lydiacevedo

Yesterday, Sam haranged me to the point of feeling ill about HAVING to transfer the title and registration of my suv into my name and it HAD to be done yesterday. Well, I told him I didn't havfe the 200+ dollars to do that so I was not ready to do it. He INSISTED that it be done and got the money from his parents. Then, he said he'd pay for a month of car insurance, and "maybe some more" when I told him that if he kept this up, I was going to stop being nice. Today he calls and wants to know if this divorce is going to get dirty and does he need to hire a lawyer. I told him that the divorce would get as dirty as he made it. He said he wasn't trying to screw me over and I told him he was full of crap, especially after yesterday. He tried to tell me he wasn't being a jerk, so I recounted his actions the past month to him, date by date. He didn't have a whole lot to say after that. So he asks if we are both going to put ourselves into bankruptcy hiring lawyers and I tell him I don't need to "hire" a lawyer, my brother is one, and whether or not I asked him to represent me depended entirely on Sam's actions from this point forward. Later this evening, Sam sends me a text message that he has paid the car insurance for both of us for the next 6 months, so I am not stuck without transportation. Did the fact that I can have a lawyer represent me in the divorce, mainly my brother, scare him into being nice for a moment? He also told me that if I needed anything and gave him a day or two notice, he would see what he could do to take care of it. He must be afraid that I will pull the representation card and he wouldn't be able to do the same so he will get "screwed to the wall," as he puts it, in the divorce. Frankly, all I intend to do is to have my brother look over the paperwork, to make sure that I am ok, and hadn't even considered having him represent me in the whole thing. But maybe Sam needed to know that I was not without resources if I needed them, for him to realize that he can't act like a jerk and expect me to do nothing about it. All of his "I'm not a monster. I want to make sure Lydia is ok" is just lip-service and my whole family knows it. He is running from having to step up and be the one to take responsibility and doing the least he figures he can get away with to keep me from unleashing my family on him. Maybe, today, he got the first spark of recognition that we all know that's his M.O. and he isn't fooling anyone.

Every time Sam contcts me, he starts making "plans" and "demands" that put my peace of mind and my protection out of the equation all together, then, when I mention that, he comes back with "I want you to be safe and ok." Like you-know-where he does!! Of course, he made the mistake of calling my mother 2 days after he left me and telling her that he "just couldn't deal with taking care of patients all day (2-4 hours a day, in reality), then come home and have 'another patient' to take care of the rest of the time." He felt like he "never got a break," but that he would "never do anything to hurt her, or anything to take away her safety or leav her in a position where she isn't ok." Liar. But, my mother is a retired family law attorney. When everything comes to trial - and it will - she will be there to throw his words back into his face, especially given his knack for upsetting me to the point of physical illness. I don't know what the heck he thinks he is doing, or what he thinks he hopes to gain, but he is an idiot. Of course, I suspect that a lot of his actions are coming from his parents, who, of course, have no idea of his history during our relationship. If they happen to sit in on the hearing, they will get an eye-opening. As for the hearing, he is the one who wanted out, he can pay the money to file for divorce and if he wants to try and play it dirty by hiring an attorney, well, fine. My brother is an active Family Law attorney. Let him drive the nails into his own coffin, and he will. I am trying very hard to let go an angst, stick by the ones who have been truest to me, and stop putting energy into worry.

Will, it's called Multi-infarct Dementia, meaning it is dementia due to damage from several strokes. I am working with my doctors and looking at nontraditional methods to be able to minimize the progression of the condition. I want to be able to be independant and vital as long as I can be.

So, no sooner do I finish posting this, then my cell phone chimes that I have a notification. Just for grins and giggles, my phone sends me my horoscope every day. The irony of this is today's horoscope......"Let go of all the angst you've been carrying around. Stick by the person who's been truest to you, and stop putting energy into worry." Sometimes you get interesting answers from the strangest of places. I didn't know God knew my cell number.

I've been thinking about this a lot the last week or so. For everything but hte paperwork, I'm single again, and 43 is still rather young. My kids are grown and out of the house. So, I'm alone and I really don't want to be. But I know I also havfe all the symptoms of early stage dementia - and a diagnosis to go along with them. So, how does one get back up on the social horse, knowing that? If I should meet some one and we should decide, eventually, that we are a good match, how do I bring up the fact that the4re are times when I am a little bit crazy? How do I saddle some one with a future of the woman he is with getting lost in her own head and drifting away from reality, let alone the physical changes that come along with this? Somehow, it doesn't feel fair to whomever he may be. Maybe it would be better to simply get used to being alone and forego personal relationships. But that doesn't seem fair to me. I can't help that I am the way that I am. All I can do is follow my doctor's plan to keep myself as healthy and functional as long as I can, which I'm doing. It is very confusing and 1 day I feel confident and want to meet new people, then the next day, all of that confidence is nowhere to be found and I am afraid to even go out in public. I trusted that the man I was married to would always be there for me. He promised he would. But he decided that I am just too much to deal with and left. How can I expect another person to want to jump at the chance to take that spot? I'm not even 100% certain that I would do that, gien similar circumstances. I like to think I would, but if I'm not even sure about myself, how can I be sure of anyone else? Maybe I'm being quintasentially me and overanalyzing the whole situation. Ugh! Sometimes I wish life was easier to figure out.

I got a little positive male attention over the weekend, and in the mean time, made Sam feel jealous and uncomfortable. I felt like I had gotten "a little of my own back" because of that. Sunday, I had some girl time with Laney and Jeanna. Time with "my girls" is always a good thing. Monday was Zumba Gold (for beginners, older people and those with limitations) day. Since Laney & Kevin's truck died, we are sharing mine. The kids had it Monday morning. So I walked to Zumba (it's only a block), and even managed to take the whole 45 minute class. I got a ride home. After that, I decided it was time to undo 2 years of Sam's neglect in the back yard. Garion and Jeanna came over to help out. We got a lot accomplished and the yard looks great. Tuesday, I was sore in muscle areas that I forgot I had. So I spent the day not doing anything to recover from all the work on Monday. Today was "Mom on call" day. Logan called and asked to be picked up from school, then he called later to ask if I could pick him up from work. He stayed for dinner - a dinner box from Pizza Hut - and a movie, then he went home. It's now 9:00 at night, and it is just Monster, Calypso and I. Somehow, tonight, I'm not feeling lonely, like I have been up to now. Maybe I'm getting used to being alone. Maybe I've just had enough company for a day or two. I have noticed that, alone, things seem much easier to keep picked up. There is no one to distract me by wanting me to listen to hte entire plot of some fantasy novel he is reading that does not interest me at all, so I don't forget to do things like the dishes, or make the bed. By that score, there is no one to walk into a room and start flipping through tv chanels while I am watching a program, or ask me to get him a drink, then change the program. There is no one to ask what he wants for dinner, only to be told "food," and no one leaving the clothes he was wearing all over the livingroom on a daily basis. Do I still want companionship? Well, frankly, yes. But I am starting to see that I really want that companionship on my terms. I don't want to give up the little world I have spent the last month creating for myself. Iike inviting people into it for short periods of time, but after a while, I'm happy to be alone again. Sam did "drop by" last night, for about 15 minutes, to drop off dog food for Monster. Why he felt he had to buy him food, I have no idea, but at the same time, why should I stop him? I allowed him into the house long enough to bring in the 40 pound bag of food and put it away. Of course, he took a few minutes more to take a look at my home. I don't know what he was expecting, but I don't think he found it. He seemed a little deflated that everything was nice, neat, ordered, and showed absolutely no signs that anyone had recently moved their things out. When he told me the house "looked great," he seemed a little depressed or upset about it. I had a knot in my stomach the whole time he was here. It wasn't the knot of anticipation, it was the knot of dread that people get when they really do not want to deal with something, but make themselves do it. I just didn't want him in my space. It didn't go away until this morning. A week ago, I still wanted Sam back. Now I don't. I want him to feel like he made me feel, but most of all, I want him to go away and just leave me alone. He didn't treat me very well in a lot of ways and, frankly, I've come to decide that I deserve better.

I've been trying to remoind myself, and live by the truism that there is no point in trying to get back at some one. What they have put out, eventually comes back to them and sometimes, if we are really lucky, God lets us watch. Well, Not only did I get to watch, but I ,unknowingly (at first) got to be the instrumentof some of Sam's Karma last night. My sister and I went to the theater, to see the Improvised Shakespere Company - think Shakespere meets whose line is it anyway....on acid. We had an uproarious time and din't stop laughing from start to finish. Once I got back to my place, I called my friend Mike, who manages a club that Sam and I have requentede. He happened to mention that there was wa guy up at the club last night who was asking about me, and thought I might want to stop up for a little bit. Well, still feeling the effects of the shopw and not really wanting to stay in the house, I decided to go. Low and behold, the guy asking about me was a friend of mine whose sons used to play with my children when they were yong. We simply fell out of touch over the years. I was floored. So, I decided to stay and have a drink or tow while we got to knw each other again. Nothing serious, not looking for anything, jut reconnecting with a good friend from about a decade ago. We were having a great time, chatting and laughing. This is exavtly the kind of guy I can hang out with, take in a show, stay in and have pizza and a movie, with no romantic strings attached. We had just been very good friends. I was starting to think God was smiloing on me. Then I realized just how muh..... Garion, my oldest, is one of the DJ's at this club and happened to be working last night. So, he saw mw and my friend enjoying each other's company and after an initial pausr to think "who the f*@#& is this guy, Garion recognized him. He also saw Sam come into the club lastnight, something I did not see. Well, Sam saw me getting some positive attention from a man and at some point, pulled Garion aside to find out what the deal was. Garion told him this guy was just an old friend that I had happened to run into here and we were reconnecting. He tells me that Sam looked like he had been slapped in the face. Garion asked Sam if he was ok and reports that Sam told Garion he was "not in a good head space at that moment." Oh the sadistic joy I felt when Garion told me about that later!!! Anyway, I had a great tiome reconnecting with my friend. We exchanged phone njumbers and promised to get together in the very near future (probably next weekend) for dinner or something. At the end of the evening, Sam watched him escort me to my car aqnd then sulked back into the club. What he did not see was us exchange a hug, hten me get into my car and drive off alone. I went home, washed my face, changed into pajamas, and curled up to watch a movie with Monster. Half way through it, I turned off the television and went to sleep, with Calypso at the foot of teh bed and Monster on the floor beside it, just my little pack and me. But, frankly, I was glowing from the ego stroke that the evening had given me. Sam texted me today wanting to know when he could come over and we could talk. I texted back that would have to check my schedule anad get back to him.

We went to bed around midnight, last night. So, of course, that meant that Monster was up and waking me to let him out at around 8 this morning. Somehow, I couldn't go back to sleep after that. Well, I decided to tackle the dishes in the sink (not that there were very many of them), then do a good cleaning of the floor of my bedroom. After that, I cleaned off the diningroom table. It was about 11:30 by the time I was finished and I was good and tired. But, I felt like I had accomplished something, another step forward. What I am finding the most difficult is the fact that I have not lived by myself for the past 22 years. I was either married, or I had 3 kids and all of their friends around. Now, it is just Monster, Calypso and me. I miss companionship in the evenings and on the weekends, some one my own age (and human) to share a conversation, a movie, a walk in the park, a trip to a museaum, so sit close to and watch television. Monster is great for the "pack touch" experience, and I am grateful for him, but neither he nor Calypso is much on conversation. I don't want a romantic interest. I want a friend. I want some one who loves mysteries and art as much as I do, likes going to the theater or the museaum, enjoys playing ball with Monster at the dog park, and prefers to stay in with a pot of tea or coffee, a favorite movie or television program, and a good conversation. At the end of the evining, I want to curl up in my own bed with Monster and Calypso and go sleep, just me and my little pack. I want simple, calm and peaceful. Garion and Jeanna decided that what I needed was to go with them, on Sunday, to the Unitarian church anbd meet new people. Maybe I do. Faith and Spirituality mean a great deal to me, but I can't sit in the church I have been attending for the past 10 years, knowing that Sam's Father, the "retired priest in residence" not only condones, but encourages his son to go through with this divorce, because he "cannot deal with a wife who has dementia." That seems very hypocritical of him and I cannot sit in service with him or his family because of that. It is better if I go some place where I can sit in service with my heart unburdened by pain and hurt, and without feeling angry toward anyone. My mother thinks it is a good idea, but has cautioned me to take things very slowly. Well, I agree with that. She says I need to maintain the peace and calm that I am developing in my home and not rush into anything, friendship or anything else. I think she is right. Mom also cautioned me not to let myself get caught up into being a "mover and shaker" in this church - if I choose to make it my place of worship. That leads to politics and that is more stress than I need to be anywhere around. She's absolutely right. So, after 3 weeks of cloistering myself in my home, my next step forward seems to be to get back out into society and celebrate my faith in God's unconditional love, hopefully meeting people who will become new friends at the same time. Frankly, I'm a little nervous, but I can't let that or fear stop me.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. It should have been a romantic day with my husband, bgut we all know those days are over. Still, I didn't mope and pine the day away. Monday, I made the house mine, making it look like Sam and his things had never been there. I actually slept in my own bed for the first time since Sam left that night. Yesterday, I went down to the bank and closed out the joint checking account (I was teh primary account holder), then opened a new checking account. After that, I spoke to hte landlord about moving to a smaller appartment, since Laney and Kevin are only about a quarter of a mile away. I feel like I have accomplished something and am starting to take control of my world and my life. My kids sweetened the day. Laney and Kevin gave me a dozen chrysthanthamums - my all time favorite flower, Logan gave me 3 red roses, 1 for each of the children to whom I gave birth, and Garion and Jeanna came over and made dinner. All of them wanted me to know that they love me and they are "in my corner." God I love those kids!! They really are the 3 greatest things I have ever done in life. Monster has stopped roaming the house at night looking for Sam. He just stretches out on the bed with me to watch tv, then goes down to his bed when the tv goes off at night. I have turned off the morning alarm, since I no longer have to be responsible for getting Sam out of bed in order to get him to work on time. We relax our mornings away and take care of whatever needs to be done in the afternoons, have our dinner and relax in the evenings - our new schedule. Does it still hurt that Sam has gone? Oh yes it does. And it will, for a while, I am sure. But I am making steps forward and I feel better about that, a little stronger.

So, I told my parents and my schildren about the dementia diagnosis. Laney, being more and more like I have been every day, went right out on the web and researched the topic, finding this page; http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001754/ . Well, she looked at the "treatments" and has decided that she and her boyfriend Kevin are going to be my caregivers. So, in they swoop to help me out, meaning that Kevin stayed at the house whgile Sam moved "some" of his things out, and Laney took me grocery shopping. She had to "approve" every item on my list. I don't smoke, but I used to, several years ago. I have been informed that I will never do that again. Well, frankly, I don't plan to ever smoke again, but that isn't the point. I know they are concerned, and that they might be overreacting a little bit, but come on, I didn;t stop being the Mom just because of the whole dementia thing. I'm not the child here. I don't like being treated like one. She will calm down....eventually. Frankly, being that on top of my life and being as on top of her own life as she tends to be will just plain be exhausting, But in the mean time, she is driving me crazy. Then again, if she didn;t act like this, she woouldn't be my daughter.

Here is what I did: Don't wait for them to be "mature enough to handle" some new priveledge. They will never seem like they are ready. Let them have the priveledge, but make sure they know that if they mess up, it gets taken away, then be consistant. Never give them a punishment that they cannot "work off" by doing extra chores and lthtem tell you what chores they are willing to do. Say you're sorry when you make a mistake. Tell hetm, every day, that you love them and hug them like you mean it - heart to heart Let them have all the emotions they are3 going to have when they happen Admit when you are scared Let them know that as long as they gave their best, you are proud of what they have done LISTEN when they talk to you. Don't try to jump ahead to what you think their point is, hear them out Let them know that as long as they live up to their responsibilities at home, keep up their grades and respect their elders, everything else is negotiable When you are angry, take a time out before you talk to them. Don't yell at them. ALWAYS think about how something will affect them first Those are the rules I set down for myself the minute I knew I was pregnant the first time. Sometimes, it was difficult to follow my own rules and I had to say I was sorry, but my kids are the people they are today because of it.

I've talked about my youngest son and how we have not had an easy time of things lately, then this whole Sam leaving the marriage thing happened and that hurt him deeply. Well, Logan (the youngest of my 3 kids) has come over every day since Sam left to spend time with me and make sure I am doing ok. We don't talk about past things right now. He wants to know how I am holding up and what things I will be able to do or might want to do going forward. We hug a lot and try to make eachother smile and laugh. Then he goes off to work, but comes back after his shift ends to check in again before going off to do whatever he has planned. We are reconnecting right now, when we need each other most. All the kids have been talking, amoung themselves, about the eventuallity of my not being able to live on my own. They are not blind to the signs of vascular dementia. Logan is acutely aware of the mental changes that have taken place since my strokes. He informed his brother and sister that, when the time comes, he will be the one to move me into his home, with his family and take care of me. He wants that responsibility. Garion and Laney have said they will support and help him (and me) so that he isn't doing all the care. But they all agree that the time for that is not now. I can still manage perfectly well with just Monster and some checking in, so moving me into a home closer to Garion and Jeanna is a good plan. When they told me that Logan had stepped up and insisted that I would live with him, when the time came, that really meant a whole lot to me. It told me I hadn't lost my youngest son. We both cried and we all had 1 big group hug. So, Logan has to work tomorrow, during the time I will be in the doctor's office. But Garion and Laney are taking me to the doctor, so that they can talk to him too and hear everything he has to say about all the things I have written down to discuss with him. Logan wants his own copy of the progress notes and details from his brother and sister. My kids ar3e stepping in to make sure I get all the care I need, especially while I am going through the whole divorce thing since stress seems to affect me very badly and they want to make sure I will be ok. They all seem so young to me. They are only 21, 19 cand 18, but they are handling this whole life change with a maturity, grace wisdom that is beyond their years. I look at them and I know that they are the greatest accomplishments I could have ever made in my life. They are what inspires me and what renews my faith when I am feeling lost. God bless those young people. They are amazing. With them to support me, I know everything is going to be ok.

UPDATE: The kids have been talking to each other. A friend of theirs has a manufactured home in a community that his renters just vacated. It is a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom home about 8 minutes from Garion & Jeanna. They are talking to him about a lease or lease-option for me. There is a huge back yard for the dog, community park, community pool, community fitness center and decks with ramps can be built on the home to accomodate me (I don't do stairs well). They will pack and move me and even go in before-hand and paint/walpaper/tile, anything I want, so that Monster & I have a "fresh start." My mother thinks that is a wonderful idea. My lease is up next moth. I can talk to the property manager since life shook my snowglobe again. I'm feeling better and stronger today, instead of crying at the drop of a hat,like yesterday. I even started moving all of Sam's things into the back bederoom, making it a sort of "storage room," while I put teh rest of the apartment "just so," the way I want it, without having to accomodate or compromise with anyone else. I'm still hurt and several times, today, I have felt like I was going to cry, but the tears never came. I guess I have run out of tears for Sam. His loss. I didn't have and didn't need a man when I met Sam. Stroke or not, I don't need one now. I have my kids, my parents, my siste, and my friends. I will be fine.

Logan came to see me this morning. He is SOOOOOOO mad at Sam for this. He feels like he has lost ANOTHER father. I knew he would take it the hardest. It's just another example of Sam not caring or thinking about anyone but himself.

It would seem that working with brain injury patients all day, then coming home to deal with me has become too much for Sam. So much sothat he disappears for hours at a time and resents my wanting to know where he will be and about when he will come back. He calls it resenting any time he is not at home with me. In plain truth, it is simply having a place to start a search in case the worst happens and I have to contact authorities. If he would take a moment to reflect, this is NOTHING I did not make the kids do and it is nothing do not do for him. So much so that when his phone rings he has to "take a walk to be able to get reception" when he doesn't seem ot have that problem if he makes a call, only when he receives one. He resents my askig, off-handedly, who called him, though he insists in not only "briging memy phone," but in ANSWERING it for me while he is bringing it the 2 feet from the table to where I am sitting. So much so that he accuses me of not taking my zoloft on purpose, when in plain point of fact, I also take valium, so I'd have to be choosing not to take that also before there would be any negative impact to my mood, especiallysince I take the valium 4 times a day. It amazes me that he, as a medical professional, cannot seem to remember that. Personally, I think he is looking for "greener pastures." His behavior changed after his friend Julie left her husband. He swares he was "just lending her emotional support," and at first, I believed him, but when he was spending more time on the phone with her or at her house, and she was feigning suicide attempts when I made him pull away, well, I think anyone reading this can see where I am going. Of course, he excuses her fake suicide attempts, but calls me a strident, controling bitch. So, ok, fine. Leave. I've survived 3 previous divorces, lupus and 2 strokes. I can survive this too. But know this, if you leave, you leave. I don't give second chances. To do so would be to send a message that I will allow someone to walk all over me and treat me poorly. Well, that just is not how I play things. Done is done, that means gone, with a d. I never looked back with the previous 3. I am not about to change that now, not even for him. I am worth more than that, much more. I called the kids and told htem what was going on. Garion (21) and Laney (19), told me not to worry, they would never let anything happen to me and would be there, 24/7, all I had to do was call. Logan (18) could only manage to say "Ok." Logan is the one I have had problems relating to,since he does not try to spend any time with me, but then resents it when I don't recognize him right away, or remember things that happened in our past. But that is another story for another time. Anyway, I am hurt, I'm upset, and I feel like the rug was just pulled out from underneath me AGAIN. But I was born a survivor and I am still a survivor, so I will survive this too. In the end, I know ALL my kids will be there if I stumble.

So we started keeping a journal of all of the weird "little things" that keep cropping up, in anticipation for my next visit to the doctor this month. So far, we have 40 individual items that seem to recur on a pretty regular basis. Little things like not being able to remember what in hte world is going on when I leave one room of teh house and walk into another, not remembering where I have left things like my cell phone, keys, purse, cup, etc., not being able to recognize people whom I have not seen in the last couple of days, being easily distracted and/or confused, losing how to understand letters and numbers after a while (the reason my entries are becoming fewier and farther apart), and a whole lot of other things. Sam, being a nurse and working with brain/spinal cord injury patients, read everything we had written down and started to make an "educated guess." He says I am showing a lot of the same symptoms that his dementia patients show and he thinks I may be in teh earlier stage of vascular dementia. Well, that isn't out of teh realm of possible. The doctors told me it could happen when I stroked in the first place. Anyway, all of this is getting written down so that we can talk to the doctor about it next week. I guess I should be upset about it, but upset is not what I feel. I don't feel anything about it, really. I don't know why. Maybe it is because the past year has been one long string of getting used to how things are now and discovering what "normal" is in my world now that the strokes have been diagnosed, so I've sort of become numb to it. I don't kbow. Maybe, like so much of my life now, it just doesn't seem "real" to me (a lot of things have this feeling of not being real in the last year or so), that I have a hard time putting an enotion to it. I don't know. Maybe I'm just at a point where it is easier to accept that this may or may not be something Sam and I will have to deal with than it is to get upset, happy, or any other feeling over it. I don't know. Sam doesn't know either, so, at least, I'n not alone.

To be honest, I'm just plain tired. My sleep cycle is in ruins, the animals keep getting me up about 2-4 hours after I finally fall alseep, my husband seems to have completely incapable of managing his own schedule so it hasa become my responsibility to get him up for work, fix his coffee, etc. because if I don't, he wpon't get out of bed until WELL into the late afternoon. Nothing is getting done around the house because I don't have the energy to do it. My family keeps looking at me like I've gone "off the reservation" when I tell them they need to pick up their own slack. Aparently, since I no longer work outside of the house, I should be able to everything and let them simply "relax" when they come home. I keep telling them that I am tired, that I haven't fully recovered from hte stroke yet, that I'm exhausted all of the time. They look at me as if I were speaking a foreign language, or patronize me and hope that will make me shut up and go away. It just makes me more upset. It seems that since the first anniversary of my stroke has come and gone, I'm supposed to "have put it all behind me" now and taken over everything thatthey don't want to hand;e because "they are busy working and I don't do that any more." I'm tired of pointing out what it is that I do accomplish all day, every day, the fact that I haven't slept for longer than 4 hours a night in the past month, and the fact that the majority of the messes they think I should be handling are messes THEY created, not me. It isn't even my stuff I'm supposed to be picking up! When I ask some one else to clean up something I get "I don't want to be mess guy!" Well guess what, NEITHER DO I!!!! Just because they don't want to do it doesn't mean I should have to the only one who has to deal with the more unpleasant things in life. If Sam leaves a coffee cup on his night stand, it should NOT be my job to walk around after him and pick it up. If he leaves it there long enough for it to mold, it should NOT be my job to wash it out. But that is what ends up happening. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of telling him how I feel about it on;y to have him tell me I'm overreacting, or try to patronize me to get me to be quiet and go away. I'm just plain tired of it all.

Today, being 12/27/2011, means that I stroked 1 year and 1 day ago. No one will say for sure, but I think my entiore family held their breaths all day yesterday, waiting for the worst and hoping for the best. Well, I am not writing this blog entry from a hospital bed. I came through my first anniversary without so much as a mild headache. I don't know why everyone thought that yesterday could make or break itself, or that I could end up exactly where I was a year ago, but everyone in the family thought it, even me, even Sam. Now, I can look back at this past year and be happy that my recovery has come so far. I am doing very well. I am driving, training my own service dog, cooking meals, basically living my life as I had pre-stroke, with a couple of compensations for some challenges that popped up with the stroke. It's been an emotional year. There have been plenty of ups and downs on the rollercoaster, but so far, so good. So, happy first birthday to the new Lydi. She's alot like the old Lydi, but different enough to understand how quickly life can change in ways no one ever expected, and smart enough to want to live every day the best that she can.

And, maybe for my eyes to stop fluttering. Seems like sleep is all I want to do lately, no matter what time I get to bed or what time I get out of bed. I'm just so tired. I drag myself out of bed on Mondays to go to Zumba class. It's important to me. The rest of the day, and the rest of every other day, I lay on the couch and cat nap. Why am I so tired? On another note, I was at the doctor last Friday. From what he tells me, the deficits that I still try to overcome every day are now my "normal." I'm not going to get anything else back without A LOT of therapy, and even then, I probably won't get much back. Well, I sort of figured that much out on my own. The good ting is that, with the exception of a warning not to drive at night if I didn't have to, I still have my license and I don't have any additional restrictions on it, other than the corrective lenses that I've always had on my license. Yay me!! That would have been a really big blow to me. Being able to drive myself is a big part of my feeling of personal independence. To lose that would hurt A LOT. So, with Christmas 4 days away, I am going to force myself to get up and out from behind my desk and finish up my holiday shopping. Tomorrow afternoon, my future daughter-in-law, Sam and I will tackle the Christmas cookies that have yet to be completed. Then, I think I will sleep until Christmas morning.

I was at the doctor's office yesterday for the every-three-months-check, and mentioned everything I have been dealing with the past couple of months. Well, they did some blood work to check on clotting, etc. The good news is that working with Monster's training, I have actually LOST 20 lbs!! My doctor says that deciding to train my own service dog was probably the best thing I coould have done for myself. Now the news I was expecting. My stroke anniversary is coming up - 9 days from today. I am pretty much at what is "normal" for me now. I work on things, like strengthing my right side and speach therapy for the aphasia, but I will continue to have memory and balance problems. I will not get the peripheral vision or depth perception back, and reading will be a problem for teh rest of my life. Well, it coulod have been a lot worse. At least I still HAVE the rest of my life!! The rest I can deal with. I'm learning to compensate every day. I just have to work on more ways to mitigate the effects of stress. Well, I'll work on that. "Fuzzy therapy," time withthe cats and Monster helps. I have a big, fuzzy, black cat demanding my attention right now, so I'm going to give in.

The last Kid moved out in May. June, we took in roommates. September, they were (thankfully) gone. That left the back 2 bedrooms of our 3 bedroom apartment empty (and in need of some SERIOUS cleaning. Let's just say that some people have lower standards than others) I tackled the bedroom that also holds the washing machine, vaccuumed/shampooed the carpet, washed down the walls, windows, etc.. Then I set up work areas for sewing, stained glass, painting, etc. and brought in organization shelves/bins to store all of my supplies. I also brought in a smaller television and hooked the cable box up to it. Last I set up some speakers that I can connect to either my laptop or my ipod, and hung up some things on the walls. Low and behold, I have an art studio now! Monster enjoys sitting under my worktable, either curled up at or laying across my feet. We can be found in here almost any minute of the day, when we aren't out running errands, or taking care of whatever it is that needs doing that day. Sam says he has lost his wife to the art studio. So, I'm starting to work on the last bedroom. I'm turnining it into Sam' "man cave," of sorts. I'm pulling up the carpet and putting down wood so that he can practice Tai Chi there. He'll also have his own tv, an hd one, so that he can run tai chi videos off his ipad, and a stereo for music, some low seating for relaxation and/or meditation, and, I thought, a little fountain to make the room even more relaxing. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will "loose my husband to the Tai Chi studio!" LOL I just wanted to give him his own space, like I have mine. Just like in my art studio, there will be a futon. I find them very functional and comfortable, when used as either seating or a bed. Of course, that only applies if you have a quality futon mattress on the frame. I prefer the traditional or a memory foam mattress, though there are innerspring mattresses for futons. But that is another topic all together. I've been working on our new rooms as a way to avoid doing holiday stuff, though I won't be able to put it aside forever. But it makes me freel like I have accomplished something, and doesn't make me feel like I'm pressed for time to do it.

And, once again, I feel lke I'm in a crucible. Presure, presure, presure. There doesn't seem to be enough time in a day or days in the last couple of months to get on top of the whole holiday thing. Throw in teh fact that my first stroke anniversary is December 26, and, well, I'm a little nervous about that. Sam keeps trying to make me sleep later and take naps. He wants me to try to relax more. I just don't seem capable of doing it. It eats at me until I get up and get going again. I did take a step back, after the initial stroke, and let go of a lot of the things that were on my plate. I'm not runnig Sunday school this yhear, and don't even think I'll throw my name in the hat for next year. I'm just teaching 1 Sunday a month. I didn't even participate in the Christmas program this year. I just didn't have the energy. I'm not working any more. Stoped that in June. So, wouldn't one think that my stress would be lower without those 2 "big item tickets" off my plate this year? Then, how come I feel just as up against a wall as I did last year? When will it be less stressful? When will I be able to handle things better?When will I stop feeling like I'm being squeesed to see how long it will take me to pop? I wish I knew.

Hi, I am In my 50's (thankfully look like I am in my 30's) GRIN! In September I had a Lacunar Stroke, small vessel. I had lost feeling from my left side of my face down to my toes. My whole left side was affected. I am now on plavix. I have less feeling in my left side and residual weakness in my left arm/hand/leg. Other than that it has not been too bad. Recently if I try to hold anything with my left hand (I have too as my right arm is broken in 3 pieces). When it happened in the past the feeling would come back. Now, it seems to not be coming back in my fingers!!! Kinda tough when you are relying on this hand! Anybody experienced similar stuff? This is my first entry! Hope you are all doing well! God bless, Jewels Jewels, I have been dealing with the fingers on my right hand (affected hand) going numb after only a short time of using that hand. It happened in hte beginning, but went away. Now it has come back. My doctor has said it is a reaction to stress. For me, that meant traveling to Puerto Rico, and now the stress of the holiday season. He feels that when my stressors go down, my problem mwith numbness will go away. Perhaps you should check with your doctor. Every stroke is different. For me, even teh slightest change in stress levels can mean big setbacks. Best to talk the situation over with some one who is familiar with your medical and stroke history. Good luck!! Lydi

One of the things I've been left with after my strokes is an inability to access short term memory without visual or other sensory input. Basically, the only things that exist are teh things that are in the same place that I am. Everything else, I simply do not remember. So, I live in a world where there is only 1 room of the house at a time, and the only objects, chores, memories, etc., are the ones represented in that room. When I move to another room, that is the entirty of my world. I know I have friends and family, but once they are not in the room, I don't remember what they look like and it takes me a moment to two, when I do see them again, to remember who they are. Even their pictures take a moment for me to place. The only constant is Monster, who is typically never out of my sight. I actually get a little nervous when he is out of my sight, because he is the one person in my world that I'm never without. Well, I've just spent a week in Puerto Rico. My daily routine was completely thrown out the window while we were on vacation, and replaced with a daily routine for being on vacation. So, now that I am back home, I am struggling to refind the routines that I followed before going on vacation. I even surprised myself, yesterday, to discover that there is a whole other bedroom (Sam's Tai Chi Studio), that I had totally forgotten existed at all! I actually walked into that room and asked myself, out loud, what is it that I do in this room? I didn't have an answer and had to ask Sam what that room was. But, I can remember the room now, as I sit here and type about it, because I am typing up a blog, and that triggers memories for me. It's strange and it's frustrating because I know I didn't used to live like this, but I can't remember how I did live. I can't even remember exactly what it was that I did when I worked, but I know I worked before my strokes. I'm getting myself all worked up over this and I need to stop because Monster and I are the only people here.

WE're home again. It was good to sleep in my own bed and I REALLY missed my precious Monster and the kids. Frankly, if some one could have sent my dog, my bed and my kids to me, I'd have stayed on Puerto Rico for the rest of my life! I felt much more relaxed and much more at home than I have in many, many years. The atmosphere of the whole island (until you get into a car and drive) is life is worth slowing down and enjoying. Ripe and/or green plantains are in every meal, salsa music is everywhere, at all hours of the day and night. The Coqui frogs sing every evening and especially after a rain shower (which happen frequently in the evening, but are not the total downpours we experience here). You can't look out of a window anywhere and not see rolling green hills, dotted with homes built right into them. The Royal Poinsiena trees bloom pretty much year round, so do the almond trees, and the tamarind trees hang heavy with friut pods that are used to make everything from paper to deserts. Piraqua (snowcone) stands dot the street corners of Old San Juan, with it's blue ballast stone brick streets and slate sidewalks, winding up and down the hills onwhich the old city was built. Colorful doorways still line the narrow streets, that only enhances the classic archetecture of the buildings that all share side walls. The Calles' shops are separated into districts where like goods are sold. La Iglesia de San Francisco de Asisi still opens its catacombs to the faithful and visitors alike. My ancestors are entombed in those catacombs. I went to visit them and say a prayer. The old forts still stand and the Haunted Century Post still attracts visitors from all over. Their connecting walls still stand strong, and their connecting squares and plazas have returned to grass, like they were when Teddy Roosevelt and his Rough Riders stormed the hill. Most houses do not have central air conditioning, just window units, and those are not run in the evening. Al the homes have big windows that let in plenty of light and fresh air. Most are screened these days because mosquitos thrive on the island. The houses, like the clothing, are all decorated in light colors that help to reflect the light and keep down the heat. Where children once sold Chicle (chewing gum) on the streets, they now sell Dulces (candy), to make money. The poverty of the lower class is only more wide-reaching because of the economic downturn, especially in a country dependant on the sales of Rum and tourism. Highways wind up and down, in and out, around, over and under the hills. Their Salidas (exits) sometimes challenging the laws of physics as they slope down and around the hills. Some exits are marked, others simply branch off of the main road. Directions there are not given by street name or exit number, but landmarks that have stood as long as people can remember, or were suddenly vanished by the latest hurricaine. Drivers pace each other at 55 miles an hour, bumper to bumper, yet still manage to merge and change lanes without accident. The streets and highways are the only "break neck" paced area on the whole island. There are very few stoplights, and those that are there are taken more as "sugestions" than rules. Parking is tight on an island that is 35 X 90 miles and people park wherever they can find, sometimes even up onto the sidewalks. Pedestrians are always given the right of way, but fights have broken out over which driver should have been able to go in what order. Suddeen stops to avoid accidents in town are frequent, almost expected, since most of the turns are uncontrolled and several salidas empty into streets barely large enough for 1 lane in either direction. The El Yunque (rain forest) thrives, with 13 of thr 17 species of Coqui singing from the leaves of tropical plants and flowers of every color of the rainbow. Tourists can still hike to the waterfalls, where locals plunge hands into frigid waters to pull up fresh water Zebra Shrimp, though they are smaller than they used to be, like they have done for generations. My family, when we are all, or mostly, back on the island, is big, loving and loud. Get-togethers resemble scenes out of popular movies, where food drink flow as freely as love and laughter, childeren run and play in the yards and parents sit under the shade of the varandas, slowly waving fans and telling jokes and stories of the "old days." We cry, laugh and hug. All of the bad blood that was between my mother and my father's family seems to be gone. My cousins, sister and I care little for whatever the old wounds were and only want to be able to be a part of each other's lives. The little ones know nothing of the strife in their grandparent's past, and freely hug all the members of their family. There is an innocence to childhood, still, on the island that seems to be lacking here, on the mainland. In spite of, or maybe because, the island has faced conquerors, natural disastors, wars, water and electric outages (that are almost daily), and poverty, there is a sense of ease that permiates everything. Life seems simpler there. Churches are everywhere and a deep faith in God can be felt everywhere. We attended the christening of my cousin's first child and I was struck by the fact that the crucifix (the island is mostly Catholic) was not teh typical depiction of a suffering, dying Jesus on the cross, but the cross with the risen Christ in front of it. The message of that crucifix being the celebration of the resurection and opening of the way to salvation, instead of the suffering and sacrifice of Jesus. I already miss my island home and I have sworn that one day I will move back there. I am working to make that happen.