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suzie-q
Stroke Survivor - female-
Posts
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About suzie-q
![](http://content.invisioncic.com/o322659/monthly_2019_03/18198257_darkblue3dhorizontalbuttonwithtealbackground_sm_survivor.png.0b227c12d35ecf04e814aa20441fe172.png)
- Birthday 03/12/1976
Contact Methods
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AIM
gatsby94
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ICQ
0
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Yahoo
suzeringo
Shared Information
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Stroke Anniversary (first stroke)
03-26-2005
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How did you find us?
Google Search
Registration Information
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State
North Carolina
suzie-q's Achievements
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Senior Member (4/10)
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I have always hated the saying, "Things happen for a reason." I don't buy that. Please don't take offense, I just think it simplifies things too much. This is not to say that good things can't come from bad, because I think many good things have come from the fact that I had a stroke. That being said, my heart hurts tonight for two of my dearest friends. As mentioned in a previous blog, I have a friend with stage four cancer. She has a one year old daughter, and her chemo treatments have had what the doctors call "mixed results." She is making the trip tomorrow to MD Anderson in Texas to see if they can help her. She is only 34 years old. She endured a great deal of heartache and disappointment to finally experience the joy of motherhood, and now she may not see her daughter grow up. There is no reason for this. Period. My second hurt is for a friend who discovered some emails yesterday between her husband and another (much younger) woman. She is, as you can imagine, devastated because these weren't just vanilla emails. This "other" woman is very well aware he is married and so they are both guilty. Both of these stories make me ANGRY. I want to scream at the universe, "WHY ARE THESE THINGS HAPPENING TO SUCH GOOD PEOPLE? THEY DON'T DESERVE THIS. NO ONE DOES." Another friend told me today, "Listen, this isn't about you. Stop worrying about it." I couldn't do that if I wanted to. These are people I love, and I want to help them. And that is what hurts so much. I know there isn't anything I can do to make any of this go away. I know I am not a superhero. I know I can't fix everything. I am not naive enough to believe I can. I have just never been good at watching people I love suffer.
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I was reading CNN as I do most everyday when I get to school, when I discovered an article about Birth Control. To any men reading this, don't freak out...I am not going to get graphic. I don't think I have ever talked about this, but my neurologist tells me it is likely that the combination of BCPs and migraines (complete with aura) are to blame for my stroke. It was an explaination I always believed in completely. I did some research on my own when I first had my stroke, and most of what I read was consistent with my doc. In the CNN article, there is a section that goes over who should and should not take birth control. People with migraines are one of the first groups listed in the "should not" category. Five years after the fact, this makes me a little angry. The doctor who prescribed the BCPs knew about my lifelong struggle with stupid migraines! Granted, I was not a very good advocate for myself. I didn't ask enough questions, and I didn't do enough research on my own. I just went in and asked for them, and with little discussion, he gave them to me. I have become an excellent advocate for myself now. I probably irritate the doctors I see. I don't care; I figure they get paid enough to listen to whatever I come up with. I am not beating myself up, what's done is done. What I am asking myself is, "Why wasn't my doctor advocating for me?" We pay them good money to have our best interests in mind. The rational part of my brain tells me that there is really no one to blame for my stroke. It happened. It is over, and I thank God every day for the fact that I am alive. The irrational part of my brain is just more powerful today. I probably won't be mad tomorrow (or after I have some chocolate in a few minutes). I just really wanted to get it out of my system.
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Thank you for the wonderful reminder of how we should live.
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One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from my docto r(who sadly moved away). He told me that I would need to accept a new "normal." It took me a while to process this because I wanted things to be exactly the way they were before. Once I realized I wasn't like everyone else to begin with, I was much happier with myself. Katrina, you are so smart and have so much to offer. Don't be so hard on yourself.
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Patty, I am impressed that you can do that much in one day. You are the woman! I understand how you are feeling. After my stroke, I took about two weeks off work (I should have taken a bunch more). People thought that I should be doing all the things I used to do, the way I used to do them. When I would ask for help or suggest that things had changed, you would have thought I was making a revolutionary statement. People don't get it. Hang in there..!
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I was surfing around the blog forum and read the challenges section. I thought I might try my hand at one of them, and so I decided to make the list of one-hundred things about me. So here goes: 1. My favorite pizza is Tony's Pizza in Jacksonville, North Carolina. 2. I wonder why I like to watch crime shows. 3. I am the president of my local community theater. 4. My first pet was a cat named snowball. 5. If I wasn't a teacher, I would be in the Coast Guard. 6. I am terrified of snakes, spiders, and being hit in the face with a ball. 7. My dream is to retire to a place beside the ocean. 8. I value my family the most. 9. I named my dog Gatsby after my favorite book. 10. I believe you are never to old to learn. 11. I believe in public education. 12. I LOVE to write. 13. I was a fish in a past life. Okay, so I don't know about the past life thing, but I really love the water. 14. I am the only person in my immediate family who has not had skin cancer. I intend to keep it that way. 15. Mean people puzzle me. 16. My decedents came here on the Mayflower. 17. My favorite city is Washington, DC. 18. I play the guitar. Badly. 19. I sing in a bluegrass band. 20. I am hopelessly addicted to chocolate. 21. I hate laptops with touch pads. 22. I HATE to be tickled. 23. I am a hopless romantic. 24. I LOVE TO READ more than just about anything. 25. I hate extreme cold and extreme heat. 26. I have a commercial driver's license. 27. I get pedicures to have someone rub my feet. 28. I watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas every year. 29. I hate to exercise. 30. My mom is my hero. 31. I am an unrepentant nerd. 32. I eat yogurt like it's my job. 33. I hate reality television. 34. I never get tired of "The Cosby Show" 35. If I was the queen of the world...war would be illegal. 36. I wouldn't mind being a dog (owned by a good owner) for a day. 37. I envy those who don't procrastinate. 38. I love Boone, North Carolina. 39. I prefer the term "survivor." 40. I had a stroke two years before my mom. I was 29 she was 60 something (it would be rude to reveal her age). 41. I want to be one of those "quirky" Southern women when I get old. 42. Steel Magnolias reminds me of every wonderful Southern woman I have ever known. 43. I broke my arm when I was a kid trying to play "Snoopy" on top of the doghouse. 44. I took piano lessons for a long time. I am still terrible. 45. I am an English teacher. 46. It irritates me when English teachers correct a grown person's grammar. 47. For a brief period in college, I considered becoming an ordained minister. 48. I am the oldest of two children. 49. I think brains are sexy. 50. I think good grammar is really sexy. 51. I think good writing is the sexiest of all. 52. I know the story behind the Kingston Trio song, "Hang Down Your Head Tom Dooley." 53. Most modern music makes me depressed. 54. I am an old soul. 55. Rutabagas (sp?) are delicious. 56. Mark Harmon is my celebrity crush. 57. I still love Mickey Mouse. 58. Sesame Street is still one of my favorite shows. 59. My nephew is the greatest gift I have ever received. 60. I love the smell of book stores. 61. I embrace my sporadic gray hairs. 62. Halloween is my favorite holiday. 63. I wouldn't change anything about my life. 64. Camp Lejune Marine Corps base is built on land previously owned by my family. 65. Tobacco paid for my college education. 66. I like living by myself. 67. It is hard to believe I have been teaching eleven years. 68. I grew up near the ocean. I don't eat seafood. 69. I went into the "family business." 70. My first job was cleaning condos at the beach. People are nasty. 71. Manners are becoming passe'. That scares me. 72. I still love the feeling of riding a bike down a hill with my legs out to my side. 73. I miss playing in the woods. 74. I still believe in Santa Claus. 75. I used to be a track coach. 76. I still read children's books. 77. I believe in true love and soul mates. 78. The more I learn about John Wesley (the founder of Methodism), the more I respect him. 79. I am intolerant of intolerance. 80. I think music is powerful. 81. Nature is my muse. 82. I have eaten an ant. Not on a dare. 83. I believe in ghosts. 84. I met Harry Belfonte (sp?) in a NY diner. He sang for us. I was flabbergasted. 85. I am the least educated member of my immediate family. I have a bachelors degree. 86. I don't understand the big deal about "Gone with the Wind" 87. In some ways, having a stroke was the best thing that ever happened to me. 88. I believe in health care for all. 89. I am an Anglophile. 90. Words excite me. 91. I would rather get a letter in the mail than an email. 92. Math makes my head hurt. 93. I am a hothead. 94. "Trouble" by Pink is my theme song. 95. I think it is interesting that "dog" is "God" spelled backwards. 96. I would like to be an extra on Law and Order. I really love Sam Waterston. 97. I am not very competitive. 98. I hate meetings. 99. I believe in the underdog and standing up for the little guy. 100. This was easier than I thought it would be.
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This past week was Spring Break, and I spent it on the coast with my mom. As it is about a three hundred mile drive, I see all kinds of different bumper stickers. Some I laugh at, others I sneer at, and others leave me scratching my head. During this trip I saw one that made me worry. It said, "It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you." Please understand, I have always considered myself a realist, and I don't view the world through rose-colored glasses, but things just can't be that bad. I have been through some times in my life when I thought things couldn't get any worse and so I am not trying to say that people aren't having a very tough time right now. I just can't let myself be that...paranoid or that negative. Life is hard enough without adding the stress of anger at the world. I personally find anger to be exhausting, so I often go to great lengths to avoid it.
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Congratulations on the milestone!
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This past Saturday I celebrated my five year stroke anniversary, and it was the first anniversary I chose to celebrate by doing nothing. It seems that I have contracted Spring Fever (the disease running rampant amongst my students) and have lost the motivation to do much of anything. When I awakened on Saturday morning, I was so excited to hear the birds chirping happily outside my window. This was a definite mood booster. When I took my crazy little Gatsby dog for a walk, I noticed that a considerable number of the trees had started to bloom. I love the warmer weather, but I don't love the amount of sneezing it brings. (For the record, I don't like temperature extremes. I am a fall and spring kind of a girl.) Spring is the most hopeful season. It's a fresh start. It's like a clean sheet of paper in a notebook that has never been opened, and I find that there are very few things that are more rife with undiscovered possibilites than a brand new notebook. I find that this Spring Fever has accomplished one thing: it has made me more hopeful. I know in my heart that nothing is impossible.
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I want to start by thanking everyone for welcoming me back to the blog universe and for the kind words you have shared with me. Now for the mad part. :Tantrum: In my previous post, I told you about my best friend. Her name is Kathy. Since my last post, Kathy has been in the hospital. She started a new round of Chemo on Thursday, and she was awakened in the middle of the night coughing and gasping for air. She initially thought her asthma was acting up, but by the next day, she realized something was terribly wrong. She went to see her oncologist on Friday. The oncologist immediately sent her to the ER to have her evaluated. They put her in respiratory isolation so that they could test her for various things (including whooping cough). She spent the weekend in the hospital with no definite answers to what was making her cough. There is a distinct possiblity it is being caused by the cancer that has spread to her lungs. This whole thing is so unfair. In her last blog post, she was starting to wonder what she had done, or who she had *beep* off to deserve what was happening to her. Logically, I think we both know that isn't how it works, but since we are all human, we often wonder these things. I know she isn't being punished. I know I wasn't being punished with my stroke. I know it. I know it. I know it. And I BELIEVE it. Unfortunately, it doesn't make any of this any easier. I don't know if I have ever prayed for someone so hard in my life. I am worried that she is losing hope, and without hope...what else is there? I am hanging on to hope as hard as I can...it's all I have.
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This has just been one of those weeks. You know, the one that seems to go on forever. I had high hopes for this week. I was able to spend this past Saturday evening with my best friend and her family for her daughter's first birthday. I hadn't seen her in three forevers, so I was really pumped. You see, my funny, sweet, smart, beautiful best friend was diagnosed with Stage 4 Gastro-Esophogeal cancer about a week before Christmas. I was and still am devastated. This is a form of cancer that is usually found in older men who have suffered from acid reflux for many years. My friend is 34 and has never had reflux in her life. Things seemed to be looking up for her last week. She had a PET scan that showed that her tumors were smaller and she might become eligible for surgery, and thus, a cure. She had to have a bronchoscopy last week. The results came back on Tuesday. The cancer had spread to her lungs. Another crushing blow. Perhaps the hardest thing for me to accept in all of this is the fact that she and her husband had a terrible time getting pregnant. No other woman in the world loved being pregnant as much as this woman. Every stretch mark, every swollen body part, every pregnancy moment, my friend adored. I hate the fact that she is having to fight so hard to stay with her precious child. I think about her all the time. She has the spirit of a fighter, and I pray every day that she will beat this thing.
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I just checked the date on my last post, and it has been nearly two years since I posted anything on my blog. I wish I had a good reason for not posting, but I don't. I miss this blog...I think I need the outlet. As I write this today, I realize that I am about three weeks away from my five year stroke anniversary, and I am feeling bit reflective. The truth of the matter is, I really have been more reflective about things since I had a stroke. This has all resulted in a total personality change (at least in my opinion). I no longer find the need to reach for anger first. Mostly, I try to sort things out before I do anything else. Okay...now I am rambling, and I will stop. The thing I have missed the most about visiting this site is the community. I really miss the connections to people who share my experience. I still struggle daily with things related to my stroke, and I worry sometimes that people get tired of hearing about it. I worry that they think, "Good Lord. It has been five years. It is time to move on." I have never been a person to really care about what people think and, frankly, I still don't; however, I just don't want to burn people out.