FrederickRico

Another day of sitting here wondering what on earth is going on. I went through four wonderful days of hardly any headaches, had my balance and was even able to speak with someone about a possible job even though they knew fully of my current issues and they are still interested. Then, it all comes crashing down again. the shakes, the loss of balance, the disorientation, the confusion, cant hold a cup of coffee and then going back into that valley of depressesion. I read these posts and want to some day be able to give comfort to someone else out there and not seem like I am screaming for attention. The best I can do is let someone know they are not alone as I have felt until I found the wonderful folks on this website. All the doc combined are still arguing about the correct disagnosis with one saying that I should be fine, one saying I have definite deficiences that were not there before and one saying that she has found a Chiari Malformation which is in all likelyhood caused the issues with the stroke and is now makiing things worse and would require surgery to fix. Well if that is the case, so be it, bring it on and lets get moving. I am going to make a supreme effort to find all this out, stay positive and try more to understand everything. To anyone feeling the same right about now, you are not alone. I cant offer any suggestions or answers, other than that. thanks again for listening. Rico

Dearest Nancy L and Ethyl, You two have no idea how right you are and have been in responding to my posts. I am grieving, I am hurt, I am scared and still dont really understand what is happening. I have good days when my brain and everything seems to work just fine. I can do what i need to do, no headaches, little depression (never stops) even talked with someone last week who was interested in hiring me even after learning of the past issues with the stroke. Then along comes the next two days where i feel totally disoriented, confused, cant even hold a coffee cup without dropping it. Cant seem to walk without wobbling and then the mood and emotions go right into that canyon. I try to lock myself away as my wife already has so much on her plate dealing with financial issues that I used to deal with, with her two girls who are both in the terrible "I hate you and everything here" phase of being a teenager and just dealing with the loss of my salary, living from paycheck to paycheck. I am still confused from the neurologist and nuerosurgeon who disagree on the diagnosis. Have been through appts with a counselor, a nueropsychologist, psychyatrist and had additional MRI's done this last week and still no understanding of what really happened or whats going to happen. But you both are right, I need to recognize all of these things for what they are and I need to decide whats going to happen. I have always been a "get it done and dont BS around" type of guy but that seems to fail me now. thanks Rico

In the last few days have had another MRI, seen a psychiatrist, a mental health counselor and a neuropsychologist. The psych changed my meds to something she says is more in line with what is going on and is getting me weaned off the cocktail the former neurologist had me on. She also sent me to a neuropsychologist for cognitive testing and after speaking with him I feel better that maybe someone is beginning to listen to me. I had an ssi telephone apt today that I got the time wrong on (more dang numbers again) and hopefully they can help too. I tried to do somethng for m wife and left her two notes in her lunch that I make for her. I had hoped that she would at least acknowledge it. I had to call her to give her some info and no word. I know she is busy but shoot, just a little hi would be good. I know it sounds silly but somehow or another I just feel like my actions werent enough. I know she is stressed and overwhelmed, I try to be as independent as possible but there are just some thinkgs I cant do. Hopefully i can stay out of everyones way this weekend and give them some peace. I hope you all have a good weekend.

thank you all fr the help and understanding. I had a long talk with my wife yesterday while watching a sunset from a mountain near our home (frederick md) and she made it very clear to me that when we married it was for everything and all and if i ever left to keep her from having to deal with all this she would hunt me down and chain me to her, gosh I loove that woman. going to contact my local american legion as they do help with some transportation to medical appts. again thanks for listening

Here I go again, whine whine whine. The weekend was an incredible challenge, everything from too many bills and not enough money to my 16 yr old step daughter screaming at her mother, my wife, that she is a real bitch. I tried to give support to my wife, but with everything going on I think she is having a very difficult time seeing anything positive. Sometimes I wonder if I should just leave her and the girls here in maryland and return to arizona where I am from. Havent lived there in 22 yrs but I would go back if it would make her life easier. I love her with all my heart but she never deserved having to deal with all of this, I am not sure she can handle it. I tried to help this morining and broke two plates by dropping them and got disoriented again. I am not supposed to be driving but have no one else to take me to a lab appt today or four different doctors appts this week. I tried doing the bus but got confused and lost, would up sitting at wal mart until my wife got home from work and called me. i dont want to be a burden on anyone. any thoughts would be appreciated.

Fred keep it up buddy. I read your blogs and comments for inspiration from someone who is making it happen. Thanks.

Thanks for the support when I whine. I guess i should clarify that the what was found is making the deficiences worse and while they may lessen, they wont disappear. I am still coming to grips with who I am now and letting go of who I was. I have to be very careful cuz my wife is at her limits right now with everything going on and with issues with her two teenaged daughters. So I will spend a lot of time in my man cave this weekend and give her as much space as I can.

Good morning first let me apoligize because it seems like all i do is whine, but here it goes again. had appointments with the neurosurgeon and neurologist yesterday. Neurosurgeon has discovered a Chiari Malformation in my skull which is impacting the flow of the spinal fluid and "compressing" my brain. she feels it is the cause of the worsening of my deficiencies and wants to get it taken care of right away which involves surgery to releive the pressure. This would probably alleviate the headaches, loss of memory, some of the cognitive issues and balnace issues. The neuerologist on the other hand I am going to fire. He has constantly since the day of my stroke made me feel like I was some kind of shirker trying to get on disability. Yeah, right, give up a 129K a year job to sit at home and watch soap operas. he has for the last time made me feel like this is just something in my head and has now perscribed me depakote. Depaklote which has major interaction issues with the other medications that I take. Does he not have access to the internet? He told me yesterday that the continuing issues have more to do with bipolar depression. Horse hockey, i have been tested for that and was found not to be. What does this guy want, just for me to keep taking more and more drugs and become an emotional zombie in order for his flawed diagnosis to be un addressed? I am angry, I am scared, I am depressed but I know damn well I am not crazy at the very least not crazy enough to keep my trust in someone whom I need to trust for my health and safety that I dont trust any longer. sigh

Good morning y'all. Trying not to feel down today as I was contacted about a possible job yesterday but when I explained the deficiencies that I suffer from due to the stroke, the conversation ended. I dont feel surprised, just sad. Not sad about the job, but sad because in a moment of weakness I called my wife to tell her about the opportunity and she, who has been very supportive and still is, got a little sad because before the stroke, we had been planning on her leaving her job to finish her studies. Obviously, now as the sole wage earner in our family that is impossible at this time. I feel as though I have let her down again. I wish I wouldnt do that.

Maree, I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me, it gave me alot of insight. The latest update on all that is that when I had a conversation with the gentlemand and went into honest detail of my deficiencies, it was pretty much "thanks for your honesty, dont call us, we will call you". It was a nice fantasy while it lasted. I am heading full steam into learning what my new life is going to be and appreciate more the blessings I have. I wont lie, this is hard, very hard but its the path I need to take. thanks again rico

Wow, after everything that has happened with the stroke and losing my job because I cant do the "math", now I get an email from someone who has learned that I am not working and wants to hire me. How wonderful (get the sarcasm) this man wants who I used to be. I told my wife about it and she is very worried that the same thing will happen, that i get the job and then will lose it because I cant do the calculations or will mess up the numbers again. What do I do at this point? Do I make it known to my professional colleauges that the extent of the stroke was more than I originallythought? any thoughts?

My wife and I have to go pick up her girls today as they had spent the last week for spring break with their grandparents. I am not looking forward to this but I will put on a brave face as it is important to my wife. I will make today a good day, that is my goal. As many of you have said, one day at a time. Happy Easter.