HostTracy

Staff - Stroke Support
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    2,750

  • Joined

  • Last visited

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by HostTracy

  1. HostTracy
    I am here forcing myself to write because I just haven't felt like it but it is good. The last month has been extraordinarily hard and lonely. It's funny how a person really takes on a companion's or spouse's likes and dislikes. Ok at least for me it is. I have pondered on who is Tracy many times this month and what do I like and what do I not like. For the most part I can tell that my partner and my daughter were my big triggers for panic attacks. I have really only had 2 which is better than it has been. My obsessive/compulsive thoughts are less than before I left. I still have fatigue, night time vision problems, a slight stutter, some balance issues, and headaches. 
     
    So I will talk about the bad first. Before I moved from my home and from Adrian, my days were unpredictable and I wondered if we were good. I was paranoid about what he did all the time. I was compulsive, my moods were so up and down. I do know I loved Adrian...and I still do. Unfortunately, it doesn't just stop...go away. The first week of staying with my father were excruciating. Everything I had known and depended on everyday was gone, changed, instantly not the same. I felt odd, like I was in another body...all I could do was feel pain and cry. I contemplated calling him, pleading with him to go back to what we knew...what I knew. This was so difficult not to do. My emotional lability was affected more than ever, sometimes every minute. I think that is how I took steps too...it was minute by minute...hour by hour...day by day. I thought of nothing else. No car, living back with my father, alone, no hope or vision of the future.
     
    Day by day I began to do things. Cook my dinner, wash my clothes, make my bed, decorate my planner, and I began to have a bit of a routine. There were less bouts of crying and hopelessness though this still happened every day. My cat was scared being in a new place and I could barely find her...she would hide. I missed her going to sleep with me each night and generally being there with me. This too got better...she finally felt she had 2 rooms she could feel safe in..the formal livingroom and my bedroom. Then one morning I woke with her laying sleeping by my head. I really almost cried. I still didn't have my own transportation for the first 3 and half weeks. My sister was so wonderful to let me take her 2nd car that she didn't use as my own. It was a nice SUV but had sat for about a year and it had problems now. My mom had it towed to her mechanic and he began working on it until finally one day my mom and step dad surprised me with it. Wow what a day! To feel a kind of freedom for myself meant so much!
     
    I drove for two days before it broke down again and back to the mechanic it went. My mom and step dad were paying to have this vehicle fixed safe for me. I am truly blessed that I came here with 0 (NOTHING) and no way of attaining funds for myself. What a wonderful family I really do have...a place to live because of my father, a car because of my sister, and a working car and even some spending money because of my mom and step dad. I sat back and thought about each thing and how blessed I really am. I am still lonely and it feels hollow. I probably call my mother and step mother more times per week than any person should lol. So slowly and carefully I am emerging...each day is a little better. I am trying to choose the positive things I remember about Adrian and I. It seems like it would be so much easier to just forget everything but after ten years I don't think you can.
     
    "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson
  2. HostTracy
    It's been a week and a half since I moved to my Dad's. For those not aware, my partner cheated on me and is now seeing a 24 year old employee. I had to go for my own sanity. This has been the hardest thing I have experienced since my stroke and is even harder than my divorce 11 years ago. I truly love Adrian but I do not know him anymore. I must be honest the first two days at my Dad's were awful and I spent my time crying and trying to figure out how to go back and everything be right. I even texted Adrian and told him I missed home.
     
    Last weekend I helped my parents to move my little sister into her new house (her husband and 3 boys all under 6). It is a beautiful house, a log house, and inside is so beautiful. Well instead of taking it all in I cried all weekend! After  this sad weekend I started to feel a little better...crying less, thinking about the future, and feeling more comfortable at my Dad's. I think living with my Dad has brought back these feelings of not being able to live on my own. I experienced these early in my life and after my stroke. Losing your independence as an adult is so difficult and can feel so helpless. I still have no vehicle to feel some freedom in but hopefully this week that will change that.
     
    I finally felt in myself that I can do this. Trust me that was not the case a week ago. I felt so out of place. Everything felt so wrong. So I have gone from taking things hour by hour to day by day. I can breathe easier today. I've done my change of address and went through the process of changing my address with SNAP (food stamps) and am doing my best to feel better each day. The decision to leave has been scary...I have no income, no savings, and it feels yucky but I have wonderful family. Just that is irreplaceable and a blessing.
     
    My wonderful sister invited me to her new River House for Memorial Day Weekend. I went Friday evening and just relaxed. The next day we boated even though it was cloudy all day. Can you believe I got a sunburn! Thankfully not bad at all but really unexpected. We had delicious pulled pork BBQ that cooked all day while we were out. It also was my sister's 50th birthday and I was so glad to be there and help celebrate. It was a great weekend. I came back on Sunday and was so glad to see my kitty. My heart has felt some warmth this week. My mom also took me shopping and bought me some new clothes and 2 pairs of yellow box flip flops (they are the best!)...It meant so much to me.
     
    I've decided how I am going to spend this time recovering. I am going to join our local rec club and work on getting healthy, work on my tan, and make my life all about me. That's my secret it gotta be all about me. Time for me to be stingy and not feel guilty. The healing has begun.
  3. HostTracy
    Believe it or not last I think I was more motivated to get out there and plant some things and really be a caretaker myself. This year I am still planning and I am going to do it again...just flowers and herbs. I have had to talk to myself more about it and remind myself how I loved it. I already got flat leaf parsley, rosemary and oregano and my strawberry plant from last year made it through the winter and has new growth even blooming a bit. My daughter has planned today to pick me up so we can go to the garden store and buy compost, mulch and flowers...maybe a couple more herbs. I'm excited!
     
    It's been a beautiful spring...early this year but everything is almost all lush and green. It's easier to see the beauty around you at this time of year I think. I have been thinking about what I can do different this year. I have two very large pots that now will be beside each edge of the stairway up to the porch. Today I'll look for the thrill, fill, and spill fillers. That's how the "gardeners" say to do a potted flower garden and this is what I used last year. I definitely want to do something different this year. The only other color I already have coming up is light pink day lilies so I think my options are pretty large!
     
    Now it's time to beautify my shrub area which I did last year as well. This year is easier...I'm just hand tilling laying down some compost and tilling it in and then covering with beautiful red mulch (I know they say red mulch is not the best but it looks beautiful and all i have in that area are shrubs and 2 day lilies. I did do something different for this year. I went to my local grocery store and asked if they could donate some paper bags to put down as my weed barrier and they were glad to. I have never done this but determined to this year! Wish me luck.
     
    Spring has started out with a big bang as we celebrated Easter at my moms house this past Sunday. It was so much fun watching the little ones hunt for eggs in the yard. I also helped my mom by making treats for the big day and they are super cute! We couldn't have asked for better weather...it was beautiful and not too hot all day!! I also got to show off my new car! I am still loving it so much. I went and visited my great grandmother, my step-mom, and my Daddy earlier in the day and we had an Easter lunch. All in all it really was a wonderful day! I'll add some pictures of the treats below.
  4. HostTracy

    Changing Times

    By HostTracy,

    What can I say it has been a rough week. This week for some reason I fell depressed and anxious...to the point where I did nothing for 4 days or maybe 5. I did see my Psychiatrist and we discussed all of these issues. For the first time since I have seen Dr. Chalfant, I broke down in his office. I just couldn't stop it from coming and my answers seemed to all be "I don't know". Even on beautiful days getting out of bed or just not sleeping was a huge challenge. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflection to try and give myself some possible answers so I can start that steep climb out.
     
    One: time has changed figuratively and literally. The spring time change is usually very positive for me but this year it was harder than I can ever remember. Two: Hailey moved into her own apartment and she is really enjoying it but I think this is affecting me way more than I realize. Three: Adrian is working the longest hours every day and he is exhausted. His work week is like up at 4am...work til 6pm or 7pm...eat...have ice cream...and pass out (over and over and over). Four: The double whammy...because I am here by myself so much like all the time. Hailey is gone, Adrian is a visitor and I am lonely. 
     
    I think these things have made me blue. I also do believe that my anxiety has been higher recently. I have had minor medication changes but anything even small can have its' effects. No matter, I have to climb out of this. It doesn't just disappear without my effort. So I have been trying to pay close attention to my daily schedule and make myself do things. Replacement is not always the answer but I have to start somewhere. I have been making myself get outside and do little things like pick up twigs, tidy the gardening things, put up a small bird feeder and trying to make plans for this years gardening projects.
     
    Today I am feeling a bit better...more hopeful. I have reflected on how much improvement I have accomplished since the stroke happened. It's hard for me to remember but I am making a point to do so. I sometimes don't give myself enough thought or credit for the hurdles I have crossed. I went from the inability to walk except barely with a walker to a gardener, home cook, a driver, a walker on my own two feet, a blogger, a planner whether I get it all done or not. I have a lot of triumphs I can be proud of. My desire to improve is still there. My need to learn about myself is forefront and I stop to see the beautiful things that I once didn't think about. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter. I believe that sometimes we need to do before we reap internal feeling. Push through...fight...believe all whether we see the positive or not. It will catch up and wash over you.
  5. HostTracy
    It has been a week since my daughter moved out of our house and into her own apartment. I never knew it would be so difficult LOL.
    First she was having a lot of anxiety about packing and I helped her but she avoided this right until the last moment. This meant spending a long night up really late packing boxes that could have been done much earlier but we did it. It then meant the next morning we woke early and she went and got her keys and officially signed the lease and actually found out where she was and if it was 1st or 2nd floor. <- This was important because my step dad was coming to help and a lot of stairs would have been really hard not to mention I am a snail going up or down stairs and can't repeat over and over.
    After loading up my step dad's truck, my car, and Hailey's boyfriend's car they took the first load to her new apartment. I stayed behind and worked on getting boxes to my livingroom so they could easily get to them. One more trip and we had everything! I went up the steps and by this time I had to just stay there while they unloaded. After this I took my daughter to buy her some groceries and some essentials she would need. We were both exhausted and at one point she just cried a little and said I just want to go home.
    We walked into the new apt. and there was her boyfriend unpacking and putting things away! I was so surprised and thankful that he was so considerate and helped her. It was surreal driving back home knowing that my baby was not coming with me.
    The first week has been quieter than I can ever remember. After a couple of good days of rest I began to move things into the spare room. We have a little house and al the things I didn't have space for just ended up behind a rocking chair or lining the walls. It was like I had so much more breathing room. I am still working on moving things but the difference has been phenominal. 
    I waited a few days before I called her to let her get settled in. We spoke for the first time amicably in a long while. I told my mom it was really nice and now we can make plans and have lunch or do things together occasionally. I miss her though...I really miss her. I do already feel less stressed. It was time and a huge stepping stone in both our lives. I'm proud of her and she has surprised me with important decisions. This helps me feel better about setting her free in this big world. I pray that she soars!
  6. HostTracy
    How I See My World
    I look all around and it's hard to believe,
    That a broken mind has set me free.
    There are no agendas in my sight,
    No time crunches or policies I have to fight.
    Less fuss, less scurry, less stress for me,
    The world is quieter and calmer than I once believed.
    The wind on my face and the rustle of leaves,
    Is warmer and more magical than I once conceived.
    Even the blinding lights have beauty to behold,
    Starbursts and halos and rainbows to unfold.
    Time has more meaning and more gifts to unwrap,
    No lifeless moments or thoughtless traps.
    I once thought this stroke of broken life was just pain,
    but I have learned to look through it and see blessings the same.
    So take what is bad and turn it around,
    Because life is a blessing and serenity can be found.
     
    Tracy
    3/2/2017
  7. HostTracy
    It's official my daughter will be moving to her own apartment in 2 weeks. She is 20 so I know at around this age more or less the want to break free. Her and I haven't got along very well this year. She has done so much to help me financially and she is just tired of not being able to use her money like she wants to. She also gets so upset with me when I just ask her a simple question. All I hear is "I'm a adult!" I think it is hard for kids to understand that once a mom always a mom. I am excited for her and proud that she is taking this big step but it's hard for her to see. I do worry like any mom would. I don't want my only daughter to struggle in the real world...we want to keep them close as long as we can. Even so I am supportive and I pray that she makes a great go of it. I wish I could help her out more than I will be able to she still needs a lot of things. My mom has 2 or 3 of everything so she is going to help a whole lot. I wish she could see my excitement for her and that I support her and love her. We've been fighting so much...my mom says its ok it will pass that this is her learning who she is and finding her independance. My mom did the same thing for me and I got married and moved to another state. It must have been hard for her. It is hard in it's on way. I can't explain it, I want her to get out there and take on the world but I am sad too.I suppose many parents feel this way when their children leave home. My mom told me a long time ago that aliens pick up your child when they are teens and bring them back usually in their early 20's. This made me laugh and is sorta fitting...bringing up a teenage girl and now a bright young woman has been some pretty hard business. I pray that she still holds my pearls of wisdom I have tried to give and can remember them when the time is needed.
  8. HostTracy

    Do You See Me?

    By HostTracy,

    Here's a poem I wrote yesterday....sorry if it it long.
     


    Do You See Me?


     

    Do you see me. Look here...right here. I look to your eyes searching for an answer. You look at me, or is it through me. I feel like a ghost, unseen yet in your path. Then, it happens...you walk past me or is it through me. Either way, I am but a shadow of who I used to be. Behind you I follow and tell you I'm fine. Just a lingering dark shadow behind your lit face. It's the light, then you, then me. If you only you looked back then you could see. See..."HERE BEHIND YOU!" I shout loud and clear. You just keep walking silently. I watch you and shudder from the noise all around. I'm scared and alone...just praying you'll see me. To put your hand out and catch me if I fall... or save me from my broken, loud world. It all moves past me so fast; I can't breath. I'm shaken and frightened at every turn. Praying my path, your path...will lead me into calm. Every day I fight just as hard. Today is no different as you walk in the light. Behind you I'm waiting. Look back at me. You look but all you see is a shadow...cast from the light I never see.
     


    Tracy Miller 2-15-17


  9. HostTracy

    Gratitude...Sunday

    By HostTracy,

    Things I am thankful for today:
     
    1. I am thankful for my recycle bin because over the past year it has kept me busy and I think about "What am not recycling that I can?"
    2. I am thankful for my 1 cup of coffee in the morning...I may limit it but each cup is like a littlle slice of heaven.
    3. I am thankful for the energy I have had the last few days...I even had 2 days where I marked everything off on my To Do list.
    4. I am thankful for my vacuum cleaner bought 2nd hand for $25 because it has been a powerhouse for the past 4 years...a great buy!
    5. I am thankful for the mild weather we have had this winter because I can get out and enjoy the outdoors often.
     
    Yay I remembered Sunday's list!!! This has been a week of gratitude that I might just have to keep doing every day!
  10. HostTracy
    I missed a day again so here goes:
     
    1. I am thankful I still have a few friends that care about me even if they don't call.
    2. I am for my vacuum because believe it or not my kitty loves to be vacuumed and this surely cuts down on flying fur.
    3. I am thankful for fresh berries because nothing tastes so fresh and delicious.
    4. I am thankful for my medication because without it I would be a whole different person in a bad way.
    5. I am thankful my neighbors who have been so kind to me.
    6. I am thankful for Landlor and friend because he has been so flexable working with us during such a hard time.
    7. I am thankful for the memories I have of me before the stroke. This has been a hard one. At one time I wished I didn't remember but they help me strive a little harder.
    8. I am thankful for my team of therapists who literally helped me stand and walk on my own two feet. I learned so much from all of them.
    9. I am not thanful that I endured a stroke but I am thankful for how I look at my immediate world differently now. I appreciate things I never thought about before.
    10. I am thankful for the birds and squirrels that visit my yard every morning because kitty loves to watch them as much as I do.
     
    Today is Sunday so I will have to try and remember to come back tonight and write todays gratitudes.
  11. HostTracy
    Today has been a very productive day for me. All but 1 thing on my list is done even baking a loaf of bread!
     
    1. I am thankful for the internet which is weird but I learn a lot of things from there, you guys are here, and sometimes it's what I CAN do.
    2. I am thankful for sun setting we had a beautiful horizen this evening and I took pictures.
    3. I am thankful for the energy I have had today it's added to how I feel about myself .
    4. I am thankful for planning a day ahead it's not so far that I won't know what to write but helps me stay on schedule.
    5. I am thankful for my hands because I could not have made bread without them.
     
    I hope everyone has had a great day!
  12. HostTracy
    Here goes:
     
    1. I am grateful for my Psychiatrist who has helped me tremendously. He helps me feel less crazy and I mean that.
    2. I am grateful for my bathtub because it can always help me when I need to get warm, relax, have less body pain, and ofcourse clean body and hair!
    3. I am thankful that I can cook dinner for the most part this makes me feel useful.
    4. I am thankful for my friend and aquaintances I have met here you guys rock and help me more than you'll ever know.
    5. I am thankful for my sister because she is always there for me and makes me feel normal if there is such a thing.
     
    Gratuity doesn't have to be something big or life changing. It can be anything...the wind, the sun, a card, a friend, a cake you love, anything .
  13. HostTracy
    I missed yesterday so I am doing 10 for today .
     
    1. I am thankful for my legs because I still get pretty much where I want to be.
    2. I am thankful for the rain and thunder today it was soft and didn't scare me and I took a wonderful nap.
    3. I am so very thankful for my bed I LOVE my bed!
    4. I am thankful for my neighbors on both sides pets ( doggies) who have become my friends and let me visit with them.
    5. I am thanful for my coat that my mom gave me for my birthday it fits and looks great and I love wearing it.
    6. I am thankful for my night light because I depend on it in the dark when I wake up (I don't see very well in the dark at all but light is something I can focus on.)
    7. I am thankful for my daughter because she took so much care of me when I had the stroke even when it was really tough. I love her.
    8. I am thankful for root beer because I love it sooooo much lol.
    9. I am thankful for my mom and step dad because they are helping me with some important stuff. I love them.
    10. I am thankful for Adrian when he helps me feel safe when it storms (I hear one coming).
     
    What are you guys thankful for?
  14. HostTracy
    I have been so blue lately and one thing I did when I first had the stroke was the 5 things a day gratitude list. This is my challenge to myself to complete 1 week of my own list of gratitude (5 a day). I think this is good for me.
     
    1. I am thankful for my mom because I know I can always go to her even when I can't to anyone else and she loves and helps me.
    2. I am thankful for our car...we only have 1 between 3 adults but I know that without it life would be a harder struggle.
    3. I am thankful for my planner Because it is my memory list and it's why I get some things done.
    4. I am thankful for my kitty who is my best friend and companion. She is always here for me always.
    5. I am thankful that Adrian can give me rent money. It is a huge blessing that I have a roof over my head.
     
    Here's my first list.
  15. HostTracy

    Things are changing...

    By HostTracy,

    It's been a while since I have written a blog. Just haven't been able to sit and do it. First I am so much better from having a really bad respiratory infection that triggered my asthma terribly. I can't explain what it's like to not be able to breathe in air. It is scary and panic is right at your surface. I have had to use a nebulizer for 2 weeks to get effect from my asthma medicine it just delivers it so much better. Then right in the middle of it I get the most horrendous urinary tracy infection. Needless to say I really felt bad. My doctor made me come in again because his nurse told him I looked and sounded horrible when I went in to give a urine sample. Finally though I am beginning to feel better. I've had a lot on my mind this last month...my daughter and I are not getting along at all and she has decided to move on her own to get away from me or me and my husband. I wish I could say I am boasting how proud I am that she is growing up and finding her independance but it has been a roller coaster ride. My daughter can say really hurtful things, downright mean things, as a mom it makes me question myself as a stroke survivor it cause extreme anxiety. My husband also has a new job which is great because he is making so much more now. We didn't find out that they don't cover "domestic Partners" (he and I are not "really" married but we have lived as such) on their insurance plan. So I went from having insurance to thinking that soon I would have insurance again but now we find out that Cobra will be 1000/month and the marketplace about 850. I won't know until later today if I will be getting any insurance. Adrian told me he would take care of it so I have tried to put my faith in his words but it will be difficult...rent is due and other bills and food. I have worried myself to death. I'm so scared of not having insurance. The amount of medicine I take, the amount of Doctors I see and the fear of having another stroke is just weighing on me. Ok for the positive part my mom gave me a great wooden shelf that works perfectly as a kitchen island and it matches my cabinets like it was meant to be. It has made me so happy and I have just told her over and over how thankful I am. Just life's roller coaster it will get better...this too will change.
  16. HostTracy

    After The New Year

    By HostTracy,

    Things are all quiet now after the holidays and I have been more tired than ever needing a nap each day this week. I'm still in the process of some psych med changes and that doesn't help. My husband has been working nights during his training at his new job but this will end soon. Our king size bed feels really big when he's not there with me. I think I have gotten into a habit of going to sleep a bit later than usual so this could explain all the naps. Whatever it is its sorta blah.
     
    I did however have some excitement in the last week. We had our Christmas after Christmas! I got a big fluffy white comforter because mine was way past done. I love it! I also got a pretty necklace that has a blue crystal in it and on the back is silver and it says "I love you to the moon and back" and I adoree it!!! My husband was having difficulty giving me my last 2 presents. He wanted me to know they aren't really presents but he wanted me to experience something new. When I opened them it was a light up electric cork screw and a wine aerator. I never drink anymore so I understand now why he was hesitant to give them to me. He told me he wants me to try some after being put through the aerator that it is much better and he knew I didn't have any drinks anymore not that I ever have but he wanted to show me something I haven't experienced. All in all it was a great Christmas and I feel so blessed. We are helping my daughter buy her first set of tires for her car for Christmas and my husband got a very nice watch (a diving watch). It was just what we needed to bring a little cheer into the new year.
  17. HostTracy
    It's seems so long since blogs have been available and a big than you to Steve and team for being able to bring this great thing back online. Holidays are now passed and we are enjoying the beginning of our new year! My birthday was Dec 2nd and we decided my birthday and Christmas would be after the New Year because money was an issue this year. I am looking at 2 of my gifts which arrived this past week and I've been told no opening until they all get here. I am patient but I see them here on the table every day beautiful material bags wrapped closed with a white ribbon. I can even feel the boxes inside!!! I sorta feel like a kid again when waking up Christmas morning and running into the living room to see all the gifts under the tree. It's exciting!
     
    All is good here and winter has already given us some snow! Not a lot but enough to enjoy is beauty. Over the holidays I was able to see both my mom and stepdad as well as my Dad and stepmom. I also had a great time visiting with the rest of my family. I sure miss them. I did have to battle a camera flash about 4 times until I could get it out that I couldn't watch that. I didn't even think about that until that night. It was like when it flashed a jolt of lightening hit me and I went blind for a moment. Needless to say I wasn't the same the rest of the evening LOL.
     
    I also got most of my Christmas Want To Do list which I did instead of a New Year resolution. I was proud that I actually got so many of them done and had I not made my list to guide me I'm afraid I wouldn't have. All in all it was a good ending to 2016 and now it's been a year and a half since my stroke. Things are starting to feel better, different and I'm accepting things or starting too and it helps me to feel good about myself. Here's to the progress of 2017 and to all of you!
  18. HostTracy

    Twice In One Day!

    By HostTracy,

    It must be a full moon because believe it or not craziness happened again on my street. This time two girls were fighting and two guys were trying to break it up. One guy was standing between the passenger seat and the door of an SUV and the lady in the car hit the door and it closed on this guy. Then the lady in the SUV rammed into her car then they both backed up and ran into each other. I called 911 for a second time about totally different people and told them they better get back over here pretty quick cause by that time both girls were out of their vehicles again and fighting. Then another car shows up and a guy and a girl jump out and then the girl commences to try and beat up the girl in the car. The girl in the SUV had called them it must have been her friends. All the while the two boys were trying to keep them apart. The police finally arrived and made everyone stay. I could hear them blaming each other which pretty much is true except the car rammed first. Come to find out the lady in the car had an infant in the backseat!! and the lady in the SUV was pregnant!! :nonono: Way to go morons! The fire dept. showed up and a wrecker had to come and get the car. Another hour and a half of craziness!!!!!
  19. HostTracy
    I hope I helped someone...this morning I heard a big bang or pop and it scared me it was really loud and close and sounded like a gun. Moments later there was a guy and a girl in the street and he was punching her in the face I called 911 and the police came 1 then 2 cars then 3 and 3 more undercover cars with cops who had protective vests on. It's been over and hour and 2 policemen are still there. It was scary! I don't live in the best neighborhood so I pleaded with the officer to please keep me anonymous. I think that the guy had taken a bat or tire iron to the young ladies car lights and I think that was the pop. Anyway I hope she is ok and I hope to not see anything around here like that anytime soon!!
  20. HostTracy
    Being thrifty at Christmas is one of those things that I don't enjoy. I don't spend an enormous amount by any means but maybe one gift and a card seems hard to me. I shouldn't complain...my Christmas check off list is coming along well, I get to see my mom and family this Saturday and just the whole atmosphere at my mom's is magical. All the grandkids get presents and all the adults get money (the same amount each year) which has made us all cry at one moment or another just out of need and feeling all their generosity. We all look forward to the cards our mom gives us (my sisters and brothers) because she writes in them every year and there is never a dry eye. There's just a lot of love in that house especially at Christmas. I know I will feel it but I won't be able to give presents to my mom or step-dad or put in a present for the clean version of dirty Santa. I just want to give back. At home we are going to have to be so frugal with Christmas that we may each get a small gift or one that we will all use. We've had to do this before so that's something I'm prepared for. I don't think Christmas is all about gifts...I just love to give. It makes me feel good inside. I have been working on a cookbook all year for my family and have it all finished and ready to print but we found out it was going to cost like $300 to get it printed for everyone. I intended on putting the pages in page protectors and into a 3 ring binder that can be added to.So now I am considering sending the cookbook around electronically and allow each family to decide if they want to print it or keep it on the pc. I've worked so hard on this project and put my heart into it including how I wanted to present it to each family. I can wait and save up money and do this later but that means no gift giving at all for me. That's just hard. But I know how it will be because we have barely $20 to get down there and back and both hubby and daughter do not get paid until next week's Friday. This is really just a good way for me to vent and let off that pressure a little I feel inside myself.I know this Christmas will be a blessing none the less.
  21. HostTracy
    I am so happy to say that I am halfway through my list. This list I made instead of a New Year's Resolution because I wanted to see it happen. New Year's Resolutions have not been keepers for me but this is a list I can mark off - 10 things. Five checked!!! Today we put up the wall tree and even decorated around the living room a bit. Yesterday I made a simple Holiday Wreath and have it hanging on my door! I also put garland and ribbon up outside! I got an apple scented candle and today we decorated the jar with lights. The most important thing so far is that I completed the cookbook that I have been making for my family this Christmas...it's been a year long project and I think my best so far!!! I do have make Christmas Cookies on my list and so I started already by buying an inexpensive set of Holiday Cookie cutters...it has everything stocking, gingerbread man, gingerbread woman, Christmas tree, a candy cane and a snowman for 1.99! I just realized I am over halfway completed. I forgot to check one. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!
  22. HostTracy
    Goal setting and accomplishing is a very difficult task for me (It's a stroke thing from the cerebellum). I started out in Speech Therapy by writing my goals for each hour of the day. Pretty micromanaged but a necessary evil. I find myself having the same difficulties again. Thinking, writing notes, planning ahead which is great to do but for me going through my day can feel like a yo-yo. So I have decided to refocus on my daily goals. I haven't yet started speech again but I have a Dr. order that I can and honestly the Speech Therapy helped me the most over all. I have real trouble planning and with timing. I can think all day about what I will make for dinner but I have found myself going back to the same stuff that I've tried to lasso in. I have to plan my meal in steps and follow my plan. I find myself looking at the clock at 8 pm and thinking again about what I am making while my family's tummys begin to growl. I don't really understand how all this works in my brain...organizing, planning, set shifting, order, being timely...and a lot more. I don't know how it works but I sure know it doesn't work well. I always wonder if it will really get easier for me or will I have to micromanage my daily hours from now on. Time to start fresh and make a go of it. Bonnie(my ST) taught me what to do...now do it again. This is like my own little pep talk . Whatever works right?
  23. HostTracy
    Its been about 3 weeks since my hysterectomy and I am feeling better and better. This time of year is hard for me though both before and after the stroke. 1st it's never been the same since my divorce and 2nd I had my first super set back just a couple of weeks before Christmas when I had a mega panic attack and had psychogenic stuttering constant for 1 and half months last year. This year it's all about the finances...barely making ends meet is hard during a holiday. Well I have decided I have to get myself out of this funk. The times I feel best are when I do things for me. So it's going to be Tracy time. I haven't worked out all the details yet but the first thing I'm going to do is make a Christmas wreath. I had so much fun making my fall wreath that I have decided to make this something I do as the year passes through seasons and holidays. I feel proud of it. I am also trying to get my speech therapy to happen again as my Neuropsychologist suggested. I really felt like I was improving so much while doing that I'm looking forward to it. I will be sure to see my family this year cause I love that as well. I didn't get to last year because of my setback. It was my choice but if something happens this year I think I'm making the choice of seeing everyone anyway. I feel like it will be better for me. I think I'm going to make some doable Christmas resolutions and enjoy the feeling I get when checking them off instead of New Years Resolutions that many times I don't accomplish. That is definitely pressure I do not need. Get an apple pie candle. Make some Christmas cookies. Put my wall tree up earlier. I have been putting a wall tree up for the past 2 years because my house is so small that I'm unable to put even a narrow tree up. But I like this wall tree. I decorate with new and different colors and it goes up in like 10-15 minutes lights and all....and comes down even quicker. I think Ill put out window wreaths this year. I'm going to make a list. Feeling better already. Take away so much pressure. What are your ideas?
  24. HostTracy
    It's been about 9 days since I had my complete hysterectomy via Laprascope. So I have 5 incisions in my tummy...3 down low, one up high and to the right if you are looking at me and one hidden in my belly button. The recovery hasn't been very bad at all. I do feel like some alien being with 5 arms was messing with my insides. It still hurts a little when I move just right or sit up real straight or turn over in bed but it's tolerable. I have thought many times about my insides over the past week. I asked my Dr. so what falls into the empty space? Do my ovaries just float around or are they attached somewhere (they took my fallopian tubes). How does what is left stay upright? I have pondered about a strange disconnected feeling. Women you will understand I think and I hope. When we think of our nether regions it's like a trio. First you have the_____. Second you have the _____. and third you have the _____. So once you remove the 2nd or at least the part of it in my tummy I feel like I have an empty spot. It's a weird mind game my body is playing with me. My Doctor already told me that the intestines just have a little more room to do their thing. No matter if I know it still hasn't made the weird feeling go away. Sorry for getting so blunt but an example would be when I use the restroom (either or) something feels missing even though none of these processes have anything to do with each other. Weird huh? Anyways I can now acknowledge myself as a hystersister (made up name on net). Off all pain meds and steadily improving I can't ask for anything better. I am so happy that I will not be anemic and be visited by the evil monthly visitor anymore I could just sing and dance!!!!
  25. HostTracy
    I went to my oncologist today and she said everything looks awesome and is healing up very well. She took a look at all my incisions from surgery and said they look great. I asked her about the one in my belly button and she sorta hesitated and said I don't think I made an incision in your belly button but lets take a look. I explained to her that had a tiny wee bit of bleeding from there on the first day home and then she oh yes I remember you had an umbilical hernia. I fixed that so it shouldn't be a worry anymore. I was so thankful. My PCP had told me that one day it will cause problems and one day it will have to be fixed surgically. Dr. Brown just fixed without me even asking her. She is a wonderful Doctor and thankfully all of my pathology reports came back and we caught this "thing" before it had time to change to cancer. This week my husband also got a new job making 2x +more than what he was making and we are in so much need for it. He has applied 100's of times for the past few months and just no luck until this job just came along and sat down in his lap. My Dad's brain tumor is benign. My daughter got a two dollar raise (unheard of!). My mom has found a friend kitty that just comes around sometimes and doesn't let you touch him...but this joy has replaced her sorrow for her beloved Basset Hound Lucy that she had to have put down this year due to inoperable arthritis and both her back legs could no longer work. My step Dad and my Mom were so hurt from losing her. She was their baby and they had her since she was a baby. It just made me happy watching her watch for this kitty and tenderly talking to him, making sure he has a full tummy...she named him Tom (I think he is the neighborhood cat and roams and may have a few homes.). I just feel happy inside. For me that is a major statement and I am so blessed.