOT you new normal. It hasn't even been a month since your stroke. It takes the brain 6 - 12 months for the swelling that happens after a stroke to go away. Nothing is set in stone for you yet.

This is the part of being a stroke survivor that I call "living in a snowglobe." basically, everything got shaken up really hard and your feet have not yet touched the floor. It took a while, for the spinning, fatigue, nausia and all of the initial sensations of being disconnected from the world and reality to go away for me too. I still have some days when I feel the world tilt and I fall to one side, but not as violently, and not as often.

As for your friend, there is this interesting little problem that I have discovered most stroke survivors go through, and can for years after their stroke, called "emotional liability." Our emotional reactions are, for no good reason ( or any reason at all) WAY out of proportion. This may well be what happened between you and your friend. Give it a little time, then try reaching out to him. Things may not be as lonely or helpless as it feels right now.

Know, also, that you have a whole group of supporters right here who will hrelp talk you through anything and everything you are going through.

Best of wishes!!

Tes, careful is what I intend to be. I can block people on teh site if needs be, and I wont meet anyone in person without both Monster and my best friends, Tim and Gretchen. Also, no one comes to my place until I am very comfortable with them, nor do I go to their place. Public venues ONLY. But I'm getting way ahead of myself on that note, since all I am doing is chatting right now, and I intend to keep it that way for a while.

Fred, yes, it is forty days, but if one simply goes to the calendar and starts counting the days, they see that there are more than 40 days between Feb 22 and April 8. My comments explained the difference by noting that tghe Sundays are not counted.

What even most Christians DON'T know about Lent -

If you count the days, unless you remove the Sundays from the count, which are the "Lord's Days" and not Man's days, you have more than 40 days. If you remove the Sundays, since they are not ours, but God's anyhow, you get 40. That means that Sundays can be counted as "freebie" days - you allowed to break Lent on Sunday.

Some people would say this is a cop out, others would say it is a reward for attempting to immulate the struggle of Jesus in the wilderness, who was perfect, where man is not, or as allowing for the falibility of humanity.

The Episcopal Church recognizes the Sundays as "the Lord's Days" and allows for the Lenten sacrifice to be "broken" on those days.

Will, it's called Multi-infarct Dementia, meaning it is dementia due to damage from several strokes. I am working with my doctors and looking at nontraditional methods to be able to minimize the progression of the condition. I want to be able to be independant and vital as long as I can be.

So, no sooner do I finish posting this, then my cell phone chimes that I have a notification. Just for grins and giggles, my phone sends me my horoscope every day. The irony of this is today's horoscope......"Let go of all the angst you've been carrying around. Stick by the person who's been truest to you, and stop putting energy into worry."

Sometimes you get interesting answers from the strangest of places. I didn't know God knew my cell number.

Lydia:this blog made me cry, man you have raised your kids very well. I wish you can part with me your parenting tricks. our Son is his dads boy & loves & respect him more than me. though I am happy that he adores his dad. I m so touched by Logan, I bet he oves you the most & was hurt that you cant remember him. with kids like those & loving support of your family you will do great I am sure of it.hugs,Asha

Here is what I did:

Don't wait for them to be "mature enough to handle" some new priveledge. They will never seem like they are ready. Let them have the priveledge, but make sure they know that if they mess up, it gets taken away, then be consistant.

Never give them a punishment that they cannot "work off" by doing extra chores and lthtem tell you what chores they are willing to do.

Say you're sorry when you make a mistake.

Tell hetm, every day, that you love them and hug them like you mean it - heart to heart

Let them have all the emotions they are3 going to have when they happen

Admit when you are scared

Let them know that as long as they gave their best, you are proud of what they have done

LISTEN when they talk to you. Don't try to jump ahead to what you think their point is, hear them out

Let them know that as long as they live up to their responsibilities at home, keep up their grades and respect their elders, everything else is negotiable

When you are angry, take a time out before you talk to them. Don't yell at them.

ALWAYS think about how something will affect them first

Those are the rules I set down for myself the minute I knew I was pregnant the first time. Sometimes, it was difficult to follow my own rules and I had to say I was sorry, but my kids are the people they are today because of it.

UPDATE:

The kids have been talking to each other. A friend of theirs has a manufactured home in a community that his renters just vacated. It is a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom home about 8 minutes from Garion & Jeanna. They are talking to him about a lease or lease-option for me. There is a huge back yard for the dog, community park, community pool, community fitness center and decks with ramps can be built on the home to accomodate me (I don't do stairs well). They will pack and move me and even go in before-hand and paint/walpaper/tile, anything I want, so that Monster & I have a "fresh start."

My mother thinks that is a wonderful idea.

My lease is up next moth. I can talk to the property manager since life shook my snowglobe again.

I'm feeling better and stronger today, instead of crying at the drop of a hat,like yesterday. I even started moving all of Sam's things into the back bederoom, making it a sort of "storage room," while I put teh rest of the apartment "just so," the way I want it, without having to accomodate or compromise with anyone else.

I'm still hurt and several times, today, I have felt like I was going to cry, but the tears never came. I guess I have run out of tears for Sam. His loss.

I didn't have and didn't need a man when I met Sam. Stroke or not, I don't need one now. I have my kids, my parents, my siste, and my friends. I will be fine.

Logan came to see me this morning. He is SOOOOOOO mad at Sam for this. He feels like he has lost ANOTHER father. I knew he would take it the hardest. It's just another example of Sam not caring or thinking about anyone but himself.

Refusing to give up is good. Trying is good. But so is gently letting your mother and other family know that stroke recovery heeds no one's schedule but its own. If you can't do something RIGHT NOW, ok, you can't do it right now. You can try again in a day, a week, a month, a year, etc, as long as you try.

Pushing can be good, but it can also be coujnjterintuitive. We can easily get to a point where we just get upset, stressed and overwhelmed trying to move that mountain all at once.

Sometimes we need to use a spoon instead of a shovel. - Baby steps. My sister likes to remind me and my mother that is what I need to do, "just take baby steps." Eventually I'll get there.

You will too.

Fred, I am the one recovering, not Sam. He is the nurse who cares for brain/spinal cord injury patients.

Asha, napping with Mon is axactly what I did, but I plan to join the chat on Monday.

You don't see that outpouring of support from the community in general, but you do see it in churches. When I stroked, the women's organizations within our church, the Sunday school staff, the Daughter's of the King group, and the ladies of several of the committees, inundated us with casseroles, helped clean and do laundry, "babysat" me, drove me places if Sam had to work, called to check up on me every couple of days, really jumped in and took up the supporting role, like they did in my grandmother's generation.

It's a shame that we, as a society, have gotten so far away from that. No adays, when we go through a crisis and people say, "if you need anything, call me," they are really just being polite. They secretely hope you won't call.

Don't let your hubby sit and wait on that floating island thing. If it is allowed to float over what is you property for X period of time (differes from state to state), the lake bottom that it floats over becomes HIS property!!!! Make sure he has it removed.

We had a lake cottage in Michigan where the neighbors put in their dock on the property line, then tethered one of their boats on our side of their dock. The lake bed under where their boat sat tethered became part of THEIR property after a few summers.

Of course, we were friends and it didn't really matter to either of us. It actually dropped out property taxes, and raised theirs. But since that can happen, be careful. He may be trying to take over your property any way he can.

I read all of the blogs every day. I'm still early in my recovery - 5 months in - and I look for insight to the emotional as well as physical aspects of life after stroke.

I like reading about the personal successes and setbacks because it gives me hope, or it makes me feel less alone in all of this.

Reading the blogs also makes me feel like I know the people I talk to on the chats. The people here have become extensions of my family. I want to know what is going on in their lives.