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I'm so glad you have made it through both eye surgeries and are showing improvement on both sides. That is just great. ~~Donna

Super job! You are walking well. Keep it up because you are making progress. ~~Donna

Wonderful news! I hope all your great grands have the opportunity to learn life's lessons from you. Congratulations! ~~Donna

I've heard it said that when you've seen one stroke, you've seen one stroke. They are all so different. I think the same is true with grieving. The process is yours and yours is unique. You need the time you need and no one else can possibly have all the variables of your life experience. I remember the benefit you felt from the grief counselor and wonder if returning to her might be helpful. You won't become permanently dependent. If you just rely on your own physical and emotional cues you will know when you've received what you need from her. I have wondered also about your insight of how caregivers manage stroke recovery. All the losses come in stages throughout a long period of time but we don't have time or energy to grieve those losses as they come. Perhaps that delayed grieving is more intense once it is fully in front of us. Or perhaps grieving is just intense no matter when it comes to us. "How does a past middle aged woman reorient herself to a new life?" One day at a time. I'm not sure the age makes much difference. Anyone who is suddenly thrust into a new world feels disoriented and must take time to create a life that fits the new experience. You will find your way. I am convinced of it. Give yourself all kinds of grace. ~~Donna

How wonderful that you were able to have that visit with your sisters! Great picture! Rest as you need to--even though I haven't had a stroke I sure do understand how those visits can be exhausting as well as fun. ~~Donna

My prayers are with you. I know you are tired. Praying for strength and peace for you and a gentle passing for your brother. It is all so hard. ~~Donna

Thanks for the update, Jamie. Good news on the carotid front. It must be a relief to know they are clear. The cardiomyopathy is unfortunate. Lauren's heart was also damaged by his heart attack and we have had the discussion with our cardiologist about a defibrillator. His ejection fraction was 35% last check. We'll not do it now but may need to reevaluate one day. In your case, it sounds like a good idea. I know aggressive treatment can help. We had a friend who had an EF of 15% and he has improved a lot with good treatment. I hope that will be true for you too. ~~Donna

Mary Jo, you and Dan remain in my thoughts and prayers. The rocky recovery is so stressful. It must be so hard to see him confused and disoriented. Take care of yourself best you can. ~~Donna

When you're given a gift you just go with it! Thank goodness for wonderful neighbors with front end loaders! ~~Donna

What a beautiful story of caring. You were exactly what he needed at just the right moment. You may never know how much good you did on Thursday but the effect of your compassion and wisdom will continue far beyond the day. Thanks for sharing. ~~Donna

Glad for the update. I have been thinking of you guys. It sounds like little Quincy is providing just the entertainment and companionship you need. That is great! I know you are still taking Dan's recovery a day at a time but so far so good. Grateful for that. Just don't take on more than you can in his homecoming. I know I've been guilty of thinking I can handle things then finding out I can't. Good for you for taking advantage of some more relaxed days. Just a lazy morning can be so refreshing! All the best as recovery continues. ~~Donna

So glad you had a good time. Good insight, too, on the surprise aspect. You are right. I guess sometimes surprises are not welcome. He needed to know. Successful day for sure! ~~Donna

What wonderful news! What a great celebration you guys planned. Makes me smile to read of your wedding. Best wishes. ~~Donna

Hmmm. Perhaps I'll just stop complaining about our rugged weather in the 40's, gloomy, and rainy. That would seem divine to you northerners with 16 inches of snow. Craziness. Here's hoping the worst of your problems continues to be April cleaning house like a mad woman! When someone wants to clean my house, they can do it any way they want!! ~~Donna

One of the things I have loved reading about in your recent blogs is the connection and time spent with your grandkids. I have missed the frequent care I gave to the two closest to us (in distance). I used to have them over quite regularly and now it is rare that I see them without their parents. I'm sure your grands are happy to see more of you. I imagine you would be a wonderful pastoral visitor for those you mentioned. Besides your natural capacity for that sort of thing, you have learned a lot about long-term illness and how it affects people. Everybody benefits from a care-filled visit. Enjoy the good weather while it lasts. Gardens and warm, sunny days are so refreshing. ~~Donna

One of my favorite times is early Spring when I can get the pansies out on my deck. We went to the nursery last week and picked out the pansies but then we had bad storm predictions with hail so I delayed putting them in the pots. Yesterday Lauren's sister and brother-in-law came over to give me some time away and I came home to potted pansies! Wonderful help that made me smile. Pansies always make me smile. They don't last into the hot summer around here but I enjoy them all through Spring. Today is wonderful weather so I've had a bit of time out on my deck while Lauren watches TV. It's still too cool for him to enjoy the deck. I went to see my therapist yesterday while Lauren was cared for by his sister. It's been many months since I've seen her but this person has been someone I've seen in times past and she knows me pretty well. I've asked her to keep watch on how I'm doing during this very stressful time of life. In my last post I mentioned how low energy I've been lately and that things seem more difficult than normal. I've been quite short-tempered over things I need to be more compassionate about. She, of course, wants me to go on something. Antidepressant, mood-booster, I'm not sure what and she's not qualified to prescribe so she wants me to go to my doctor and ask for something. And I'm supposed to call her when I've had my appointment. Keeping my feet to the fire. But I asked her to do just that. I am very resistant to taking something for depression. I guess I want to believe I can manage the things that trouble me in other ways. I guess not now. So stroke has resulted in me needing to take blood pressure pills and anti-depressants. I don't like it. But I have to stay healthy as possible both physically and emotionally so I guess it must be. I have a friend from California coming for a visit this afternoon. She's staying with us for a week. She'll be attending a conference so I won't see her a lot but I am so glad to have her coming and being able to visit in person some of the time this week. I've also gotten some extra private duty so I can attend an event with her this week. She is a good friend who I don't see often. This will be a good week of sharing. Lauren is sitting all off kilter these days. He leans way left in his wheelchair. I must remind him to shift right 8 times an hour or more. He shifts and then immediately begins drifting back left again. It's quite a bit more profound than usual. He has severe left neglect so that has to be related to it but it has increased. He has no awareness of his position. I don't know whether to be concerned or just chalk it up to the side affects of stroke. He has an appointment with his neurologist in two weeks. Probably wait till then to address it.

Tornado warnings really scare me now. We have a great basement space that's completely protected but no way Lauren can get there. We have just tried to find the most protected space on the main floor and pad it, hope for the best. Keep the meds in a nearby closet. "Doctors appts from one end to the other"--LOL! That's our life! We also have increasing issues with choking. I don't like it at all. Another big fear of mine. Thankfully, the ambulance is nearby so response time is fast. I haven't had to call them for Lauren's choking yet but have been heading to the phone several times when he finally cleared his airway. Our weather this weekend is wonderful for sitting out on the deck. I'm all over that. Gives my spirits a boost. Still a bit chilly for Lauren, though. He is very sensitive to cold right now and doesn't like it outside unless it's 80 degrees with no breeze. Hope you get some outside time together this weekend. ~~Donna

I really hope you got your sleep and a good bath. Getting someone to come in so you can do that is just what is needed with all you've been doing. I can certainly understand why you are cutting some corners on the meal front. Not to worry. Be guilt free. You've not been feeling well and something usually has to give when we are not in top form. Give yourself that extra time until you begin to feel better. I've only had two times when I was really sick since Lauren's stroke. Couldn't take care of Lauren in any way. I had to call in emergency private duty. Thankfully both times were rather quickly resolved. It would be nice if we could guarantee we wouldn't ever have times of illness but it isn't going to happen! I hope the rest of the weekend goes well! ~~Donna

Excellent! What creativity in getting something you need while also attending to Dan. Just excellent! I hope a new doctor can see a new way to treat Dan that will turn things around. You are certainly due for a turn-around. ~~Donna

I'll be happy to remember you in prayer on the 18th and beyond. Lauren had cataract surgery and it was good for him. Best wishes! ~~Donna

It does sound like you have a lot going on! Your little guy seems to be in great hands. I find it interesting that he does better in school at night. Homeschooling is just the thing for being responsive to the particular needs of a student. It would be so nice if schools could figure out how to individualize their education just a bit more. Best wishes! ~~Donna

I haven't blogged in a while so thought I'd try to give an update. We are still in recovery mode from that lumbar compression fracture last October. The acute issue is resolved. He's no longer in pain and has returned to pre-fracture condition mostly. He's still getting some outpatient PT. This may be our last week and I'm okay with that. For the first time ever, I think we've reached a point where I can walk with him by myself and manage pulling the wheelchair behind without fear of him falling. I did go and get a heavy duty wide-based quad cane. That seems to be the ticket for more manageable walking. The hemi-walker is just too cumbersome and the small-based quad cane we had was just too flimsy. This one works well. Our main PT has been pretty good but I had a bad experience with the one who was supposed to be a back-up. She sat down with us for 5 minutes and then began peppering me with suggestions about how I could accomplish all the things I have found it hard to do--like walking with him by myself. None of the barriers I put on the table were considered valid. She could hardly hold back the scorn for me as a caregiver. That episode set me back for a good week. I was mad at her and also questioned myself. I allowed her to make me feel like the lowest life-form on the planet. She could figure out how awful a caregiver I was in just 5 minutes? Really? Without even knowing Lauren and the effect of his deficits? Without ever working with him even for 5 minutes? She worked with him another couple of times when the regular PT was gone. Then I went and requested a schedule that would only be with the regular PT. That has worked and my blood pressure is back to normal. She's the first person in all his rehab experiences who has been like that with me. Oh well, it takes all kinds to make up a world, I guess. Lauren has another UTI. Story of our life. This one has some very resistant bacteria. He's been through one round of oral antibiotics. One of the bugs got knocked out but not the other. Tomorrow we have to go to the outpatient surgery area for the placement of a PICC line (longer lasting IV) so he can get IV antibiotics for 10 days. I get to administer those once everything gets established. I'm good with that. One thing I do feel comfortable with. These UTI's do worry me. One day there could be a bug that's resistant to everything. He's about there now. I've spent the last several weeks in the most depressed state I've been in since the stroke. For the first time I have wondered if I need to get on an anti-depressant. I don't want to do that even though I know it might be necessary. Time will tell. I do see a therapist every once in a while. I've asked her to keep tabs on me and let me know if I'm heading down a worrisome path unaware. I don't get in to see her very often these days but I still try to check in every couple of months. Self-care has been a very important issue for me in my pre-stroke life. The American culture glorifies busy-ness to the point it is unhealthy, even deadly. I think it's easy for us caregivers to fall into that trap and give ourselves away completely to the one in our care who is so vulnerable and needy. We deplete ourselves to the point of illness or injury. I don't think that serves us or our loved ones in any good way. I can't go 24/7 without a break. I need time away from this caregiving and I have been blessed to have family and friends that help me get it. Beyond that, I pay for private duty as I can afford to get assistance with Lauren and additional time away. Next week there is an event on an evening I don't have help. I rarely go beyond the schedule but this event is one I know I will be sad about missing. So I've arranged private duty for that night and I'm going. Expensive night out? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely. ~~Donna

Yes, the paramedics know us well. For someone who was once an ER nurse who never, once, called an ambulance in all her child-raising years, I sure have made up for it in the last 2 or so. I'm sure grateful for them, though. I have a lot of fears about the things that can happen in our home with Lauren's multiple health issues but choking is high on the list. When one of our grandsons was in my care (he was about a year and a half), he choked on a small bite of apple and it was really bad. I called 911 (again, something I never did). By the time they got here, he had managed to cough it out. Scared me beyond all kind of scared. Choking still sends me into a frenzy. I've not quite figured out how to effectively do the heimlich with Lauren in a wheelchair but I'd have to give my best shot if it ever comes to that. Good luck on the gathering with the kids. I hope it goes well and that they do see how things are there. I think our kids have trouble seeing us vulnerable and in need of help. I'm sure it will be good for both of you to be with them. ~~Donna

What a cute little puppy! I'm sure he'll bring lots of joy to your home. I will be keeping you and Dan in my prayers on the 18th and beyond. It sounds like a big deal but the best of the options open to you. These decisions are never easy to make. We continue to do the best we can with the information we have. I'll be thinking of you. ~~Donna

You just keep doing what is right for you and Dan, Nancy. We all have different points where it becomes unmanageable. You have an amazing capacity to handle a very difficult situation. I keep Lauren at home for the very same reason you gave. I know he is better off at home. No doubt about it. Lauren is much easier to get along with than your Dan, though, so even though I feel strained and stretched it is nothing like what you are going through. When I was going through the process of consulting with the elder law attorney, someone told me to be prepared for him to tell me that I would need to get a divorce to protect our assets. The attorney didn't even mention that but just the suggestion that it might come up sent me into a major tailspin. I thought about it long and hard and came to the conclusion that making that decision would ruin me too. It was a complete no-go for me, no matter the financial consequences. I think it's important to know what choices are just not going to work for us, for now. We can never project into the future enough to know whether that decision will feel differently at another time. But for now, no. I certainly agree that Dan isn't having a good time. It's hard to know what his motivations are, if there are any conscious motivations at all. It seems clear that it is not to have a good time. At one point I think you mentioned fear as something that was underneath a lot of his behavior. It seems reasonable to me that fear is a factor. I'm going to keep saying this though: take some time for yourself. I hope you're doing that. I'm glad you got to the funeral of your friends' daughter. Not a good time, I'm sure, but important and something you wanted to do. I'm not going to accept that you can't do things for yourself (I say this gently and with love ). You must. Start with 15 minutes if that's all you get, but make those 15 minutes count for something that is life-giving to you. That may be a nap right now but it needs to be something. You need to keep Dan at home. In order to do that, you must give yourself some care. It's not an indulgence; it's every bit as important to Dan's well-being as his medicine and food and drink is. Lecture over. (Yes, I do know these words are as much for me as for you!) ~~Donna