Grannyjudymac72

Interesting feeling today. Not sure if it's just tiredness or numbness. But today is a new day and I plan on trying to be ready for it. This has been a busy week for us and each day has been filled with appointments, therapy, visitors and motivational talks with Ray. I asked him an interesting question about three days ago and got an interesting answer. As he was lying on the couch I asked him. Do you have it in your mind that one day you will just wake up and your arm and hand will just work again? He said well that's what I was thinking yes! I tried to talk to him about it most likely is not going to happen that way. That what we are working on is keeping the arm and hand active with our e-stim and just movement of his arm. And that hopefully if there is some movement in the arm and hand that we will pursue more exercise just like we have been doing with the leg. And at therapy this week, the OT said she did get some movement out of his arm, even though very slight. Which was very encouraging for me. Ray didn't seem to feel the movement. But it was definitely there. He had one really good PT last week, and one where he threw up after a new exercise. It puzzled all of us. This week was filled with a visitor almost every day, which I have been promoting more visits just to keep Ray from lying down watching TV. I have told him that sitting up, talking to people, being alert is a form of therapy. And I did notice he was more alert during these visits. Even though he was tired when they left. And I let him rest a lot. My moods have been different as well this past week. Even though I am a totally positive, upper person, I was near tears a couple of days. I never cry and that is a story all in its own, but if someone had said the wrong thing to me, I might have just broke down. I did manage to get away one day and have lunch with one of my sewing buddies and best friend and it was wonderful just sitting and talking about my feelings and what has been going on. A good friend is a sounding board and it was so pleasant to just be out. Then I did my grocery shopping and tried to purchase some new foods. I have been reading about super foods and also foods that help with fatigue. We had a little rain today which was so nice, as its been hot and dry for months now. Outside just drank it in, although its gone now. I am looking forward to fall and all of the new colors. Weird, I just started crying and gosh it feels strange. Its a feeling of being alone. I think of winter coming and all of the things I will have to tackle on my own. Ray is the outside winter fixer. The driver if it snows. Guess I will have to put my big girl panties on and figure it out one day at a time. I am sort of laughing inside, my feelings seem to be all over the place right now. I have been wanting to blog for a few days and sitting down writing what ever comes out of my head seems therapeutic! I consider myself a strong lady and I do well under pressure most of the time. But I guess I am allowed to be a "sissy girl" every now and then. Thank goodness for this site and all of you for me to dump on. I get to dump the good, bad and the ugly. And as so many of you know there are lots of those days when one or all of those feelings pass through us. Well now that I got that out, I guess it's time to move on to the real day and just "do it"! I will do some laundry, help Ray get from here to there and maybe even pull out one of the afghans I found that need to be finished. Am I a coo coo bird? Just reading through this blog makes me think so. Thank you for letting me vent! Love, Judy

John, I can certainly relate to being nervous about your Mom coming home. I was really nervous at first and worked way too hard to make life as pleasant and stress free as possible for my husband. In fact I worked way too hard. I did everything for him thus tiring myself out way too much. I got sick for a bit, but then after finding this site and reading, reading, reading all of the information and blogs and new stories, I am learning to stand back a little and allow Ray to learn to somewhat take a little care of himself. You will be okay, as you are very aware of what you want good for her. She will love being home, I am sure. Take one day at a time and you will find out what is going to work, and what is not. Good luck on this journey. Judy

Wow, Nancy! You do have your plate full. It is good to see that you have written all of these thoughts down. They are better out than in. I have only a small idea of what you are going through. The saying "no" to babysitting the grandkids. I have had to say no more than once and that was so hard. And saying no to watching their dog while they go on vacation. We have always been available no matter what for making life easier for the kids. But at my age, I am finally learning to say no and not feel guilty. Nancy go when you can and enjoy what ever time you have to get away from your "job" per say. I am trying to learn to do that. But because my husbands stroke is still so new, I am afraid almost to leave the room. He has taken a couple of bad falls and I so worry about something more happening. I really enjoyed reading your blog this morning. This sounds silly I suppose but it makes me feel so "not alone" when I am having negative thoughts. I will ask God to simply put a smile on your face today, and in your heart. And know that your written words are helping more than just you. The only comfort I can give you is "Thank you" for sharing. And here is a smile, a hug and a silly giggle! Hugs, Judy

Sue, I can't imagine your past few years, but just in the past couple of weeks I have been here on stroke net I have read a lot of what you have said. You sound so interesting today. Such a thought filled blog. You have a great deal of heart felt feelings going through your head. Its those kinds of thoughts that want me to stay here on this site and gather all of the bouquets of feelings that I will put in my vase of life today. My Ray is resting today as he had a busy day yesterday. Lots of Dr. appts and therapy. I am sure your Ray is smiling down at you. He is probably enjoying watching you find your "Sue". Hugs, Judy

My gosh, what wonderful messages! If this keeps happening, I just might get through all of this So I shall blog whenever I can or whenever necessary. I will heed all of your advice and words. I am so lucky to have found you all!! WARM HUGS!

Thank you Sue for the encouragement! I am learning one day at a time that things can change on a dime. I got Ray to do a little bit of exercise today, but he faded fast. But at least he tried. Chat was fun last night, and wow what a wonderful place to just say how you feel. I am learning that each day brings a new or different feeling. One day at a time! Thanks, Hugs, Judy

Two months ago it started! This incredible journey that no one fully understands until the path crosses them. It was 6 am June 20th, I was asleep and Ray called out for me. I went into the living room and he asked me help him to the couch that he could not do it himself. He was slightly slumped in our overstuffed chair. I said something is wrong, he said "no" just help me to the couch I will be okay. The couch is his "safe" place as he has back problems and lying down on the couch is something he does a lot. I repeated something is wrong, he repeated help me to the couch. I said I am calling 911, he said no, put me on the couch. I immediately called 911 and within an hour I am sitting in the ER waiting for the results. Because Ray is on coumadin they could not give him any clot busters. That was the beginning of this journey. He was in the stoke unit a week, then inpatient rehab for three weeks. At first I thought they were hard days, but I found out they were the easy days. As I could leave the hospital, come home, eat, rest and sleep. It was a flurry of fixing the house to have it safe for him, but I could still sleep at night. Those days went by fast. And my oldest daughter helped me through those beginning days by being at the hospital everyday when I couldn't, to see that he was being taken care of. The first few days at home were scary to say the least. I had this 200 pound fragile human being to take total care of. In the beginning we had a friend from out of town stay with us for three weeks, and he helped physically a great deal, plus he told me to lie down and rest while he took care of Ray for a few hours. Those were precious hours! Before our friend left, Ray took a bad fall and things changed. Once our friend went home, I was alone with this stubborn, fragile, often angry man. And since then days have been good, bad, even worse than bad, and indifferent. But I have managed to live through them and deal with feelings I hadn't felt in a long time. In 1981 Ray was burned bad and I had to take care of him for 8 months, but in those days at least Ray could walk unassisted. I remember the feelings I had then, were returning. The frustration, the anger, the sadness, the helpless and all of those feelings I had way back then. But I was 40 yrs old, and I had not put my big girl panties on at the time. Since then I went through shrinky dink therapy, saw a phycologist for two years and did put my big girl panties on. I handle the feelings better these days, but the inner turmoil is the same. I am a very positive person, who believes in working hard, doing therapy "have had both hips and both knees replaced" and to keep on going. But Ray is different in many ways than me. He is more negative and hates therapy! He wants to rest, sleep and watch TV. And then I found StrokeNet and have read many of the pages on this site. I have been given such good advice. This is his recovery, not mine, even though I am a great part of it. I have been told he needs the sleep and rest he wants so much of and the TV remote control is his favorite friend. I am learning, I am learning!! Each day is a different day. Some good, some not so good. Today is an in-between day. He had a visitor and while someone is here Ray has to stay off the couch and be alert and active in thought. And those times are good for him. But now he resting on the couch and I am in my "safe place" which is my office. I am an avid seamstress and I love to sew, and this room is my sewing/craft/computer/office! It's where I can be alone in my thoughts and deeds. I have put my sewing away for a while, but hopefully someday I can pull it back out and create! So today is my first blog. My first actual writing of my thoughts. This is going to be a long journey and having StrokeNet here to walk along with me is going to be a saving grace. Thank you for being here!!

Sandy, your husband looks so handsome. Love the blue gait belt and his tennis shoes. Where did you get the blue gait belt and are his pants regular jeans? All of my hubbys pants are just light weight work out pants and they are baggy. I would love to find something that looked nicer on him. Glad you had fun getting out. Its still a chore getting my hubby out and about. He tires so easily. Great Picture! Judy