Grannyjudymac72

Thank you Betsy for your input. That is why I came back here, to listen to others and what they feel and experience. Listening to both sides of this journey.  Thank you for allowing me thoughts to help in Raymonds journey.  I do need to allow him hope of something other than what I feel.  Raymonds stroke was June of 2014.  Sometimes caregivers get in a rut and you have allowed me thoughts other than mine! Thank you again

Thank you Sue. Its really good to be back.  I just finished the past couple of hours out in the garage doing mens work. I am very tired and it was hard work but I feel very accomplished.  I am too old to be doing this stuff, but it needs to be done and I hate asking family all the time.  Yes I know I need a life too. And my daughter is starting to take one day off a week from her job to take her father to his appointment that day to give me a break. Last week was the first time and I stayed in bed all day hahahaha. Thanks again for the comments.

Thank you for your input my friends. Today is an especially bad day for me. I am really having difficulties trying to deal with my feelings about Rays recovery.  He has been to a lot of therapies and doctors and they work on him, then he comes home and either just sits in his chair or lies on the couch.  For a long time I accepted that he needed extra rest due to the fall, and I didn't say anything. I just took care of him, took him to his appointments and dealt with his resting.  Well lately he has been improving so I have tried to push him to do exercises at home.  He is so good for the therapists and is such a good patient, but here at home he is just {sorry to say it} (lazy).  I do everything for him and he just rests and of course when I mention it, he says he is tired. I tell him thats because he doesn't move around enough.  If you lie around and sit around all of the time then of course you are tired. But he gets mad at me when I speak up.  Well for a long time I just decided to let it go. But often I just can't. And I need help on this. What do I do?? Should I just let his recovery be his responsibility and if I do that he will continue to do very little here at home.

I took him for a walk today and we went onto the deck and I asked him if he thought that the acupuncture was going to make his arm and hand just start moving again. He said "yes". He believes that all of the doctors and the therapist are going to "fix" him.  That one day things are going to just start working.  I do try to be positive and for the most part I am. But there are times like yesterday and today that its just not working for me. 

Well thats pretty much it kids. I had to vent and I have been on the verge of crying today so I decided to come here and talk to all of you.  I need advice.

Thank you and Hugs, Judy

Betsy thank you for all of your thoughts and suggestions.  It is good hearing from a stroke survivor as none of the caregivers really know what is going on inside of  your heads. I will think strongly about getting someone to help, but thats a hard one for me. Actually not hard for me, but hard for Raymond to deal with.  Since we live so far up in the mountains its harder to have access to people who maybe could help.  I also think my husband is slightly embarrassed by the mess in his big buildings. There are tools, parts and things all over the place. He is sort of a hoarder and he is also a mess pot.  There is one man who does come over and helps with the restoration of the truck he was working on before his stroke, but he won't help Ray as far as walking with him or physically being there. He has his own physical issues and mostly is volunteering to help to give Ray more incentive. I could put Ray in a chair up in his shop while the man works, but Ray immediately wants to get up and help. That is what happened last time. So I am forced to stay up there and watch him and be the helper man.  Hahaha, I am a seamstress, not a machanic. And of course now that the cold weather has set in, and we got over an inch of snow two days ago. We now have ice outside, so even going up to the shop is a no no.

But I do hear all of the things you are saying.  And I will try harder to get more help for me.  And I will try and include him more in a safe way.  Thank you so much for all of the suggestions everyone. It helps more than you know. Its a busy day for me, but I wanted to respond to this last post.

Another thing I wrote about earlier and lost is the fact that most people have no idea about a stroke. When they see Ray they say, oh he looks so good. But they don't see the broken parts inside. They see no blood, no bruises, no bandaids, not scars.  They don't see the inner turmoil.  They don't see the pain and the work.  That is why I love it here. Because you all do know what we all know and see. So thank you for being here for me as my stroke family. Love Judy

Thank you Sandy for the info. I will try to rewrite some of the things I had said earlier. I had addressed your questions about Rays situation. Rays deficits are he cannot walk unassisted and his left arm and hand are not functioning.  He can see on his right and left but only if he turns his head in those directions.  He is completely dependent on me and like your situation he can eat what I put in front of him.  This is still early in our journey so hopefully things will improve. One of my biggest complaints are is lack of motivation to exercise. He only does what the therapist have him do, but at home he mostly sleeps or lies or sits.  Also some of the people have mentioned for me to get help. We live up in the mountains and there are only 24 homes up here and most of the people work. There is not anyone who can help me at this time.  We have one young man who comes over a couple of times a month, but he has a part time job, goes to school and now has a girl friend.  I am sure things will work out. The past few days have been a little extra hard because due to bad weather I have had to do a lot of jobs outside that Ray would normally do. Like get gas for the generator, start the generator, clean up things around the outside that the high winds have caused damage to.  So many of the man things around the house are things I am learning to do.  I am a 72 year old woman and becoming the man of the house at this stage can be overwhelming.  All of the things I am writing this time are not what I had written earlier hahaha.  Anyway I really appreciate being able to come here and pour my heart out. You are all my family and I do depend on your words and caring. I will now try to post this

How come everytime I write a long blog it seems to disappear hahaha. This is the second time I wrote a long comment and when I clicked on add comment it went away.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement.  We had a little incident this morning.  Raymond fell while attempting to go to the bathroom himself.  I had gotten sick early this morning and had thrown up and had a bad stomach, so I had shut the bathroom door while I had the fan on.  We had gotten him to the couch and he told me to go lie back down, which I did. But then when he got up to go to the bathroom, he had to open the door which is usually always open. He let go of his cane and lost his balance and down he went.  He hit his head on a door jam but we got him up okay.  We both learned a lesson through this.  Things must always be the same for him in the house while he is working towards safely moving about on his own.  I have to watch out for circumstances that would lead him to let go of his cane, and I will pay more attention to those things. I also told him that we learned he has to pay attention when something is different. Since this was only day three of him walking about by himself a little. I believe what happened, is during his urgency (which he has had problems with lately) he was in a hurry and was not thinking about safety as much as getting there quickly.  This is a never ending learning process. One of my biggest fears has been him falling again. He fell on the cement floor in his shop once and from that fall I got overly protective of his walking. I was just starting to relax as he was getting better balance. I have to try and not let me go back to overly holding him back. We just have to watch out for problems.  Again, thank you for your encouragement.  Another day, another lesson!

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.  How funny that such a small thing going on in ones body can be such a huge thing. We often take life for granted.  Today I was looking at pictures on my computer and I was looking at some videos of Ray shoveling the snow out of our driveway. Wow, to just be able to walk, let alone hold a shovel. How such a thing is not recognized as a wonderful feat!!. I am grateful for anything now!!  Thank you family for being here to share something good!

Hugs, Judy

Hello Sue. I loved reading your blog this morning. So many of your Rays attributes were my Rays as well. The let me help you and then doing so much of the work himself. He has been the go to person in the neighborhood.  And now oddly enough, not one of those supposedly thank you so much, what can I do for you people seem to just drive past our home. Where once they used to stop when Ray was outside to chat with him and maybe ask him for a tool or some assistance. He was there in a second.  

I can't imagine being without my Ray, so I can't imagine how you are feeling.  But I am sure if you look hard enough and want hard enough, something will place itself in your path that allows you to fine a reason for you to find a new life to live.  I send you warm loving thoughts and smiles of respect. You sound like a wonderful woman. You inspire me!

Hugs, Judy

Thats fantastic news Rose.  I am hoping my hubbys arm and hand start getting the message. He did move his upper shoulder and arm some this week in therapy. Keep on doing what you are doing. Hugs and smiles and of course waves so your left hand can wav back!

Again, thanks Ron.  All advice and comments are welcome. I have read quite a bit about post stroke fatigue. I know it is a real condition and I will ease up on the worry for now.  He is also on Cymbalta, in fact they increased his dosage since the stroke. He was on it before, as they were trying to treat his headaches with it.  I will look into an air cast.  Yes I do see him all of the time and  I will listen to others.  In fact my daughter just called to tell me she will be bringing him home soon and I asked her how he was doing and she said "he is ornery" Hahahaha, so could that be any indication??

But thank you and I will try to look at my journey through different lenses!  This is just one day! Tomorrow is tomorrow.

Thanks, Judy

Hello again Ron.  The e-stim I spoke of yes is probably the same. Two pre-wired electrodes  attached to his arm makes his hand rise and fall.  He still has no use of his hand, but I have noticed a slight movement of his arm, which he doesn't seem to realize, but I do. He can push against my hand with his arm forward and pull back some. He could not do so before.  

Right now the main problem I am having is that he only wants to rest.  The slightest amount of movement seems to tire him.  I try to encourage him to push past the tired just a little.  I even encourage him to move something while he is lying down or sitting. To move his legs up and down, or just any type of moving.  He falls asleep the minute he is on the couch.  And now his excuse seems to be he has a headache.  Ray has had a few other medical challenges in the past and therapy has always been something he simply does not like to do.  I am hoping that something or someone gets through to him, but I do worry that its not going to happen.  I cannot will him to move, and if I could you bet I would!

I am encouraged by all of the advice I get from these blogs and posts.  So many nice people here, so much knowledge.  My positive attitude about life is the major thing that keeps me going.  I just wish I could help Ray.

Hugs to you and your wife.  And I loved how you described your wife's hand, straight and soft.    

And yes because my husbands stroke is still so new, I do hope there is light at the end of this tunnel.

Smiles, silly giggles and "thanks"

Judy

Thank you Ron, Wow how wonderful you made me feel. Both in remarking about my writing and also about your wife's improvement.  Such encouraging words.  I have read so many forums and blogs and get somewhat discouraged about Rays future.  And reading your comment has given me faith in the future for him.  I am on a roll today doing laundry, dishes, chores, etc.  And I gave Ray a nice "fatigue fighting" breakfast.  After breakfast I put the e-stim on his left arm, and I am also recharging the simulator that is implanted in his back for pain.  So he is being stimulated hahaha.

He asked me a few minutes ago if he could go lie down on the couch.  I never say no, but today I did.  I said you only got out of bed a while ago and you don't need to rest. You are watching TV and that should not be tiring. I said once your recharging is over I would like to try to put you on the exercise bike for a few minutes.  Then you can lie down.  Hmmmmm is that the right thing to do? Well for some reason I think so.  He really does very little movement or exercise and for the past few days I have been encouraging him to at least move parts of his body.  As the commercial says "a body at rest, stays at rest".  Bye the way he hates for me to say that.  So I don't out loud, just in my mind.

So I will cheerfully encourage him throughout the day and if he wants to rest I will let him, but I would like to get a few moments of movement first.

And Ron, bye the way, I have always wanted to write.  I wrote short stories years ago but just tucked them away.  So this blog gives me a chance to simply write what comes from my heart.  Thank you for your kind words, your encouragement about our future and for just reaching out.

Hugs, Judy

John, I can certainly relate to being nervous about your Mom coming home.  I was really nervous at first and worked way too hard to make life as pleasant and stress free as possible for my husband.  In fact I worked way too hard. I did everything for him thus tiring myself out way too much. I got sick for a bit, but then after finding this site and reading, reading, reading all of the information and blogs and new stories, I am learning to stand  back a little and allow Ray to learn to somewhat take a little care of himself.  You will be okay, as you are very aware of what you want good for her. She will love being home, I am sure.  Take one day at a time and you will find out what is going to work, and what is not. Good luck on this journey.

Judy

Wow, Nancy! You do have your plate full.  It is good to see that you have written all of these thoughts down. They are better out than in.  I have only a small idea of what you are going through. The saying "no" to babysitting the grandkids. I have had to say no more than once and that was so hard. And saying no to watching their dog while they go on vacation. We have always been available no matter what for making life easier for the kids. But at my age, I am finally learning to say no and not feel guilty. Nancy go when you can and enjoy what ever time you have to get away from your "job" per say.  I am trying to learn to do that. But because my husbands stroke is still so new, I am afraid almost to leave the room. He has taken a couple of bad falls and I so worry about something more happening.  I really enjoyed reading your blog this morning.  This sounds silly I suppose but it makes me feel so "not alone" when I am having negative thoughts.  I will ask God to simply put a smile on your face today, and in  your heart.  

And know that your written words are helping more than just you.  The only comfort I can give you is "Thank you" for sharing.

And here is a smile, a hug and a silly giggle!

Hugs, Judy

Sue, I can't imagine your past few years, but just in the past couple of weeks I have been here on stroke net I have read a lot of what you have said.  You sound so interesting today. Such a thought filled blog. You have a great deal of heart felt feelings going through your head. Its those kinds of thoughts that want me to stay here on this site and gather all of the bouquets of feelings that I will put in my vase of life today.  My Ray is resting today as he had a busy day yesterday. Lots of Dr. appts and therapy.  I am sure your Ray is smiling down at you.  He is probably enjoying watching you find your "Sue". Hugs, Judy

My gosh, what wonderful messages! If this keeps happening, I just might get through all of this    So I shall blog whenever I can or whenever necessary.  I will heed all of your advice and words.  I am so lucky to have found you all!! WARM HUGS!

Thank you Sue for the encouragement!  I am learning one day at a time that things can change on a dime. I got Ray to do a little bit of exercise today, but he faded fast. But at least he tried.  Chat was fun last night, and wow what a wonderful place to just say how you feel. I am learning that each day brings a new or different feeling.  One day at a time! Thanks, Hugs, Judy

Sandy, your husband looks so handsome. Love the blue gait belt and his tennis shoes.  Where did you get the blue gait belt and are his pants regular jeans?  All of my hubbys pants are just light weight work out pants and they are baggy.  I would love to find something that looked nicer on him.  Glad you had fun getting out.  Its still a chore getting my hubby out and about.  He tires so easily. 

Great Picture!

Judy