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None about my brother yet. Still saying it will take a full 6 months for autopsy results. We did, however, get resolution to the ex girlfriend crazy issue in court yesterday. I think we are all hopeful that he passed of natural causes...we can't imagine the possible other explanation. My dad has now completed his treatment and he still has another 4 weeks before a new scan to know if it was successful. He is doing well though at the moment. Me, well I still have not gotten the new medicine, Nuedexta. I have been approved and was told the medication would be sent and free but there is some sort of delay!? Not sure when things will happen. I have my Disability hearing on October 25. I have just been trying to think of good thoughts and spending a lot of time to myself in my room. Things have been very tense around here at my dad's house and I seem to be a target per se. I am praying to just be able to hold on until I can get on my on. Mentally it will be the best direction for me. Just looking for real peace Janelle. Thank you for asking. I hope things are going well on your end. 😉

Sue I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your friend Lyn were a great support for each other. I truly look up to you and your selfless deeds. You are special Sue. Much love.

Pam I really appreciate your points of view. They are a great help when evaluating the me now. I do have a safe place to retreat to...My room. No one bothers me in there and I don't subject myself to unnecessary "stuff" when I choose to be there. I really am so grateful to my father and step mother for opening their home to me. I can't control others thoughts or actions...I can only control me. When I can't, I have my bedroom. As for its all about me...well sometimes it is but not because I chose that path. Oh my, I am falling asleep as I write this...I just dropped my phone onto my face LOL. Without the possibility of babbling I'll stop here. I am having to redefine me and not by choice. It's time I put me first and that's ok.

Sue that is what I'm trying to be. I really can only tell them how I would feel if I were him because I have been there. Looking back at my own story I would have been grateful for someone to be my voice. I am not trying to be 100% that...but I can say "When I was experiencing ____..." or "____ feels like ____ and makes me ___". You get the idea. I have also tried to explain why he is where he is therapy wise and having positive support is so important. What is CPS. That he is probably very aware and has his faculties his brain just is keeping him from communicating due to the damage. Explain why he may be agitated, confused, emotional, and feeling pain or that he is having pain. How to be good to themselves and recharge...validate their feelings/emotions during this hard time. I've even talked to my stepmom about sharing with her ex sister-in-law that their are resources that can help or find ways to get them help. I've been trying to be a positive voice for him even though I really don't know him very well. I mean I still fight with my own thoughts "I just want to be who I used to be". I know those thoughts are very fresh for each one of them. I hope I can share something that may help. I just feel so I don't know...I just see the misunderstanding and the pain of that for these two siblings. He needs her in a way she can't see and she needs him in a way that he can't be just yet. This is a long way of saying I really just want to help in some way for everyone involved. I know I can only do so much but I have to try.

Very well said Sandy. I was always soft, pliable, forgiving, expecting but not critical. I've had to toughen up. It's a fine line.

I came here this morning to share something happening in front of me...it affects my stepmom and her ex-husband's family who she has remained close to. Life happens sometimes in a way so beyond what we can control. My stepmom's ex brother-in-law has been ill the past two months and having serious heart issues. Eventually he needed heart surgery and when he was in the middle of it a clot formed in the circulation machine that traveled to his brain and caused a massive stroke. 😔 It kills me knowing that sometimes when we are doing things to get better that a stroke can throw itself in the mix. He was given low percentage of recovery and he survived. It was just a month ago. As a survivor I see and feel what another is going through...it's palpable. Not just from one side but I see both...survivor and caretaker. Not perfectly but well enough. He is a shell of his former self, incontinent, immobile, has CPS...even though he is there...inside...unable to communicate to those he loves. Here is a small amount of family history for this gentleman...he has 2 sisters both of which have had cancer and one is still fighting, he has a brother with dementia, and his other brother passed several years ago. They are probably all in their 70's...age is sometimes not kind. The one sister who has already beat cancer has been his caretaker but she just can't do all that he needs. She lives in Florida but has been here with her family several months during several difficult health issues from all around. I know she is exhausted in so many ways. She has told my stepmom that she is responsible but she has also told her how bad she just wants to go home. It's her home. I know that both can only do what they can do and as much as we feel responsible it can't be everything. The sister is impatient, accusing medical staff of not working on what he really needs like: PT for his legs so he can become mobile again instead of PT for fine motor abilities which he lost. I know she doesn't understand but she told my stepmom that they need to work on the things that will get him better and she can go home. I understand...breaks my heart but I do. During all of this, her brother sitting, laying, quiet, agitated, sometimes incoherent but aware. Having to watch the world move around him like he is invisible. He has CPS and is being treated temporarily with pain meds for now but his sister is adamant that they not give him this kind of med I mean he had a stroke he didn't break his leg. She doesn't know. He is still receiving pain med but he is still suffering constantly. Why is he crying all the time? Why is he agitated? Why can't you fix this? She doesn't know. God bless the therapists trying to help him get better. They don't have it easy in many many ways. The sad truth is that no one does. All I can do is pray for all of them...say some positive words that I hope reach the family and the therapists. I am mad at STROKE!!! Just plain angry...You stupid, unforgiving, unmercifle stroke!!! You are a monster!!! I hope so much that this family and those helping to fight kick your butt!!! I can't say anything else...except please take the time to research and see it for what it is. Learn patience because stroke will take and take and take. Educate others. Forgive those who don't see...Forgive those that do...bless those that fight for both.

I'm glad for you Asha...These are sometimes hard bumps in life. I know I haven't perfected tackling them but I try. 🙂 I hope it gives you inner peace...seems as though it does.

Thanks Kelli no worries. I think you have a great point. All of you do. I think yes that I have to fight not in the physical way but emotionally yes. I'm also exhausted and honestly only me to take care of me. There are some things I have to avoid or stay away from...trying to keep my anxiety at bay most of the time. I know I spend every waking moment feeling the effects of my stroke...it is always right there. I suppose I have had to put me first...I used to never. This makes me think of the quote "you are more than your stroke". I'm going to try to be more aware and talk about the things others may want to talk about. I don't think I really have ever noticed I do it til recently. Maybe this is a new milestone. 🙂

Has anyone said to you, "It's all about you.". I have had this statement said to me numerous times. Today I have been thinking...Do I make others feel this way? Am I egocentric? Do I lack empathy or maybe sympathy? You get the picture I'm sure. There are things I have noticed about myself since the stroke: I talk a lot about myself and the stroke or stroke effects left over. I get on my own nerves sometimes. There are certain things that I feel indifferent about. My stepmom hoards (cleanly but hoards). It's caused her issues in the recent past when her mother passed. She hasn't been able to let go of her things whether they are useful or not. So much so that she pays for 3 storage units to house all the items because her house is full. (Remember I live with my dad and stepmom for now due to financial reasons.) She also was diagnosed with hyperparathyroidism about a year and a half ago. This caused her to lose calcium and vitamin D from her bones and caused several hairline fractures about her lower legs, ankles, and foot area. So she has had pain, surgery to remove three of her 4 hyperparathyroid glands and the last year to recover and build her calcium and vitamin D back up. The problems I see is that she keeps anything and everything and can't let it go besides true filthy trash. Like she rinses and reuses Ziploc bags, has an insurmountable amount of "stuff" that is buried on top of each other that is never used, has like 10 China cabinets full of glassware, trinkets, ceramic anything, things that she had "collected" through the years, all the curtains, sheets, clothing, etc. that she has had over the past 35+ years and all that anyone will give her, out of date beauty and Avon products that she refuses to get rid of and says they are ok and she plans on selling them, honestly the whole house is a trip hazard for me and wrecks havoc on my overstimulation issues, the downstairs is so full that there is a walking trail from room to room. Anyway, I can't or won't help her because I get severe anxiety and she micro manages every move I make. She got upset with me for throwing away a bar of Phels Naptha soap because it was green and cracked and just gross. It was probably 20 years old. You can still but it. She said she could have sold it. I am writing a book here, sorry. She also moans all the time like every 10-20 seconds, "uh, uh, mm, oh, oh, ooh, ooh, oh my gosh, mm, etc." over and over constantly. Especially when someone comes into the room she is in. The doctors have told her in the past to stay off her feet, be careful and don't fall, no lifting, and she does it all. She has been on opioid pain killers for over a year. She's had 7-8 MRI's. Refuses to do what her doctors have said. Actually her levels are back to normal. No matter what else, I can't seem to find I guess sympathy for her. I have a tendency to get agitated with her and get on a soapbox and fuss. I have noticed recently that I avoid noticing her grunts and groans, self mumbling, negative self talk, just everything. Granted I still talk about my stroke effects, sometimes using them as examples of how to "accomplish" things. I am getting way overboard in my explanation. I also notice that I speak about my stroke effects to many others I am close to all the time. I have to make myself stop. I don't really know what I'm trying to say...I'm sorta lost right now...my points are gone.😕 I'll just end with do any of you experience moments of egocentric behavior? lack of empathy? lack of sympathy? a more than what I Feel is normal preoccupation with stroke and self? Does anyone else feel like this toward you? Do I think its all about me? Confused...

Wow, Ruth, I am completely moved at what you have endured. It sounds like William was finding his peace you're right life is amazing. God bless you for the loving, caring, life changing role you have been during the past 10 years. As you know 1st hand stroke doesn't just happen to the stroke survivor it's effects reach far. You are a survivor and an angel for William. I'm am so glad you can feel a certain closure and release. I'm so glad you are spending time, you haven't been able to, with supportive friends. I'm so glad you are making plans and looking forward to the future. I don't know William but I could sure bet that he would want you to. I am so sorry for your loss. I think you are finding peace as well. Thank you for the brief time so far that I have been able to be a little part in your life. You ARE amazing.

Pam...have it printed and laminated then place it on a background of one of your beautiful collages. I said this yesterday...I am my own best advocate period. Your boundaries are very valuable. I say put up your electric fence. May your day and your next be peaceful. 🙂 Just keep hearing me say that last sentence in repeat every day.

Ruth I read your post with tears. I see you as so strong...Not many could feel your shoes. I pray that peace finds you both and your family. As a survivor, I can only hope that if in a similar situation that I have the love and support that you have been for William. I hope that sends a message of peace...I know I would be truly blessed and held (when I need it the most). I have you both in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so glad you are thinking about the future. I bet William is too. Hugs friend.

Pam I love how you think things out. Oh the inner child...call her to come play often. Sometimes she is stubborn but she only knows to bring with her the good feels. I like my inner child 👑 she brings bravery with the simple gift of freedom to feel joy. It's pure, it comes from the heart. So I say bring out the colors and make beautiful art until your heart is replenished!!

Thank you truly Nancy. 🙂

Pam I know it may feel rude. I don't feel that it is rude "to think". We as survivors usually know when people are genuine and have empathy and understanding...care. Resentment is something we all have felt. My best answer is don't let resentment bring out all the negative. Try to focus on positive. Realize how you feel, accept it (which is the really hard part), and then file it away and feel your inner validation. I'm a believer in changing a circumstance that elicits my negative side...that sometimes may make others feel uncomfortable but you have to advocate for you. So I sing "Let it go! Let it go!!!". Nothing is important enough to compromise your inner happiness.

Yes it is a healthy bit of assertiveness. I have never been hugely assertive but I always wanted to embrace that because you are listened to a little bit different. I've seen it move mountains. I want to move mountains. Sometimes now I feel like I do. I think that it is good for me...others look at me kinda unsure of what to think. I own it more and more every day. Kicker is I am still truly nice...assertive doesn't = mean.

I don't feel you are rude Pam. I know others may think that because I'm sorta the same way. I have had to change the way I feel about others disapproval of some things. I don't give a hoot. 😳 Now that may be rude but man it saves my self worth and helps me have a voice when others think I don't. I'm uncomfortable speaking in a group too, my only experience since the stroke is support group. Thankfully, they are all so patient and listen. I really like going. I have on occasions not in my group, made it known that I have a mouth with something t😰o say. Sorry emoji issue. I'm afraid to say it has not always come out calm. I too get frustrated when I'm on a thought and I'm trying like he'll to get it out and someone tries to finish my thought or disrupts my focus on said thought. 😓 I have been pretty vocal after. That said, I can't help but feel I have to make my point for fear of losing it forever in the lost thought realm. I conditioned myself not to be too hard on myself because of it. That's my 2 cents. 🙂

Absolutely!!! 🎉👗👊

Oh I'll have to look his music up and try! Thanks Pam!

Thanks everyone for all the positive vibes. It's a work in progress.

My prayers are with you and William during this period. I pray that the Lord will lift each of you in His calming arms in peace. I pray that William will rest without pain and you will rest with calm. Please know you both are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kelli I am thinking about you and your new adventures. I'm pulling for you...Those 1st 2 weeks are going to be hard I know. I believe in you and know once things get settled you'll do great. Fear of the unknown...that's what I think during this time of change. I know it makes me think about unknown things in future. I look up to you and am very proud of your umph! Get the 2 weeks past, get the moldy air problem kicked, and you should know I am cheering for you all the way!! 🤘👨‍👩‍👦 <---- I don't know where the family came from but I must have selected it but I can't figure out how to remove it?

Oh Sue my heart really goes out to you. I believe too that you have been such a blessing to others and that you are going to be blessed exactly what Kelli said. I feel that old saying "when it rains it pours" a lot. My mom keeps telling me try so hard to focus on the moment and not the things I don't know or that I can't change right now. Both her and I know that it is easier to say than to feel/do. I'm sending you blessings and sharing what has helped me in times of true fear. God bless you. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

So here I am. It's 11:23pm and I'm fidgety, awake, and drowning in needless thought. I'm in a state of anxiety for what I feel is no reason. I can't sit or lay still. I am weirdly hungry like ravenous and I just want to eat again and again...but nothing satisfies me. I lay my head down on my pillow and then pick it up then lay it down again over and over trying to find a "comfortable" spot. So now I'm sitting up. LOL sorry if this is boring but I just need to get anxious movement and thought out of me so I thought blogging would do the trick. It will not in the least hurt my feelings if you click out of my ramblings. Just a warning lol. I am also cold and then hot...back and forth...sometimes all my cover on and it feels like even my bones are cold. So I thought about taking a hot bath. Too much trouble says my head. Noises tonight have been particularly irritating...like my step moms cane tapping the floor as she walks or even my dads cough to clear his throat (he has lung cancer...what is wrong with me). I feel an uneasiness. Hmmm where. My fingers, my stomach, my feet, of course my head, my ears, my eyes, my scalp and hair, my legs and arms all feel strange. My throat and esophagus yep feel weird. I just want to be asleep. I have been looking at this weighted blanket it's supposed to help with anxiety. I just might try to figure a way to get one. I've been reading everyone's posts and trying to keep myself busy mind and body. That way I'm choosing what I do and think...make sense? I am going to look for some more sleep and meditation music maybe that will help. Sigh I know I should be thinking positive, being grateful, putting worry away, increasing my inner vibration, learning acceptance, etc. etc. I'll tell you though, anxiety (clinical General Anxiety Disorder) can get in the way of all that. I hear comments from those around me like "just stop worrying" "you can't think like that" "you just need to get out of the house and do more stuff with people" "we all get anxiety sometimes it'll go away in a few minutes". Hello...walk in my shoes tonight and then we can talk. It doesn't help me. I'm not whining about it I just am being truthful. It is what it is but it sure gets on my nerves. Ha I made a funny. Ok this is TMI but even when I pee it's like a nervous pee. Just realized that lol. So what are any of your suggestions if you suffer from anxiety along with other head stuff?