HostTracy

Thank you Sue we really are trying to be really positive here. I'm glad my dad feels some relief just having answers...I couldn't imagine. Heather I think we all agree on the same thing and his Doctor too. The moment he says stop he will have no more chemo. She is on the fence about him even having it anyway and only wants to consider it because it grew rather quickly from May til now. With it being still at stage 1 she says that the possible 5% chance gained by the chemo wouldn't be worth him being really ill or ending up in the hospital over and over. He has had Diabetes for quite some time and we just found out he has early stage kidney disease as well as COPD. It really may be too much for him. It's good he can choose to stop. Thanks you guys for the support.

I have found out some more info about my dad and his cancer diagnosis. He has non small cell adenocarcinoma, it is extremely near to his esophagus and because of that inoperable. He will be starting radiation treatments on the 30th of this month. They will be lower dose than usual but for a longer time so as not to injure his esophagus. They did find 2 lymph nodes that are near and seem to be somewhat enlarged but they scanned him last week and there is no cancer metastasis. So it is still in stage 1 but like stage 1b because it ha increased in size since May. Non small cell carcinoma is good because it is much slower growing and has a much higher rate of beating it. We found out today that he will also have chemotherapy starting on the 1st of August. His odds are 80% with radiation only and 85% with radiation and chemo but it was the Dr.'s decision whether he could have both. The oncologist he spoke with today said that they have a lot better ways to relieve side effects today and he would have a choice to discontinue the chemo at any time if he felt he could not take it. My dad said today that he already feels better just knowing....it took so long to get answers and it gave him pretty bad anxiety. All in all I think we/he has had the best scenario there could be and we are all thinking positive.

I'm officially jealous Kelli. Knitting is something I have never been able to grasp. Ever. I can see why it would make you tired but it still sounds like fascinating fun to me. I couldn't imagine doing it with my eyes closed!To me that pot holder scarf thing is pretty incredible I'm sure. Best of luck on the job thing...starting out light will probably be good. You may get to really start feeling good about it and can do more (a little at a time). Let me know how you progress.

This reminds me of about three days ago when a debt collector called. Medical bills of course and actually the hospital where all my doctors are affiliated has me on a Patient financial assistance program. But it seems that it had run out and I needed to reapply. Anyways, the lady called and was rude from the beginning and was talking so fast. She caught me off guard and I don't do so well with that. I sorta got to stuttering as I tried to explain that I was on the patient assistance program. She kept interrupting me and I couldn't get out what I was trying to say. I finally got out that I had a stroke previously and could she slow down and let me talk. Well she just said she didn't care that I had a stroke I was still responsible for paying the bill and what would my payment be cash, check, card. Then she proceeded to grill me about how I was supporting myself for 3 years unemployed and why I had been seeking disability for so long. I tol her that my mom pays for my medicine and I live with my dad and I buy my food with food stamps. She said....why don't you get in touch with your mom and see when she can pay it. Ok I had had enough...mean Tracy kicked in. I told her very bluntly that my mother was not responsible for my medical bills and that they could do whatever they had to do to get it from me. I told them I was not setting up a payment plan with them as I am unemployed and that I have 0 cash, no checking osaving account, and no credit cards. I told her I would not discuss it further and hung up the phone. So when I get really #^*£<% I can get out what I need to say better just not as nice. Lol. Witch.

Thanks Asha I try to not over think others responses because I really don't want to misunderstand and I don't want anyone to misunderstand me as well. I really want to just be or say how I feel at the moment in my blog in particular. I really hope I have never come across as derogatory to others commenting. If you or anyone has felt that way then please accept my apologies. You guys don't upset me and I really just listen to comments as a helpful gesture on the others part. I can't say that everything always helps but honestly I think that is just the nature of this beast. I feel for the most part everyone just wants to be helpful in their own way and I really do appreciate that.

I love the photos as well and to see all the wildlife...a bear and three Cubs melts my heart. So glad you guys made it back to Tennessee safe and are able to check on Leslie's mom and pray that she gets better soon. Do you think it's greener up there too? I think the air is fresher and it's a deeper green. Thanks for sharing.

I hope you are right Pam. I hear how sometimes you are caught off guard ambushed and have to be big. I totally understand that. It will affect me one of two ways: I'll freeze and cry or I'll shoot back with a sharp bite. Or your dreams, waking, sleeping and how sometimes they all mesh together. I have super vivid lifelike dreams and I sometimes have to be awake for a bit to comprehend that I'm not in the dream or what I might think is reality. I can let things go Asha that is good advice. I try not to hold on to things for later. So I said what I said and that was that. I don't want to upset my sick father...I don't want to feel threatened or need to be protective either (about my father). I really like the saying people in glass houses should not throw stones. I see it as regards to both he and I. The biggest thanks is that I can let these feelings out when I am here. It doesn't always mean it's helpful for another so my blog I feel is a safe place...where I can let it out and y'all can read it or not. Thanks!

Thanks Kelli for the pep talk. I really do appreciate it them. I know you don't have to but it does brighten my day. Sometimes I just talk to let things go and you are never one to say well just don't do that or just don't feel that way. I feel ok just being me at the moment even when it is back and forth (a lot!). Thank you.

Part of my problems after stroke are psychiatric in nature. It really upsets me to be so strongly affected by every little thing. It is an emotional rollercoaster even without any physical stuff at a moment. As I said before I haven't been feeling well and have been really tired on top of post stroke fatigue that never went away. My dad woke me up screaming this morning around 6am that my cat had puked a lake on the floor and I had better get up and clean it up. I told him I would clean it but was still half asleep and fell back to sleep. I had my alarm set for 9 this morning and I got up and put some clothes on to drive and meet my step dad for a moment. It was while I was dressing that I heard the angry scream from my dad to get in there. So I took some carpet spray and a handful of paper towels with me as I headed for the back door. Just as I was about to clean up the spot he told me that the next time I don't get up when he calls me that he was throwing my cat outside that he wasn't living in filth. So sometimes my mouth says what my thought is before I can make a judgement whether to say it or not. My stepmom is a (clean) hoarder. She won't throw anything away or donate anything except food and truly gross stuff. So I said " You already live in filth everyday." Then told him again I was sorry and that I hadn't felt well. He screamed well I don't feel good either (my dad just found out he has lung cancer). I told him I knew he didn't and I had not said a word to him to fuss about anything. So I finished cleaning the spot and threw away the dirty paper towels and then headed for the door upon which he screamed "Now where are you going". I let him know I had to meet my step dad and would be back in a few minutes and left. Of Course the tears start falling as soon as I shut the door. I cried all the way to the grocery store. My step dad said he was sorry my dad cans I wore fighting. He also said that October is not that far away (my disability hearing). But then said you are going to have to get yourself together and only you can do that. I hope you get good results from your hearing but if not then you'll have to do what you need to do and work and get out on my own. I just told him I know. I wonder why I see my Psychiatrist every 2 months and still have panic attacks. Or why I take depression meds, anxiety meds and ADD meds everyday. I just need to get it together. Right? Right. Invisible. No matter how hard I try. Can't help but feel that way sometimes.

Heather, I made it. I did ask the girls if they would sit quietly keeping themselves busy watching a tv show for an hour so I could rest for a bit. The girls said oh no worries Tracy we'll be right in here...take a rest and let us know if you need anything. They are 11 & 12. It was just what I needed to reenergize my batteries a bit. Got up and made my Dr. appointment for the 30th, battled a debt collector who was very rude to me on the phone (I called the Dr. Office where the bill originates and explained I have my new paperwork for financial assistance ready to fax and I needed the total of my bills for one of the answer boxes which she nicely got for me. I then told her about the very not nice lady I had just spoken with and she reassured me that once they receive my paperwork they will fix it and to just ignore the nasty woman and not answer if I didn't want to.) She was so nice that I sorta cried a bit thanking her. She reassured me not to worry. That was my little melt down but I came out feeling ok after. I faxed my paperwork in and it was time to take the girls to my sister. Bad mornings don't always mean bad rest of the day👍👍. I am not going to worry myself about the throat issue...I'm just going to take it one step at a time. I have been feeling the relief from doing that about other things. I'm just going to do the same. 🙂

For the last 2 nights I have fallen asleep around 7pm and woke up for about 30 minutes before going back to sleep. Each night sleeping 11 hours. I had a Dr. Appointment yesterday due to some chronic hoarseness I have been experiencing since January. She poked all around my larynx area (painful) and I showed her a lump I have on my neck (wasn't sure it was there but she says yes it is and the Dr. needs to know)(she is a voice therapist-part of my treatment). Anyways, I'm thinking great. Now we go forward to last night around 12 and I woke up feeling sick...neck pain, muscle aches and joint pain, headache, sore throat, general Ill feeling. I was also extremely tired so I went back to sleep until 8 this morning. Today my sister's step girls are here while she and their dad are at work and my patience is low. My stepmom is at the dentist having 6 teeth pulled and a lower denture plate placed in. My dad now with his diagnosis of cancer tells me to help my stepmom today and complains about the girls warning their ego waffles in the toaster. The nurse calls from the ENT office and tells me to make an appointment with my PCP first about my neck and then we'll go from there. I have already cleaned the kitchen because I do that. My stepmom left a bag of dirty clothes next to the downstairs door and that means wash them. I am nauseous and my fingers feel swollen and I feel like crap. I just want/need to lay down and rest. Oh and I have to take the trash out. Lord please give me the energy and the patience to get through the day.

Nancy I too have experienced similar moments in my life probably before and after my stroke and I understand the loss of patience and a sense of self preservation. I know especially after my stroke I have had to be aware and self protective because I'm already dealing with so so much. I still love others around me and have a heart and empathy...I know I just can't let things get in the way of my self care. My sanity depends on it. It doesn't always sound nice (im talking about myself here) but it sounds like you are advocating in a way that is self protective for you and Dan. I think you have done what you could when you could and in my opinion that is enough.

I agree so much Pan. Every time I enjoy crafting I really feel good inside and it really is a great distraction. Is this collage the one we see in the picture above or similar? If it's a different one I'd love to see it. You know Every time I see anything from Betsy Johnson at the stores I think about you.

Thank you Pam we are optimistic. Today I didn't get fries while I was out but I got something I've been craving And local grocer ran out. Its called Lesser Evil Bhudda Bowl Foods Himalayan Sweetness EV organic coconut oil + Organic Popcorn + Himalayan Pink Salt. What a name. I don't feel guilty at all...organic, 100% grain, gluten free, Kosher, cholesterol free, a good source of fiber, vegan, non GMO, and no artificial anything. It has to be good for me! LOL !!! I'm still gonna get those fries soon.

Fries are a great comfort food hahaha. I'm glad I have lots of friends to share in my comforting. Thanks guys.

Jeri I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Know that you are in our prayers.

Pam yesterday I totally went off track and got 10 chicken nuggets and a Dr. PEpper on my way to Nashville to my Dr. Appointment. I left off the fries thinking it was better that I not eat those too. Well I'm still craving those fries!!!! I should have gotten them but at that time I didn't know I had something to celebrate! My A1c was 6.9 in January and I found out yesterday that my A1c is now 6.3 Not that I needed to start off on the wrong foot but one thing I do not do is beat myself up for cheating. I'm honest. Mmmmm fries!!!!!? Kelli I would share with you. I also found out a little more about my dad. He has non small cell adenocarcinoma and it is extremely close to his esophagus which makes it inoperable. They are worried about 2 lymph nodes very close to the area and there is some sort of inflammation on his lower lung...He thinks from COPD and not cancer. They will have to do radiation and possible chemotherapy...small doses of radiation over a longer period of time so it will not damage his esophagus. Two good things...It is non small cell and stage 1...oh and the Oncologist says he should have a 80-85% chance of cure.

Thank you Asha. Yes I hope to know more tonight. They told my stepmom what kind of cancer but she can't remember so my sister is going with them today and take notes. Course of treatment will be dependent on the kind of cancer and staging. I have my hopes up that it was caught early. I'll write updates. Thanks.

Kelli I have to say I'm in awe of your bravery. You took a chance and it was positive. Way to go!!!!! I know your parents were thrilled to take you to get a taste of their musical past. I would have loved to have been there!!!

Thanks Heather...the best thing I can do is try to be positive. Otherwise I don't know how I feel. Being positive is the only thing that can be good for right now.

Tonight my stepmom came home and I overheard my dad and her talking about the phone call on Friday about his lung biopsy. Seems the Dr. Had called them both and had given them both the same information that he is positive for lung cancer. So my dad told me a story...He told me he just didn't want to talk about it and that he still knows very little until they go to the Oncologist tomorrow and he didn't want to upset me. They also kept the news from each other...Dad didn't want to ruin her trip to a family members marriage and she didn't want to tell daddy while she was goner so he wouldn't be upset and alone. No matter...my dad has lung cancer. We will find out more information tomorrow.

Nancy it definitely sounds like yours and your husband's worlds are feeling much smoother. That must feel so nice for you both. It's nice to hear you two are finding new and nice ways to cope with whatever life is bringing. I think it is so great that you encourage your husband to want and need to feel useful...that means a great deal to a survivor...and to find things that help with your own responsibilities at work. He is lucky to have you and salute you for going above and beyond. I know it must be so tiring and can be stressful even though. I think it's great that your sister is giving you so much needed help to have time to recharge. Great update.

Just makes me smile! Fur therapy is so under acknowledged...I know from experience that my kitty has been a huge part of my recovery. We all need that unconditional love and a way to smile and laugh and lighten the heart. Congratulations on Leila...I know how much love and affection will grow.

I also wanted to share with you all that my dad is going through some health issues right now. Some scary ones. He has already been diagnosed with COPD 2-3 years ago and a recent chest scan showed 2 suspicious spots on his lungs....one new and one that they had noted before but it has grown. Last week my Dad had a biopsy on the new one. He had to be put to sleep and it was done through endoscopy within his bronchial tubes. He is so blessed to have a negative biopsy and no cancer found in the first spot. This past Monday he had a second biopsy where they went straight through his chest into the lung (he had to be awake because he had to control his breathing for the test). His physician just called this morning and told my dad he would make an appointment for him and my step mom both (she is out of state due to a family wedding) to come in for results consultation. I didn't say a word but I felt inside that it doesn't sound good. I really don't know though. The Dr. told my dad and sister last week that he is 97-98% positive that it is cancer but he has to find out what kind...that will determine treatment. I am just trying to be positive and present with my father while my step mom is not here so it won't trigger his anxiety. Please keep my dad and my family in your prayers and thank you so much if you do. Hugs.

I just want to share with all of you that I received wonderful news in the mail yesterday. My disability hearing was scheduled!!!!!! The day is October the 25th!!!! Months before I expected. I spoke with my lawyer today and he had really good things to say. He said he was just thrilled at the judge I got. He is really fair, really has concern for others (empathy), is not swayed by age of the person trying for disability (my lawyer says that there are a lot of judges that really look over some because they are younger...under 50), and he is very caring about mental health issues. He said I really have a good chance just because of that. Everything he said was positive. He told me he will be in touch with me at the end of July and we will work on making sure they have all the health records or anything new and that my file is complete. I am really emotional but in a happy way...it is just overwhelming that I feel some positive and I couldn't wait to share my good news with all of you. I pray and dream about the ability to have my own home and to be on my own. I sometimes try to look at home stuff I like and plan and imagine just being on my own and can make my own decisions. Just crying lol. Any positive thoughts and prayers would be so wonderful.