jriva

Hi Rod,

Rod I hate to break it to you but after all this time of living together you are marriage in the eyes of the law. It only takes 7 or 9 years of cohabiting---can't remember which---to become a common law wife. The fact that you call your significant other "wife" will help get her that paper, if she wanted it.

My husband I have been together since 1970 but we just got married four years ago. We differed from your situation because we never lived together in all that time. We had houses a mile apart and we spent all of our free time together. So, I truly do understand what you are saying about strong friendships keeping poeple togehter. We talked more than most married people we knew and spent more time together than couples we knew.

However, many many married people have strong friendships, too. I really don't believe that having, or not having, a piece of paper that says you're married makes any difference what so ever in whether or not people can maintain their friendships over many decades. I'll say one thing: Being married sure simplifies a lot of legal issues as you get older and health issues pop up....

Jean

Cyndi,

My dad was that way for the first 3-4 months after my mom died---didn't want to leave the house. Then the loneliness finally got to him and he started going to senior events. He got so busy we had to buy him an answering machine. He was never home! He finally did find a nice lady that he palled around with for over a decade and that made all our lives richer.

The worst thing I think you could do is sit home with your dad. Either go when you get the urge and leave him home alone (without a guilt trip), or make him go with you every so often. Trick him---meaning if they're having a bake sale or garage sale at the senior hall, take him to it, etc. Of course, if he hates people more than he hates being alone then it won't work, but it's worth a try to ease him into the senior centers.

Jean

Hi Cyndi,

You might want to track down some senior citizen classes or social events at a local senior center to get your dad involved in. He needs to be around people his own age....just an idea for a month or two down the road.

Jean

Best of luck, Michael. I'll be looking forward to your return and updates on Kathy.

Jean

Joy,

We're in very similar situations. I've needed total replacements done on my knees for over seven years now. The first few years I was share-caring my dad and I couldn't do it without him ending in a nursing home. Then Don had his stroke and I couldn't do them as we were downsizing, moving, building, etc. Now, if I were to have them done, Don would have to go to a nursing home and the dog, to a kennel and let the house sit empty. I just can't image doing that! Plus going through the pain of the surgeries doesn't do much for me either. I've had the shots and they did help a little bit and I'm thinking I should do them again. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone....

Jean

Michael,

This is a cute reminder of how nice it was being free of stress and responsibility. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

Jean

Hi Denny,

Now that you're a blogger, you get to help us get more people to read the blogs---not enough people do yet. So, when you're in chat, tell people to check your blog for the recipes.

Our number of bloggers are growing at a good rate of speed for as new as this feature is, but we need more readers! Your contribution can/will help build up our readership.

Jean

Hi Joy,

Welcome to our blog community!

I understand what you mean about allergies and spring. It can be so pretty out, but still make you Soooo sick!

Jean

Hi Pam,

This is really strange! I was trying to find the book you just mentioned when I was at the bookstore yesterday.

"Mindfulness," according to the book Wherever You go There You are, "is a simple concept. Its power lies in its practice and its applications. Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally. This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity, and acceptance of present-moment reality. It wakes up the fact that our lives unfold only in moments. If we are not fully present for many of those moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in our lives but also fail to realize the richness and the depth of our possbilities for growth and transformation."

This is the paragraph that I used to inspire my "Building our own Violins" blog.

Jean

Hi Michael,

Been there, done that! I had to find an accessible apartment when Don came home and let our two houses sit empty until we had a better idea of the outcome of the stroke and what was the best thing to do. Take my advice and if anyone offers to help, have a list ready to name off a a choice of jobs. It will give you more time with Kathy.

Jean

Denny,

I'm glad you've started blogging. It is a good way to get stuff off your chest in a format that you yourself determine. So, there is no right or wrong here in the blog community.

You've hit upon one of the unfortunate things about strokes. They are all SO different that it's hard to find others who have had your exact same experiences. (I suspose the same could be said for people with cancer or heart problems, too, when you get into it as deeply as we are all into strokes here on this site.) But with strokes, we get into so many emotional changes and with that comes problems that we all need to try harder to understand in one another.

It sounds like you've made peace with the place your stroke has played in your life. Congratulations! It's what we want for everyone and that comes to each of us in our own time frames....

Jean

Pam,

If truth were told, I think everyone would prefer to be in total control of our environments. It's safer that way. We don't have to react...we just act. We don't have to compromise; we demand compliance. We don't have to share our toys in the sand box. We equate being in control with being happy.

But I believe personal growth only comes from giving over to the fact that it is impossible to have total control over our lives. We cannot make the world always conform to our wants and desires at any given moment. Compromise has its own rewards. Sharing responsibilities has its own rewards. Playing nice in the sandbox of life has its own rewards. Letting go of total control equates to letting go of some of the high drama created by being a control freak. At first you might miss the drama, but after a while you find it makes you happier not having to always be looking over your shoulder to see if someone is trying to take your power away.

Jean

Hi Cindy,

When I think of the differences between a person being 'religious' versus being 'spiritual' I think of the religious person as someone who is devoted to a certain denomination of a certain religion. Where as the person who is spiritual is someone who is not attached to any earth-based religion but still has a sacred regard for finding a path to God. To me, it doesn't matter what you call yourself so long as you have a believe system that helps you to keep striving to become a better and more compassionate person---and that includes non-Christian dogma.

Jean

Hi Kimberly,

Psychopathic personalities are not that hard to understand. Hint: They're crazy! What I have a hard time understanding are the women who will write letters to, and will form friendships with, the serial killers after they're in prison and generally will treat them like rock stars. Please tell my you're not one of them!

Jean

Vicki,

Are you sure you don't thrive on the stress and excitement of planning something like this? I know if someone had said to me: "We'll handle everything, you don't have to do a thing, we don't want to put any pressure on you" I would have taken them at their word and just sat back and relaxed. I don't view this is a "stroke thing" at all. When people come from out of town uninvited because they want to get together for a party, it is only proper that they offer to do everything. We have relatives come from out of state and they do this all the time---plan things by phone and the internet.

Jean

Pam,

You're entirely right. Blogs which are written as diaries or journeys should be our individual, honest venting at the world. They should be our momentary good and bad thoughts that can and often do change from day to day. Getting our thoughts out in a blog forum, where we don't have to be policitically correct or follow any rules like in chat or on the message board, has therapeutic value both for the writer and the reader. Reading some blogs seems so personal that I don't even comment of them because it seems like an invasion of privacy. But blogs are all different and fill different purposes in the lives of all of us who blog.

And take it from a person whose being keeping diaries for over 50 years, I understand fully that what you might write one day you might, the next day or next year, regret. HOWEVER, that 'yesterday' when you wrote it, you really needed to get that out of your system. Looking back at our blogs---the good, bad and ugly---really can help us grow. (I've blogged on that subject....the one where I was reading my old diaries and I observed that I've changed so much, it was like reading the words of a stranger.) People in the stroke world have a lot of things to work through. Blogs help us do that.

Jean

P.S. I forgot.....There is one rule in our blog community. No flaming of other members allowed.

Pam,

Call your local Red Cross and see if they can help you with transportation. Also call your hospital's social worker and see if she/he might offer you a solution. Your situation can't be totally unique.

Jean

Michael,

I got a big laugh out of 9, 10 and 11. Thanks for sharing these stories. Some day I might make my list of funny things that happen in the wedding floral business.

Jean

Pam

I've never been a mother and Don has never been a father, but we are both good at observing what goes on in the lives of people around us. Here's my theory on your question about seeking high education, if higher education makes you more withdrawn from your kids: No, I don't believe that for a minute. I think if it hadn't been reading/self educating that makes a man withhold effection and warmth from their kids, then it would have been something else like sports or a driven career or alcohol. In other words, it's their personality that drives them to seek ways that will allow them to 'drop out' from interacting with their kids, not the education per say. Guys who are emotional withdrawn from kids don't make good father or husbands---they just hold too much of themselves back.

They do it for many reasons one being an underlaying deep depression. Two, poor role modeling they were growing up, and three, fear of having people dependant on them for anything because they lack a lot of self-confidence deep inside. Four, they had poor childhoods themselves and they really don't understand kids. And least common, but still there, is that a few men fear they are too attracted to little kids and they avoid emotional involvement out of fear of crossing a forbidden line---guys who were sexually abused as kids themselves have this problem sometimes.

Parenting is hard work. You will have your ups and downs. Your lack of interest in things like your daughter's Easter ritual is probably temporary. You're going through a transition period, turbulent times. When you find a happy place again in your life it will be easier to let go and enjoy the simplier things with your daughter again. It has nothing to do with educating yourself that you feel yourself withdraw. You have to continue to work towards reducing the less stress in your life.

Jean

Hi Clark,

I've been depressed to the point of trying suicide twice in my life. But that was over 38 years ago, so by now it seems like a bad dream that happened to somoene else. And I guess you could say that it did, because I'm not that young girl with no coping skills anymore. Even though I'm not totally void of experiencing deep depression, I can't begin to understand what it is like for you.

When someone is to the point where their depression is so hard to deal with that you're considering the processure you're going to do, I don't know how anyone could doubt that you suffer. We're not talking about a manicure here! I think your friends may only see what they want to see, not take your depression as seriously as they should, because they don't know how to act/help. Or else it's like describing a sunset to someone whose never seen one. i.e. How can they begin to understand? Your friends mean no harm, but the lack of understanding can sure make us feel alone in a crowd. Keep reaching out, though, okay? Keep fighting, Clark. And good luck with your date with the electricity!

Jean

Pam

I grew up with parents who also did not attend church, but we kids had to go to church until we were both ten-twelve. Unlike your experience, we went to difference denominations of Christian churchs---didn't matter which one and it could vary week to week. (Had there been non-Christain churches in our town at the time, they would have been included.) I went to a lot of Bible summer camps as well. For me, I think if I had had kids I'd have done the same thing with them because you can't really get through life without knowing the Bible stories. So much in our world here in the U.S., in every day conversations, makes references to things from the Bible, so I feel kids got to learn the basics.

I'm really glad that my parents rotated us around to different demominations without prejudge because by the time I got to college I was really open to studying other paths to God besides Christainity and I took a lot of comparative world religion, philosophy and ethics classes. I feel that I have studied religion/God much more than all the people I know who go to church every Sunday.

I feel very content with my beliefs regarding God and with not being attached to Christianity. And like you, I do not like others assuming that just because I do not go to a certain denomination of church or practice a certain brand of religion that I need to be "saving" or that I am "in the dark." Frankly, I think the ones who feel that way are REALLY the ones who are in the dark. And I do resent them assuming that they are on a higher plain.....

HOWEVER, the only way this world can work without us all killing ourselves over religion is for each of us to tolerate one anothers' religious or non-religious points of view. This is a VERY difficult thing to do at times because there are some religions who feel it is their mission to convert others. None the less, it is a goal that I personally feel is worth working towards. I am not saying that you or me or Leigha or others need to keep our feelings to ourselves. I'm just saying we need to show them in a civilized and thougthful manner---try to gain respect for our points of view, rather than suffer the loss of it.

Jean

Hi Denny,

Welcome to the blogging world. I look forward to your contributions here.

If you've worked out or heard of any ideas, techiques, equipment and/or gadgets that will help the one-handed cooks on our site, please make sure to pass them on along with your recipes. It would be doing a great service, I'm sure.

Jean

Vicki,

I think you're on to something. Our neighbors still have a Christmas on their deck that they light up every night and it WON'T quit snowing here either! I'm sick of snow!!

Jean

Hi Cydni,

It almost seems like an invasion of your private thoughts to comment on this blog entry. But I wanted you to know that I understand you're wanting to run away. When I share-caring my dad I had to drive quite a distance to get to his house in the country and while I was on the expressway I can remember having the impulse (several times) to just keep driving until I ended up in another state. He was in the early stages of Alzheimer's and it was SO hard to watch the man I love slowly leave me.

I think you get through all of this by trying your best to live in the moment---not look back, not look forward. When my dad had good days, we took the time to smell the flowers, treasure each experience. When he had bad days, I learned to disasociate. i.e. he wasn't my dad then, he was a man I cared about and cared for. But my dad---the one I'd known all my life---was dying in stages and therefore I had mourned for him in stages. This is what you are doing with your mom and I promise you, your feelings are not unusual.

Jean

Steven,

I enjoyed reading your list.

I'll bet with your background you'd be really good at youth ministries. There isn't much trouble kids and young adults could get into that you haven't experienced and would understand. And the fact that you wanted to be a police officier speaks volumes.

Jean