HostTracy

You're right ugh! In my current position someone else besides myself deals with these kinds of worries. Just that thought worries me about future events. I believe I am a strong, get things done woman. I CAN! I CAN! Your poor nose and sinuses...I hope you are not allergic to mold. I am lol. I would be one big asthma attack. I hope you get reasonable estimates for the repair or replacement. Sending you positive vibes.

Thank you Sue...meaningful words. I hope you are doin better as well. I know I say enough about my issues to irritate anyone including me lol but I feel so much encouragement from you guys even though. I'll keep you posted how the meds are doing once I'm back on them for a bit at the therapeutic dose. I'm pretty excited!

Things are finally calming down after my brother's death. Still no full answers yet from autopsy but hopefully not too long now. Tomorrow his daughter gives birth to his 3rd grandchild (a boy). It may freshen some raw feelings but all in all it will be a really wonderful day. My dad is actually doing really great during his radiation and chemotherapy...no sickness or really bad side effects. He is just over half way through. I'm so glad he's doing well. Me...I am finally calming a bit from when I wrote last time. I have seen all my Dr.s in the past month...Neurologist, Psychiatrist, and PCP. The lump on my neck is not seen on the ultrasound so my Dr. says that is good and not to worry. My Neurologist says I am doing well...She acknowledged the Cerebellar Cognitive Affective Syndrome and that Neurology would not treat it because there is not really a cure but my Psychiatrist and Psychologist would treat my side effects. My Psychiatrist had the privilege of seeing my anxiety attack for the first time in his office. Caused by a stroke of lightening and a very loud clap of thunder at the same time. It happened in a matter of seconds and he just was quiet and let me calm down before asking if I experienced this often. YES ALL THE TIME. He left the room and came back giving me a bottle of Nuedexta. He said when this works it works really well let me know in 2 weeks if you can tolerate it and if so then you will start taking these 2x a day. It will not help certain issues you are having but if it helps and is the right path then it will make a significant impact. The rest we will work on...but 1st this. It was a trial bottle of 13 pills. I am pretty sure I could feel a difference but then realized it is over 1000 per month. Crazy...undoable. So I contacted the manufacturer after about 7-8 days and found out they do have a patient assistance program. I am pretty sure I will receive the medication free. I have since finished my trial bottle and the Dr. office informed me that I had gotten the last sample but they are working on getting more. So for now I am not taking them. Still pretty bad emotional lability but calmer now...no more hallucinations, no panic attack in a few days. Just trying to stay calm. Tonight my ex Narcissist boyfriend sent me a text message asking how I am. This is a common pattern for him. Not sure what he wants this time. I keep emotional distance...and just look and think forward.

Pam you are my friend absolutely. Hugs...I am thrilled you have a friend you can call and be you with, color and just relax. I do too. Sometimes it melts the bad away. You're friend is wise...don't let others bring you down. My mom tells me this all the time. I think they are good words to hold onto. You are welcome and thank you!

Ya know Pam before my stroke I was a social butterfly. I loved being around people, loved meeting people, and pretty outgoing. Always have been. Now, however, I am a loner. People are loud to me and outside is a lot of times chaos to me. It saddens me to say I have no friends in real life anymore. I do miss how I loved that part of me. Oh I do have friends in my stroke support group locally. At least on stroke support group days or activities. My father gets angry with me "You need to get out and meet people. Go to a bar. Go out at night like I used to. Quit staying in that room.". I tell him I don't want to go out and meet people, or go to a bar at night. I like my room, it's quiet, calm, familiar. I like being alone which is hard when you are living with your parents. I am so different than I used to be. I am, of course, to myself a lot out of necessity. So far I am exhausted every time I think about doing what I used to do. Now you and I could color, talk about fashion, makeup, and gab all night til I couldn't anymore or one of us couldn't lol. I suppose I am cool with pajama parties of 2. I dont think I have added to your post but added my thoughts. I like reading your blog.

Smart advice...I tend to let phone calls from numbers that are not in my contacts go to voicemail. Being caught off guard really affects my being able to communicate my thoughts.

Your experience touches me. I see someone who is a true CARE GIVER. I feel as a survivor that is so hard to do. Bless you for the care you give and as others have said keep taking time and care for yourself. I can't put myself in your shoes but I can imagine and see what all has been done for me. I am forever so grateful. Prayers for you and your family.

Thanks for the positive words. It means a lot. I am hoping this next week will relieve some of the stress and that my new medicine will make a difference soon. I may be quiet for a while but I'm still around...sleep is my middle name right now. Thank you again.

So much has happened I don't know where to begin. My brother was buried yesterday and it was the hardest thing for my family that I can remember. I will tell you that man was he loved...by so many. The visitation and funeral were full...family, friends, business acquaintances, co-workers, and a multitude of others. All of whom grieved heavily for my brother. Everyone so kind to everyone in our family and sharing their memories and offering to be there for whatever we needed. I feel so blessed and know my brother was and was so loved. It has been a difficult tragedy to bear. There are questions...concerns. There is an ex girlfriend and her brother that have affected things. Though they had been apart for about a year something caused them to be in contact within the last 3 weeks. It wasn't anything good. Her brother showed up at my brother's house and my brother must have felt real reason to call the police. Troy wasn't the kind of guy to depend on authorities when an issue arose he met it head on and took care of it. No one bothers him. He is calm and quiet but he knows his rights and everyone around has always respected his "space". It had to be something bigger for him to involve the police. When my brother passed it was 3-4 days before he was found. He didn't show up at work which was highly unlike him. Troy was a workaholic. He NEVER missed. His co-workers went to his house and the back door was wide open but Troy would not answer when called. They didn't go in...They called the police. He was found in his bathroom on the floor in a pool of blood in a state of rigormortous and decomposition. His head at the opening of his closet and the remainder of his body in front of the bathroom vanity. His house was taped off and processed and his body was sent to the medical examiner's in Nashville for autopsy. His co-workers said they only had a number to his ex girlfriend and she was called. She came to the house and said Troy had no family just her. When it was discovered that it was my brother my sister was called and came right away. The girl said she knew nothing of my sister or anyone else. My sister told the Sheriff she was not family and was not welcome on the property and she was told to leave and not to come back. This infuriated her. The locks were all changed and his home was patrolled off and on through the night. In the morning my mom, sister, and his daughter came to the home and this girl had broken in an was going through the house. My mom found her looking under his mattress. They walked out without her seeing them and called the police. They arrived and knocked on the door and she answered and invited them in like she lived there. She was arrested for felony trespassing, felony breaking an entering, and after searching her car, purse and self...felony theft. She had stolen many of my brother's things and was filling her car up, purse, and body. EDIT: She also was staging his home as though she lived there. She had placed framed pictures of her and Troy around the house. They weren't there the day before because I was there and there were no pictures of her period anywhere. END EDIT. Later that night a male called my nephews phone and said "There better not be anyone at Troy's house the next day."- he thought he was talking to my brother in law (it was this girl's brother). She also showed up at my brother's visitation on Friday night. She had colored her hair and her and others in her car tried to get in. She was told to leave by the director and was told that she was not welcome and the family did not want her there and not to come back. If she did not leave she would be arrested...So She left. We never saw her yesterday but were on edge that she may show up again. So it's been weird and we are all left with questions. He is suspected of having a heart attack but the autopsy will take a bit of time for more answers. My dad did well earlier this week adding chemo to his treatment. His doctors have suspended all treatment until Monday due to my brother's death. He is taking this hard though he tries very hard to not show it. My mom is a rock...She always has been. My niece (Troy's daughter) signed executer of estate to my mother because she is still so young and doesn't know what to do and also because she is very pregnant with her 3rd child and due anytime. She has stood like a rock but it is breaking her inside. He was her first born. You shouldn't have to bury your children. Me...well I have been having problems for some time now and this has just multiplied it by 100. I went to my Neurologist the week before last and to my Psychiatrist this past Thursday. 3 seconds after he walked into the room a lightening bolt hit so close and so loud that I almost ended up in the floor. I went into an immediate bad panic attack. Crying was uncontrollable. The next hour was filled with tears, fears...It felt like a nervous breakdown (I'm not sure I really know what that feels like but that's what I thought). He told me that my Neurologist had already called him about me and she acknowledged the CCAS and wanted to fill him in before I came Thursday. I was surprised. It made my crying worse. He talked to me about my disability because he knows I am harboring a lot of stress over it and asked me what is frightening me (I just got a hearing date not long ago). I told him I'm terrified of going back to work because I know I will face stress everyday that I can not handle anymore. I'm afraid it will be turned down again...I'm terrified of exploding from the anxiety. He told me he did not want me to worry about disability that I would not be able to work again. I cried even more. He gave me Nuedexta and was glad I had lost it in his office so he could see. He is hoping this will help and that some of my anxiety is coming from PBA. It has not been a kind drug so far. I am so nauseous, tired and seems like a fre other things. So we'll see. Thanks for listening and please send a prayer for my family to help them and me through this heavy time. Thank all of you so much! I feel like many of you are an extension of my family and I love you.

So glad you are done and resting and healing. Thanks for the update and blessings for a successfully quick rebound.

I'm pulling for you Kelli and sending you positive vibes.

I'm glad you are healing and thankfully the med issue was corrected. I really hope you feel so much better soon. You enjoy the coloring it is still something I love and it's good for you. Hugs!

Thanks for the positive posts you guys. I really appreciate it. If you don't mind prayer for my parents, my niece ( his daughter), myself and my siblings. We sure need some right now.

Oh Sue hugs I found out about 2 hours ago my brother passed away. They think of a heart attack...found in his house in the bathroom. Sent to autopsy today. I need a break. I just need a break. I need a break. I need a break.

Lemme just get all the emotions out at once. I've been pretty terrible lately. It is definitely time to see my shrink. Thank the Lord its Thursday. Let me go through my new range of crazy. I'm depressed, my anxiety gets so high I feel like I will burst, panic attacks almost daily, seeing things, hearing things, scared because I don't know if I am seeing things or hearing things, sense of utter doom Bad Bad Bad, the crickets made me have a panic attack, I keep hearing thunder rumbles but feel to my bones that something horrible is coming...plus I'm not even sure I actually hear thunder but it's there, I have been barricaded in my room 75% of the time lately, sleeping as much as I can, I don't want to be awake, chronic headaches, neck pain...Oh yeah I have that mass on the side of my neck, crying, crying, crying, hyperventilating, completely paranoid, obsessed with trying to find answers on the internet which makes it worse, feel like throwing up a lot, obsessively sanitizing, obsessive in general, oh did I say terrified at times? I think there is more but I'm too tired to write it. So what has happened? Ok so I found out my disability hearing is October 25th good right? My dad was diagnosed with stage 1 non small cell adenocarcinoma of the lungs 'm about a month ago. He has been doing radiation for 2 weeks now and started chemo today. He has a 85% cure rate...another pretty positive note. My extremely narcissist ex boyfriend of 10 years that I left a year ago because he replaced me with a 24 year old 30 years his junior has contacted me twice in the past month. My stepmom is neurotic and a clean hoarder ( I still live with my dad and stepmom for now). I found out today that my dad should be putting the toilet seat down and flushing twice when he uses the restroom. He NEVER flushes pee. He is diabetic, has COPD but in the last month has quit smoking and drinking, has beginning stage kidney disease and now has cancer and has to have poison given to him...radiation M-F...chemo every Monday. He checks his sugar, takes insulin, all without applying alcohol to any place a needle goes and hasn't changed his Lancet in forever. I've been sanitizing as much of where my dad touches as I can because he is overly susceptible to infection plus it is a safety factor for myself and my stepmom. I asked him to flush with the potty seat down tonight (I can flush the 2nd time before I go). He yelled at me and said I am not a Dr. and that the next person can flush after he goes and if they don't like it they can go outside and then told my stepmom they needed to get me a dog outhouse. I am thinking of his exposure or extra exposure as well as mine and my stepmom's. I think he feels ostracized and that I am a reason for that. Sighs....maybe I am. I don't know. I've had to call my mom every night to be talked down including tonight cause I can feel my heart racing and beating so hard. I couldn't get in touch with my daughter for a few days...her phone was cut off and it took a few days to have enough money to turn it on again. I was extremely stressed about it and worried something had happened. Yes this is a total pity cry, pooh blog, or whatever else it can be labeled. It is my reality though at least for the past 3 weeks. Can somebody say thorazine please. I am going to go watch YouTube vvideos of kittens now. Night.

Pam I am counting the minutes with you until the RFA. I relate to the inner child in you...I love my kitty and I love looking at sweet pictures of kitties and it makes me smile and giggle like a 5 year old. I sometimes do regress into that little girl state...It's actually a one of the symptoms of the syndrome I have. But I enjoy her. She is happy and smiling and looks amazingly at the world oblivious to any darkness. I know what you mean when you talk about missing your daughter. My daughter still does communicate with me well if I call her. She is busy living life and I am not on her mind much anymore. But I miss her so. I haven't been able to reach her in a few weeks and finally this week she answered. I completely burst into tears...a stuttering mess. She was like are you ok? Her voice was such a blessing...this has been a week full of anxiety, fear, uneasiness...panic attacks 4-5...I could barely breath while the phone rang. When she answered I just cried for her. I am so sorry about the distance between you and your daughter. I really can't imagine and I feel so deep for that loss and emptiness. Hugs. I am thinking of you and pray for your relief even if temporary until next time. You are strong...tired, breathless, but hopeful...strong. I'm so glad to call you friend here.

I'm sooo proud of you!!! Of Course I wish you the very best. Kelli you just have to be honest and pace yourself. I believe in you#!

Lol I have no idea what it is. It's just there?!? Maybe I have fat left neck syndrome 😵. Whatever it is the ultrasound doesn't see it. I am just glad it isn't connected with the chronic hoarseness I am having and go to the voice clinic for. 🤗

Update: My ultrasound results are in normal range.

Thanks for your input Deigh. Today was not bad for my father...they are still pinpointing the exact spot for radiation. He goe again tomorrow but his first radiation treatment will be on Wednesday instead of today. I did go to my Dr. appointment today and yes the lump is there. I suppose I've been hoping he really wouldn't see anything. It is about as round as a golf ball but not protruding outward so much. You can see it better when I bend my neck to the left. So my Dr. Sent me to radiology and I had an ultrasound. I suppose they will call with results in a few days. I think my father knows, just because my step mom knows and has probably told him. My mom and sister know too. I really have no clue what it may be. My Dr. said it could even be a muscle that has a knot in it. He said he doesn't however think it has anything to do with my chronic laryngitis but he wants to know what it is. My thyroid he said was normal size and no nodules but there also seems to be some congestion in my left clavicle area compared to the other side. So we will see in a few days if there is any reason to look further. Still weighing in on what exactly the conversation is with my dad...but I know he wouldn't want me to keep it from him. Hopefully we'll have updates soon.

Tomorrow my dad gets his first dose of radiation for his lung cancer. We are all just in a weird wondering mood. My dad is in good spirits which I am so glad. The very next day he gets his first dose of chemotherapy. I pray it is kind to him or at the very least that he is able to be ok with it physically. I know if the chemo is too much that he can just raise a white flag and the Oncologist is really supportive of this. Just praying for whatever he goes through. Tomorrow I go to my PCP to hopefully get some answers about the lump on the side of my neck. My ENT wants me to go ahead and see Dr. Coil because it will be quicker than waiting for an opening there. The therapist said he may send me right back to my ENT and that was ok but he can do initial research into what it is. I have just kept it off my mind...kept my thoughts on my dad and try to give him positive vibes. So keep us in your thoughts and prayers and send an extra prayer for my dad. Thanks guys.

Thank you Pam. Thankfully my dads oncologist said the same but that if he was just really not ok with the chemo then just say stop. They also told him because they are going at a lower rate with radiation just for a longer time span that his side effects will be minimalized. What you said about spending time with my dad and making memories is something I want too. My dad however I has a tough exterior...it's hard to get through. He will always say "Oh I'm fine" even when he is not. So I am going to have to get creative. Make it a sort of challenge...what to do next to spend time and make memories.

It's so nice you are making friends and finding likes as well. Don't feel shy about your passions they are what it is all about. Enjoy every moment you have with your friend. You never know you may make more friends with similar passions. It really feels nice to share with someone.

Yeah spelling sometimes it sucks. This is my way of saying I spelled wrong but am too lazy to fix it even though this probably took longer. LOL

Thank you ladies for the understanding support. Heather I agree....if someone wants to go there with me then stand back I'm coming. I have at times felt guilty but I am patient...I can stay calm usually when I know someone is in the dark about my certain difficulties and when I get a chance I will let them know and what would help like talking slower and being patient with me when I give answers. But I do have a limit. I sometimes feel that I can't keep up or am talked over because I have trouble getting words out. I have been known to bring out a lion (like Pam has said become big) when I am pushed into this corner. At this point all niceties disappear and I can be down right loud, mean, and mouthy. I don't feel the guilt anymore, I have decided in almost 99% occasions you reap what you sew. Thankfully I still retain sweet reasonable self once I calm down.