HostAsha

Tracy : wish you happy, healthy & prosperous New year. We all have to take responsibilities for our choices we made in life, that created our destiny. you can not blame any one. We all need to forgive ourselves & move forward. Your mom made her choices based on what she thought was right thing to do for her, which she might have regretted later. But oh well, we all make mistakes, it was nothing to do with you. you start living & enjoying your life. reading your blog makes me realize oh man I have also never lived alone & it must feel so scary to take care of everything alone, but I know its doable & must feel so empowering too. I will be praying for you. piece of advice from immigrant who came in this country with nothing but willing to work hard & start my married life "penny saved is equivalent to penny earned". cooking at home has lot of benefits, you save money & end up eating healthy food. Asha

Pam : you are in my prayers, for test & negative results Asha

my wish finally came true, I always wanted girlfriend group with whom I can talk to about anything that is in my mind. Finally it happened, & I met with 4 other ladies on Friday for lunch at one of the person's home. It turned out most of them are way older than me & are now grandmas, only one person in there was still young one. but what I have learnt from joining this site that even though most of the members who I met here initially were older and from different socioeconomic, but underneath we all were struggling with similar emotions, So I think I will still give this group shot & see where it will leads me. I am realizing how blessed I am & kindness of higher power, who always helps me out.

Sue : you write so beautifully. reading your blogs reminds me that we all will face similar situation or know someone who might be going through that. I feel in the end all we have in this life is just ourselves , so need to become self reliant & independent. I know its hard thing & I just shiver thinking about it. I wish you lived closer since I ache for having meaningful friends I can count on. Asha

Pam : I am sending all the prayers & healing thoughts your way. Asha

Tracy : beautifully said, I feel I am more spiritual than religious person & I find comfort from all religions. For me my faith in higher power who one can call whatever they feel comfortable with, my faith in higher power gives me hope to hang on when my depression was making all situation look so bleak, I held on tight on my family's strength till I found my own inner strength back. So anyway I am actually thankful to stroke it made me the person I am very proud of today. I feel I have grown up so much & learnt to be better human being after dealing with my own adversity. I feel we all are spiritual being having human experience. Asha

Congratulations tracy, now that you won the case, you will get all the money backdated, make sure to save some for rainy days. so it lasts you longer. start making budget for yourself, so you can live within your income. Asha

Since hubby's most of the family still back in India, we do go & visit India every two years. traveling with me is bit scary sometimes, we both have to be extra careful of me not stumble anywhere & fall on uneven terrain, which in India there are plenty when we go visit our home cities & our village where construction is always going on on roads. & not railings to hold anywhere except hand of my family member.hubby always had me in his death grip lol. This year I made plan in such a way that we took halt in dubai for 3 days before going to India, against hubby's desire. hubby is never interested in going to any saudi country as an american tourist. he always think world is so big why take chances. So Egypt, Russia, North korea is not going to feature in our travel plans any time soon. We had lot of fun in our travel. In Dubai we did most of our touristy points in our three days. We did desert safari which was riding on sand dunes in SUV. you get motion sickness going up & down on dunes & feeling OMG this vehicle is going to topple now, but thankfully due to skill of driver you come out laughing. We saw most beautiful mosque in abudhabhi where you have to wear burkha while visiting mosque. you realize this oil rich country has so much money to spend on mosque, & their palaces. We had major jetag confusion in dubai but no harm was done it was just funny, we thought it was next day early morning & went for breakfast & it turned out to be still evening, so it was dinner time, only drawback was I ended up taking shower two times & we packed up early lol. We both enjoyed Dubai then on our way to India, met our grandchild (my niece's son) for the first time & hubby's whole family. hubby hs big family he is youngest of 7 brothers & sister, so its always joy meeting every one. Usually there is always one or two new member to meet in his family. This time it turned out to be new family member in my side of the family. & no new member in his side of the family. hubby said jokingly that productivity has gone down in his side of the family this year lol. This year while traveling fortunately I did not fall anywhere like last time, though my sister-in-law & brother-in-law fell, luckily no one got majorly injured & it was just bruise to their ego. We are finally home & in our bed though it still takes time to orient myself which way I have to go for bathroom in the night.

Jay meeting you and other very caring souls on this site made my journey back so much easy. Thank you for being you. Your blogs always lifted me up while I was trying to find and love my new normal asha

sue : I am so glad you got such a great set of friends & family you can spend time together. I have realized lately it all in us we can choose to go & have fun anywhere we go or get grumpy because some of the things didn't go right way, happiness is a choice enjoy your family & friends, none of these things have guarantee in life, so got to enjoy every minute of it Asha

kelli: congratulations, I am glad you had grand time at the party. It is amazing, arrival of baby brings so much joy in family. I am so happy for all of you Asha

kelli : That's amazing story even though outcome was sad. It's great to see that when time comes you can step up to the plate, that;s beauty of stepping out of comfort zone where we can see growth happen at all levels of ur life. I am so proud of you. Asha

I still have jet-lag of happiness. on Friday celebrated another birthday with my loved ones, I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so much love. I got jackpot in set of family & friends who decided to stick by us & come in our life. feel so fortunate to have all of them in our life. like every year hubby took day off my birthday & we visited my favorite temples with our friends & dinner at one of my favorite restaurant. every one who mattered called or left messages for my birthday, party extended till weekend, my sister planned big get together at her home & sister in law made cake from scratch, so big fun party at sisters place. I turned 49 this year, I had never imagined I could be still happy after stroke. & I can be still life of party even with my disability. I am thankful for my sense of humor which is still as sharp as before, so I am still able to laugh on myself & others. I don't care about my dance ability any more, as long as I am having fun that's what matters. & nowadays I don't care what others think of the way I look or dance, I find myself very inspiring with the way I am, so fun life goes on. Asha

Tracy : so happy for you, I read somewhere which I know real truth & worked for me, don't look too far in future that increases anxiety, don't look back in past that creates depression, stay in present & enjoy your NOW now. everything will fall into place, just take one step at a time & in positive direction Asha

Ruth : I am so happy you are doing all right things to keep yourself busy with all things, that makes transition so easy & his long illness gave you opportunity to say goodbye & prepare you for future. I am sure William is watching over you & happy for you. Asha

Tracy : I agree with all the earlier comments, I feel you should talk to your sister & letting her know before she donates or throws out things, to let you know cause you could use some of things from there, & that will help you out starting your journey. Sometimes just having open communication with family members might help too, once you tell her truthfully, hopefully she can also tell her fears & feelings to you truthfully Asha

Kelli : you nailed it. That's why I feel stroke was valuable teacher for me or us, which allowed us look beyond petty things. & grow spiritually & mentally how cool is that. Asha

I am the person who is afraid to make decisions for the fear of getting it wrong. Since I feel happy & my ego gets boosted when decision I made turned out to be beneficial for our family. So any big decisions when money is involved I put it on hubby, which is not good way of being strong independent woman. Its not that hubby doesn't make mistakes, he does too, but he never makes it equate to him being failure. when hubby makes wrong decision, he has courage to stand behind that decision & make it right again, in some he looses but gains valuable experience & confidence, which I lack since I am afraid to make a mistake since I only want to hear how good I am & not you suck mom. Now slowly getting that confidence that any decisions made in life is good thing, either it will boost your confidence for doing things correctly first time or teach you valuable lesson in life. We all have to learn from our mistakes & grow from it. Sometimes things that scare us most are good teaching tools for us. Asha

Pam : don't project too far in future with your fears & create yourself unnecessary anxiety, sometimes written words can be mis interpreted, he loves you & won't act that way because of misunderstanding. Would you have done to your own children? He must be hurt thats why not communicating & taking break, don't read too much into it & create yourself anxiety. Family fight with each other & then comes around for each other in their hour of need. Pain is no fun, I pray for your strength & relief for you. Also I know when I am hurting or frustrated I take out my anger on person who are closet to me, so usually my hubby gets my frustration. then I feel bad that poor guy if he gives up on us I will be screwed fpr life so better be nice to him lol. We have to be kind to every one who comes in our life Asha

Kelli : I am glad you just got warning. I think you should try to get all morning shifts. With your eyesight driving during daylight is better. Asha

I am woman with still work in progress. I keep on learning, forgetting & relearning my lessons. Some lessons my life experiences has taught me are hardest to learn & I still struggle with those from time to time. Though I am blessed in a way, that since I gravitate towards those kind of people who can share their spiritual wisdom & get me on right path any time I struggle,.I have been surrounded by amazing set of people who put me back on right path. So that brings amazing joy in my life. Anyway these Sunday some of us met & discussing these big questions life throws at us like why I am here & what's purpose of my life. I was telling every one that how when good things happen in your life, we are likely to take all credit for it, but as soon as something goes wrong in life then you start questioning God & where is he, why did he allowed something so bad happen in my life. One of the argument was made, you need to put God first in your life, in good times & in bad times, he gets all credit. Hubby said wonderful thing while we were walking home, he was like why do we have to label any event as good or bad, events are just events in our life, we got to deal with them as they come along in our life. two very thought provoking statements which straightens me & my ego out. Asha

I know I keep on saying this, but realizing something amazing about my hubby after 27 years of marriage is funny. That shows you how I am so different in understanding different love languages of people. ok back to my life. I recently realized something wonderful hubby used to do when I had just come in this country out of love, duty or fear for my safety, so I never paid attention to it & took it for granted. Anyhow here is story, after our marriage when I first came to this country, we used to live in New York city. It was 1990s, NYC was not as safe is as it is today. Anyhow in those times there were no cell phones to communicate, internet was not very ubiquitous yet. I used to take graduate level courses in university in new Jersey & we did not have car so I used to take public transportation so none of us had any control over its reaching time schedule. but on my class days he would always be there waiting on subway station to take me home, since walk home was not very safe in the evening. In my own frustration of spending few hours in public transportation to reach home, I don't ever remember wondering how long did he have to wait for me. Though recently I realized it while talking with old friends about old struggling days, & light-bulb went on, that hey asha do you realize how lucky I am to be married to such a steadfast, dependable guy. So had to share here, so I never forget Asha

Sue : I am so sorry for your loss. you have to be like doctor & not get attached to any of their patient, I know its hard thing to do. I am so glad you had great friendship with Lyn., after Ray passed away. We all need some good friend we can hang out & can tell each other all of our emotions, fears everything. I am still searching for that in someone. I think I am looking for good girlfriend I can talk to & get guidance from without any judgement & honest feedback on how to improve my life so that it feels more meaningful. Asha

Tracy : I also think I talk about my stroke & my recovery story to every one. I also feel I should stop. Its been 14 years this is my life with my challenges no one has to care about it & give any allowances for it. World does not revolve around my problems.Every one has gne through some issues in their life. your step mom has issues but since you are living with them, only thing you can do is to help out in cleaning without judgement. there has to be give & take in every relationship. Asha

As you all know by now I enjoy & love my life including all lessons & blessings that come my way. Recently we reconnected with our spiritual group which I was active before while taking kido to his indian languge classes & vedic hinduisim classes where they were learning about two epics Ramayana & Mahabharata of India. where one epic taught them about how to be noble human being so what we should strive to become by following God ramas footsteps, & other epic taught them what we should not do & in one of the epic lord answered student all questions we encounter in our life journey where you question all those deep questions of the life. So anyways after kido grown up & we had lost touch with this elite group which are full of learned intellectuals & now accidentally we reconnected again & I feel my life has become so much richer due to interactions with highly intellectual people. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by some classy people. learned something so interesting yesterday which wanted to write down so that I don't forget in flurries of living life. one of the interesting thing host talked about is how to worship God. & one of the example used was like how river forged their path & go through some difficult terrain & pave the way & finally merges into ocean by shedding all their identity in process of finally merging into ocean. that's how we should be worshiping God. I know I still need to work on my ego & shed that. I realized I am blessed & can't take any credits for anything in life. Though I am so thankful for people, books & everything & everybody who has en lighted my life, for that I send big thanks & love to the universe. Asha