Vanillamoon

No significant development yet but a conclusion to my employment woes should be in the offing. Mom is going in the hospital again. It does not look very good and I am quite sad. I just couldn't take it to see her suffer anymore. She's been through enough already. I could not stand to see her suffering needlessly. As for the issues with my employment.... gimme a break?! I've been going through this for 28 months, I want it to end in fairness. Isn't that a reasonable demand?

I haven't been around in quite awhile! So I stopped by this evening and after reading a few messages on the board, decided to write one here. I'm doing good. I took up Tai chi and enjoy that and also joined a discussion group where participants just talk?share about their life experiences. Does me good to open up with others. My manfriend & I were out at the mall today and lo and behold I met my co-worker! It was a surprise since I haven't seen anyone from work since the stroke! Both she and I worked on the ground floor. She has been dating a man who does the same job as we do (nurse's aides) but he works on the 5th floor. She's telling me he HAD A BRAINSTEM STROKE(!!!) early December. So I told her a little about my experience with our employer. Paul has balance issues aand very fatigued. I told her to tell him to TAKE IT EASY, the first 6 months are important after a stroke... Difficult to believe this has happened to him, he was very active and full of energy! It saddens me though, for I know well the road ahead and hope he has better luck than I have had. My case is still unresolved and I don't know what's going to happen next. They have stopped insurance payments since September (4 months ago!!) and they have yet sent me to get evaluated by a neurologist. I am awaiting his assessment to see if I still qualify for disability. :uhm: (it seems they like to keep me waiting, hoping I'll get fed up and resign, Ha tough chance!) Later...

I am aware that the entry title sounds depressing but it's a FACT. My wonderful (intended sarcasm) employer has tried once again to pull the rug under my feet (why should I be even surprised)(more sarcasm) After the second year of long term disability is finished, they asked me permission to send my file to the insurance firm that takes over for paying disability premium for the third year. Of course I gave my written permission. From what I can conclude after receiving word from the insurance company, my employer forwarded a copy of their Dr. assessment of my condition (which contain untruths). The insurance people have now refused to pay me unless I provide them all the documents of my file concerning my disability. That is no problem because I have all the necessary copies. So with my employer I have ALWAYS to fight to justify my disability and make sure of my right to fairness. :bop: Apart from that, I am more or less stable. The newness of meditation has worn off a little and I'm trying to study for credits to go to college but have a long ways to go. It does keep my mind superficially out of my problems. I am feeling somewhat insecure though :whack:

I'm Zening out. I'm too worn out to struggle with life anymore. I've begun to read about meditation and listening to some Eckhart Tolle CD's. I love him BTW. He is the author of "The Power of NOW". The meditation IS helping a lot. :Clap-Hands: I got word from the employer representative at work this morning. They will be sending disability papers for my doctor to fill out. It seems that the union and the employer reached an agreement that there will be no further debate in my case. This means I HAVE WON :cheer: Yesssssssssssssssssssss :beer: Hugs to all who read my blog.

Thanks for your comments, I just felt like adding this just for my own relief..."he married that woman" and as for my sister years ago I told her about my hurt feelings and she never did acknowledge that. It's curious that so many years have passed since then and this incident has come back to haunt her it seems?!

At times I feel LOST and confused. I am feeling that way now. I was doing pretty good for the last 3 weeks and a small thing just set my mood downhill. You know I thought I was making progress with turning the page with the divorce, but I still feel like hell about it. I hate the way my ex-husband treated me. He took NO ACCOUNTABILITY for anything and I have felt that I have been shouldering the "blame". The worst part for me is that he asked my sister if she knew anyone that could be compatible w/him where she worked and my sister obliged without asking me. That's kindof difficult to not notice. I've put it behind me BUT it resurfaced a couple weeks ago when I had an overwhelming urge to write a letter to my ex so just to explain how I feel and try to make peace. My sister (who did not know the content of the letter) offered to call him up to read it to him. As she she began to read it, he stopped her and said that he was not interested in revisting the past. And that was the end of that. Since then there is a wall between she and me...we've had no communication since 3 weeks. I'm tired. He got away with a clean slate! Now how did he do that :Tantrum:

I was looking for something in the dresser drawer when I came across this sheet of paper with something I had written not too long ago. I believe I got this exercise to do in a book I was reading. You have to write what things I feel good about myself and what things makes me unhappy about myself. THIS IS WHAT I WROTE: I feel good when I'm determined. I've got a goal and working my way toward it. I feel good because because I have some level of awareness and understanding of things many people do not It makes me feel special and unique. I'm happy I've kept my childhood heart I love my unassuming nature And though unknown to many but me, I'm glad for my integrity. I wish I knew of how to help the suffering man Those things are bigger than I and I can't respond because in suffering I feel lost. I look for answers and rarely find the ones that are good for me As if my life were still on "HOLD" and nothing comfort me. I love to learn, I love the time spent quietly to read, to think, to write and draw These are my jewels for they proclaim what I can do that is so nice to see. But most of all I wish I could enrich your life with mine - And then again it's all I ask If I do this then everything be fine.

Today marks the first day of turning the page of the past. My marraige of 19 years ended in a disaster 14 years ago. Depression has a way of bringing up unresolved issues from the past and so it did. I realized that I had not turned the page to my 19 year marraige to Bob, who was the man of my life for as long as I can remember. I tried everything to make it work between us. He said he loved me BUT was never open for discussion. I compromised a LOT for this marraige to work. I thought that since "we" loved one another we were bound to work out our problems and make it work. But it never came to be. I LOVED this man with ALL my heart and soul and did not get very much in return because he is the kind of individual who does not open his "being"...he cannot really be intimate with someone else. I am stunned. It's been 14 years since our divorce and STILL he refuses to acknowledge my existence. I really believe I was HAD by someone who did NOT love me. He just loved being with someone, that's all.

I had been married to someone who didn't really love me for who I am....it was a painful experience of 19 years to finally end it :head_hurts:

My depression is being managed by Effexor and Seroquel for sleeping. The psychiatrist upped the dosage twice since I've been seeing him. We NEVER talk about anything he just asks me how I am doing and that's it. If I'm not doing well he waits until my next appointment to up my medication. The sleeping pill makes me DREAM a lot and I look forward to this every night. I feel that it's during my sleep that I'm really getting my therapy in a literal sense. I connect to my subconcious mind and I am being given understanding as to what my dreams mean. The healing process for me will likely come this way because I am not getting any outside help. Last visit with the psychiatrist, he said that if the meds (he had prescribed a stronger dose) were not doing it that he would send me to a therapist. I am sure this would be very helpful as many things from my past have been coming up for meditation. It seems that I need to gain greater understanding of myself and my life in general. I don't know if I'll ever feel "WHOLE" again. It seems to me that my mind is MUCH older than my heart. The stroke has struck my braincells a great big BLOW and part of me has been knocked down and I am feeling bruised.

I tend to agree that depression does make a person act in non-emphatic ways because the depressee is caught up in a tangle of negativity that binds and hinders emphatic reaction to anyone else. I'm glad to hear he's improving

:wub2: Kim.... If I knew ALL the lyrics to the song, I would probably get a clue to the message the words are conveying but, I don't think it really very important because the person who wrote the lyrics is expressing his "perception" of reality. You don't have to be scared! Never think you "should of stayed dead", it's quite the opposite!!! Take care

I wrote this today, it's very simply put but it speaks of how it is. "I did my best to give my help to persons in my care This service I was paid to do and earned my living in deeds done helping you Within my soul I truly loved what I was trained to do Through helping you I also found my life was made worthwhile. But since my stroke there are some things I can no longer do, That is to give with no reserve my strength to help you too. I wish I could, I loved you all And throughout my years with you My life worthwhile in thoughtful care as an aide for you. In other ways I must now find to work and save my life While my employer tries with all they have to just be done with me! Where would I go, I do not know Since at 50 myself am growing old I have to fight for my right to be Relocated to a place that won't deplete the strength that's left in me. I hope I may, I hope they find that place which calls for me And once again I'll help you with in what your needs may be. Johanne

I have a habit of not saying things "as it is" which is not a good thing for ME! I tend to hide my true feelings because I'm afraid of what others might think. I think of others and not enough about myself. I have a giving personality, but I have to learn to recognize my limits. I went to my last neurologist appointment today. She doesn't see the need to see me anymore. My last MRI showed that my carotid artery has repaired itself almost 100%. The MRI showed spots where the brain was damaged. That's it! The invisible deficits are "invisible". My employer SUCKS, they've made it a point to make my life a living HELL because I had a STROKE or since. Now what does THAT say about them?

I'm okay I guess considering how I am trying to keep my chin up and not totally give in to depression. Yet I also feel vulnerable. I do not want something else to throw me off kilter. There are times I feel confused inside and still trying to find myself because the stroke has made an impact on me for sure. I look at my life and try to understand my behaviour. Will I ever be able to put all the pieces in place?! It seems so difficult, tedious and at times overwhelming. No wonder I get discouraged. I wish that life would be less harsh on me. I've felt too many times the rug being pulled from under my feet. I still do not have closure with my divorce in 1992. I still love him. I still do not have closure with not being able to have children. I just want to know why, even if it is to show me that it was what was BEST for me. I do not know this! I WANT TO KNOW why my marraige had to end in divorce when all I ever wanted was to love him and feel loved by him. That's all I want to know so I can begin to heal. PLEASE!

You're not alone Pam, I don't like Christmas very much either, I guess I'm too uptight, can't get into the spirit. Humbug

Well I can admit that pre-stroke I had a drinking problem. I would still have one post stroke probably because I find it difficult to deal with things in life. *Fortunately* I am on coumadin for life and cannot afford to have a drinking problem. I believ heavy drinking does increase one's risk of stroke, I think it's a fact. Take care people!

Unfortunately it is not over, it's just beginning. The dogs want all my medical files from the 2 other doctor's I am seeing. It is the most grueling experience and I don't know "where" or what's going to happen.

Thanks ChefDenny for the recipe!

Hi ChefDenny, Why would the thought of possibly being a looney-case even cross your mind!? I am quite certain that this is not the case and that no one has ever thought that about you! Blog when you *feel* like blogging. That's the important thing! God Bless you ChefDenny.... BTW if you happen to have a tastyy recipe for cream of carrot soup, I'd love if you could share one THANKS

Eric try not to beat yourself up too much. Things WILL get better! It only takes TIME. Your children are maybe too young to understand but you can tell them in a way that they can try to understand that daddy is not feeling well. They LOVE you Eric and you obviously love them. Thats all that matters for NOW. Trust "us" survivors, it DOES get better, just let it run it's course and you will regain some of what was lost. It just takes TIME.

Kimberly, you are genuine,kind and sensitive to others. No wonder you have made many friends!