smarshall

Sunshine, fresh air and flowers did the trick. Beautiful day! My husband and I are going for a drive in a bit. It's early in the morning, we'll get some coffee and enjoy the lack of traffic. I have shut the door to this room, but I can hear my dogs stirring at the door. (That tail thump gives them away every time!)

Yes I'm having a bad day, okay a bad week. I'm feeling EXTREMELY negative about most everything; I even feel bad about feeling bad - if that makes any sense at all. It's actually a beautiful day; low 70's, sunshine and low humidity. I think I'll go outside, take care of some flowers, and try to turn my mood around.

...nobody to blame but myself though; I forget to take my AD's last night and am paying the price. I would think that having them on my nightstand is foolproof, apparently not. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! Susan :coffee:

My kids were 10 and 13 when I had mine. Nobody would take me seriously when I got mad because I would sputter and spit - it wasn't pretty. I think Nancy has a GREAT idea! Susan :Typing:

I can't even imagine having three! So sorry you're going through all that. Did the dr's determine why you keep having them? (Or did I miss reading that somewhere?) Susan

I really hate the "poor me" feeling I have today. It's absolutely beautiful outside, I have a great book, both my pooches want "mom" to play ball, and/or Frisbee, and I'm still feeling emotionally miserable. I'm lonely.

...not (really) knowing what's going on in my body has brought a fear back that I though was long gone. It's difficult to describe the feeling that comes over me; suffice it to say it's brought me to the local E.R. twice now in a week and a half. The first time I did have some elevated blood work which suggested some type of viral vasculitis. Negative CT - whew!! Home, rest, fluids and a prescription for meclezine. (For motion sickness and nausea0\ Round two, "normal" bloodwork, f/u with my PMD, Okay....But WHAT'S HAPPENING? When I had my stroke I didn't have a headache, I did feel lightheaded and dizzy; it was terrible! I never want to experience anything like that again! Am I being an alarmist? I guess I need some anti-anxiety meds. This suc*s!

I know it has to change and get cooler, but I've been having such a relaxing, great time in the early morning hours. Coffee on the porch with my husband and two dogs. "Listen to the quiet" was the name of a book of poetry, (The name of the author I can't seem to remember) absolutely appropriate.

It's almost SPRING, it's warm, the sun's shining - NO INSECTS YET!! I absolutely love this time of year! Warm wind coming in the window while I'm doing dishes, birds chirping early in the morning, and I heard my first flock of geese heading north; life is good. After 16+ years of being home - I'm comfortable here, and when I really think about it I'm fortunate to be able to be home.

No, it's definitely not you. It's been years for me and I'm still finding things out!! Susan :bookread:

Hi Phil, I think that having had a stoke can't help us to see, and relate to other people with disabilities - regardless of what they might be. I know that my time in a wheelchair gave me a better understanding of what that was/is like. Susan :Typing:

About 85% of my time is spent alone. I do have three dogs, and even though they're great to have around, our conversations are one-sided. I'm able to use this PC, and I came upon the following website which (I think) has some decent ideas. http://www.wikihow.com/Enjoy-Being-Alone Susan :type:

My emotions have been all over the place. Having had the stroke should have been enough, but I had to add hot flashes and other midlife fun into the mix. I've been on different antidepressants over the years; that and anxiety medication help immeasurably. You are NOT alone; I'm sure most survivors have similar feelings. Susan :cold:

Hi Rick, My anniversary is coming up also. It doesn't sting as much as it used to; it has gotten better. I'm actually learning new things about stroke; always learning.......for me that's been key. It's quite remarkable how we adapt to things we never even gave a thought to before. I still get depressed at times, but that's gotten better too; in fact just the other day I managed to get an ice tray to the freezer without spilling any!! I physically might have been ready to do that a lot sooner, but my self confidence took quite a hit, and I just didn't feel ready. It takes time, but it does get better. Take care, Susan:Typing:

I received a phone call from my mom today. What she thought had been a series of TIA's, (three) were actually small strokes in her eye! Her birthday was yesterday, she turned 79. Both of her parents died from strokes, she's now had SIX minor ones. I'm terrified that "that" phone call is going to come sooner than later.

There are certain dates that are inevitable; i.e., my daughter's 25th birthday is today. I'm feeling very angry at this body that has betrayed me because I am physically unable to drive the 30-some odd miles to see her, maybe take her to dinner - whatever. I've already spoken to her, and she in no way thinks worse of me; I DO MYSELF!! :Argh:

Isn't overcoming fear a FABULOUS feeling?? Getting some of that independence back too; boy can I relate to that one! 10 MILES!!!! WOW!!! :congrats: Susan

This is very difficult for me. I've fought with myself for years since the stroke; I "get it" now. The fact that that's the case doesn't make this any easier to admit to myself. Since I was about 16 my appearance has played a big part in my life. I never really could see it; maybe it was being sexually abused as a child, maybe having alcoholic parents - I don't know. Others could. I hid myself with my clothes, and could never really understand why some people seemed to respond to the way I looked. Then when I was 36 - WHAMMO!! I had the stroke. Memory problems, word retreival problems, and LOTS of physical changes. RT side facial paralysis and WEIGHT GAIN being the most obvious. I thought the entire time I was in rehab that my face, eye, smile would all go back to the way they were before! (How's that for denial!) My weight didn't start to change until I had been home for a while. OVERWEIGHT. OBESE. I HATE those words. (I mute weight-loss commercials all the time; I can't stand them.) I can't seem to exercise enough to take off the extra, unwanted pounds. I have a finate amount of energy now and once that's gone - it's gone. I don't eat much junk at all, but my relative inactivity has taken its toll. It has been over 11 years since the stroke. It took me over five of those years to get rid of some very nice clothing I used to wear for work. I still have some "skinny" jeans and other small-size stuff in my closet that I just can't part with yet. However, I've started visiting clothing websites to look at clothing that is my size, and even though that's a hard pill to swallow, it's reality. BTW, to the person who gave my picture the thumbs-up - thanks, but I don't look like that anymore.

I was thinking about this while combing out my hair; I remembered a time when doing that wasn't so easy. Personally, I don't think that any therapist gets the kudos he/she should. They're assigned a patient for however long, and I wonder just how many of us have let them know they're appreciated. For my stay on rehab, I was assigned to three different therapists. Physical, Occupational and Speech. (We patients called them "TERRORISTS" because they were relentless.) If I didn't show up for a schedualed appointment, (For whatever reason.) down to my room they would come. Thank you! :clap: Susan :cold:

September was my last entry! :head_hurts: My memory that I even had this blog was jarred by an email from the organization! I've often wondered if my memory loss can ALL be attributed to the stroke. There's the approaching menopause thing, and just being in my 40's. ???? I'm approaching my 11th stroke anniversary, and aside from volunteering here, and a brief run at my former employer, I haven't done squat. What to do though... Susan