lydiacevedo

I've spent my morning packing away 13 years worth of collected "stuff" to take home from the office. It's personal stuff like my mug, dry eraseboard puzzel pieces, desk fan, coding manuals, pictures, sweater, "executive" dart board, etc. Took a whole box to get it all collected up. My desk looks so bare now. Nothing on the walls but some purple push pins. Nothing on the desk by the monitor, keyboard, mouse, a note pad and a pen. Nothing in the drawers. It's all in a box with my name on it, sitting on the window sill until this evening, when a co-worker will walk it out to my car. HR came by this morning, as I was packing up, and asked how I was feeling. God bless her soul, she actually cares about whether or not I'm emotionally ok with all of this. I told her I was fine, and I am. A little meloncholy, perhaps, but who wouldn't be after so long with the same company? I've done a lot and had a lot go down here over the past decade plus. Tomorrow I will make sure all of my reporting and knowledge tasks are transitioned over to whomever will be taking them over, then I will say my personal good byes, have my exit interview and leave the office in time to have lunch with a friend. So ends the CGS chapter of my life. It's been a good one. Had its ups and downs, but been a good one over all.

I've tried not taking the valium. My focus spasms in both eyes constantly, even when my eyes are closed. I tried taking half a valium - 2.5 mil, and couldn't stay awake. I even tried taking a quarter of a valium - 1.25 mil and I still can't think straight. I'm making "careless" mistakes, which, at this time, affect the attendance and adherence of the entire call center, which could impact some one's performance review or even their employment. I can't be making simple mistakes. Unfortunately, I can't see straight without the valium and I can't think straight with it. So, this Friday, 6/17/2011 is my last day. I'm allowing myself to be laid off, or as I put it, medically retiring. I'm not sad about it. I talked to my mother and she told me that, at thins point in life, I need to do what is best for me. A job just isn't worth my health. She also said she would help me out however I needed her to, while we get everything straightened around with finances and the like. Good to know my family is there and willing to help. A co-worker asked me what I intended t od onow that I won't be working. I told him I planned to focus on my artwork - as long as I still had the faculties enough to do so - and my friends and family, the really important things in life. I'll let the attornies handle the rest. This is stress I just don't need to take on by myself. I'll miss some of the people I've worked with for a long time, but I have their phoen numbers and they have mine. We can keep in touch. For the next 2 days, I will be handing over the reamining tasks that I have to other people and then, Friday afternoon, I turn in my security badge. Good bye office. It's been an interesting ride, one I would do again if given the chance.

I asked to extend my retirement day by 1, that way I could be paid for any unused paid time off I have. HR said that was not a problem. Friends, family and co-workers are beginning to find out - because I have started talking about it - that July 1st will be my last day. Everyone has the same set of questions ; 1. Why? 2. Are you ok with that? 3. Do you need to talk about it? They all look at me skeptically when I tell them I am very at peace with the whole thing, even starting to look forward to it. I LIKE the idea of being home all day and being able to keep house, take care of Sam, and do whatever I want to do with myself. I have plenty of hobbies and plans. I won't be bored. Given the things that have been going on with me, physically, I think retiring is really the best thing for me. I'm 5.5 months post stroke. A lot of the swelling has gone down. We've found a couple of new "normals" that are a little concerning. 1. My eyes spasm all day long. It affects my vision and focus. I have been given a low dose of valium to help deal with it and told I should not drive. 2. Stress makes the eye spasms worse, and makes me more tired than usual - to the point I can't staty awake. We are evaluating my zoloft dose and may change it again, if the addition of the valium doesn't help that too. 3. It is time for another MRI since I am active and seemingly coherent at all times, but have "lost" periods of time as small as a few minutes and as great as over an hour - there is just plain no memory of the time periods. That one bothers my doctors a little, hence the new MRI and possibly other tests. So, there I am. The reasons to go ahead and retire are really starting to outweigh the reasons not to. I think, for some of my friends/family, the fact that I am retiring and taking disability is really a bigger hit to them than it is to me. There are still a few who seem to have thought that the stroke was "nothing major, serious, or all that bad." As it turns out, it took more out of me and made more changes then they thought. Perhaps that makes them look at how fragile life really is, and that scares them. I've experienced how fragile life is, first hand. I'm grateful I have the change to make some changes so that I can focus on the truely meaningful things in life - like family, happiness, love and friendship. The material things can be taken away at any moment, and in the end, we are not remembered for the things we had so much as for the things we did in life, for oursselves and for others.

You don't see that outpouring of support from the community in general, but you do see it in churches. When I stroked, the women's organizations within our church, the Sunday school staff, the Daughter's of the King group, and the ladies of several of the committees, inundated us with casseroles, helped clean and do laundry, "babysat" me, drove me places if Sam had to work, called to check up on me every couple of days, really jumped in and took up the supporting role, like they did in my grandmother's generation. It's a shame that we, as a society, have gotten so far away from that. No adays, when we go through a crisis and people say, "if you need anything, call me," they are really just being polite. They secretely hope you won't call.

This past Sunday evening was one of the best evenings I've had in a while! Backstory: I have a sister 2 years younger than I am. We were pitted against each other by our grandmother all the years she was alive, and none of it ever came out until about a year and a half ago, when our grandfather died. Since then, we have started to build the kind of relationahip we should have had the whole time. After my stroke, it was my mom and my sister who spent every moment that Sam could not be there by my side. Larra (sister's name) was even the one who helped me take my first shower after having had the stroke. She and her husband helped Sam pack me up and take me home when I was released from hospital. We've been growing closer and closer, even teaming up to tease our parents during the family dinners we had every Sunday the first 2 months after I came home. We call and text each other several times a week. This past Sunday, we went to a movie together. We haven't done that since we were in high school or younger. It was a blast! We discoverd that we still both like our pop corn the same way, the same things still make us laugh and the same things still make us say "what the heck?" We both try to pick out editing errors in the movie, like whether a "night" scene was actually shot in daylight and they forgot to edit it, things like that. I think between the 2 of us, we caught them all. We just really had a great time! On the way home, Larra drove, we were talking about all kinds of things, and comparing the personalities and behaviors of our dogs. Larra has 2 pit bulls, and I have Monster. It's funny how they all 3 seem to have a fondness for the same kind of antics. At one point, we switched to fashion, namely Larra showed me her new Coach bag, that she got at the outlet mall. It was very cute and very roomy. I commented that the purse I was carrying that evening was my "smaller purse." I had changed it out of the large one I used earlier in the day "because I took the dog with me." Larra looks at me and asks, "Wait, you carry your pit bull around in your purse? Who do you think you are, Marry Poppins!?" Then she goes on to say, "I know my wallet is in here some where, let's see, umbrella....hat stand....pit bull....." as she made the motions of rummaging around in some enormous bag and pulling the items out, one at a time. We were both laughing hysterically by that time!!!!!!! We wer elaughing so hard, she could hardly drive the car! It was so great to have that kind of an evening with her. We also talked about getting the dogs all together to play, and maybe take them to Monster's fav ice cream shop - where he always gets a free cup of soft-serve, vanilla, fat-free, frozen yougart. They even call it a "puppy cup!" Pets are welcome there any time, so we take Mon there as a treat every once in a while. She said it sounded like a good idea. Then she recommended a different dog park to the one we usually take Mon to on "working days." So we tried it out on Monday. It's a bigger park, with more for the dogs to do, including agility equipment, which Mon loved. We may switch parks. On a more serious note, After finding out about the whole my taking medical retirement at the end of the month thing, Larra spoke to a friend of her's that is in HR. She says that I was basically given hte choice of taking a position I cannot do, due to a disability, or allow myself to be laid off. They can't legally do that. Larra urged me to contact the EEOC and talk to them, which I have done. I have an appointment with them the day after my last day of work. We'll see what comes out of it. In the mean time, Mon and I are in the office, as is typical of a thursday afternoon. We'll ride out the remaining 21 days of the month as quietly, peacefully, and with as few challenges as we can.

March 2, 1998, I reported, promptly at 9:00 am for my first day of work with my current company. I was 30 years olb, the single mother of 3, recently divorced entering the corporate workforce for the first time. My assignment was as a technical service specialist for a computer call center. I had some knowledge of troubleshooting PC problems, though most of my experience was on a Mac. None of my family or friends really expected that I'd make it a year. By my 2nd year, I was a part-time instructor in Microsoft applications, and a subject matter expert for MS Office Suite. I was also the goto for all questions concerning graphics. In my 6th year here, I became the training coordinator for 3 accounts. When those contracts ended, in my 8th year, I became the Knowledge Admin for the entire center, responsible for making sure that all of the support documentation in our databases was accurate, easily accessable, readable, followable, and linked to any and all accurate additional information, without going outside of the contractual agreements of with the clients. I have held that position for the past 5 years. I've had a good run. But all good things must come to an end. I will walk out the doors of my office, the afternoon of June 30, 2011, and officially end my run here, or anywhere. July 1, 2011, I start my "medical retirement." Oddly, I don't feel upset about it. I'm a little concerned about money issues because I will be "retired" before my inheritance comes in, but other than that, I feel calm about it. There is a strange sort of peaceful feeling, knowing the date when things will change. I'm going to miss a lot of the people here. Friendships have been made over the last 13 years, naturally. But otherwise, I am ok with this, even though it could be argued that the choice of when to retire was taken out of my hands. I don't really seem to mind. I've had a good run.

Monster is a "Canine Good Citizen" now. He performed all of hius tasks with flying colors. I was so proud of him....and so proud of myself since I trained him. We've really become a pretty good team the past couple of months. We've been steadily working on developing his service tasks. Monster already looks more to the right than to the left when we are walking, seeming to understand that I have a limited field of vision on that side. He will nudge or pull me to either side to avoid objects some of the time. For 6 months old, and that not being a task we are training, I'd say Monster is pretty tuned in to his human. He's developing a "prey instinct," so will go and get things. Right now, he wants to play with me more than he wants to give me what I have asked for. It's a work in progress. At least he can go get the item, even if he doesn't want to actually give it to me. Mon is 6 months old and over 60 pounds - still growing. He is tall enough now that he only wears the "traffic lead" when we are working - a 12 inch lead that is made of a bungee cord-like rubber. He's learning to help pull me to standing from a sitting position. We'll work on from the floor once he has from a seat down. Another work in progress, but we are making progress. One thing I had not set out to teach him is how to navigate the office by himself. Surprise!! He can do it!. We go for walks on my morning break, which takes us out the north-side door, around the building, in the south-side door, and through the call center back to my desk. We stop and say "hi" tyo people we know and he recognizes. He knows that when I ask if he is ready to "take a break" that until I tell him "find your desk" he is not working. Once we have said hi to friends and family in the office, I give him the command "find your desk." He sets off with me, making turns a second before I give him the direction, and walks us all through the call center, back to my desk in the QA section on the north-side of the building. I've noticed that I've had to give him fewer and fewer directional commands, and had to refocus him less. So, today, I tried a little test of myown. Once I Told Monster 'find your desk," I took off my glasses. I've worn them since I was 3 and without them, I can't clearly see past my nose - literally. So, I was walking basically "blind" with Monster. He checked me a couple of times, touchinf my hand with his nose, and gave me a couple of pulls and a couple of nudges. I told him he was a good boy, but refused to give any directional commands, just repeating "find your desk." Well, he did it! He walked us back to my desk, all by himself!! I was so proud of us both! NOw Mon is happily sitting under my desk, munching a dog biscuit. We'll go out and play ball in a little while, for lunch. He's shaping up to be such a good boy!!!

It's been 5 months since the first stroke. I've been dealing with aphasia since and have gotten frustrated that I just couldn't seem to get the words right, even with them written and posted on the objects. Well, a couple of days ago (I've been busy and haven't had a chance to write lately), I FINALLY used the correct words for the Microwave and the Dishwasher!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, I still insist that one boils water in an iron and can't, even now, remember what it is that Sam told me was the correct name. There is still the "top fridge" and the "bottom fridge," one is colder than the other. Some other things are still not the right thing and I still get lost in my head, or can't get words out. I've also been told that I talk much slower than I used to (probably not a bad thing since I had been told that I spoke English almost as fast as I spoke Spanish). But I have obviously made some progress! That makes me very happy. Not having a word, or having the wrong word has been something that bothered me greatly. I have always been lovingly referred to as "the walking thesarus." Hard to be that when you have lost words, or the ability to use them. It seems like a very small thing, but I have learned that, where stroke recovery is concerned, sometimes the "smallest" things are really big things and anything that you couldn;t do yesterday, that you can do again today is a win. All wins should be celebrated. On a side note, People at the office are very impressed with the work that Monster and I are doing. People are starting to make appointments with me to meet at various dog parks so I can give them tips on living with their animals. Even some of the people we have met at the dog park are starting to ask me how I taught Monster to be so calm, or to do <insert trick here>. It really makes me fee like I can achieve my dream of having my own training facility and specializing in service dogs. I wouldn't have even though about it before the stroke. When God closes one door, he really does open a window!!

Don't let your hubby sit and wait on that floating island thing. If it is allowed to float over what is you property for X period of time (differes from state to state), the lake bottom that it floats over becomes HIS property!!!! Make sure he has it removed. We had a lake cottage in Michigan where the neighbors put in their dock on the property line, then tethered one of their boats on our side of their dock. The lake bed under where their boat sat tethered became part of THEIR property after a few summers. Of course, we were friends and it didn't really matter to either of us. It actually dropped out property taxes, and raised theirs. But since that can happen, be careful. He may be trying to take over your property any way he can.

I'm sitting in the office, with a co-worker. I was asked to read something aloud, so we could both see if it sounded ok. I just discovered I can't do that!!!!!!!!!!! I can read. It is slow, most of the time, and after a while, it stops making sense, but I can read. I cna type and my spelling isn't too bad. I can write blogs and manuals, emails, training information, everything. What I can't seem to do is read aloud! I can read. I know what the words are, how they should sound, and what they mean. But that information isn't getting from my head to my mouth!!!!!!!! Just nothing come out!!!!!! At Easter, I gave a homily on one of teh 7 last words of Christ. I know I only looked at the paper once, then launched into it, but that is not unusual. By the time I am ready to do something like that, I've written and rewritten it so many times that it is so familiar to me, that I don't need notes. I haven't actually read anything in church, or anywhere else, for that matter, since the stroke. I'm a little freaked out. No, I'm a LOT freaked out!!!!!!!!!! I can't make the words that I am reading come out of my mouth while I read them!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OK, I called Sam. He told me not to panic. I just can't read aloud....TODAY. Tomorrow might be different. Everything is going to be ok. By then he had pulled up in front of his next patient's house, so he had to get going. But he promised me everything would be ok and I believe him. Then I called my mother. She told me to take deep breaths and relax. I just can't read....right now. She's dealt with this when my grandmother started having all of her strokes. There is OT for it and if that is what I need, then we'll get it for me. "It's just a little nerve that needs to be remineded how to do it's job." She said everything will be ok. I believe my mom. So I'm calmer now, if still a little weirded out. I can "hear" myself reading in my head. It's just that my nouth doesn't know what to do when I try to actually put the sounds to the words. It's the freakiest thing I've run into since feeling like I was moving my face/right side in the hospital, and nothing was actually happening. It has that same kind of disconnected from reality feeling, that is what I have not liked most about the whole stroke experience. It took me 3 weeks to feel like I was reconnected to reality after the December stroke, and a weekend to do it after the April stroke. I don't like feeling that way. Now I don't even know if this is something that happened at the December or the April stroke! OK, I'm working myself back up again. I don't want to do that. I'm still in the office and I don't want to go home before 4 pm. Frankly, I can't go home before then. Sam has my suv today. I need to keep it together. Why does this one little thing (and in the scheme of things, not being able to read aloud really is a significantly smaller deficit than, oh, say, not being able to walk or to talk at all) seem to weird me out so much? I just never thought I'd have a problem with it. I've been reading since I was 3, reading aloud since that age too. I guess it was something I took for granted that would just happen when I wanted/needed it to happen. Now it seems, it isn't. Reading aloud is not "a natural" part of reading. I guess I thought it was. I geuss I also thought I had figured out what my new normals were. Seems I still have some discovering to do.

We were told that there would be small changes in my personality, after and I healed from the stroke, and further on down the road, as I continue to have "Ischemic Events," and very probably develop vascular dementia. OK, I've learned to accept that. So have Sam, the kids and rest of the family. None of us are looking for the changes, but we have all decided that when we notice differences, we will roll with them. What else can we do? Well, we have noticed a few in the last couple of months. My mother is loving referred to as "The Dragon Lady." My sister is a "pit bull," and my mother-in-law is known as a "baracuda." In short, none of the women in my family, by blood or by marriage, are anything less than "self-empowered, strong women." I've been known to breathe fire a time or two myself, or to clamp down on an idea and shake it until I got the outcome I wanted. In our family, the term "cougar" does not refer to romantic preferences, but the fierce pounce of me onto an idea, issue, or person, seemingly from out of nowhere. At least, it has in the past. In hospital, I became very compliant. I didn't have the energy to fight the doctors and nurses (one of these days, I may tell you how I terrorized the maternity ward when my children were born and got "released" 3 days early after a c-section, just to get me out of there). Thinking was difficult, so I just sort of let the world carry me along for the ride. My family knew I was doing better when I reclaimed the word "no." But I still had not gotten back to "NO, or else," like the women in my family have used for generations. I still haven't gotten there. I don't seem to want to. Even "no" is no longer concrete, like it used to be. Now it's a matter of "no, unless you can have a better idea." The ideas don't even seem to have to be very good ones. As soon as I am faced with one, it is just easier and less draining to say, "ok, we'll try it your way." I figure, I can always change my decission later. Usually I can. The kids will attest that I was always the one who had to be in control of every situation. Vacations were not taken without my planning every little activity down to hte minute. The 1 year that the kids and Sam decided they were going to boycott the agenda, I simply told them, on day 3, that if I couldn't plan, orchestrate or organize at least 1 activity during this vacation, I would go homicidally insane and they would be my first targets. Their reply was "so, Mom, what would you like to do tomorrow?" Those days seem to be gone. Now, I beg for a weekend where we don't go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything in particular, just a weekend to relax. A vacation doing nothing sounds like a really good thing to me, and I don't mind playing most days "by ear." I had to win every arguement. I simply didn't argue if I didn't feel absolutely certain that I was arguing for the "right" side of things. I became an expert at trapping people in their own logic circles, and never failed to use their words against them, the minute I judged it to be most advantageous. I took a lot of pride in the fact that I had honed my memory to the point where it was near idedic. I could give date, time and place for every supporting arguement, and throw in details like what people were wearing, or what the places looked like, and I split hairs so finly it would have taken an electron microscope to see them. My mother always told me I missed a good chance at being a lawyer. Now, I openly admit that I have forgotten many things. I laugh it off to having "stroked" that memory away. The minute an arguement looks like it might break out, all I want to do is get out of the room to avoid it. God forbid someone raise their voice. It almost physically hurts me to be around anger or negativity. I just want everything calm, relaxed, and pleasant. Where I once would be the first to tell some one exactly how I felt about something, now I'd rather keep my opinion to myself, in the interest of peace. And, oddly enough, if I can't get away from the stress, I end up crying huge sobbing tears to the point I start to sputter and choke. It isn't on purpose. Stress just really bothers me that much now, where in the past, I'd have eaten it as a snack, and spat out the seeds on my way to tackling something else. If the sun was up, so was I. There were things that needed to get done, and only so many hours in the day. Product of growing up in the country. Though, my mother says I have always been a morning person. Well, not any more. I've been know, recently, to get out of bed to deal with the animals, then go back to sleep for several hours. If something doesn't get done today, it can wait until tomorrow. Even my creative endeavors had to be "perfect." I can't tell you how many sketch books I have with nothing but sketches of 1 body part, or 1 object, over and over, on page after page, until I felt I had finally gotten it "right." And I have never been a "realist" artist. I am a Surrealist artist - a subset of the broader "Impressionist" genra. But, I had to have "perfection" even in portraying the emotions and ideas behind the work, instead of trying to make it as "real" as real life. Now, the "mistakes" seem to only enhance the work, not take away from it, like I once believed. A year ago, if anyone had told me I'd even be contemplating medical retirement, I'd have said they were crazy. Now, it looks better and better, the closer it gets to the time when I will be able to do it. Days spent in relaxation - more than a weekend at a time...oh that sounds like a beautiful idea! Basically, since the stroke, I seem to have let go of a lot of my "Type A" tendanceies. I don't even miss them. Life seems so much better when it is relaxed. Uptight and hectic just feels like it takes too much out of me.

I live in Tampa, FL. Survivor since 12/26/2010. Would love to attend! Please send info!!

Friday evening, we went to a fish-fry at the church. To go back a pace or two, it seems the Daughters of the King had a round table meeting that included a discussion about my attending with Monster. We were not well received on Easter Sunday, and I have not been back since then. In the meeting, it was very clearly stated to everyone present that Monster is my service animal, and as such, it is my legal right to have him with me, anywhere the public is allowed. That means in the sanctuary, the parish hall, the kitchen, the classrooms, the bathrooms, the offices, basically anywhere on the grounds at all. If people are uncomfortable, then they need to deal with their issues themselves. They cannot ask me to remove my dog. They cannot question why I have the dog, they cannot make any "suppositions" with or without what they believe is "informed knowledge," at all to me. People are free to ask me how we are doing as a team, or what kind of service dog he is, but that is it. The rest is to be left alone unless I choose to explain it. Apparently, our priest was very upset that I, who has been attending this church ever since my father-in-law retired as rector of the other Episcopal church in Tampa, was treated so poorly by those who consider themselves to be "high members of the church family." I'm told she had a good bit to say about pride and judgement in her sermons the past several Sundays. My mother-in-law, who is a member of the Daughters of the King, was in attendance at that meeting. She called us later in the week to "invite" us to go to the fish fry. Even I have learned, over the past 8 years, when to recognize that my mother-in-law is voluntelling us to do something. We didn't try to decline. OK, back to Friday evening. We got there only a little bit early, but I think that was part of my family's plan. Sam's parents seated us at the head table. I chose a back corner, where Mon and I were a little more out of the way, my back wasn't to anyone, and, being left-handed, wasn't going to bump into anyone while eating. About 10 minutes after we got there and got settled, people started pouring in. Everyone was all smiles and "nice to see you, you're looking really good!" Then they turned their attention to Mon, "Oh hi there, Monster! You're such a pretty boy," and to me, "is he working or can I say hello to him?" I gave Mon the command to be social. He sat up (from laying on the nice cool tiles of the Parish hall floor), and sniffed hands, allowed pets, and gave little licks to extended hands. Once all of the fuss over him was through, I gave him a treat - chicken jerky (his favorite), and Mon happily laid back down. Our priest cam out of the kitchen for a few minutes and sat down in a chair at the end of the table. Mon lives Rev. E, so he sat up, tail wagging. She gave him the command to put his paws in her lap and hugged and petted him, getting her face washed by him licking her. Then she gave him the command to get off of her lap. I taught them to her when we were all over at my Sam's parent's house for their anniversary dinner. I think she did it to make a point, but I didn't care. Monster was being well received, which is all that mattered. He did get a little antsy, so I took him for a walk all over the church grounds. Mon seems to be developing his prey instinct. He's taken notice of birds and likes to try to flush htem out of bushes and trees. That is the Lab in his mix. So, after chasing a few blue jays out of their perches, we were ready to go back in. Mon was thirsty, so I filled his water dish, while he lapped water from the bottle as I poured it. Everyone was amazed that a dog could "drink from a bottle." I told them it wasn't something I taught him. He did it instictually, which is true. Now everyone thinks Mon is just the smartest and best behaved dog around. Fine by me. It keeps them from complaining about him. We got home around 8:00 in the evening. Sam really wanted to go out and do something, but I had a terrible headache, and felt about as tired as I did just coming out of hospital. I told him to call a friend and have a good time. I was going to bed. By 8:30 I was asleep, and slept until about a quarter of 11, the next morning. Saturday was spent napping on and off, literally all day long, and I ended up in bed for the night at about 8:30 again. I slept right through until 9 Sunday morning. We didn't go to service on Sunday, but that was because I really needed to get the things I hadn't, the day before, done. So I worked on the house chores, stopping every several minutes to just sit. I couldn't get over the tired feeling. Sam came home and helped me with laundry. Then, later in the evening, as is our usual routine, we took Mon to the dog park. As is the usual routine, he desparately needed a bath by the time we got home. So into the shower, bathe teh dog, dry him, then clean up the bathroom. After that, I went to bed again. I'm in the office today, but I just plain feel worn out. I'm having a little trouble seeing straight from time to time too. But I have an optical apointment on Wednesday, and an appointment with Doctor Mike on Friday. I'll make sure they both give me a good once over, just to make sure everything is ok.

I read all of the blogs every day. I'm still early in my recovery - 5 months in - and I look for insight to the emotional as well as physical aspects of life after stroke. I like reading about the personal successes and setbacks because it gives me hope, or it makes me feel less alone in all of this. Reading the blogs also makes me feel like I know the people I talk to on the chats. The people here have become extensions of my family. I want to know what is going on in their lives.

Sam and I went over to friends' house last night. We had a good time, chatting and playing cards. It was nice to get out. On the way home, I was sort of babbling about things I have read on this site, and things said in the afternoon chat. Sam and I usually don't talk about anything stroke related, unless we have to. I mentioned my post about feeling a little overwhelmed and that as if the fact that I had a stroke is always "right in my face." GOing on, I whistfully sighed and told Sam I feel like I would love to have just 1 day where the fact that I had a stroke didn't intrude on my life - just 1 day. The whole time, Sam drove quietly, letting me get everything out, then, when I was done, all he said was "I understand." So I asked Sam, "how come it is that you and I never discuss life after stroke?" "Well, baby, I just thought it might be good for you to have 1 person to talk to who didn't bring up the fact that you had a stroke." I was stunned. It never dawned on me that Sam might be doing that. Sometimes, I have felt as if Sam is just like everyone else - in denial of the fact, because I don't really have any "visable" deficits. I never thought to think that he would be trying to give me a little "normalcy" by not discussing the 60-ton gorilla in the room. After all, we both know it's there. He still has to catch me from time to time, or I will fall over. I still get exhausted very easily and I still use the wrong words for things. He lives with it every day of our life, just like I do. I never thought to suppose that he was trying to make life as much the way as it used to be - minus the chaos of 3 teen-agers and various friends, as he could for me. That is so sweet!!!!!!!!! I didn't know how to process that last night, so I just thanked Sam and told him I love him. I had to sleep on that one to really understand it. This morning, it is so much more meeningful to me. What a wonderful thing Sam has been trying to give me, that little place of "refuge," so to speak, from having had a stroke, 1 place, 1 person, where I'm not reminded, all of the time, that I had a stroke. That man can be so amazingly wonderful some times!

A whole lot has happened in my world since Christmas. I had a stroke I found Stroke Net I went back to work My daughter got engaged and moved into her own apartment with her fiancee My oldest son moved into his own apartment I got a service dog I had another stroke My youngest son moved into his sister's apartment My grandfather's estate is ready to be finally settled It's only been 5 months since all of this happened. Sometimes I look around and I ask myself how in the world I am handling all of this. Other days I ask myself how in the world I'm going to handle all of this. It depends on my energy level at the time. Wow, the past 5 months have been a rollar coaster. What will the next 5 months be? Not as up and down, I hope. I could stand for a little calm and steady for a while. I guess, I'm looking at all of this because, for so much to happen in so short a period of time, it all seems like it's just too much. I feel like a giant wave keeps scrashing over me, just as soon as I finally have my breath back from the last one. It's just too much. I'm exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can keep up the pace. Sometimes even posting comments to the forum threads seems like it will take more than I have to give. Even the number of times I post to my blog a week has gone down. Do we hit rough patches, like this, in the recovery process? Are there going to be times when we just feel too tired or too stressed to do even the simple little things? Will this too pass? Probably, the answer to all of these questions is "yes." At least, I hope it is. If it weren't, it might signal that the whole heart thing is really catching up to me again. I hope not. Yes, I plan to ask my doctor about it on teh 27th, at my next appointment. I just have to get there.

I still have those days too. In fact, Saturday night, with no help from the weather, or anything/one else, I had one of those evenings. And just like you, I am a very spiritual person and believe that thre is still healing for me. I guess, every now and then, we have to pay a little sadness for all of the happiness/positive energy we pull from inside, Heaven, and everywhere else, to be able to maintain that upbeat personality. Everything in balance. The sad, frustrated, hurting times are the times I look to this board and the blogs for comfort and the ability to push through the sadness too. I always find it, especially with those survivors I have a bond. Know that you are one of them! Feel better. We all have blue days. That's why we are all in my prayers. hugs, Lydi

One of my co-workers doesn't like me, on principle. She even gave my daughter a hard time when she started working here, just because she is my daughter, but that is a story for another time. Now she is taking aim at me again. I've been "loaned out" to the workforce dept. for a while, to help them get things caught up. I'm working attendance exceptions for them. It isn't rocket science. But that affects this one co-worker's agents' attendance. So she is writing nastygrams to my boss and everyone she can think of, telling them that I need more training because I don't know what I am doing. The fact of the matter is, I"m doing EXACTLY what I was trained to do. She just didn't read the latest emails about policy changes, so she THINKS I've made a mistake. I haven't, and that was proven by a member of the workforce team this morning when he went over what I did for last week. This one co-worker is just being a queen B with an itch. Thay is, after all, her typical personality. I could tell stories, but that too is a post for another time. So, because this 1 co-worker is yelling and screaming, instead of simply saying "I was wrong, I'm sorry," the head of the workforce dept., now, doesn'st trust that I can perform what is, basically, a simple task. So she and my boss have now decided "I need to be monitored." Everything I do is being sceond guessed and my accuracy is being constantly called into question. the next 2.5 months can't go by quick enough for me. I'm wondering if the p[ressure is being added on, to make me unable to do my job, and force me into a layoff situation. They won't get me to quit before I am ready. If I leave here before August, it will be as elidgeble for unemployment benifits. You can count on that. And, because of the stroke, Medicade will pick me up so that I can continue to see my doctors. So, they can complain about my quality, or the lack thereof, for as long as they want to. They can go to HR and complain every day from now until the day they decide that they can no longer afford to keep me on. I won't quit. They don't get that satisfaction. But the fact that I even question if this is what is being done, bothers me. I've given 13+ years of devoted service to this scompany. I deserve to be treated better. Just because I am not able, right now, to perform at the "miles above what is expected," for the first time in 13 years, does not mean I am suddenly being lazy. It means I had a traumatic brain injury - called a stroke, and that takes a long time to heal. It just upsets me that there are people in my office so insensitive and self-absorbed, as to be so nasty. But for the grace of God go they. Did they ever stop to think about that? And the co-worker who started all of this has a husband who is a STROKE SURVIVOR, for Pete's sake! She, of all people, should understand. But no, she is just as I described her, a bitter, resentful, self-absorber b with an itch! Her personality is almost enough to make me think very un-Christian thoughts and wish very un-Christian things to her. But I won't give her that satisfaction either! I keep telling myself that "what you put out in the universe, you get back." One of these days, all of this negative energy she has pointed toward so many people will come back and she will have to deal with it. "Sooner or later, everybody's bill comes due." I don't think she has any idea how big her bill is!

Monster is sleeping not more than 2 feet away from me, Cally is in hte food bowl again, Nikki is asleep in Oni's spot in hte den, Oni is taking up my entire lap (and making it a little hard to type). Sam is off to day 2 of his advanced motorcycle rider's class.I've run aload of dishes and a load of laundry. I'm exhausted and really should lay down for a nap. Yesterday, I took Mon to the vet - clean bill of health, only 1 little pelota that is undersized for his age, leaving questions about his verility and the need to neuter him at all, and 50 pounds of nice lean muscle. He's doing beautifully. After we came home, I ran a load of dishes and pretty much, we just layed around hte house watching movies and listening to hte thunderstorm. Sam came home from his class about 5pm. We went grocery shopping after that. I was exhauste by the time we got home. I hadn't really done anything all day and was ready to call it a night already. I haven 't really done anything today, either, and all I want to dois sleep. Sam says that is because I need to recover from my week at the office. Does it really leave me so depleted? Sam says it does and I'm just starting to really notice it, since things have started to quiet down and I'm not pushing myself til I hit a proverbial wall and "tap out" for the day. I don't know, maybe he is right. I guess I just didn't expect to be this tired, nearly 5 months post. Maybe I was fooling myself. I'm not 20 and in athlete shape any more. But I just feel like I should have more energy than I seem to have. What do I know? there are people here who are years post and haven't gotten their energy back. Maybe retirement really is the best thing for me. I guess I'm just having one of my blue days, and that what has my spirits down. I keep telling myself that I'm doing really well for so short a period of time post. After all, I went back to work at all and I've managed to be able to do 30 hours, even if I am very tired at he end of th week. I'm allowed to drive again, even if it is for short distances. I can drive again. I'm not using the rollator very often, just Monster and a cane. I'm getting used to the difference in vision, and while I may not be able to read for long periods of time, I can read still. Audiobooks aren't a need, they are a want for the sake of ease. I'm still improving, I just get tired a lot easier and a lot sooner than I used to. I've come a long way in only 5 months. I'm really blessed to be doing so well. I guess, sometimes, I just need to remind myself that. Right now, I think I need that nap.

Yesterday was Thursday, which, as many people know, is one of the days that I take Monster to the office. I guess spring was in the air, or he is entering his "teen-ager" stage at 5.5 months old now, or both. Anyhow, he didn't settle into his normal work attitude, preferring to coax me into taking him outside more often than our every 2 hour schedule and playing "fetch the stick." OK, fine. I sent him home with Sam at lunch time. No point in getting us both wound up and frustrated. He was all wiggles and excitement when I got home yesterday afternoon, but settled into the typical evening routine. That is, until about 7 pm. Then he staged a "mad puppy hour" by running all over the apartment, out into the garden and back again, like he was practicing for next year's Kentuckey Derby. Sam and I looked at eachother and said "we need to take him to the park now!" Well, apparently he has learned the word park because once we said it, he was all jumps in the air and barks. It took a few minutes to get him settled down enough to get a lead on him. But, lead on, we were out to the suv and off to the park. One of his favorite playmates and her doggy momma were just leaving when we arrived. As soon as Monster and Max saw eachother, they were trying to run and play, before either could be let off their lead. So Max got to stay a while longer and play with Monster. All the dogs seemed a little more hyper than normal, as we could tell by Smoochie wanting to get into the frey. She is a 12 year old lab mix who typically contents herself to sitting and watching the younger dogs. Last night, however, was a different story. Well, the craziness insued harmlessly for about an hour of so. Then it sort of went a little off. Monster was clipped and rolled by one of the dogs in the pack as they raced around. He went onto his back, as normal. But unlike normal, there were suddenly 5 dogs with noses in his soft, exposed underbelly. Mon decided that was his cue to separate, so he wiggled free and ran to the other side of the field, to the water fountain. But the pack mentality had already set in and 2 males, one pit and one shepard, got into it. These things happen from time to time when the dogs get too crazy. Usually it is stopped by a couple of harsh words from both doggy parents. However, the shepard in question does not listen well to his doggy momma - who never really asserts herself as pack leader to her dog. The squabble didn't stop. So everyone BUT the shepard's human jumped in to keep other dogs out of the arguement and to separate the 2 who were snarling. The pit out and on his lead, the shepard went after a boarder collie. Still no intervention from the shepard's momma. Sam jumped in and grabbed the shepard, while the collie's daddy tried to get him up and out of harm's way. Unfortunately, the shepard broke free and the collie's daddy missed him. Those two were a tangle again. So finally, when the collie's daddy was able to get the shepard by the collar, and then get his collie up onto his shoulder, the shepard's momma decided she needed to step in. Sam had grabbed the shepard's collar agaion to keep him from jumping at the collie's daddy. The fight was now over, but all doggie parents were keeping close eye on their animals, to make sure they all settled down. Monster was as far away from the situation as he could get, exploring the fence on the other side of the field. I told Sam that Monster didn't have an angry bone in his body. Well, things settled down and after about 15 minutes or so, even Monster was back in the fold of the pack. The pit momma had separated hers from the group, and the collie daddy had gotten onto the shepard momma's case about not controlling her animal - rightfully so. Embarrassed and upset, the shepard momma took her dog and left. There were no more group chases the rest of tehnight. The dogs seemed content to break off into pairs or trios to play. Monster hooked up with a couple of the younger dogs. He seems to feel safer with dogs his age or a little younger. But he can also be a little overbearing to younger dogs. He likes to play hard. He was pining a 3-month-old shepard pup. The pup yelped and that was my cue to step in. I called Mon and he chose to ignore me. Big mistake. I grabbed his collar and droped him to the ground, holding him there until he calmed down. I don't stand for being ignored, and I don't care if I come up bruised in the process of showing a dog who is the pack leader. Well, when I let Mon up, he went straight back to the shepard pup and started in again. So I grabbed him again and told him to sit. He wouldn't. So I pressed on his butt and repeated the command. This time, he sat. I told him to stay. He wouldn't. So I repeated the process until I got his cooperation and he gave me a good, solid stay while I walked 20 feet away. Then I gave him the release command and told him he could go play. No problems from him for another good half hour. It was dark by the time we left. We got home, got everyone fed, then did the bath ritual with Monster. He doesn't love baths, but he'll tolerate them. HE much rather just play in the bath tub, or any pooled water, for that matter. The whole point of last night, as my title would imply, is that I have discovered that I haven't quite gotten my "land legs" back. When we got to the park, I didn't use my cane. I walked by myself. I did ok across the asphault of the parking lot, and the concrete of the staging area outside of the dog park field. I was a little wobbly on the grass of the field. On the sand traps, well, that was another story. I also wasn't to good after periods of time. However, when I needed to deal with an animal, well, balance be darned. I was going to make sure my animal stayed controlled. Part of taking Monster to the ground was my wanting to impress upon him that I was the leader, part was that I fell. The dog didn't know that, and I don't think any of the other humans did either, with the exception of Sam - who knew right away. At least I know that, with a little help, if I need to, I can handle training a dog, even when they don't want to listen. I'm really starting to feel confident that I can do what I plan to do in my retirement. I guess, next time, I'll remember my cane, for now.

Kellie, I had a bad experience on Easter Sunday when I took Monster to church. We didn't stay for service and I haven't been to services since then because I'm still too emotional to deal with it. IT's just the way things are for us. Let yourself have time for it to sting less, then when you feel like you can handle having a talk with your brother-in-law, use one of the Sunday family dinners, and your mother or father-in-law as a mediator, to put everything on the table with him. If that doesn't work, then consider no longer attending the dinners. You don't deserve to be baited by anyone like that, no matter what. Love you, Lydi

Oh I have tears of JOY!!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing!!!! I am happier than I have words to know that this is something that brings you and Bruce joy and satisfaction. I hope and pray it continues to be a good experience for both of you. Hugs to all!!! Lydi

I spoke to my mother yesterday. After I had my stroke and rushed back to work, I discovered that it took more out of me than anyone thought it would. I managed to get up to 30 hours a week, so that I could maintain my insurance and benifits. But, believe me, it has been and continues to be a struggle. I know my quality has suffered and I am just too tired after work to do much of anything around the house. Even working with Monster is starting to feel more like a chore than a help. I talked to Sam, the kids and the rest of my family and made the decision that when my grandfather's estate was dispersed, I would go ahead and take medical retirement. I needed to make sure we could continue to pay our bills until that happened, so I continued to work. OK, now for the conversation with my mother yesterday. The estate is ready to be dispursed. I've given my mother power of attorny for me so that she can handle going to Puerto Rico and settling my part of the estate. My sister has done the same. She will make the trip at the end if July, and the rstate will be settled at that time. Which means that when she comes home, everything will be in place, financially, for me to retire. It looks like I will be leaving the office at the beginning of August. I have about 2.5 months left, then I never "work another day in my life," and go on to become a professional dog trainer. I'm not the type to sit still, never have been. Wow. I knew it was coming, but there was still a part of it that seemed a little surreal. Now that I have a pretty firm timeline, it is finally starting to feel like it is really happening.

I'm tired of talking about all things Stroke. Sometimes, even reading the intor posts from newbies, it all just seems so overwhelming. There is never a break from stroke, the fact that I had one, the deficits that I'm left delaing with, the questions from coworkers and even complete strangers about why I use a rollator, or a cane, or why I have Monster. I'm even tired of answering the question "how are you feeling?" Can there be 1 day, just 1 day when stroke doesn't seem to take up so much of my time/mind? Or am I asking too much? I can't even go to breakfast with my kids to celebrate Mother's Day without it intruding. We were sitting in a family run diner, Sam, the kids and me, with Monster quietly laying at my feet, when the comotion started. One of the patrons at the table next to us suddenly realized there was a dog lying under our table and started to make a scene. The waitress quickly told the patron that the dog is a service dog, however, if they were not comfortable sitting next to our table, she would gladly move this patron and her party. Well, I suppose, as not to look like some undesireble sort, she told the waitress that she and her party were fine where they were. She hadn't realized the dog was a service animal. As if one could miss the big blue vest with "Service Dpg" embroydered white on black on it. Anyway, she sat back down, but continued her commentary on the dog to the rest of her party, after the waitress left. My family and I tried to ignore it. Well, I guess, after some time, she just could not let the sleeping (and he was sleeping by then) dog lie. She had tio have the "last word." She leaned over and without so much as an "excuse me" interjected herself into our conversation with a "If no one is blind, why does one of you have a service dog?" Logan chose to handle this one by politely teling her, "service dogs do assistance tasks for more than just seing impared people. My mom's dog helps her with balance and mobility." "If that was true, she wouldn't also have a cane, young man." "Ma'm, my mom and her dog have only been a team for a month. They are still getting used to each other and the dog still has some training to do." "Well, I don't believe you and I don't think that dog should be allowed in here wher there is food." At which point my daughter pipes up," Do you have a pet dog?" "Yes." "Does it come into the kitchen where you cook or does it sit under your dining table?" "Well, of course he does. He is the family pet." "Well, isn't there food in your kitchen or at your dining table?" "Well yes, but....." "Ma'am, my mom is legally entitled to have her service dog with her where ever public access is allowed, including at restaurants. If you have a problem, please take it up with the management. We are trying to celebrate Mother's Day with our mom. I'll thank you not ot inturrupt our time together any more." "Yes, well what makes her even need a service dog? She looks perfectly normal to me." "My mother has had 2 strokes since Christmas. That's why we are making a big deal out of Mother's Day for her. We came close to not having her this year." Laney has always been the straight-to-the-point type, where Logan and Garion try to educate everyone. Anyhow, at that time, the rest of her party (her family, I'm presuming) decided that it was time to go and told her to leave us alone and come with them. As They were leaving, one of them mouthed "I'm so sorry" at Logan and Laney. Laney got up and followed them to the register to pay for our meals. She said the woman was still rattling on about how "that dog shouldn't be allowed in a public place," with her family telling her to shut up and stop being so ignorant and mean. I got that kind of reception when Momster and I went to church on Easter morning. I was so upset that we didn't stay for the service, but went home and I haven't gone back the last 2 sundays because it still upsets me so much. That came out yesterday evening when we at Sam's parents' house. Apparently, my in-laws have had a thing or two to say to the people of our church about how they treated me Easter morning. They also told me I shouldn't try to be so accomodating about Monster. He is there for my well being and that is my right. I should just tell people that if they have a problem with the dog beingf in service or coffee hour, they need to take it up with out priest. From what they told me, our priest is ali ready to politely tell any of them to live in the spirit of love and acceptance, and get over themselves. Hearing that made me smile. But it still leaves me feeling drained of spirit to have to talk about, every day, in some manner, the fact that I had a stroke and am now living with the deficits as best as I can - even though some of those ways, like Monster, are really successful ways. For just 1 day, just 1, can some one not ask me a question or start a conversation that has anything to do with anything associated with my stroke?