HostTracy

Oh Pam I am so happy for you. (Catching my breath) May the blessings begin!!!!! 🙋🎇

Tranquil...Auspicious... Aspire Ok...three words. I am open-grateful-look forward-feeling inner peace (even if at moments). 🙏

🤔 I suppose it is called winter there when it is called summer here. LOL ok it's still hard for me to take in this fact. I thought about that because Janelle you said it was a hot summer but rained today. LOL it's silly I know, I do get it...our world is an interesting place. 🙂

Here...here!!!! 🙌

I couldn't agree with any of you anymore than I do. Thanks again for allowing me "to get it out". It helps me. Thank you for being a friend to each of you. 🙂

I think 2019 could hold so many happy beginnings. I'm excited, a little scared, feel blessed and look forward...something I haven't done in a long time. I have never lived alone! Believe it or not I'm 47 and have always lived with someone else. For the first time ever I am really looking forward to living with just me. 🙂 (and Kitty) I'm trying to take in all the new things happening since I was approved for disability. SSI, Medicaid, SSDI, Medicare, retroactive benefits...it's all a lot. So I'm taking it one day at a time...thinking about planning...trying not to think too much lol. Of course this all comes during the holidays which for me seems to be awash with anxiety this year. It's different. My brother passed this year, it's been a year and a half since I've been single, my daughter is having a rough time financially and emotionally, and I feel a weird sense of alone. I know I'm not...my mom, stepdad, dad, stepmom, sister and brother in law, his 4 kids (my nieces and nephews), my sister's kids (niece's and nephews), and all my extended family. I am far from alone. I have secrets though, things I don't talk about often. When I was 3 days old I was adopted (my birth mom was my dad's sister [I call my adopted parents mom and dad btw] and my birth father was a family friend). Both have passed several years ago. My birth mom of a massive heart attack...my birth dad of a brain tumor. So I guess some of my history will always be unknown. This is the first year I have reached out to my two half sisters and something happened that scared me (not good for PBA ); so I haven't reached out since. It's not my half sister's fault which makes me feel bad that I had to step back but I did what I had to do. My whole family including my two half sisters knew about me (the truth). I grew up completely bonding with my family. They are my dad, my mom, my sister, my late brother, etc. etc. My half sister's, however, have emotions about me. So do my dad and his other sister. Recently my aunt and one of my half sisters said how my birth mom was never ok after she gave me up. When I was grown with my daughter around 2 at the time she came to my dad's while we were there. She couldn't stay around me and she wept quietly outside. My dad even had wet eyes and there I was not knowing how to feel but there were no tears. When she passed I was with my then husband and Hailey on our way to Disney World. So when I wasn't at the funeral it bothered my half sisters. It's been something I haven't been able to deal with since then. I did reach out this year...after my brother's sudden death. I just kept thinking "you never know what life can bring you the next day...no regrets." It was a moment...I wonder if it sounds horrible that I just say that. My stepmom had to say something to my dad's sister about saying things to me like "I really feel that Betty (my birth mom's name) mourned herself to death over you. I think giving you up had a lot to do with her death." My half sister says the same thing to me. Well how the f<¿|| do you think that makes me feel. Not only have I felt like I don't belong anywhere at times but to add the knowledge of another person grieving themselves to death over me. It's just too much. I was fluffing 3 days old...it does not help me in any way to know that another made a choice about me and it was a horrible decision for her sanity. I am not responsible period. But these things hurt me inside and I tend to place that pain (whether I should or not) deep down in me. So it will visit me at moments. I don't think my mom, dad, sister, etc. know I feel this way. Inner demons...I suppose we all have one. So Happy New Year and pray this 2019 year brings happiness, healing, direction, and prosperity. (((HUGS)))

Sue I just had thoughts of fireworks on the 4th of July in the snow. 😰 4th of July around here is filled with cookouts, outdoor get togethers, picnics, and bathing suits/sunscreen/the river/boating and shorts and tank tops. I've always wondered where to vacation in the winter...now I know it must be in the southern hemisphere (warm, sun filled days on the beach is my jam lol). Nothing too extreme...it does exist how easy we forget to remember when we have not experienced something. 🙂 Oh my goodness we'll have to exchange Christmas cards and other holiday cards! You know they will be so different! Awesome!

Kelli I love what you said too...and visual aids - always a plus. I have not really practiced Buddhism but I will tell you that I do and have found inner peace in writings. Beautiful writings...good for anyone's soul is my thought. Thank you 🙂.

Janelle I forget you guys are opposite of us climate wise. It's hard to wrap my head around lol. I suppose snow flakes and happy snowmen are fun change of pace. Something about the holidays that just puts things into perspective. I'm glad mass lifted your spirits. This time of year for me is a double edge sword sort of. I love all of the spirit in the air but it is also cold, barren, and blah (case of winter blues). Anyway, my joints and hands really do not like it. It will wear off come spring 🙂🌻.

Blessings to you and your family Janelle.

Pam I am thinking about you. You are one of the bravest survivors I know...you always give me inspiration. Praying for you...the procedure, the results, the next step if any. I hate I can't be there to hold your hand...know I'm there in spirit. (((Hugs))) <----- (I got this tip from Sue 😁. It's a warm fuzzy virtual hug! Thanks Sue!)

Asha I wish your group is a blessing as well. We all need comradery and friendships. I think age is only a number and that inside many of us at different ages are very relatable. Kudos to you and your group!

Sue your writings are so relatable for so many and yes I agree so much that you are a HUGE support on this site. I hear you. I'm a bit different but still the same in a way. I have spent the whole of my life doing for others. It has given me much pleasure many times. However, even though I'm younger I am sort of alone. I mean I have my family somewhat near. My daughter lives about an hour away. I live with my dad and stepmom. So there are plenty of people around me. Yet I am still alone. I do this to myself in many ways...the stroke has left me very anti social. I miss companionship and friendship though. I don't like the quiet either. You know the time when you can hear all the other stuff happening around, sounds that make you nervous, or even my own thoughts are loud and intrusive. I turn on a fan at night just for the sound. I miss talking to friends, making plans with my friend, supporting each other as friends, sharing lots of things. I also miss having the company of another. (Relationship, love, companionship) I miss the quiet times when I used to not need a fan to fill up. The closeness of another. The ability to not hear as much on the outside, moving around me, living around me, doing things around me. Not that they were not there but silence is quieter when there is no one there to be in it with you. Sometimes I really feel this way when I am driving too. I have a Bluetooth speakerphone in my car and I find myself dialing my friend, my family, my daughter, my mom (I feel like I drive her crazy. I call her every day sometimes several times in a day. I even called her in the dead of night to tell her I was throwing up just because I needed to hear her...talk to her. It's such a double edged sword for me...I long for another yet I also am flooded with overstimulation around another...I miss companionship but I don't want to be around people many times...I long to spend time with another and yet doing so drains me from neurofatigue. I don't find solace. I am so glad that I have comradery here. It is one way I can fill those moments like the fan. As far as needing help...I do need help at times...I thankfully can usually get that help but I am aware that the longer I am needing the less my chances are to receive. It's knowledge I wish I was unaware of in a way. I'm not ready to think about it. I know this time must be hard for you. I am here as your friend...anytime you need. God bless.

Thanks for the support my friends. Happy December, Holidays, or whatever you celebrate!

Hope...Sue it's that word. It means something more. I wish for us all to gran it and hold on. Thank you. Janelle thank you, for so many things, I feel good inside hearing your comment. I'm so glad I am here and have you and so many others to talk with, share good or bad, to simply have have as my friend (regardless if we are 1/2 a world away)! (((Hugs))) <---- Sue I am copying your hugs...I like your version! 🙂

*First let me put a disclaimer here. I am going to talk about faith (religion if I may) as it applies to me. I never want to make another feel that I am weighing their faith or lack of in any way than my own. I believe in acceptance and only strength in whatever faith you may practice. I love you just the same. If this will cause a negative feeling in someone please feel free to click out now. I would never want that. I made a blog post yesterday that stated God had given me a gift. Just so you know...I grew up protestant and a Christian. My first church was Presbyterian and later in my teens my family began going to Baptist church. As an adult I myself have not continued this childhood tradition of meeting every Sunday for church. I have my own spirituality and still identify myself as Christian. My extended family on my father's side were never church going and for most of them this is still true. On my mom's side, however, faith, Christianity, church, etc. have always been pretty important. My mom is now married to my wonderful step dad who is a ordained minister (he no longer practices but does perform marriage service for our family if desired.). They are a praying, believing, faithful couple. Again, I accept everyone and their beliefs for who/what they are. I will always foster friendship no matter. My point is I'm not perfect and expect that from no one else...I accept you period. I am concerned that i may have said something that feels hurtful to another survivor. If so please accept my apology. You see this gift in my heart is because I have a wonderful supporting family who have stood by my side through 3 years of fighting for disability. They have prayed so many times for me and for positive help to come my way. I have been unable to work, removed my life savings to survive after stroke, have literally lost everything I possessed, live with my father and step mom, my sister has let me use her "extra" car since I moved to my dad's and pays the insurance, my mom pays for my medication, all of my belongings (nothing worth money really, just the small things I still owned when I moved into my dad's are in a storage unit that my mom and step dad pay. Heck, my mom pays for my gas to get to the grocery, to Dr. appointments or any other thing I need to drive to. If not then she, my step dad, my stepmom, and my sister take me. I am beyond thankful and I feel unbelievably blessed. I know I am. My stroke wasn't a gift. It was just what happened to me one day back in July 2015. It has and is the hardest thing I have had to endure health wise by a long shot. No gift there. I thankfully have acknowledged that out of all the bad I have taken some things away and have learned others. These things do not help my deficits but they have helped me to accept me today. I also feel blessed to have this...I know many have not received this insight themselves (hopefully yet 🙂). Still, no matter, I only wish you the very best. If anything stroke has a consequence that many feel. It can make you question, yourself, your beliefs, your faith, your body, your doctor, your abilities...simply your life. It can trigger grieving for who we once knew ourselves to be. It can make us angry...at many things. It can push us to lose hope even for a little while (or more). We may forget what our dreams were or feel they are unreachable. It can effect every aspect of our lives. We are each unique in person, beliefs, circumstances, history, our strokes, how we cope...all dynamics. I can honestly say for myself that I haven't given up, I want my dreams even if they may be different than they were before, I can finally feel I can look forward, I can finally believe in myself and in my future whatever that holds. My gift of what I feel is a prayer heard and answered. I am beyond thankful. My stroke was not a gift but my faith has given me the strength to fight and hope. I hope your beliefs, faith, or whatever you have in your life lifts you. Thank you all for all your support the last couple of years. I couldn't have felt this way without it.

Thanks Heather. I sure hope so. 🙂 I know that's what my next goal is.

Exactly what my plan is! I actually will have to have my mom oversee my finances per judge decision. I'm sure this will probably help even more.

It's been close to 3 long years since I began my application for disability. I never wanted to apply. I never wanted to be in a situation where I was in need of such a thing. It's taken a long time to accept. So I have lived with my dad, depended on my mom, got transportation from my sister. I have been on the roller coaster of after stroke effects, dealing with my family's judgements about these and after seeing my Psychiatrist for over 3 years every other month hearing him say you won't be able to go back to work like before. That's a hard acknowledgement to swallow. But I decided I have to live. There has to be more. There has to be freedom even for me. My mom's family are very big believers in prayer. So they prayed...a lot. So did I. Saturday I went to Nashville to get away and celebrate my birthday a bit. I was ready to be home Saturday night. I got my mail and there were 2 letters from SSA. I took in a breath...I have opened these many times since it all started. Then there were the words...Fully Favorable. I have won my disability case!!!! The second letter is from SSI...I qualify and am going.g to a meeting tomorrow to see what that means. I still feel lost lol. Not sure of how to do this. But I am game! I know many prayers went up Saturday thanking God for hearing me and for an answer. I am beyond blessed, so thankful, and intend on making the best I can of this "thing". I feel like I should be celebrating...and I was Saturday. So much so I felt nauseous...little did I know in an hour I would be in the grip of a stomach virus. Feeling better today. Thought I would share with my second family. Hugs! 🤗

Sounds like an exciting travel adventure Asha. So glad you got to enjoy it!