HostTracy

That happy feeling of accomplishment is such a huge motivator for the next time! Congratulations!!! You deserve congratulations for so much paperwork Asha and doing it with gusto!

Always an inspiration. I really understand those mid winter blues. They come around each year like the holidays. The good news that I continually tell myself is it will fade with the winter chill. Asha has a great point...going with the flow instead of being mad at it. Some things are always easier said than done but you always seem to defy that. We stroke survivors are lucky you still hang out with us Sue.

Thank you Heather . We will be welcoming baby Harper.

Pam you make so much sense to me. I can just simply relate to you. Thank you for validation and reassurance. It means a lot.

Pam I feel the same in many ways like a bi-polar yoyo. I go from happy/inspired/positive to sad/angry/depressed/feeling worthless and negative in the snap of a finger. I never know when something may switch my emotions. I wonder how many go through something similar. Not that I am not so grateful to be alive or don't see what is positive in my life and love to give my support to others....it's just emotional diarrhea. It really is exhausting.

BTW it's a girl!!!! 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

Kelli I feel so much more ok when you talk about the same issues I have too. I would never wish them on anyone but I feel understood in a way most can't convey. It's like when I tell my parents or my family that I am really tired in the middle of the day...it's not me being lazy. I am exhausted at times. Like tonight...its midnight and I have a horrible headache and I can't relax. But I have been away from my quiet room at my sisters since July 4th until yesterday evening and today I went with my step mom to my nieces gender reveal (she's pregnant) and I am literally spent....probably for 2-4 days. Thank you for getting it.

I concur Pam! Thankfully, I fell asleep just a few minutes after I wrote my post until 5:30 when I went home. Slept in my own bed, got some kitty love and yes found quiet peace. Thank you!😊 Edit: I am so sorry I meant Sue.

I've been visiting my sister since July 4 and I've really enjoyed it. Today is Saturday and I will be going home at some point today...it's about an hour away. My brother-in-law has 4 children and they are here every other week...this week. I really enjoy being around them but they all can be disrespectful and mouthy to their dad and my sister so I know at times things get a little rowdy. Today is a day that they all use to clean and work on projects. The girls (I keep them every other week) were particularly irritating and didn't want to do anything. I never have this problem with them and my sister had surgery earlier this week so I took it upon myself to try to turn the table and get cooperation. Well I am not a screamer and I have a different way obviously of parenting (I have to remember I am not their parents) and my help wasn't taken as helpful I guess so I was shooed away from their room. So I began to vacuum the wood floor upset already even though I didn't need to be. But I could hear my sister and her husband screaming their demands and disapproval to the girls and I couldn't stop the anxiety from taking over. I turned off the vacuum and went outside because I was pouring tears and just felt my whole body so uneasy. My sister came out and said are you trying to get some peace and quiet and then noticed I was uncontrollably crying. She immediately said you don't have to vacuum. I told her I liked vacuuming and then she said it's ok Murrey was just telling Miller to brush her hair and she doesn't like it and then went back inside. She doesn't understand why I lose control and for me it's not ok. It's taken me roughly an hour to get myself calm and I feel like I have run a marathon. I just prayed and swayed...Please Lord help me to not have this reaction in front of all these family members. It is embarrassing and I don't like it at all. I really hate that I am not in control. It scares the kids. It confuses my sister and her husband. I just want to go to my room and close the door and shut down...but I am not home. This too shall pass.

Wow Kelli it sounds so so I don't know a good word...scary but I don't want to pass that feeling to you. I will really be thinking about you and praying for positive outcome...and for coffee again.

Asha you absolutely didn't offend me at all. My emotional lability is a physical response I wish I could control better is all. Being rational should be a well learned thing for me but sometimes my physical reactions seem so irrational. It's frustrating is all. I hope I didn't offend you as well.

Thanks so much for all the positive vibes guys. You're the best! Pam I do feel like I don't belong really. It is strange...I feel like a guest at times just daydreaming about going home. I wouldn't tell my Dad or Stepmom for the world. I am blessed to have family that gives me a place to live...it's hard for me to admit that sometimes I really do feel like I don't belong. I would never want to convey those feelings to them. It was a "little" thing to them and that's ok. It did crush my feelings for my excitement to be dismissed...I sorta feel like things haven't been really exciting in a good while...I just wanted to enjoy that. I am so glad that I can make it through these challenging moments without completely falling apart at least after a good nap lol. I look forward to the future. Having my own home and parking place ☺️. Getting excited about something and enjoying it. I have faith. It makes me smile. It makes me realize how much I love my family. It helps me to dream, plan, and look forward to things. Thank you guys again...I'm getting all mushy philosophical lol.

I think that is so true Asha. I don't remember everyone who helped me after stroke but I have made it a point to continue to see the ones I do remember and my Psychiatrist is phenomenal! This makes me think do I thank him enough...or can I thank him enough. I sure want to let all of them know how thankful and grateful I am that once I was diagnosed they all stepped up to help me. Feeling grateful.

I'm smiling, I do the same thing Becky. Sometimes I tell a person right up front that I had a stroke and at times I stutter and can't get out what I'm trying to say so bear with me. To my happy surprise 99% of people are very positive and understanding. Now that does not necessarily take my frustration away if I do have trouble but the other person is typically very patient. Unlike you and Deigh I can talk to people on the phone but I am very well known to start out with the same explanation and get the usual positive response. I realize it would be awesome if my speech mimicked my written words...LOL I'm pretty good at writing my thoughts isn't it weird how that works. I totally get why email makes a lot of sense Becky. My daughter is sorta unsure how she feels about my forthcoming when I first speak to people. She has asked me why I do that...suppose I am just trying to reduce the frustration I may encounter. Call it using the stroke card lol. Smiles, I can very much relate to all of you. Don't take my smiles and laughs in a negative light, I get the same frustrations...I suppose it has become my way of dealing with it especially when I am not getting through to someone. It can be upsetting but I can also laugh about my own experiences like a sort of inside joke I guess with myself.

Kelli, I feel the similarities in how we are affected by the world around us. I know you understand...you experience this too. I know you understand how hard it is for it to make sense to anyone else not experiencing things like this. LOL I laughed when you talked about bird poop...My mistake Asha that was you and it made me laugh at the thought of bird poop importance...so true. I took a long nap and feel lots better now. It's ok wherever I park and bird poop and dirt can be washed away. This is just another day in the life. Hugs!!

Asha I truly appreciate and look up to your positivism. You are very right. What I write about my experiences are how I no longer can control my emotions in such a situation due to the stroke. Rationally, I know the same that what you are saying is true. I felt the same way rationally but my reaction was anything but rational. People around me also don't understand why my reaction may be so intense...as well as others who may be stroke survivors that don't have these type of cognitive affects at times. I'm aware...but I can't always control it or even understand why myself. To many it seems childish and I wouldn't disagree. My behavior and reaction is a direct affect of my cerebellar stroke and Cerebellar Cognitive Affective Syndrome. There's a simple explanation/definition of the syhdrome if you Google the full name. I hope to clarify that I really understand that my physical reaction and emotional reaction doesn't fit the situation. My frustration is that I can't always control those things no matter how much I try or understand or am medically treated for that exact moments experience. Unfortunately, this is an ongoing affect...it's just not physical like one sided paralysis or not being able to move or feel areas after a stroke. This is what is so different about my stroke compared to so many others. None of them are any less devastating but in different ways. I feel guilty or have at times, that my body was spared the paralysis and similar problems that so many experience. However, I can attest that affects in cognition, emotion, affect, and many other psychological issues can and are real, painful, frustrating, as well as not accepted by others or judged inappropriate. I don't argue that just know I can not always control it. I'm sorry, I don't want to come across in a bad way and please know that is not my intent if I am. Thank you so much for your encouraging words.

I hate that I can leave a positive post one day and then am miserable and need to let it out (though it may be negative) the next day. My moods and emotions go from one extreme to the other even though I see my Psychiatrist every 2 months and am medicated with what has worked the best so far. I still can't control it at times. Ughhhh anger/frustration/depression/feeling alone/feeling like nobody...and I think to myself why do I let something so simple so nothing sometimes to affect me. It just does...whether I am aware or do things to prevent or control it...whether I try coping skills or positive self talk. I can just end up in a blubbering mess of lonely tears. Here is an example: My dad is finally selling an older model Monte Carlo that sits under the two car carport and never moves to my nephew. I was shocked and utterly excited. I was so happy that nose I could park under the carport because the birds use my car as a bullseye or their lavatory in other words and I have difficulty finding the energy or coordination to wash it myself...oh and I am unemployed and broke always (still working diligently on disability). That means no car wash places for me. Ok back again to the parking situation. If you don't already know let me explain that I live with my dad while I am going through the disability process. Anyways, I was so thrilled that I could park under cover. My step mom smiled and spoke loudly to my father (he can't hear a thing) about my excitement and he promptly said noooo you put your suv under there. My stepmom has 2 vehicles but doesn't use her suv. His reaction hit me like a ton of bricks which I think is crazy on my part. I immediately welled up with tears and felt so alone so invisible. I finished cleaning the dishes in the kitchen where I stood and then scurried to my bed to log on and release this yucky. I'm probably taking a nap in a few moments to refuel. Again this is me using my blog as purgatory. Maybe in a couple of hours I will do something fun.

Pam I love the way you tell your "things". I can very much relate the moments and feel your frustrations and then to me it comes through with this humorous sarcasm that I love from you. Please don't take what I say as a negative because it is a compliment. I have felt heartache, frustration, anger, hope, relief, and a multitude of other things in your posts. Sometimes I feel like ®[]»]]%° to all of those fools who think they know you and can speak for you. God bless your strength and perseverance.

I completely respect that Asha. It was positive for me to get positive feedback from this Neurologist. It feels good to have better answers than I have had before. With my type of stroke being just 2% of strokes today you can get truly conflicting information due to this part of the brain and brain stroke being studied the least. It was positive to know there is more research being done. Not just for me but for all those with posterior circulation strokes. Better knowledge means sooner and better options for rehabilitation. My need for better answers is not just for me but for those like me as well. All I can do is learn how to play cards dealt to me since I never had the options for the time sensitive treatment having not been diagnosed when I was rushed to the hospital but 2 months later when my PCP was shocked by my very abnormal reflexes and sent me quickly to a Neurologist. The Neurologist last night said it's time the neurological field get serious about cerebellum study and that was such a great thing to hear. It could help so many people in the future. Thank you so much for your opinion.

Tonight I went to a special stroke support meeting where a stroke trained Neurolgist was our guest speaker. Even after all I have read and been through it was really an enlightening experience. As I listened to some statistics it made me feel so sad inside. I truly wanted to cry for myself and the many many thousands that experience stroke each year. That doesn't even include the many many thousands who are just affected by someone they know or love having a stroke. Did you know that 795,000 Americans will have a new or recurrent stroke this year. This only includes Americans!!!! Stroke is the #5 cause of death in the US, killing more than 133,000 per year. That is 1 in 20 deaths. More than 690,000 per year of US strokes are caused when a clot cuts off blood flow to a part of the brain. IV-alteplase can be administered in select patients within 4.5 hours of stroke onset. Mechanical thrombectomy (much newer and the newest research and procedure) can be performed up to 24 hours after stroke begins in select patients. Learn and share the warning signs of strokes (not all but most kinds fit this). Spot a stroke F.A.S.T. F~face drooping...A~arm weakness...S~speech difficulty...T~time to call 911. Don't wait remember the T. I encourage you to visit www.stroke.org and click Menu and then Understand Stroke. Be sure to open all the blue subjects with arrows beside them and refresh what you probably have read before. Even though, it is still staggering. Like I said before these statistics are only for the US. Well I know so many of you who are from other countries. The magnitude of this realization is unexplainable for me. The impact is mind blowing. In the US, stroke is #5 cause of death and #1 cause of long term disability. Speechless. I had several questions for the Neurologist concerning my own type of stroke in the posterior region of brain blood flow. I had a cerebellar stroke (2% of all strokes and probably less % for mine which was bilateral). Just as I have found within the medical community the cerebellum is the least known about part of the brain. For more than 20 years there has been much research into the higher learning affects cerebellar damage can cause. I was diagnosed with Cerebellar Cognitive Affective Syndrome during my second year post stroke by my Neuropsychologist. This syndrome is a much studied and debated subject. Many physicians are either unaware of new findings or fail to accept and follow the progression of research. This makes it really difficult for someone like me to get consistent up to date care...the Neurologist acknowledged my concern as truth. I was emotionally overwhelmed at the moment. Validation is life changing sometimes for a stroke survivor. I personally thanked him after the seminar and he gave me some Medical contacts that could be truly beneficial for my issues and background. This was a most informative, and truthfully enlightening seminar. I just had to share.

Sue I agree there will probably be no apology which is wrong. Patients handicapped or not should be spoke to with dignity. Mistreatment by a professional is unacceptable and Pam I am a l so glad you stood your ground. In this day and age (I'm only 45 so a weird thing for me to say but I see it too) a lot of this type of behavior is accepted and done without consequence. It's a real shame...on those who should be advocating acceptance and dignity to others and be a problem solver not a nuisance...including medical professionals. Be your own advocate because you can't trust that someone who should Will. Hugs for you Pam...you be your own advocate.

I so much agree ladies. You be your best you, learn from others misgivings, and never let them take away your sparkle. Pam you keep right on making those pieces of art or whatever you would like to call them. I miss doing things for others appreciation sometimes...not that I don't or they don't appreciate always...just seems less. That's when I made it a very real thing that I did things for me. Call it stingy or call it self love and appreciation.

Sue I enjoyed having the girls here during the day last year. We had fun...sometimes it's fun getting to let your inner child out . Sue the heat is crazy this year! I read that the UV rays are stronger this year than in a very long time. Whatever it is I am forever thankful for the AC.

Thank both of you about the house compliment! Unfortunately that was my Nashville home with the butt Adrian. I loved that pink house though. That mulch around the shrubs was my do or die project and it took everything I had to do it...I can remember working for 5 minutes and was done for a good 2 hours. I was determined and so dizzy from vertigo that I basically lived on the ground in the dirt while I was doing this lol. I have never felt so accomplished as I did that day I laid down the red mulch. I took so many pictures and the neighbors up and down my street would stop and compliment my work. They knew I had been recovering from a stroke from watching me wobble down the sidewalk each day with my walker or cane. Kelli I'm afraid to tell you that this year has been a killer for me...I can not handle the heat it's been really bad!!! I don't know if I could do it again lol.

Asha I really feel you hit the nail on the head. Having a stroke is almost or is a mourning process. We each mourn differently but one thing that everyone gets to is getting over that hump and coming down the other side. It probably changes us forever but I think so many can learn strength. Thanks for your point of view it is always positive and inspiring.