heathber

Hi Chris, I'm a survivor not a caregiver, so my response may not be what you are looking for. Although I'm sure one of the caregivers will be along to answer you shortly too. First up you are not being a spoiled brat. This thing is hard from both sides of the fence. It sounds like the TIA (second stroke) has affected both your husband's speech and his emotional centers. Although he may just be being a sh*t because he feels sh*tty and with his speech affected he has no other way to express his own frustration and anger. He may not be speaking much because he either can't find the words or can't get them past his tongue. One crazy thing about stroke speech effects is that swear words and anger seem to use a different part of the brain to everyday speech so those things can be said when other things can't. Also one thing often lost in a stroke is the ability to censor and control your expression of emotion. we call it "no filter" it's common and takes much training/work to overcome. Sleeping a lot is also common it's part of the brains recovery mechanism. Let him sleep and get your stuff done while he sleeps. Get out and get some exercise, build up your own energy and resilience, do something that makes you feel good. I don't believe the man you married is not in there somewhere. He's probably wailing at the bars of the cage his body has become. It sounds like you need to try and get him into some sort of residential rehab program for a few months. It it still early days in his recovery (this thing is measured in years not months) and much can be done with therapy. If there's no inpatient available get him into out patient or in home therapy. Although therapy needs to be something he wants to do and is willing to work at if it's going to achieve anything. Have you tried asking him what he wants? and explaining how his behaviour is affecting you? From what I've seen Men are much harder on themselves than women when they suddenly find themselves unable to do the things they used to do, the loss of control over yourself is very hard on the psyche. finding ways to give him back some control may help. Also don't forget to look after you. Caring for the carer is just as important as caring for the survivor. Have you actually asked his kids for help and given them something concrete to do? Make a list of what you need help with and make a point of using it. write the kids off only once they prove they can't/won't help. Many people are busy with their own lives and don't know what to do, so they do nothing. Hang in there it's not as bad as it feels right now. Feel free to rant and wail here when you need to. We will listen and understand. We've all been there and done it Hugs -Heather

It has to happen, scared is fine. Do your advance care plan before hand (just in case) then trust your plan and hope it isn't needed. You've got this. (((hugs)))

I'm in the celebrate it camp, too. 15 years is an achievement for both of you. It might not be a happy memory or a good moment in your lives but it was a major change and you both got through it and it should be marked in some way. Why not have a party so long as it's not too much for either of you. Can you ask a friend or family member to do the "work" of it?

Oh yes, Like cats you can suggest but until it is their idea it won't happen. I hope that you can suggest it to them, so that they can see the use. It is not that they are incapable its about speed of response and ease of mind for everyone. Maybe ask your stepmom what she would have done to get help if you had not been in the house when your dad fell. After all that will soon be the reality. At the moment she can't call for help and stay with him while she calls. The modern alarms can sense when the wearer falls and call help automatically. Who they call is completely programmable, first call could even be her, and the programming is done by the company so you/they don't have to stress about that bit, you just say what you want to happen and provide the phone numbers.

It all sounds very trying Tracy. It sounds to me like you need to get both your Dad and your stepmom emergency alert pendants that they wear all the time and then they can get help whenever they need and you can feel more comfortable about moving to your own home. https://www.choice.com.au/electronics-and-technology/gadgets/tech-gadgets/buying-guides/personal-alarms Some of these can also double as a very simple mobile phone. I 'm sure they exist where you are. But do remember they are both adults and you can't try and run their lives any more than they should be trying to run yours. 💖

fingers crossed he will now use the aids he's supposed to. It is harsh that he had to learn the hard way, but so long as he learns from it and no permanent damage was done! It is so hard to lose control of a body that has always obeyed you (as we stroke people know all too well) The loss of dignity in the middle of the night is tough. I did something very similar when in hospital last year, he only had you and your mum to see the chaos, I had at least 6 nurses and a team of doctors come running. It's funny now but at the time was anything but.

I get you! you can see what's coming and you have done your risk analysis so while you have fear you are not afraid. It's anticipation not dread. All fingers and toes crossed that everything works the way you want it to. -Heather

That sounds great Tracy! And yes I can understand how your particular issues could so easily mimic bipolar and other problems. And what is happening for you at the moment is exciting so you are allowed to be/feel a bit "crazy". I do hope to be saying "happy housewarming" very soon.

Gorgeous! Nice to know he's doing better now. Enjoy your visit

Hi Tracy it does sounds ever so slightly manic! Fingers crossed you don't get to add bipolar to your list of troubles. On the whole it sounds like things are finally starting to fall in your favour. I do so hope that is the case. (((HUGS))) -Heather

Super HUGS coming your way!!! So good to hear that everything is falling into place at last. No one minds a happy weep, let it flow a bit.

Fingers crossed you are on the 30 day list. You'll just get the call when you get to the top. of whichever list they put you on. My last surgery they put me on the 30 day list because I'd had so many complications from the initial presentation and I got the call within 2 weeks. So fingers crossed and hugs for everything to turn out well.

What you can get does depend on where you are. I have an unlimited fibre connection too these days, and even when I didn't I always preferred to go with a throttling plan rather than a charge for overuse plan. If you used too much the last few days of the month might be annoying but it was always a fixed cost.

That's a lovely story Deigh! But yes that dateline does my head in every time I cross it!

Hi Tracy, as of today Sue should be in UTC +10, we were UTC +11 until Sunday because of DST. NSW is same timezone as VIC (where I am) Janelle in WA is UTC +8 Deigh in NZ should be UTC +12 sorry I don't know NZ DST periods. US east coast should be UTC -5 which makes NZ 17 hours ahead of US EST not 16 UTC is usually easiest to work with which is why it exists 🙂 add 5 to get to 0 and then add 12 to get to NZ if you cross 0 from negative to positive add a day. and if you cross 0 from positive to negative lose a day. This is the fun part of flying to the US from here, you arrive before you left having spent 22 hours in the air, and coming home you lose a day. so you arrive the day after you expect to.

Great and its something fun to do when you have the oomph that has a useful end result.

borrow a sewing machine and make yourself a colourful quilt either for the bed or your couch. I have a lovely one my Aunt made for me that lives in my recliner it's so comforting to snuggle under when watching tv at night, and it brightens up the room.

That all sounds really positive Tracy, although the arguments about medication don't sound like fun.

Hugs Sue! Tough times. But knowing first hand how stroke impacts, you already know it's worth taking the risk on the aneurysm surgery. Fingers crossed whenever I can spare them and non faith based prayers for you to find the strength you need for this. love and more hugs -Heather

Janelle (GreenQueen) is right about helping physically when he really needs it, but also be aware that sometimes we want or need to do things for ourselves. You want to help not take over and sometimes you will need to do the "tough love" thing but take your queue on that from Shannon and his therapists. Learning to ask do you "want" help with that before taking action to help is important. And help him to understand that wanting help and needing help are not necessarily the same thing too.

What everyone else said. I find I'm spending quite a bit of time with my mother's friends these days. Mostly they are older than me but younger than her. I don't think age matters that much. Enjoy your new besties

Hi Asha, the main thing is you are out there trying. Yes there's a reason you are no longer in the paid workforce. But despite that you are willing to give it a go. Sometimes writing down the steps as you think of them helps, main thing is don't let it get you down. The more you practice the sooner your brain will rewire for the skill you are trying to get back, but in the process there will of course be times things don't work (probably most times). Keep trying! -Heather

Very true Tracy, And we have Autumn not Fall as here only the imported trees are deciduous our winters are not usually cold enough that the trees need to "hibernate". Right now it is Summer and I'm living at our family "cabin/holiday house" up in the hills outside Melbourne. Thankfully no drought here like there is further north. But I do have to watch the fire weather warnings and be ready to scamper back to town if it gets too hot and windy. So far the nights have been coldish (5-15 C)(~40-65 F) but the days 25 (that's 80 in your crazy numbers) and up, we had one stinker with a hot north wind and max temp of 43 (~110) So mostly it's been very pleasant although you don't want to be outside between 2 and 5pm the UV is at extreme and sunburn is a given, and if there's a cool breeze or it's overcast you get caught so quickly.

Tracy another friend here saying It was not and is not your fault or your responsibility. You are in no way responsible for how your birth mother felt long term about her decision about you. And if a funeral happens while you are out of town then again that's not your responsibility or even in your control. Life happens and you do not need to take on their guilt or discomfort about ancient history that cannot be changed. Yesterday is done and you don't get a do over so face forward and take the next step. Living alone is both scary and rewarding. You and kitty are going to have a blast, and yes there will not be a lot of spare cash for treats but living your own life your way is a treat of a different sort. Here's to a fabjoyous 2019 for everyone.

More HUGS from me too. I do hope it's good news! try not to worry about it until you hear results but that is so hard. -Heather