HostTracy

Staff - Stroke Support
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Blog Entries posted by HostTracy

  1. HostTracy
    This week was my uncle's funeral. He passed Saturday after a year long fight with Cancer and had his service and burial on Tuesday. It was a very good service and focused on my Uncle Darrell's life instead of death. The casket was closed and a beautiful afghan rested on top with some his happiest pictures blown up and placed right into the fabric of the afghan. We actually heard many sounds of laughter as people talked about Darrell because he was always smiling and teasing about something. Many heads were shaking in agreement with those who spoke of what made Darrell such a special husband, father, grandfather, uncle, brother, co-worker, friend and general a great person. My Aunt even managed a smile and small bit of laughter remembering. I talked to her before the service and I told her that what I remember most about Darrell is that he was fun and always smiling. She told me he made her smile all the up until the day he passed. She told me she thought he wasn't seeing too well and so she asked him "Where is my nose?". His response with closed eyes and a little grin in a funny voice was "In the middle of your face." Aunt Sherry said it's just what your Uncle Darrell would have said it brought a smile and laughter to all of us. I was reminded that I had a stroke that day as we walked up a hill to get to his resting place. I had to have help one person on each side and even then it wasn't very pretty. I came to realize that so many people had never known I had the stroke. It was the first time they had seen an after effect. Cousins who were further away or my Aunt who is rarely seen. I just did me. I held onto the pole as the service continued and after had help to walk down and put flowers on some family graves of people I love and miss. We all met at a church afterwards and ate lunch. It was a wonderful kind gesture from the church that Aunt Sherry and Uncle Darrell had visited a few times before he got sick and who had so kindly visited him when he could not go and visit himself. My Aunt's regular church had broken up in the past couple of years and they were looking for a new home. Not being members of the Church didn't matter; these angels cooked a whole dinner for us after the burial, invited us into their church, and were as kind as anyone I could have met. We were all thankful for the reprieve and the moments we had to talk again to those we do not see very often. My Aunt Sherry was smiling when I left and going home to stay with her daughter for the night. This gave me a bit of ease...she has taken his death very hard. They had been married for 43 years. I had to have been 1 when they were married so many years ago. I am so thankful she has a strong family support system around her. This week has left me really tired. I'm just gearing up for things next month. My surgery for a complete hysterectomy will be on November the 8th and my sister's spinal surgery for her neck will be on the 10th. My mom is getting pumped up to be there at both for support. Good news is we found out that my Dad's brain tumor is not malignant and if he had to have a tumor it is in the best place it could be. They are going to follow him for 6 months and then do another MRI to see if there has been any growth. He may not have to do anything about it, one day he may have to get it out but the Doctor said all is possible and that is the best news we could have gotten. So I'm just filing things in my mind and getting ready for the next good thing. November...
  2. HostTracy

    Surgery Update

    By HostTracy,

    I just wanted to let those who knew about my surgery That I am doing well and the surgery went really great. They were able to do laproscopic and they found no cancer! My Doctor didn't expect a good outcome so she was really pleasantly surprised. That is all for now i'm pretty loopy from the pain med. :hug:
  3. HostTracy
    It's been a mostly uncomplicated week and it's getting cooler. I have been doing a lot of "things" keeping my mind off THE DAY. I really have done well. Today I feel it a bit. The unanswered questions about what they will find. Will I have laparascopic or will they have to do an open incision surgery. I won't know until I wake up. I've had to be off my aspirin to prepare. I just don't want to go backwards (stroke wise) and I'm afraid of having another. I don't want to have to fight even the thought of cancer...I've been trying self pep talks. I have been through and survived a lot and I am not letting this pull me down. I honestly just can't wait until it's over. The time before is really hard. At least after I will know exactly where I stand. Otherwise I'm super excited about no periods that are killing me and no anemia. I might find some energy. You never know.
  4. HostTracy
    I haven't written in about a week...been trying to grasp all the things that have happened in the last week. The count is on...just 10 more days until surgery day. I think it's going to be a long wait but I guarantee it will be here quicker than I expect. Especially because I would like to prepare somewhat: Make ahead dinners, easy stuff for me when I'm here alone, get the washing all done and the house in good order, place things near my bedside because i think the first few days I will feel kinda icky. You know just things that can come in helpful for me or my family during that time. I have my pre-op appointments on the 2nd of November for the Oncologist and Anesthesia. I am trying not to forget anything that might be important for them to know. Time to get out my list maker. I'm trying to keep my mind busy so I don't think about it. I am so afraid of pain I think because I feel it all the time and the worse it is the worse my anxiety is. I am afraid of blood clots and any dangers of having another stroke. I just keep telling myself I have to do this. It will cause cancer if I do nothing the cells have already started changing. I want comfort food already I hope I can think of something good that freezes well...or my mom. :crying: She is only an hour away but when I feel scared that is who I want. I've been coming up with to do ideas probably for after I am more healed but it keeps my mind busy. I am going to make my old mini blinds into Roman Shades (via an instructional video on the web), make a new holiday wreath, put down brown grocery bags as weed barrier right in front of my house and shrubs, do some painting in the house, work on my recipe book presents for my family and several others. It's a bit ambitious but one thing at a time and I'm not forcing time limits on myself except for the wreath and recipe books. I'll probably write again before I have IT done and write updates. Going to figure out how to use my I-pad to hang out here and check up on all of you. A little less than 10 days and counting...
  5. HostTracy
    My Uncle Darrell passed earlier this afternoon. I saw him on Wednesday for what I knew would be my last time. Death can be such a double edged occurrence. He fought a long hard battle with cancer for one year. He proceeded without fear and gave all of himself. In the end he was a mere ounce of himself. Unconscious most of the time and always in pain you just prayed that his pain would be over soon. Then you have the other side my Aunt Sherry and their two children who are adults now have spouses and children of their own. Their grief has lasted a long time and will continue for a good while. My Aunt Sherry took care of his every need and was by his side nonstop. His children had all but moved back home to be close to their father. His grandchildren all asking why is PaPa sick when will he get better, why can't the doctor make his cancer go away. Just little angels too young to understand. They sit on that blade...teetering back and forth I know his death is coming but I want to have one more laugh one more word one more something. It breaks my heart. I talked with my Aunt Sherry when I visited and I told her about my first memories of her and Darrell. It was at my house and I remember a rocking chair and little black wirey dog named 'Spooky'. It brought a smile to her face and we sat and talked about their pets through the years. Good memories to talk about. I pray that she and her family will have comfort and know Uncle Darrell isn't in pain after fighting so hard anymore and is at peace. I pray that their heart ache will lesson each day and the ability to cherish those happy memories will start pouring in. I am so happy that they have been such a tight family around each other during this time. All my love and blessings go to them.
  6. HostTracy
    Today has been a whirlwind. I decided to go see my mom's brother in law for the last time probably. He has brain cancer and he will probably pass very very soon. I was glad I went...even though he was never really conscious of me being there. I have a lot of memories of my Aunt Sherry and Darrel when I was little and I was their babysitter for their two children when I was a teen. Then they babysat my daughter when she was little. I just didn't want to miss the chance. I also found out today that they found a tumor on my dad's brain left side behind his ear. Thankfully the specialist doesn't think it is cancer but a stressful day and we have more to go yet. I also found out my sister is having spine surgery for her neck in November. Put all of that together with my imminent surgery and there is just a lot going on. I told my dad today to be brave like me. If I can face this stroke then you can face what is going on inside you. I believe in you. I can't wait to tell my Psychiatrist that my medication seems to really be working. I held it together. I was reallly worries about that...but I did it. It may pour when it rains but I still can find a piece of sunshine again. It's a blessing.
  7. HostTracy
    We have a squirrel family who comes back to our attic every year and builds their apartments, towns, and mansions. Every year we have find where they have found a way to get in and close it up and block it. They always find a way back in. My Landlord said it has been happening for many years and they cover and close and keep them out and they always find a way. So this year we have heard little feet scampering across the plastic piece that sits behind our gutters. The areas that they had going to the attic here have been fixed and even with chicken wire so they won't chew through. These are little feet, babies, and they go back and forth up there and sometimes i get to say hello cause they will look out over the gutter or they stick their little noses through a small open area that is where my porch cover starts. They're cute and I am an animal lover but I know they could do all sorts of damage in the attic so allowing them to winter up there is a really bad idea so we do our best to keep them out. So a couple of days ago my daughter had opened the front door because we were leaving and quickly asked " What in the world is that mom." She was lokking at my fall wreath I had put up just a few days ago. I looked and right on the top behind the flowers and scarecrow was a biscuit. I laughed and explained it was a biscuit and went outside and retrieved it from my wreath. I brought it in and you could see little nibbles had been taken from it. I hadn't made any biscuits but someone had and the baby squirrels stole one and hid it in my wreath. I'm still fussing at myself for not taking a picture before I got it down. We both have had the best laughs and stories to tell our family. I hope you get a laugh too. I'm putting another picture of my wreath but the back way so you can imagine.
  8. HostTracy
    Lately, I have been really down sorta. In one way I think I am doing great...I am getting things done which has been a big struggle. My kitchen is clean, I made a fall wreath, I have vacuumed everywhere, mopped floors, cleaned the bathroom, and just trying to organize my life in my house a bit better. On the other hand I have been worried about my husband who hasn't felt well. He left work early and is missing 2 more days. It's really unlike him at all. His blood pressure had been so high the last few months that he talked with his Dr. who prescribed him blood pressure medicine to help bring it down. When he got home the other day he just slumped over the couch to set his briefcase down. He has been dizzy, nauseous,everyday headaches, hurting in different places, exhausted, and his blood pressure was extemely low like 69/48 and 74/55 and 89/65 and then it went back up to a normal reading 115/70ish. I called the after hours nurse and had the on call Dr. call and speak with him. Adrian is super great at downplaying his symptoms so I'm not sure exactly what was said between the two. He told me that she said those numbers were too low and if it continued then he should make a trip to the ER. He already has an appointment on Tuesday so he asked her can't he just wait until then. She told him if he feels better then wait but watch his blood pressure and how he feels closely. So he goes tomorrow but he has been up and down all day. He's in a terrible mood which helps me know he doesn't feel well (that's his MO). I'm pretty concerned about him. The next thing to worry about is finances. We are really having a super hard time. We are having the hardest time even making rent. Today my daughter and I made a two week menu that we bought groceries for and the grocery bill just made me sick to my stomach. We were very frugal too. My daughter is having to help pretty much with her whole check this Friday for rent and we just hope we have enough. I'm just scared.
  9. HostTracy

    Let's Do This!

    By HostTracy,

    I am psyching myself up for my appointment with the gynecologist oncologist which is next Friday. Getting my questions written up and trying to think positive.
     
    I am especially proud of myself because the last 2 days I have written a list and I have gotten everything done except 2. I really like checking things off. I got a list pad that is cute and has check off boxes and is not really long (like half the length of regular list pads). Each of the nights and early in the morning when I first get up I make my list for the coming day. I find that I am starting to finish easy stuff first. I think that check mark gives me motivation and I'm sticking with each thing finish to end. Such a huge accomplishment!
     
    Say a little prayer for my husband he just interviewed for a job that is $4 more per hour! Now that will be a blessing we are really struggling financially. I have realized setting up my file system that I have so many unpaid medical bills. I just keep getting more! It's a bit scary.
     
    Hope everyone is doing well and God bless!
  10. HostTracy

    Getting Ready for Fall

    By HostTracy,

    I've been trying to keep myself busy and my neighbor has a fall wreath that gave me inspiration to make my own. It only took about 3 hours and cost only about $18. I am pretty proud of it.
  11. HostTracy

    Bad News Today

    By HostTracy,

    My Gynecologist sent me an email that tells me he has gone over my pathology results from the D&C with Hysteroscopy last week and they found Endometrial Hyperplasia WITH Atypia. His says this means Hysterectomy and that I will need to see a Gyn Oncologist. It means that the Endometrial Cells are morphing toward Cancer cells. It also means that I would have to get a Complete Hysterectomy with Pathology during and depending on results lymph nodes removed. I think I read 29% lead to Uterine Cancer and 17-59% co-exist with Uterine Cancer. Yes I'm scared.
  12. HostTracy
    After my stuttering incident, I noticed that I had slipped backwards quite a bit. My emotions were all over the place and I honestly stayed away from family and friends for quite a while. During the beginning of the stuttering I had postponed my therapy, PT and Speech. I know I definitely should have stayed in speech it probably would have helped but I felt so out of control every second of the day that I had huge anxiety from it. Everything that I had been working on slowly slipped backwards. My scheduling which I had been very successful at just was so hard now that I know I avoided it. Walking every day was routine but even that became less and less. I was more off balance, more tired, more stressed, more of everything I didn't want to feel. It was a depressing time. I kinda closed myself off to the world. I finally started to go to a psychotherapist and slowly started to regain my senses and sense of worth. It became my once a week very needed letting go. I really got along great with my therapist and even threw my shoes off and plopped up on the couch every time. He did the same threw his shoes off and plopped up into his big comfy chair. This stroke had changed me in a way...made me timid, quiet, broken. There is no time for that in my fast paced world. I had to learn to slow down though and forgive myself, stand up for myself. I had to learn to put myself first. Seems so easy right? I still struggle. This very logical thing has me twisted and tied all sorts of ways a lot. This is where I realized the stroke didn't cause everything I was going through. Some things I had felt before and if I'm great at anything it's denying there was ever a problem to begin with. Dealing with pre-stroke "stuff" along with dealing with the extremes of the stroke (paralyzing anxiety, emotional lability, to much coming in I can't filter it so I would get very overstimulated. Sometimes I just wanted to scream. The utter exhaustion kept my voice low and quiet...
  13. HostTracy
    For several weeks I looked forward to my appointments with my psychologist. He helped me find ways to challenge myself when it came to dealing with stressful things. He helped me see strength where I felt very weak. I began to use these thoughts in my everyday life and I was doing it. Standing my ground, speaking up, forgiving myself, learning that real expectations are not finite. I began to come out of my comfy shell a bit more. Visit family and seek stimulation...this is when I started gardening. Along with my therapist I had found a way to release built up goobly gop. I used my hands and moved the earth turning it and preparing it just for myself. It was hard work but I could visually see my progress and while I did I could feel the sun on my face and hear the birds sing, watch the trees as the wind rustled through them, meet my neighbors which took time to admire my work. It felt good, it felt right...I could recharge. Each week I visited my therapist and we talked about a lot of things and I could see myself responding. Each week I did a little more on each side of my porch until after a month I had dug up the grass and removed it, turned the soil to loosen it, hand tilled the dirt to add air, hand tilled some compost in to make it ready for growth. I decided after a long strenuous month to just lay red mulch down and it was beautiful. I did it all on my own. I made it look beautiful. I decided to buy a few herbs and plant up two pots that would sit on either side of my porch. I planted the herbs in a long planter, the mint in a medium round planter, had a strawberry plant that I planted in a basket with a coconut liner, and two large pots that I planted small bright green sweet potato vine on each side of a Catherine Woodbury Daylily and scattered purple wave petunias all in the front and between the vine and daylilies. I fed each one and watered and gave each the needed tlc every day to start them out well. Pretty soon I had new mint plants coming up, taller and thicker herbs (lemon thyme, italian parsley, oegano, sweet basil, and rosemary), my big planters were filling out and the strawberry plant was producing beautiful delicate pink flowers. In therapy, I noticed some things that I was doing differently and that I felt good about them. I was learning how my reactions to those around me affected me. I was learning to learn about myself and that it was a good thing. My husband soon changed jobs and I had to quit seeing the same therapist because my new insurance didn't cover it. I have missed him dearly. I realize everyday that I still have a lot of work to do...on me...on the new me. Financially we are unable to get me back to a psychologist right now but my Neuropsychologist said I should see someone on a regular basis and not stop. I will be soon enough and I am already looking forward to it...
  14. HostTracy

    Wish Me Luck...

    By HostTracy,

    I go in for a same day surgery to help with a female problem I am having. Not everyone wants to know about this so if you don't just stop now LOL. I have endometrial hyperplasia and it has caused for the past year and a half to bleed like I'm dying. I have only been not anemic once for 3 months in thta past year and a half. When I had the stroke my Hemoglobin was 7 and my hematocrit was 23 with 0 iron stores. Needless to say Iron pills do not help me so since about a month after the stroke I have gotten Iron Infusions about every 3 months. The time before last I was clearly not anemic and my iron stores were 112. I didn't have to have an infusion. One month later after having a 5 week long period (ofcourse way excessive bleeding) I am now anemic again. Just barely my hemoglobin was 12 and my iron stores are 60. I have a great Doctor and I insisted on him. Vanderbilt is so big that they make arrangements for you to see a Doctor in their practice. They are all top of the line but I like my Dr. and they have made sure that is who sees me. When I first came to Strokenet I talked a little bit about it and at the time was thinking I was going to have a hysterectomy. Many of you spoke up and were I think bothered that I would choose a hysterectomy. I actually was told it can be treated with an IUD that secretes Progestin. But I am terrified of anything hormonal going into my body plus I already take a whole medicine cabinet of meds and this was just one more thing I would have to deal with. The reason I am so afraid of Progestin was 2 weeks before my stroke I was given Medroxyprogesterone to stop my period. It wouldn't stop and I had become dangerously anemic. The day after i finished my last pill I had a stroke. I think anybody in my position would feel the same way. My Dr. listens to me and hears my fears and gives me options that no one else has. He said he work with me every few months if he has to doing D&C and hysteroscopy to ensure cells are not changing. I have an increased risk of cancer and he wants to be thorough. He said he will do all this and there will be no IUD and no hysterectomy. I pray that I find some relief after this week. I can't explain to you how it felt to be extremely anemic and having had a stroke. I was so weak, never a coma or paralysis but a weakness, tiredness that I can't explain. I will refuse hormone replacement therapy if I ever have to have a hysterectomy or when I go through menopause. I know for many you want understand. Losing those hormones can make you feel like you are losing your mind...I remember my mother and all she went through. I will refuse it anyway. It terrifies me...it scares me literally to death. So Wednesday is S day and a new adventure begins...
  15. HostTracy
    For the past month I have anticipated the arrival of something new, something for some reason I have held onto like a child waiting for a present to arrive. It's actually my daughter's but she got it for all of us to use. A water cooler that has immediate cold or hot water come out of its spigot when you press a button. That means no more buying big packs of bottled water, if I want hot tea I can just push a button and the hot water will flow into my cup and all I need is a tea bag, oh and there's hot chocolate, cold water when I'm hot or even room temperature water when I fill up the Keurig. It was supposed to be here on Sept. 7 and then I called Costco and said no one came so they called and reached out to me and said it will be tomorrow the 8th. Seems the type of cooler I ordered had not come in yet. The 8th passed and still no cooler. :crying: I was utterly let down and the next day I was determined to talk to someone. I called Costco again and they gave me a number to call. It was in another state but I talked with a very nice gentlman who assured me it would be here on the 13th. Another day with no delivery don't they understand that my body is going through craziness just waiting :Jumpy: . He then said that the person was sick that day and now it is scheduled on the 15th. Did it come? NO NO NO I called the very nice gentleman back and was not as nice as him this time...he kept apologizing and said he had been told it would be delivered. He will not be working tomorrow but he is going to get his assistant on it and she will call me and he will call me on Saturday when he is back at work. I am still waiting today trying to be calm :microwave: ...
  16. HostTracy
    I think about myself today and see me just a different me. I see the people around me different. I see the world and what I am in it as different. Different than before. I forget sometimes just how blessed I am to be breathing and having this day to write my thoughts. I went to family event Saturday, my Great Aunt Elaine's 90th Birthday. I didn't know a lot of people there. I do know my Aunt Sherry and she came but just for a little bit I din't really get to hug her or talk to her. I watched from afar as my older cousin hugged her and wouldn't let go. I could tell thta both theses grown women are sobbing. I know why but it triggers such terrible emotion in me that I froze and just watched. My Uncle Darrel (Aunt Sherry's husband) has been battling cancer. It first struck his lung and threw a clot while they were on vacation in Florida. It became DVT and his leg swelled horribly. He was at the hospital in Florida for longer than their vacation was supposed to be. Once they came home ad settled in it threw another clot this time affecting his lungs. It was shortly after that we found out he had cancer. We watched and prayed and hoped that the chemo he was receiving would get him into remission and it did!!!! For several months Darrel was in remission and my Aunt and our family were so grateful and relieved. At his one year check up they found 2 more lesions. This time it was in his brain (one of them was on his brain stem). So he started a rigorous treatment with radiation to try and shrink the tumors before going on to chemotherapy again to hopefully rid him of this evil monster again. My uncle was a trooper...he shaved his head before all the hair fell out and was putting up an admirable fight. He has been on steroids to help his energy levels because the treatments are so robbing for him. This drug though gave him energy to enjoy some things has blown his body up like a balloon. I've know for a while that he looks bad. You can just see it. I talked with my mom this morning and they got bad news, the radiation had done nothing. There was no other treatment to use. No surgery, no chemo, no magic pill. He has 6 months they say. I know I must make the effort to go and see him soon. I know my emotions and sadness are going to be thick that day. I know I won't be able to keep it inside. I'm afraid...
  18. HostTracy
    When I started stuttering at that very moment it's like a switch had been turned on or off. It was so difficult to get out what I was saying. I would just get stuck usually bad on the first syllable. My husband, he is a bit clever, came up with a way to sorta get me through what I needed to say sometimes. I would get stuck on I. I-I-I- and then he would say dun nuh duh nuh duh nuh (Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath) - I've always been a big fan. So it became sorta of a game. Each time We would go back and forth and it would make me giggle and then I could get it out. There were days my family was dumbfounded as to what to do and they could barely get what I was saying. I was so frustrated at times I could really hit something (totally a not me thing). At night it was so bad that I usually just ended up in tears and went and laid down. I don't think I have ever been as frustrated as I would get at those moments. Then one day my 19 year old daughter made me so mad...it was something about the kitchen and she made fun of me and I snapped! I instantly got out very angrily what was going to happen no if and or buts. After a week of going back and forth of stuttering a little then not stuttering. It stopped. It was weird like the switch had switched back. I still stutter sometimes but if I stop breathe and start again I can usually control it. Life happens in weird ways sometimes...
  19. HostTracy
    I find myself switching from going through my stories, setbacks, and triumphs with the now. Maybe I should do bloggong a different way to make it more cohesive. Just a thought. It's been a tough couple of days and i sure miss my Labor day vaca right about now. I'm getting to that middle of the fence post feeling again. You know fall one way and you start flying again or fall the other right onto your butt. I have been getting bouts of nervous anxiety and problems myself and my immediate family are coming to blows. I should put my big girl panties on (and I do) and just take care of business. I just get tired and depressed and anxious. I've been trying to keep myself busy: I took my annuals out of their pots and planted the day lilies in the ground. I'm now thinking of something for fall to grow in there. I've been going through all of my files and all the things that should be in files and trying to tackle the job. My daughter says I am a bit OCD about it but I feel like if I get them like I want them then it will be easy to find and get what I need in a snap. I really don't care what my busy work is except washing dishes...I loathe it. I feel it's better than succumbing and going to sleep all the time which is what I want to do. Sometimes I need to....sometimes I just want to be asleep cause i don't think or feel anxious about the days events. I think that kind is escaping and I'm feeling it won't do me a bit of good. If any of you have your own things you do when teetering I'd love to here them, please share. Until next time...
  21. HostTracy
    I am so excited to say that I am going to the river with my mom, step dad, sister and her new husband. We are staying at the lake house and I am so excited just to get out into some fresh air and quiet. Hubby and daughter have to work. I have never been able to go on the kinds of small getaways because I worked like a mad wo man. We get to get out on the river in my sister's pontoon boat and a bit of tanning for me! YAY!!!!! I'm just so excited I had to share.
  22. HostTracy
    The first time I really knew my emotions were completely not momentarily fried was the day my OT said "Ok Tracy this is our last day together.". She took me out into the hall where numbers had been taped at different heights and out of order. I had to walk down the hall and name the numbers without moving my head. I also had to go down straight headed and pint to the numbers she asked me to. When we were all finished she proceeded to scold me. "Tracy looks like there was a bit of cheating you were supposed to keep your head straight.". I thought I had done well but apparently not. I went on to PT and tried not to think about OT. My PT coach had by then figured out that dusk and dark give me the hardest time. So we went into an office and she closed the doors and turned off the light. I froze. I was completely blind. I tried to follow her voice but body just was not sure how to navigate. I bumped into a chair and holding on to it I finally found the wall and followed the wall to the corner. Where I felt her trying to give me stability as she perched me atop that evil balance ball. I then had to balance on that in the dark. I was overwhelmed and tears just flowed quietly. I did my best and it took only a couple of seconds before I felt I was going toward some other place that wasn't balanced. Over and over again. We did a full hour in the dark of different types of balance stances. I had cleared my tears and humbly walked myself out and over to speech therapy. My speech therapist had already turned off her lights and had her blinds down and shut (dark but some light could peek through). She closed the door and I completely absolutely lost it. M<y tears were no longer quiet and I stuttered IIIII dont dont dont know know know know why why why why IIIIIII am am am am am cry cry crying so so hard. I was a mess and just couldn't talk anymore she immediately turned on the lights and pulled up her blinds and sat down next to me and just hugged me. "Tracy what happened?". I explained to her that OT said I was done and Barbie was torturing me in the dark and i was losing my mind. I told her I wasn't even sure why I was upset over OT she never really worked with me much anyway. I know I should have spoke up sooner about my darkness issues but I didn't want the feeling of regressing to a toddler who still can't stay upright. It's humiliating. This is a great example of how therapists and doctors talk and say the things that you haven't yet. Bonnie ST decided I had enough pushing for the day and we just did something fun the rest of the hour. The next few times at therapy my PT turned off the lights but kept the door half open so I had some light flowing in and she only did a half hour of this and then we switched to full light strength stuff. The ST also turned off her lights but kept the blinds down but not closed and woud do about 30 mins that way too then would switch to light again. It took several weeks to get back together. I was depressed but I soon made myself endure. We began to push again...
  23. HostTracy
    For quite a few months I engaged in therapy every week: Occupational, Physical and Speech therapy. In occupational therapy she was frustrated I think. We didn't work on a whole lot. She seemed very absent. Physical therapy was really helping me. Simple exercises for most people without a stroke but challenging and helpful to me. My balance issues were pretty bad, I sometimes couldn't feel where I was in space, and just walking with my legs together was ridiculous. Where I had my stroke, the cerebellum, is not where these actions come from in the brain rather it is an area that helps in coordination, precision, and accurate timing of the impulses coming from other area in the brain. An example would be balance: the cerebellum helps you to stand upright, keep your balance and move around. Sorta helps your muscles move smoothly so that you can stand and walk or anything you want fluidly. We worked on strength with a lot of lying down exercises first we later added in the bicycle, some other push with my legs and you go up thingy, and the treadmill which was disastrous so we waited on that one for a long while. I graduated from the mushy square to a balance ball it terrified me. The first day I tried it I made it about 10 seconds with my eyes open and about 3 seconds with my eyes closed (I didn't like my therapist that day....of all the things to ask me to get on that beast and then close my eyes :Tantrum: ). We added new things each week and I worked at home too and added new thins each week to what I was alreadt doing. Speech therapy was many things too. We made a medication chart so I could make sure I checked medicine and knew I was taking everything. We played games, We talked about different ways of remembering then practiced those ways using worksheets, games, and a lot of repetition. I was getting very used to my weekly schedule and for the first time I could feel a sense of normalcy at least at the moment...
  24. HostTracy
    Before I started therapy I ha a multitude of test. EEG, CT Angiogram, Echo-cardiogram with bubble study, Zio Patch for 2 weeks...I had so much blood drawn it was like 10 vials! I was freaking out because I was severely anemic and I thought to myself I don't have much blood to spare Lady. My Anitcardiolipin was checked, CBC, BMP serum or plasma, Factor V Activity plasma, Lipid panel, Von Willebrand Factor, Anti-Thrombin III Antigen, Protein S activity, Protein C activity, TSH, CMP, Total Iron Binding Capacity, HBA1C...I don't know what most of these are I'm just copying my report. Either way I have never had so much blood taken away. Every test they did came back Negative. Her answer to that was we do not know...a Cryptogenic Stroke. I didn't like that answer. I wanted to know. I needed to know. What do I do now? I was left with a lot of lingering questions and anxiety. I started therapy in September last year...Occupational, Physical, and Speech Therapy. One of the first things I had to do was remember their names. My speech therapists taught me how to remember by association. I have done this plenty of times but it was like I had to start all over. Like being a child going to kindergarten. My therapists were all very nice and supportive. I din't share my associations except with my speech therapist because they were mine and I didn't want to use something that might bother them. Jill was Occupational therapist and she was sometimes in a weird mood ( she had a lot going on at home I found out and a husband who had MS so it affected her) but I remembered her name...ILL Jill. Barbie was my Physical therapist...Barbie Doll. Bonnie was my speech therapist...Bonnie and Clyde. I also had an assistant speech therapist doing an internship but I have sadly forgotten her name and how I used to remember it. Three days a week for 3 hours each of those days. I was prescribed a cane and began learning balancing exercises in physical therapy. The first day I stood on that squishy square I couldn't do more than a few seconds with out just about collapsing. I was given homework therapy to do in between visits. I don't remember much of occupational therapy except my therapists trying to tell me that childcare might be a great place for me to start. I was baffled and speechless. I finally got out that childcare is one of the noisiest active places I have ever worked so envision myself falling and then crawling under a table and covering my ears and crying. Her and I didn't do very much together. It was a disappointment but I focused a lot on physical and speech therapy. One of the first things my speech therapists did after her evaluation was introduce me to association memory. We did pretty elementary work sheets which I had difficulty with. I cried a lot. But over time this started to help me a lot...
  25. HostTracy
    When I got home I really don't remember very much. I still had no diagnosis and life was still going to go on...bills, eating, using the restroom, period (this has been a real problem health wise), being alone, just surviving. I was helped to my bed and all I remember for the next week is my daughter who graciously made me something to eat and gave me snacks and drinks which lay on the bed next to me. I ate but I don't remember it. I do remember having to use the bathroom which was a potty seat close to my side of the bed. I couldn't walk without falling but I could hold on enough to just get there and sit down. I had started my period again in the hospital and it was really really heavy and I really don't know how long it lasted that time. Right before I had the stroke I had a month and a half long extremely heavy period which left me extremely anemic and 0 iron stores. (I took iron supplements per my Doctors orders). I can only remember bits and pieces which is probably good. The 2 weeks that followed were hell. I needed to sleep almost all the time, I couldn't talk very well, I still was throwing up at least once or twice an hour, the sound of the television was like torture, the lights couldn't be turned on because it bothered me so much I couldn't stand it, and my head hurt so bad. Every night my daughter I think would fix me something to eat. My daughter made an appointment with my primary doctor and my husband and daughter took me. All I could say was "Something is wrong...you know me Dr. _____ something is wrong with me. Something happened." He looked me over and Adrian and Hailey proceeded to tell him about what was going on. The first thing he did was test my reflexes (knee) and my leg shot up so far and it wouldn't stop going back and forth. My Doctor stopped my leg and immediately told all of us I needed to see a Neurologist as soon as possible. The appointment was made and we went as soon as we could. The Neurologist did a neurological examination and then after thinking for a moment she asked me to walk holding on to the wall up and then back down the hallway. She asked my daughter did I always walk like that not the imbalance but the way my feet were wide apart and the I waddled. It was not normal to her. So I was sent for an MRI which I had that week. I wouldn't get the results until I went back to see my Neurologist. It was a month. My mom came too along with my daughter and my husband. The Neurologist was hesitant, she asked had I fallen since before I felt that way. My answer was no and then she told us that I have had a bilateral cerebellar infarct. She said there is no evidence of prior TIA or Stroke but this was a large completed stroke. I just started crying. I couldn't stop. I had to go to another area and have a heart monitor placed that would stay there for about 2 weeks. She also ordered a BUNCH of tests. She said she would be calling me to set up therapy as soon as possible. She held my hand and said "I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way...but I will do everything I can to get you the right care. It's going to be ok.". It didn't feel ok. I was really scared...